Hello all. I have posted once before so many of you were so helpful thank you very much. Special thanks to Staci Lee. Well those of you that don't know my story my H had a A that lasted 3 months. OW is now 5 months and we still don't know for sure that my H is the father. There is a 2 1/2 week window that is in question. Due date 10/15 charts say she conceived 1/22, last time with my H was 1/5. There is a chance that the OC is not my H, we are praying over time for this. She went to a attorney and had them send a letter to my H stating he was the father and wanted money and so on. We contacted our attorney and wrote a letter back stating that until paternity is done we won't be paying anything what so ever and H is not claiming this child until that time. We tried to talk with her about all of this but refused. She has the nerve to have her attorney put in this letter that we were harrassing her and for us not to contact her anymore because of her stress. Then a couple of weeks ago, she had the nerve to email my H and asked him if he wanted to know the gender of the baby to email her back, and if he didn't email her then she would know how he felt.What a bunch of garbage. We wrote her attorney back and told him that if we weren't to contact her then why is she contacting us with this crapp. Anyway, we haven't heard anything from her attorney. This OW has bragged to everyone in our area that my H and her had an A and the OC is his. His ex best friend was even in on spreading this A. What is wrong with this stupid person. I would never bragg that I had a A with a married man much less having his Child. I am still so upset with my H and hurt. I have told him that if the OC turns out to be his I will divorce him. I live in hurt every moment of the day. I still cry alot. i had to quit my job because of all the stress. I dream about this all the time. I dream that it not his. I dream that it is. He won't talk to me about this, just when I bring it up. Everyone in his family knows. No one in my family knows. I have no one to talk to about this but you guys. Can anyone help????

destroyedbyhusband,<p>I know how you feel. In FEb I found out my H had had an A which resulted in her pregnancy. She is due 8/25. She says that he is the only man she was with. <p>When he told me, his heart was broken. I have never seen him so hurt and ashamed of anything he had done. He told me that he would leave if I wanted him to and take nothing. He said that he didn't deserve me and I didn't deserve what he had done. This was his first A, which started as a friendship and someone to talk to. We have been married 18 years and have 3 children ages 6, 12, & 16. She is divorced with 2 teenagers. <p>We had grown apart over the years. We both stayed busy with work and I stayed busy with the kids. We just didn't have time for each other anymore. We now realize that if we had made time for each other, that this wouldn't have happened. The main thing he was after, from her, was sex, which is very important to him. I had gotten to where I could take it or leave it. <p>I have forgiven them both by the grace of God. (It doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt, a lot.) He has given me much strength through all of this. If anyone had asked me before, what I would have done in this situation, I feel sure I would have said that I would have left him. God has helped me to rekindle the love & passion that I once had for him. I can't seem to get enough of him. I long for him every day when we are apart. We are closer now than we have been in a long, long time. We now put each other first. We realize that if we can't be close to each other and strong in our marriage, that we can't be the parents we need to be for our kids.<p>I know this has to be hard on OW also. She is also feeling much guilt over what she has done. We are communicating through e-mail. She & H have answered all of my questions. Their cooperation has helped me to cope. I feel that they are being honest with me. If your H is not telling you what you feel that you NEED to know, then I'm sure the healing will be harder. <p>She is planning to use her maiden name as the childs last name, but wants to use my H name as the father. I do not want that. I e-mailed her requesting that she not do that, but she hasn't answered. Noone knows about the A. She has told noone. She seems to not want to hurt me & my children. We're still not sure whether we want contact with OC. If we have contact & she uses his name as father, then I'm sure the word will get out. I'm not sure how my children will feel about the situation. I'm embarressed for others to find out, but mostly don't want to hurt my kids.<p>I'm not sure that any of this helped. Maybe just to let you know your not alone. I'll keep you in my prayers. Turn it over to God. It has made a difference for me<p>Butterflybonanza<p>
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destroyedbh,,,,,,, sorry to to see you have to come to this place. there are a lot of women here with some excellent wisdom that acn help you concur this travesty. it sounds like your h has a very good chance of not being the father.<p>
butterflyb,,,,,,, please don't underestimate the power children have of love and exceptence. although i said it many times the one thing that i have learned from my children through all this is that grace is innocent. it hurt me deeply watching them just automatically love her as their sister. but as the days rolled into weeks i realized that she was. i was trying to deny that fact so as to keep myself at a distance from her. your children will follow whatever lead you show them. IF you and your h decide to persue visitation and take an active, loving roll in the child's life and you present her to your children as their sister/brother your h's child, then your kids will most likely amaze you with how naturally they except this child into your family. <p>me 50
ww 46
married 22 yrs
oc born 12/01
our c's 7,11,12,13,20,21
my oldest 27 (before i met wife)
grand c's 2,3,6,one more due in june 02 and one more due in july 02

pops,<p>Thank you so much for your advice. It really does help to know that your children were so accepting of their sister. I feel that mine would also. I guess its the unknown that is so scary. I guess I am mostly worried about what others will think & say. I know that I shouldn't worry about what others think, as long as my H & I can work through it and know we are doing what is right. Please keep us in your prayers.
butterflybonanza
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Thanks for the imput. My situation is a little different. My H and I have been together for 5 years. He had everything most men only dream of in a wife, I was a good wife. We had a good marriage and a great sex life. He tells me that he had no reason for having the A, he can only say how stupid he was. This girl ( I call her a girl) she is 13 years younger then my H ). She thought, I guess, he was going to leave me for her. Husband says he never told her that. I don't believe him. When I spoke with this girl I told her that my husband used her for stupid foolish reasons and that he doesn't love her or have feelings for her, my husband was there also and agreed. My husband thinks that he is the father and that the due date is wrong. This is driving me crazy, WAITING.... We don't want anything to do with OC if it is my H. It would be a contanst reminder of what he did. That may sould bad to some of you, but not to me. This OW/OC is not welcome in our lives...

dbh,<p>I am sorry that things are still so rough for you.
As we have discussed before, you are still in the early stages of dealing with the A and with the added stress of OW being pregnant it is all the more painful.<p>I am especially sorry that you have had to quit your job because of the stress you are under. <p>As has been said on this board before, “Read as much as possible and post often”. I have actually found this board as a BIG asset in coping with this situation. I am still dealing with the pain, as most of us are here. It is going to be an ongoing thing in my life, as I am sure it is for everyone that has been in this sort of situation.<p>You had mentioned before that you and H were going to counseling. How is that going for you? I still think H and I need to get into some counseling. <p>Remember, we are all here for you! Post anytime, it really helps!
Vent, brag and cry if need be. There are MANY shoulders here and they are all very sturdy.<p>Email me anytime! <p>Your friend,<p>[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</p>

hello
I wanted to tell you that if her due date is 10/15 then her last period would have been 1/8/02. If the last time your H was with her was 1/5/02 then I would say there is a slim chance that the baby is your H. My OW due date was 10/20/01 and my H was with her on Jan. 24,27,31 and the due date was pushed back a week. She had the baby on 10/16. Though she still claims the baby is my H but she won't get a DNA test. I am hoping the ultra-sound was right because if it was then the baby was conceived before my H slept with her. I just wanted to say it does not sound that the baby is your Husbands.<p>You are very early in your recovery. This board has helped me a lot. What you are feeling right now is very normal. Hang in there.<p>
Dawn

Thanks Dawn and Staci for your letters. I sosooooooooooooooooooooooo hope this child is not my H. He gets so defensive when I get upsaet. I almost feel like he is saying just get over it it's over with....But he would never say that to me. I can't stand this anymore. We are growing further and further apart. Mainly my resentment and his I feel lack so being sesitive to my hurt feelings. It has been 2 months since d-day 3/25.... I feel that I should be better. But I still have night mares and outburst to my H. Staci, I forgot your email address. Can youemail me please. I will write back soon.

dbh,<p>I emailed you this morning. I hope you got it. I will email you again, if you'd like.<p>My home address is stacia_lee@hotmail.com <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Hang in there girl. Just like Dawn said, what you are feeling right now is NORMAL!

destroyed by husband, you are so new to this. I have about a year since discovery, and I still have days where I am so angry at H for the damage he has donet to our life in past, life now,life in future. It will take me years, if at all, to ever get over any of this.<p>Be kind to yourself-you are expecting too much of yourself too quickly.And think about counseling. I think it really is quite necessary with A and OC

Dear DBH,<p>Of course you are still raw and furious. His affair and possible OC have turned your world upside down. I know where you are. We all know where you are and how awful it feels--we have all been there too.<p>Please find some counseling for yourself. You will need some marriage counseling, but right now your first priority should be getting some help for yourself. <p>You need a place to dump this anger. Come here and dump it but sometimes it helps to talk to someone face-to-face. I don't know how you feel about telling a close friend or family member. I had a couple that I could really lean on. They didn't try to tell me what I should do (like leave him) but they helped me figure things out and they let me get out some of my fury.<p>However, if you have hopes of recovering your marriage, please be careful how much anger you dump into your marriage. If your H is like most WS, especially those where there is an OC or possible OC, the already feel like crap and our dumping fury on them does not help get them moving in the recovery process. (It may, in fact, reenforce their feelings of why they had an affair.) I'll bet if you asked the Harleys, a Love Buster is a Love Buster is a Love Buster no matter how angry you are and no matter how justified your anger is (and it is certainly justified in the case of an affair and a possible OC). <p>Many WSs are just ready for things to get back to "normal." At least that is what they say. It is a defense mechanism so that they don't have to admit what an enormous, hateful, hurtful thing they have done. And you know what? Most of them already know it and pounding on them won't get them to say it or know it any more/any better. When they will finally admit how horrible their actions are is when it is safe to talk to the BS, when the marriage is repaired or almost-repaired, when they know that they are not going to be crucified but listened to, respected and loved. Doesn't mean we respect nor love what they did but that we still value the person they are despite their horrible mistake.<p>Search for peace within yourself and if you are at all faithful, seek it from God (a much better source since He not just peaceful, but the very essence of Peace itself.)<p>((((((((DBH)))))))--7 hugs, one for each day of the coming week.<p>MJ

Thanks Mary and all for your letter. I finally broke down and told my best friend. I never told her because I thought she would tell me to leave my H. She didn't, she just listened and love me. She knows how much I loved my husband and that we can work it out. She also she said I can't really start healing until we know DNA results. Our councilor and pastor say the same thing. I pray every day for myself and H and that this OC not be my H. I haven't gotten any answers or comfort yet. It's is such a long way until October, if we even find out then...

destroyedbyhusband,
I just wanted to say that you can find out before the baby is born if your H is the father. If OW schedules an amino then they can take the DNA then. <p>Hang in there. <p>Dawn

Thanks for the imput. In our letter to her attorney we requested an amnio, but we haven't heard anything yet. She probably won't have that done, just because we asked.

Maybe someone here can help me today. I am having such a bad day. Nothing as happened no letters or contact from attorney or OW. I just hate them both today. I can't believe he would do this to me. It has been 2 months. I would think I would stop having these days. I can be watching TV like last night and a scene comes up with a women and man that met and are going to have an A. That just set me off... I can't even enjoy TV anymore.Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just let this stuff go and pick it up in October when we fing out about OC...My H has been good to me today because he knows I am in a bad space today. I just want to wakeup without hurting 1 time. I read everything I can, I pray over time. I feel like a broken record...Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Dbh,<p>I understand what you are going thru.
You are so new to all these feelings,
it's only been a couple months.
I've known for almost 2 years and the
first 18 months were the hardest. It does
get better with loving support from your
H. But the real changes have to come from
within yourself. Eventually you'll get tired
of all the things that trigger those bad
feelings...I've almost become numb to most
of them.<p>Keep going each day. I'm so sorry you have
to be going thru this. Just know life does
go on and you can become a stronger woman.
Take care, fluke

Dear Destroyed By Husband,<p>I know exactly how you feel. I found out my husband had an affair and a baby through a birth announcement sent to my home by the baby's mother in April. Talk about shock. I think you go through so many emotions especially when you have kids. You try to replay everything in your mind trying to figure out when he was with her. I've just figured out that I can't let this drama run my life. You didn't do anything wrong it was his fault and his alone. Of course you are going to be furious, depressed, etc. but I've found that harboring all those feelings is hurting me. You just have to pray that things will work out the way they were intended to i.e. divorce or working things out with your husband. I still feel a lot of pain everyday and the best advice I have gotten was just to take things one day at a time. You have a right to feel fine one day and angry the next. Just go with the flow and don't let anyone tell you how long to grieve this horrible situation. Just know that you are strong and that you can make it through this.

Crying, <p>Thanks for your letter. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Things seem to be getting worse for me. I have 4 1/2 months to go. What ever happened? Do you and H have contact. if I decide to stay with my H we will not...

Dear DBH,<p>My husband and I are still together, however our relationship is very strained. I have 3 kids, 10, 3 and 14 months and things seem to get so complicated when you are talking about raising them basically on your own when you seperate from your husband. I never thought I would be in this situation, but I have come to learn that I can't look at it from a totally emotional point of view (that's just me). I love my husband, BUT, I'm the type of person who has to look at the big picture. He says he loves me, yada yada, but for me it's not exactly about that anymore. I feel that he used me and hurt me and it's not that I want revenge or anything, but why should I give up the things my kids need and I need to leave him because of what he did. I'm not ready financially or emotionally to let him go. I know this may sound cold, but half the reason he is still here is because I don't want the OW to have him and because I need him to to things for me. He did what was best for him when he had an affair, the OW did what was best for her when she didn't to have an affair and a child with a married man, so why shouldn't I do what is best for me by letting him stay here and support his 3 kids, be a father to them and tend to my needs like I have done for him during the past 10 years of our marriage. If I decide to get out of this marriage it will be because I am ready not because some OW decides it's time to tell all. You just sit down and think about what you want and don't let anyone tell you to stay with your husband or to leave him. Only you can decide what is best for your situation. And remember no matter what he says or anyone says, you listen to your inner voice and do what is right for you. You are strong, you can make it and you can make your own decisions. This may be a tough situation for you as it is for all of us in this predictament, but don't let it take you down. Work through your feelings and don't fall apart.

If any of you know, I'd like to know how child support works in a situation like this. Does the OW get partial payment is the H already has kids? What percentage does she get? Please tell me anything that you know.