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#811978 03/23/02 09:15 AM
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I am a pregnant "other woman". My husband and I are to divorce this summer (proceedings began last summer). My lover is married and just filled out a questionnaire from this web site for his wife as they may enter counseling. He calls me every day and cannot imagine not being here for the birth and life of this child. He is apathetic about his marriage and prays every night that God's will be that we be together but he has 3 children and a wife who cannot see the love he and I have and how that will last forever despite distance. She wants to fix their marriage but wonders if they will ever be in love again. Even if they find this again, he knows it will never be equivalent to what he and I have. I do not understand how avoiding a lover can be the right thing for a marriage. If it cannot survive him being around the lover, then there is not a marriage worth saving. It would only be one based on avoidance of the truth about his feelings. What to do?

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tobemommy,<p>This website is called Marriage Builders. It is for people want help in healing their marriages. If you read the info on this website, you will see that the entire purpose of what people so here is to try to recover from affairs not getting their lovers away from their spouses. It is possible to do this, but not as long as the other person is around. You might be better served going to another website that is for the "other person".

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firefly10:<p>You are too kind! Actually, tbmommy deserves kindness as well, but so do the other parties in all of this - her H, her OM, and his W. She should know that, particularly if OM and OMW are beginning counselling, her OM is trying in his own way to save his M. She should consider trying to save her own, if that's possible. I'm not trying to tell her just what she should do here, but it should be obvious that expecting OM to have a relationship with his W and her at the same time is not going to work at all. They'll all be miserable.

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tbmommy,<p>I actually agree with both replys, but want to add that this is, indeed, a site to repair marriages, not break them up and re-marry the newly divorced. Your situation is not one that would benefit, if you are determined to get divorced, and your OM is working on his M, you are going to be left to raise this child on your own. Therefore, you will be the looser. If your OM decides to get divorced, and marry you, his W and THEIR children will then suffer. Either way, someone is going to suffer, and, to put it lightly, his W and THEIR children were in the picture long before you! Now, if you decide that you should try to work on your marriage(of course, we don't know the reason(s) for your D) and your H is willing to raise this child, then you will receive much advice, otherwise, you won't find much, especially here where it is mainly W's dealing with their H's child from an A. We are trying to save marriages, not encourage infidelity.<p>To all others, sorry if this was a little harsh, just hit a nerve!<p>Tigger

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I would not have posted on this site if I was not ready for these replies. I knew that the "other woman" has no rights in these people's eyes. I have asked for forgiveness and know that God will not give me more than I can handle. I know this now. I also do not want to encourage infidelity, only truth about who is right for whom. I believe skirting the issue of the truth about feelings and love does more to hurt than help people. Doesn't anyone view this child like all children as a blessing who deserves the best they can have?

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<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

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Goodness. I have never encountered such a bitter group of people. I'll pray for all of you. I fear even in my situation, I will fare better than many at this website. For someone not to view a child as a blessing is a true tragedy. God loves all his children the same regardless of how they came about. He may even have great plans for this child. Hopefully through whatever this recovery is you are undergoing, you will find peace and be strong to endure what life has given you. I hope repliers are more kind towards others who need help in these forums. I can withstand it but for some, I do worry about all of the negativity and judgement handed out.

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"doesn't anyone view this child like all children as a blessing who deserves the best they can have ?"<p>
I think I'm one of the few here that agree with that. All children are a blessing regardless of how they were concieved.This is my Doc's only opportunity to have his own "natural " child and I'm behind his desire to be an active part of his/her life. after all he's agreed to take my children into his home and love them like they were his own. Now while I have no ill will towards this OC...I do struggle with OW's pregnancy, somehow I've made this into 2 seperate issues.I infact despise her for her part in all of this.
But somehow we'll make this "unconventional" family work...that is if I survive this pregnancy.LOL
It is my hope to somehow come to terms with this woman( God willing).<p>Peace! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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tbmommy:<p>"Doesn't anyone view this child like all children as a blessing who deserves the best they can have? "<p>Absolutely! He/she will be a person, regardless of who her/his parents are. We all deserve a good life.<p>"I knew that the "other woman" has no rights in these people's eyes."<p>I don't believe this is true, either. There are many "other women" who contribute to this site, but they are here specifically to rebuild their marriages and help others understand what they're going through. <p>I can't comment on all the God stuff, I'm an atheist, but I believe very strongly in integrity and doing what's right. This OM of yours has a family, and appears to be willing to work with his W to rebuild his marriage. Give him the chance! And the only way to do that is to leave him alone, completely. IF he and his W can't rebuild their M and end it in divorce, then it might make sense for him to contact YOU, when he's unattached and he's not then "cheating" to be with you. But I wouldn't hold my breath - it could take years. Many people her have spent that long rebuilding trust and honesty within their relationships. Having someone like you "in the wings" doesn't help that process at all. Sorry your new child will likely grow up without a father, but it's far less traumatic for you to deal with the pain of losing OM than it is for his W and family, who have believed in him all their lives, to deal with it. <p>You will get harsh replies from this forum, but I think for the most part that people really care how you feel and would like to help, provided you understand where they are coming from.

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tobemommy
I'm sorry if you have to hear so much negative. I will pray for you and your baby. Hope everything turns out right and wish you much happiness.

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Dear 2Bm,<p>I also agree that all children are blessings. However, if you look at your initial post, you will see the reason why you are encountering some hostility at this site.<p>Like many of the ex-OWs in our lives, from your post it looks like the child is a secondary issue -- getting the man is your primary issue.
And, unfortunately, it seems that your lover has made his choice. It is a major step in a marriage to decide to enter counselling. That action alone says to all the BSs on this board that he has chosen and made a commitment -- to try to make his marriage work.<p>From my H's affair, I have learned a great deal about spouses who cheat. My H was telling the OW the same things your MM is telling you -- I love you more than I have ever loved anyone -- my wife doesn't understand me -- we barely speak to each other -- I have never opened up to anyone like I do with you -- yada, yada, yada ... <p>Well, the sad truth is while he was saying this to the OW, he was home every night with me, he was in our bed sharing the most incredible intimacy, and he was telling me that he could never love anyone like he loved me. Cheaters can do that so well that you cannot distinguish the truth from a lie. It is like they develop two separate personalities and they switch from one to another -- each telling the other person what they want to hear.<p>I am sure your MM wants to be there for your child. But don't confuse guilt with love. My H was sneaking out of the house to see his OC because he felt responsible for this little person he brought into the world but he did not want to cause me any more pain than he had already put me through. <p>His guilt was overwhelming. And he told me that he felt so horrible about the situation because he led the OW on and made her believe that they had a future together. But, when she pushed too much and got pregnant to try to force his hand, that is when he woke up from his fog and realized where his love and loyalty really was.<p>2B, marriage becomes monotonous under the best of circumstances because marriage is real life. Bills need to be paid, repairs have to be made, cleaning, laundry, the list goes on and on. An affair is fantasyland because you only get to spend the quality time with the OP. My H told me at the end of it all that his ex-OW had been an escape -- an opportunity to be anyone he wanted to be without the history, the problems and the baggage he carried in his real life with me. <p>But you can't live in a fantasy forever. And that is probably why your MM is trying to put the pieces back together with his wife. Don't underestimate the bond of marriage. It is not a joining of bodies and sometimes hearts like in an affair. It is the joining of two souls to become one person. The monotony of life may shake it up, but it doesn't break that bond so easily.<p>Your child is a gift. So, I think you need to stop scheming to break up a marriage that seems to want to survive and start understanding that YOU are going to be ultimately responsible for the life growing inside you. I think you should start thinking about what it means to be a single mother and how you are going to cope alone.<p>In your initial post, you ended by saying that if the marriage "cannot survive him being around the lover, then there is not a marriage worth saving. It would only be one based on avoidance of the truth about his feelings."<p>It seems that you are the one who is avoiding the truth about his feelings. Actions speak so much louder than words. He and his wife are trying to make their marriage work. That says it all.<p>I hope that God will lead you to happiness and eventually to a full life of your own with a loving H.<p>God bless and protect you,
love,
heavenly

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Excellent post heavenly!!!<p>:: bowing out::

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I hope repliers are more kind towards others who need help in these forums. I can withstand it but for some, I do worry about all of the negativity and judgement handed out. <hr></blockquote><p>I will say it one more time, this is a site to build up marriages, not tear them down. Your posts here are all about you and your MM either getting married, or something along those lines.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I do not understand how avoiding a lover can be the right thing for a marriage. If it cannot survive him being around the lover, then there is not a marriage worth saving. It would only be one based on avoidance of the truth about his feelings. What to do? <hr></blockquote><p>As other's have said, it seems as if he is willing to work on his marriage, and, contrary to what you may believe, it can be repaired, and survive something such as this! <p>Oh, and I have never said that a child is not a blessing! All children are blessings, just not to everyone else! The reason you are getting such negative replies here is your agenda in divorcing and wanting the MM to divorce and marry you! I don't feel that it has anything to do with your pregnancy, just your attitude!

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Where's Catnip when you need her???

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Tobemommy.<p>You mentioned that you and your husband are in D proceedings prior to getting pregnant with the MM. Do you already have children with your husband? Was your current pregnancy planned or an accident. <p>Seems to me from your post, that you are trying to get the MM to break away from his family to be with you. Do you feel that your pregnancy will make that decision easier for him. If so, you are only kidding yourself. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

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sorry, something happened to my keyboard, <p>Anyway, Your lover, is working on rebuilding his marriage. That is a fact you must accept. Yes, he calls you daily, he feels guilty. He has done much to his family, the wife and children who love him are standing by him. Yet you feel that you deserve him?
I am sorry this is happening to you. But those are the consequences of getting involved with a MM.
This is harsh. But its reality.

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I understand there are other sites that would probably be much more helpful to you. I feel badly for your children, and his, along with your spouses. Perhaps one day he will look back (and you may too) like my H did, and realize it was an addiction, not love at all. I hope for the little ones' sake that their lives aren't destroyed by this.

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tobemommy:
<strong>I believe skirting the issue of the truth about feelings and love does more to hurt than help people. <p>
Doesn't anyone view this child like all children as a blessing who deserves the best they can have?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi tobe<p>"Feelings" are fluffy. "Love" is a choice. I choose to love someone for their qualities or how they make me feel when I am around them. Love itself is not a feeling, it is a choice. It is important for you to understand this because it is the key to why your MM has gone back to his wife. He chooses to love her. He chooses to make his life with her. <p>As for your child being a blessing to you and deserving the best you can offer her/him, I couldn't agree more. it is your child and it is your obligation to give it the best you have and see this child as your blessing, regardless of how any outsider sees your child. It is important to understand this child is your child, it belongs to you. Other people will simply see it as any kid on the block it is not emotionally connected to. It doesn't mean they do not see it as a blessing...they do...they see it as your blessing.<p>May God bless you and your child.<p>Catnip =^^=

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tobemommy:
<strong>...My lover is married and just filled out a questionnaire from this web site for his wife as they may enter counseling...I do not understand how avoiding a lover can be the right thing for a marriage. If it cannot survive him being around the lover, then there is not a marriage worth saving. It would only be one based on avoidance of the truth about his feelings. What to do?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Are you sure you are not the one who is avoiding the truth about his feelings since he has obviously chosen to stick it out and work on his marriage????????????????? I think you should probably move on with your own life and let him move on with his since that seems to be what he has decided to do. He said he "can't imagine not being there for the child's birth, etc." well, essentially, that means he is NOT going to be there for you... Right? Maybe you should even consider adoption as a viable alternative so that your baby can grow up in a loving, two parent family.<p>I never considered adoption for my OC, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have.<p>Maybe there is even another chance for you to work out your own marriage. Why should you let your man get away because of a fantasy affair? Why should you lose your marriage while he has chosen to work on his? He tells you that it's his wife who wants to work on it, but if he didn't want to work on it, he would have left her and married you in a heartbeat. Evidently his heart is truly at home with his wife and children. Give him that right. Move on...

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tobemommy:
[QB]Goodness. I have never encountered such a bitter group of people. I'll pray for all of you.QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Stick around! What you perceive as "bitterness" is just pragmatic, no-nonsense remarks and advice...just the truth and nothing but.<p>You have to understand it is hard for some of us not to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of some of the statements we have encountered here from OP's trying to make the walking wounded here feel guilty or obligated to love their spawn or feel responsible for it. After all, it is the OP's OC, not ours. We had nothing to do with the decisions to conceive or have or keep OC and are forever held financially responsible for the most suprememly selfish act on the face of the earth of having an interloper storm into our marriages and have intimacies with our spouse and conceive a kid. Then, laughably, the OP's chastise us for not mewling fondly over their spawn as if it is the Messiah, as if we should be glad and rejoice over their child. I mean, it defies logic. It isn't OUR child. It certainly isn't OUR blessing.<p>While none of us wish the OC any ill will, we do not wish to have any involvement (in most cases) because of the detriment to our marriages and families. We ALL wish they (OP & OC) did not exist at all but realize because of our spouse's unbelievable selfishness, we will bear the pain of this breach of trust and betrayal all our lives whether we stay with our spouses or not. <p>Divorce does not diminish the pain. Many of us have so much history with our spouses we opt to stay and work things out, if we can. That is why we are here at Marriage Builders.<p>It is highly inappropriate for an OP to come to Marriage Builders and say they are going to "pray" for us as if we are the ones who are looked upon with disfavor by God. The ludicrous, self-righteous chastising from an OP does nothing but make us groan and roll our eyes. It's silly. It won't work here.<p>Catnip =^^=

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