Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 3
R
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 3
We have been married for 27 years and I was an alcoholic for much of that time. Four years ago my family had written me off, and my wife was forcing me to live under an agreement which confined me to live in one room of our home, without any contact with my family, or she would divorce me. I'd been in several outpatient programs over the years, but couldn't admit that I really had a problem, so never stayed sober. My wife had found Al-Anon and detached from me. She had asked me to not attend church with her and the kids anymore, so I started attending a different church, where I found love, acceptance, and help. Long story, but as a result of the teachings of this church, one night, three and a half years ago, I had a powerful spiritual encounter, discovering God as a loving Father, rather than a condemning judge. I was immediately delivered from alcoholism and have had no desire to drink since. I found my way back into the kids' hearts quite quickly and we have a wonderful relationship, especially my 22 year old daughter and I. However, my wife and I can't seem to reconnect. At my urging, we tried Christian counseling and an inner healing retreat, but nothing seems to help. She remains detached and spends her time doing things with her friends and with her church groups. We still attend seperate churches and that seems to be a real barrier. Whenever I've tried to establish a time for mutual Bible study, meditation, or prayer, it has turned into something that causes friction between us and she discontinues trying after a couple sessions. I have become very active in outreach ministry through my church, both locally, and doing some ministry in other churches around the country, seeing many miracles in the lives of those I have worked with, as they too are set free and healed when they encounter God as their Father. I long so much for a spiritual connection with my wife and to have her support, rather than ridicule. She won't even come to one of my conferences. I've suggested that we try to find a new church where we can worship together and where we can both grow, but she refuses to consider changing churches. I think the pastor in her church keeps warning her of the "pitfalls" of other denominations. She has been on antidepressants for several years and I was on them for a couple years, but managed to break free from the worst of the depression a year ago, although I still feel depressed when I think about my marriage. I have come to see that the co-dependancy training she received in Al-Anon no doubt resulted in her being able to stay married to me until I hit my bottom, but now that my life has been transformed, my wife can't seem to get past all the hurt and distrust and reconnect with me. She says that she can't trust me enough to really want to try to reestablish a close relationship. She tells me that she enjoys her independant life immensely and questions why I can't just let her live her life, doing as she pleases with whom she pleases. (She admits she had several affairs during my drinking years and that she was a "sex-addict, but says she has that under contol.) For the last three years, I've tried desperately to just leave her alone and shower love on her in every way that she will accept it. I do much of the housework, compliment her on everything I can think of, do the things she wants me to, buy her everything her heart desires, etc. (She hasn't worked outside the home since we had kids.) Rather than drawing us closer, this just seems to be fueling her independant lifestyle. I started searching the internet for helpful guidance and stumbled across this web-site. The "How the Co-dependancy Movement is Ruining Marriages" article states exactly what I have recently come to realize--this teaching is beneficial where there is active addiction, but otherwise destroys relationships. This fierce independance is preventing us from reestablishing any kind of real relationship, much less marriage. How can I break through the wall of isolation that the co-dependancy teaching built? Is there any hope that I can ever have a real marriage with this woman that has become a stranger?

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3
S
sca Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3
I have known my H for 28 years and have been married to him for 16 of those. He has been a drug user and alcoholic since he was in forth grade. He completed a rehab program a few months before we were married. Through the years he has drank on and off. This last year he has drank on occasion (or so he says)and lied to me about it. I did not trust him and had my suspicions already. This has been a continuing patern for us and now he says that he does not have a drinking problem and does not see what it would hurt to have a couple of beers every now and then. My response is anger, rage, and hurt.
More than likely all the things you have been doing are right. Your wife does not trust you. She had to get on with her own life instead of wallowing in the one that was created for her. I wish I had the same resources right now for myself .Her support group is not to blame for what has happened, she got help where she could. I can not speak for your wife, but tearing down her support will probably not help.Take a closer look at the situation and maybe that will give you some insight.
Good luck and Gods Blessings.

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 5,864
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 5,864
Hi,
I am sorry for your pain.
i don't have any advice for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I have been struggling w/ how i feel about al-anon and co-dependency lately.

My H has some addictive tendencies (both sex and alchohol) and his father was an alchoholic.....so are a brother and sister.....i think the sister takes her sobriety and "looking out for herself" to an unhealthy level......she doesn't let anyone get too close to her.......she has been married 3 times and is now in a current affair w/ a married (now seperated) man, she met at AA.
the brother has left his wife a couple of times but they are together again.

i am pretty sure i am a co-dependant in my relationship.....i'd say my H is too.......but, i do love him and don't want to break up our family....... i know it's the last thing he wants.
yet, all the info i read about Alnon and advice co-dependency scares me.......because i am afraid if i embrace it, i will become distant and cold-hearted toward my h and I don't know if that is what is needed......for him or my children.
maybe for me......but, that just feels too selfish.
still, i live every day wondering if i should be trusting him.....if i can believe him....or, if i should trust my instincts........and i have great doubt about my instincts lately.....i wonder if i am paranoid or too blind to see the obvious.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

any advice for me ?

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3
S
sca Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3
Hi Nelly
The first thing I have to wonder about is how long has this been going on? All of us at some point and time have to be selfish just to have our own needs met. I do not believe that this has to result in others being hurt and I do not believe that our relationships with the ones we love need to be destroyed in the process. If you do not feel comfortable with the teachings of a certain group then don't by any means join. It is possible to take what you need from the group and leave the rest. Other wise there are other less radical support groups out there.
I know in my case this web sight has already helped tremendously. I spoke with my H last night about it and he has agreed to be evaluated again for alcoholism knowing that if he is told that he is not an alcoholic he will still need to stop drinking to repair the damage that has been done. I myself was remanded to an alcohol class many years ago where I learned alot about alcoholism and its affects. I also learned that there are many types of alcohol addictions. If you have any doubts please educate yourself so that you can make an informed decission as to the actions that you need to take. I explained to my H that the only way Marriage builders will work is if the confirmed addict gets the needed treatment.I also asked him to think about the marriage builders program carefully. He needs to be brutally honest with me and himself. If he continues to lie nothing will be solved. In any case If you do not get the help you need your children will suffer(been there done that).If you cannot take care of yourself and you are not happy how can you take care of someone else? My children are all teenagers now and they have lived through this with me. They have seen and felt the affects of living with an alcoholic/addict. My H has never physically hurt me or our children, he is not a mean drunk.The main problem we have had is when he is drinking it is with his friends and or other family members. He breaks promises to the children and myself. He spends all his free time with his drinking buddies and he lies to cover up his drinking. In a nut shell drinking takes the place of his family. Mentally the effects of his alcoholism have taken there toll on all of us. I was so devasted that I could not get myself together and I had an extremely hard time makeing sure that my childrens needs were met. Suffice it to say I failed terribly. Has your H ever been evaluated? Is he willing to be evaluated? If he is an alcoholic does he want to get help? Are you willing to get the help you need to deal with his addictions? Are your children being affected? These are all questions that I hope you will consider and please don't sugar coat it. Be very honest with yourself. For 16 years I have heard "I am sorry" and " I will never drink again." "I didn't mean to hurt you." " I love you and want you and the kids." "I don't want a separation or divorce." If this sounds familiar don't wait to get help thinking that you can fix it or that it will all go away. Get the help you need now.
sca

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 5,864
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 5,864
thanks for answering my pst, sca.

his drinking has not really caused us any major problems......except for the fact that i have later found out he lied to me about it.
he has lied to me about "independant behaviour" for years.
we are currently in MC. He does say he wants to deal with this and be open and honest.
I have every reason to believe him at this time......but, i am cautious.

sorry to steal your thread, Royal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 3
R
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 3
nelly,

You didn't steal my thread. Thanks for the post. I generally agree with the comments of sca, but for those that are co-dependant and need AlAnon, they need to keep in mind that they will need to "unlearn" the detaching mechanisms if and when their spouse ever sobers up.

I am still active in AA and enjoy helping other alcoholics. I totally support the AA and AlAnon programs, but I've actually lost my wife due to the detachment. I can see where she has been terribly hurt by what I did when I was drinking, but I've been sober for well over 3 years now and I can't regain her trust, so we can't seem to discuss anything that is the least bit controversial. Living like that continues to drive us further apart. I fear that eventually it will totally destroy our marriage.

Alcoholics in denial are really very sneaky. They can lie with the pros and will do whatever it takes to protect their right to drink. They can fool the professional evaluators. I speak from my personal experience. I did it for years. If a person is caught lying about their drinking, there is high probablility that they are an alcoholic. If your spouse is an alcoholic, I totally support your participation in AlAnon and using their tools, but please remember that once you are absolutely sure he is in full recovery and has demonstrated and proven it for a reasonable amount of time--say 6 months, you will need to reconnect with him and start practicing principles that allow you to confront issues openly, like the principles supported on this website. This may be very difficult to reestablish.

I wish you both the best in your troubled marriages, and I pray that your husbands will find the only source that can really fill the emotional and spiritual void that they are trying to fill with alcohol. That is a personal relationship with a loving God. May they find Him now! And, I pray that He will keep you secure in His loving arms when you trust that He is adequate to meet your every need.

Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 341
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 341
Congrat on giving your life over to God and becoming new in Jesus Christ our savior! That is awesome!!!!! I keep praying for my Husband to be delivered from his addictions and to give his life to Christ. I pray things get better for you and your wife.
God Bless,
Stormy


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5