I am so mad at myself!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I said I would have no contact and it happened.

Well my H called yesterday afternoon and was crying saying he got my letter and I told him that I understood his decision and it was better for us not to talk, he then began to cry and say that he doesnt know what to do and he wanted to see me today he continued to ask if I would be going to my sister inlaws house for turkey to which I replied, NO, so he cried again and said he had to stop by the house to pick up some clothes so I told him ok and I left to my mom's house to spend the holiday, well this is where I screwd up , I decided to show up at my inlaws for turkey, and I knew he was there. Well he came to me and hugged me and kissed me and blah blah blah, well we were outside and he was telling me that I dont realize how hard it is for him to do what he is doing and that he misses me so much, he then said he wanted to go over to house , so after we socialized with family for awhile, we were back outside hugging (I was crying, he was comforting me) and OW passes by in her truck with OC, so he looks up and is shocked thinking "she is spying on me" well this is one of my many flags , she tells him what am I doing there , I am thinking WHAT!!, he says oh yeah I am having an affair with my wife, and she starts crying hysterically. Remember the whole time my H has been saying that he is doing this for his child ,but her reactions tell me otherwise. So she drives off and keeps passing by maybe 10-12 times before she finally goes home, as soon as she is home, his cell phones rings and rings and rings and he doesnt answer the phone. Well he comes to my house and we have relations and then we are talking, I break down and cry and tell him I should not have seen him, I dont understand why he doesnt want to be with me , I have made sacrifices and he wont, so he gets angry and says when he choose to stay with me he made the ultimate sacrifice of not being with his child day and night, he then says I am not going anywhere, I will stay here, I will just have to not be with him. I said do whatever will make you happy because I dont want you to resent me and tell me that I made you stay. So we napped for about 2 hours and at 12am he got up to leave, FLAG #2 he said I will be home tomorrow I love you, dont cry anymore and I am sorry, If all this was true, he would not be leaving. So I called his cell phone after he left and he didnt answer so I checked his messages and there was one from OW and she is crying and saying " I have had enough, it has been 3 hours" So I am thinking what is he telling her that he is not telling me , I think he is playing us both , and keeping me there in case things dont pan out with PSYCHO. So I went to bed and of course woke up really down, I called him (I should not have) and asked if he was still coming home, he yelled at me and said I was pressuring him to chose between his son and his wife, I said no , he told me different, he said he was sorry but he has not made a decision yet. But yet he is at her house. So I am back to damn square one, hitting myself on the damn head for seeing him and allowing this to happen again. I will not call him , I will let him go. He tells me not to lose hope and have faith in his love for me , but I dont belive that you could continue to play games and hurt someone you love.

Hello Jessica, WAKE UP CALL!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well sorry this was so long, I am still trying to pick myself up, It just seems that I am stuck and cant move. Somebody send me a lifeline.. LOL

Trying,

Jessica

jessica,

your story reminded me of an incident that happened after a fight H and I had.

he said some [censored] like, "i'm just getting you better for the next man."

well i lost it. he left to a friends house and the friend called me later. i guess he told them how he left me in hysterics.

the friend called and asked me what i was doing at that very moment and i said, "i'm getting myself ready for the next man."

Our friend told my husband what i said and the friend said he broke down crying. hearing me verbalize that someone else was going to have me shook his core. He came flying home after he dried his tears.

It was a turning point for us (one of many). But I think the reality of: if he let "us" go that I would and could move on, made him think about what was "up for grabs."

My point in telling you all of this ... you must stay firm in no contact and pull yourself together.

Work on being as strong as possible to show him (and yourself) that you don't NEED him. You may WANT him, but you don't NEED him. There's a big difference.

There's nothing wrong with wanting your husband back. But you somehow have to push that want to the back burner while you work on healing yourself.

I know it sounds impossible ... but it can be done. Just get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tell yourself you deserve better than this ... because you do.

Don't allow him to trample over your spirit another day.

Don't let him squeeze the life out of your joy.

Look to God and yourself for strength and peace. It's there you just have to learn how to cultivate it.

I'm saying a prayer for you tonight. I'm praying for your strength, understanding, and peace.

It's all yours for the taking ... just grab it, and don't let go.

Z.

Oh Jessica...........................your post has brought back a lot of emotion for me. I am the one that Zebrababy emailed. I think maybe out Hs may be related.

Wow, where do I start?

Well, you know how you felt when you saw his truck at ow's? God did put his arms around you and He will continue to do so if you allow Him to. God is a gentelman and will always hold the door open if you are willing to step though. Trust Him Jessica. I did and I am so much the better for doing so. My marriage to Billy is ending. The chapter is closing and another one is beginning. I also am 26. Way too young to waste anymore time with someone who has no concept of what a marriage is. Mine hadnt a clue and it doesnt sound like yours has one either.

We were married 6 years, known him since I was 14. He was my first love, but he will not be my only love. I am learning to love me. And I know now the only man I NEED is my Father God. I am also secure in the fact that I have every Biblical and worldly right to leave this marriage . You have been given some wonderful advice. Couldnt have said it better myself.

Heres a little of my story......

Hopefully Ill be able to give my story before my little one wakes up....

We got married in 1996. In 1998 I had our first daughter. He already had one from his previous marriage. When A (our first daughter) was 3 months old he left for Az (he was army). There he met ow#1 in Aug of 1998. I found out she existed soon after but I thought nothing had happened. He promised to not be alone with her, etc. Found out in April 1999 ow#1 was pregnant. I decided I was staying in my marriage and he cried and couldnt understand how I could forgive him etc. In June 1999 we moved together to Ga. He hadnt seen A but 1 time in a year and a half. Oc was born Oct 1999. From April to Oct H had no contact with ow from out house but I found out she would call him at work. Long story short there she got too controlling and was no fun anymore since she was so "serious" all the time so he cut her and oc out of our life. I was under the impression

Hi borken_wings, your post cut off.. Sorry

Jessica 26, I'm sure BW will be back when she gets time.

I have been following your story and am very sorry you are dealing with so much pain.

Don't worry, Plan B will happen. You'll need a lot of time to adjust but believe it or not, you will.

Pray, Jessica. I'll join you.

Let us know how you're doing.

love
Debi

Well, the message in church today was that we will all suffer and regardless of how right we think we are people will not believe us.

Friday night I stayed at my moms house and H called over there and said he wanted to talk to me so I met him to talk. He cried and said that he was coming home because he missed me and that he loved me. He also said it would be hard for him to leave the OC and I had to understand that he would be down. I didnt say much since I didnt belive he would be back, well he did come home and I feel like I am living with a ZOMBIE, I told him today that I can more emotion out of a one night stand than to be with him. He then said "well arent you happy" I thought wait a minute , I didnt want you home for this [censored], For a little over a year now, I have sacraficed my dignity , pride and every thing I had to make him feel comfortable and this is what I get. I know he loves his child, but if he loved us at all he would allow me to comfort him during his times of need and we would work on "US" I am starting to realiza there isnt an us, after so many tears and so much heartache(my heart literally hurts) I now sit here and think, I am better off without him. And it does hurt that I dont feel that he loves me the same anymore but he isnt doing my spirit and soul any good with me. I want to have a talk with him this evening, I want to do this like adults and I want him to be honest. But knowing him he is too tired to talk, tired of talking, will stomp off when he is asked any questions and he will also lie till he is blue in the face. Its happening, I am slowly but surely getting there. I guess sometimes in life we want the people who hurt us to hurt as much as we do. I have to remember I shouldnt be sorry for anything anymore, I am not the one who made this bed, so I dont have to lie in it. I will let you know how the converasation goes. As far as OW, I think that he is using the story of him needing to be with OC day and night so that he can really be with her. He would never admit it and I dont doubt anything anymore.

******Finally, starting to look out for me********
Jessica <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well, the message in church today was that we will all suffer and regardless of how right we think we are people will not believe us.

Friday night I stayed at my moms house and H called over there and said he wanted to talk to me so I met him to talk. He cried and said that he was coming home because he missed me and that he loved me. He also said it would be hard for him to leave the OC and I had to understand that he would be down. I didnt say much since I didnt belive he would be back, well he did come home and I feel like I am living with a ZOMBIE, I told him today that I can more emotion out of a one night stand than to be with him. He then said "well arent you happy" I thought wait a minute , I didnt want you home for this [censored], For a little over a year now, I have sacraficed my dignity , pride and every thing I had to make him feel comfortable and this is what I get. I know he loves his child, but if he loved us at all he would allow me to comfort him during his times of need and we would work on "US" I am starting to realiza there isnt an us, after so many tears and so much heartache(my heart literally hurts) I now sit here and think, I am better off without him. And it does hurt that I dont feel that he loves me the same anymore but he isnt doing my spirit and soul any good with me. I want to have a talk with him this evening, I want to do this like adults and I want him to be honest. But knowing him he is too tired to talk, tired of talking, will stomp off when he is asked any questions and he will also lie till he is blue in the face. Its happening, I am slowly but surely getting there. I guess sometimes in life we want the people who hurt us to hurt as much as we do. I have to remember I shouldnt be sorry for anything anymore, I am not the one who made this bed, so I dont have to lie in it. I will let you know how the converasation goes. As far as OW, I think that he is using the story of him needing to be with OC day and night so that he can really be with her. He would never admit it and I dont doubt anything anymore.

******Finally, starting to look out for me********
Jessica <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jess,

I am nursing baby right now so I really cant type....Ill try to get on later. Just wanted you to know I am praying for you.

Love

bw