OH i ALMOST FORGOT, PICKET FENCE LIFE IS FAR FROM THE TRUTH, I DO THE SAME THINGS ALL MOTHERS DO, CHANGE DIRTY DIAPERS, BALANCE THE CHECKBOOK, RUN CAR POOLS, GO TO THE SCHOOL AND VOLUNTEER, MY HUSBAND WORKS TWO JOBS AND WE ALSO HAVE OUR OWN BUSINESS, WE WORK TILL VERY LATE EVERY NIGHT AND , STILL HAVE TO HELP WITH HOMEWORK, SCHOOL PLAYS, DANCES, CHURCH ACTIVITIES, CLASSES, AND ABOUT 50 OTHER THINGS, REMODELING A HOME, BUYING ANOTHER HOME, TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER, WHEN SHE NEEDS SOMETHING, HELPING OUT WITH MY SISTERS KIDS, GROCERY SHOPPING, COOKING THE MEALS, DOING THE LAUNDRY, PAYING THE BILLS, MAKING SURE THE VEHICLES HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF , NEED I GO ON
I THINK THE LAST MOTHER WHO HAD A PICKET FENCE LIFE, WAS LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. LOL

NOW THERE IS A NICE THOUGHT... FOR ONE WEEK, BUT IT WOULD PROBABLY GET OLD FAST.

if picket fence refers to figting and arguing about om and pregnancy, you are right , hasnt alwys been a bed of roses, I fought wth , husband, om, and his wife about many different things, but that was long ago and we all four try and come to agreements, where daughter is concerned, the rest is a non issue and has nothing to do with us. so we dont discuss it.

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

(sigh)

I think it is time for us all to get off our soapboxes. I don't know about you, but I am so tired of hearing the same old justifications, excuses, rationalizations and defensiveness ad nauseum...

I know, I know..."what about YOU and what YOU doooooo???!!!"

The truth is that most of the OW's here rarely or never mention their husbands which makes me wonder what they are doing here besides defending their positions over and over and over again and again. I don't know anything about any of their husbands except one was a serial cheater and another was uninvolved, I think. At any rate, since these husbands seem to be a non-issue, the marriage must be a non-issue, (or perhaps just something they need so they can provide for their children or are just settling for marriage with spouse because either they have no other easy option or the OM is back with wife-I don't know or have any way of knowing) then why are they here at Marriage Builders?

Comparing that Betrayeds discuss or "obsess" over the OP is apples and oranges since the heartburn the Betrayeds feel is mostly in conjunction with financial extortion and combative behavior towards them.

And, having "lunch" with MM every week alone with child, is a slippery slope I can't even imagine. There is no excuse for this if someone is rebuilding their marriage.

The minority should acquiesce to the majority or create their own site (in the sense that OW's insist on policing Betrayed speech and are compelled to justify non-MB behaviors). This is too tough to coexist with polar opposites on a site originally created for Betrayeds. JMO

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

I have been out of the loop for 1 solid week and look what has happened!

First, to Catnip:
Darling little kitty, I love your posts. You are direct and clear on your points of view and there is nothing I like more than your clarity.
I may not always agree with you and I may not always like what you have said, but dagnabit there is no way I would try to “censor” your way of thinking. Its is your originality and your right to say what you feel and what you think.
Bravo Catnip…. Stay true to yourself. I love you that way!

Now, about the other mess now going on….
As far as the words… they are just as has been said, Words. They are here in print and for everyone to see. The specific words that have been brought up here are, of course, sometimes objectionable. But what must be remembered is the fact that they were written to emphasize a point, not to make any derogatory attack on any of us here on the board, personally.
MALC posted their meanings and that was a clear as it gets. That is their definitions and there is no way to dispute that. If the words are offensive to you, that is also your right. But you must remember, it was not said directly to you. It was said to emphasize a point.

I see that feelings are being worn on our sleeves this month. It is close to the holidays and many of us here have major triggers during this time and it also seems our sensitivity to each other has also taken a big hit.
This is my first Holiday Season here on the board. I was hoping to find that there would be more of a Comforting Spirit on the board… but I come home to find that there has been a major brouhaha among many I call friends.

There are many good points being made… many of which I personally feel exactly the same about MY situation.
But this is the point that I see as #1…
What has been said is not about MY situation… it is about the poster’s situation. He or she has every right to feel the way they do about their OWN situation. And what he/she says about the way they feel is not about MY situation…. It’s his/hers situation.

I know what it has felt like to be personally attacked and this was definitely not meant as a personal attack on anyone.. Just my point of view.

Is it going to get to the point that we must have a disclaimer above EVERY post saying that THIS IS MY POINT OF VIEW… DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY???

We have all been through pain caused by an affair. Whether we are the BS or the WS or an OW we all have been through some form of pain. And regardless of what “side” of the triangle you find yourself on it still has its points.
We are all at the very least working ourselves and trying to overcome the pain that the A caused us. We must try to accept each other’s feelings. They are all valid. There are many here that are still very new to the pain of the A and they need to know that their feelings are REAL. The hatred that comes at the beginning of finding out about an affair, or finally being honest about an affair, is very overwhelming and can last a very long time. Recovery takes time and it can take a long time for many to reach even the first levels of Acceptance and Forgiveness.

We all need to understand that we are here FOR each other. Not to belittle each other or make judgments against each other’s feelings. There have been many times that someone has felt the need to leave the board because they have been attacked.

I pray that none of the “newbies” will be afraid to post because of the recent posts on this board/subject.

Hugs and Prayers for everyone.

TO MOF
You can sound as convincing as you may but the way you respond to post says something else.

You can glamorize your situation you still don't have me convince. When I first came to this site I read your post. I said my she seem so arrogant and angry, to have moved past what she claimed to have moved past.

If you really did the work as you claimed you have, nothing no one would have said would bother you . You wouldn't have a need to jump in and defend any topic concerning OW After all what these BS discuss is there truth whatever they are feelings this is a site for BS I thought.

So like I said and still say you may have everyone else convinced of your pickett fence life you don't have me convince some folk are that sick they will come here and glamorize there story.

If what I say was so crazy you would ignor my post you would have no need to discuss this with H or OM you would simply, ignor what I have to say because the truth needs no support.
If it's true what you say.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I AM NOT BITTER ABOUT OM, I NEVER PLANNED ON DIVORCING MY HUSBAND, MY GOD I SEE HIM MORE NOW THAN I DID ALL THOSE YEARS IN THE AFFAIR. We are both married, in fact I have been married twice as long as he has and have no plans on leaving my marriage. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND AM WORKING ON MY MARRIAGE. I HAVE ALSO COME TO REALISE I WOULDNT WANT TO BE OTHER MANS WIFE, I HAVE SEEN HOW IT WORKS AND I WOULDNT WANT IT.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

OH really but you sure wanted his child, what a contradiction You sleep with this man without using contraceptive, had an affair for a numbers of yrs and you say, you did't want to be the om man wife, You just wanted to create Havoc in his life like most miserable people do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MOST OF THESE DISCUSSIONS DEAL WITH DEALING WITH THE OTHER PERSON AND ALL SHOULD KNOW THAT IT ISNT ALWAYS A NIGHT MARE AND SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT THAT DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH AND THESE VISITS CAN WORK OUT. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

In some cases this may be true but from what I see it breeds another Affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mOST OF YOU TALK ABOUT THE OW AND DONT SAY A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDS EITHER. COULD IT BE YOUR OBBSESSED WITH YOUR ow!? MAYBE </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I disagree most people come to to vent about there situation. Me I talk about the situation whatever the case may be.Seem to me the obssession is OP set on destroying a marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I AM TRULY SORRY YOU ARE SUFFERING AND DEALING WITH THIS, BUT I SEE KNOW REASON TO INSULT OTHER PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE HURTING, IT WORKS BOTH WAYS. wE ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, DIFFERENT AGES, [I AM PRETTY SURE I AM QUITE A FEW YEARS OLDER THAN YOU</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

My daughter is 25 I'm 2yrs shy from being 50 Suffering I'm not.Suffering reminds me of long term affects. I can function, not bed bound, work everyday, go out parting when I feel like it, no need for meds. I have good days I have bad days. When you suffer it's an on going event. I have my days, I feel on top of the world. Then I have my bad days but it's not an on going thing because it does get better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IF A MAN COMES HERE FOR SUPPORT AND HEARS THIS GARBAGE HE MAY NOT WANT HELP FROM HERE, BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT YOU TALKING ABOUT HIS WIFE IN THIS MANNER, AFTER ALL WE ARE ALL HUMAN WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES... YOUR HUSBAND DID. I WOULD GUESS MANY OF THOSE OW FEEL THEY DID AS WELL.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Well what do you call what you spew from your mouth, your put downs. When I first arrived here you were one of the people I questioned because you came off cold with no compassion and still don't.You are very critical of people. I never critized no one but my situation. I give my opinion, but you talk down to people. I picked that up about you when I read one of you post.If someone vent or give there opinion you label there feelings as garbabge and then you wonder why you get the response you get. What you put out you get back it's called the Law Of Reciprocity If its so much garbage go to gloriab site they will welcome you with open arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HOW LONG SHOULD YOUR HUSBAND FEEL GUILTY !? MY DAUGHTER IS OVER TWO YEARS OLD. DO YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO SUFFER FOR TEN YEARS, 20 HOW LONG WILL BE ENOUGH SUFFERING FOR YOU ? WHEN DO YOU SAY[ENOUGH IS ENOUGH] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

My H quilt depends on him and only Him. I have no control over, that a process within it's self some never feel guilt there arrogance will never allow such, as yourself that's my opinion once again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND HE MADE A MISTAKE BUT HE STAYED WITH ME AND LOVES ME AND WE WILL BE JUST FINE, I WILL NOT GIVE THIS OP THE POWER TO HURT ME, BY SUFFERING ANY MORE WITH THIS ? [/QUOTE

This is contradiction, get the story straight now you H made the mistake and stayed with you???
A big contradiction.

[QUOTE]WHAT DO WE HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.. THE AFFAIR!? I HAVE ALREADY MADE MY PEACE WITH THAT AND WOULD GUESS I DIDNT FEEL AS GUILTY AS I SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE OF MY HUSBANDS PAST RECORD.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Two wrongs don't make it right nor does it make it even, and you just clarfied my point your arrogance had gotten you to the point, despite OPW had nothing to do with what your H did to you and spite of what your husband did to you, you wanted to spite her because you husband hurt you a prime case senario for some ow reason for cheating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHEN YOU USE WORDS ON HERE TO HURT YOUR OW, CHANCES ARE YOUR OW IS NOT ON HERE SO YES IT IS DIRECTED AT THOSE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN AN OW. AND YES WHEN YOU REFER TO CHILDREN HAVING AN BAD SPIRIT IN THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR PARENTS... IT IS INSULTING AND AND SILLY. SO YES I TOOK OFFENSE</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I used words but did I direct them to you? No I gave a meaning stop trying to put words in my mout Stop trying to be a victom when you are the perpetrator.
First let's clarify something she's not my OW I'm not GAY second she's my H xow and beleieve me if I have anything to say to my H xow I say it I've told her just how I felt and did't cut no corners H caught it also. Far as Ow thinking it's directed at them. When I direct something to an individual, I call there name I let it be known no second quessing or trying to figure out who I'm talking to.Another thing when I talked about spirits even in my own daughter if she waa concieved out of the deceptive spirit then hell yes I would have past that spirit on to her the fruit don't fall to far from the tree nothing silly about that that is logic where is you spiritual foundation?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DONT BE SO QUICK TO ASSUME ALL SUFFERING YOUR DOING IS COMMING FROM THE OP, YOU MIGHT FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE MEN PUT A WHOLE LOT OF EFFORT IN TO MAKING THAT OTHER PERSON THINK THEY WANT THEM AND ARE IN A BAD MARRIAGE AND LEAVING , THEY DO A HECK OF A LOT OF CHASING </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Don't take this personal,My Mother always told me this, and she said pass this along EACH ONE TEACHES ONE, that's why you think with your brain and not with your [censored]. MM will piss in your face and call it rain. You go with you gut feelings, and not your gullable feelings.That's something mom always tell me to pass on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I MADE A MISTAKE, I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 18 YEARS AND AT ONE TIME IN MY LIFE SOMEONE CAME IN AND MADE THINGS ALL BETTER, WAS I STUPID, YES FOR QUITE A FEW YEARS.. HAVE I EVER DONE IT BEFORE OR SINCE.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I've heard this from you before, but this is the first time I felt your sincerity in this statement
I applaud you in this stance you took.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU THINK YOU WILL OR WONT DO BECAUSE AT ONE TIME IN MY LIFE I SOUNDED JUST LIKE YOU </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Not being smart, but being honest you couldn't have sounded like me, if that was the case, you wouldn't have the beautiful 2 yr old daughter you have now. My reason for saying this, I deal with the spirit of things it 's causes and effects. I also deal with what I feel and the devastation that it brings. I'm a feeling person. My spirit would not nor will not, allow me to bring forth such pain, after knowing how it feels no way. Believe me my pain was so devastateing. I will not inflict that on no one, and I can take that statement to the bank. See apparently you wasn't serious when you sounded like me yrs ago because your daughter wouldn't be the product of an affair.Now I bet you run with that one. I'm not talking bad about your daughter only the spirit it witch she was created so my point is no you didn't sound like me.
I think the Creator I'm not where I use to be.I know where I want to be and it's not causing this type of harm on no one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TIME TO MOVE ON MALC, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND DECIDE YOU WILL NO LONGER GIVE YOUR OW POWER, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOUR DOING.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT EVERY OW READING THIS CRAP, IS NOT THINKING, "OH I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY ", SHE IS THINKING, YOU SAD LITTLE WOMAN </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

No that's not OW thinking that's MOF Arrogant and self serving thinking. Don't you dare bring ow in this. Carry your own weight here like I'm carring mine.You live in a very superfiscial world, to think because people share there feelings they are giving someone power .Power is acknowledging your true feelings the truth will give you freedom not MOF because she say so, far as My H ex ow, she is homeless living from pillar to post. I have a roof over my head, I know where my next meal is coming from she doesn't.Now why would she even let her mouth disrespect her brain with that statement. I forget when you operate from the deceptive spirit your thinking is invisible you think no harm can come to you only arrogance and selfishiness can get you what you want. You think everyone else suffer but you.
Be careful MOF God is not finish with you or anyone that thinks like you ok. Just because you are ready to be forgiven, that's does't mean it's time to be forgiven God will do this in there time not yours ok.. I see there are some powerful lesson, you have to learn before you really get it. I can see you haven't gotten it yet . Everthing is in the essence of time and process not when MOF said so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN HAVE THAT AS WELL, WITH OR WITH OUT CONTACT. WHAT EVER WORKS FOR YOU, BUT ONE DAY WHEN YOU CAN WAKE UP AND YOUR FIRST THOUGHT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDS OC, OR OW, THEN YOU WILL KNOW YOU HAVE MOVED ON AND LIFE ISNT SO BAD AFTER ALL.
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Now that's something would be more of a problem to you then myself because My h child is with her mother on the other hand you brought a child home, you better hope and pray, they are not your H thoughts beacause some men are quiet and settled with there thoughts until oneday they errupt like a volcanoe Ow lives in a different state from me. I have other things going on in my life that takes president over OC like my grandchildren. So that's a problem you may one day have, don't count you chicken before they hatch.

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

I think it is incredibly awesome that Mo5 can pull off what most of you/us can not. I think the fact that she has contact and for the most part, it works, has some of you in a twist.

CM

You are so right, we all have triggers, and you are certainly entittled to your opinions as well, forgive me for intruding on them...

I discuss things with my husband, because we discuss everything these days, and we have been practicing radical honesty,I figure if I practice it in turn he might learn to as well. besides all he has to do is pull up the site and read, he knows my name on here and has read many times.
That is part of our recovery process,and while not always a fast one, it isnt so bad either,

I wish you all well, have a Happy Thanks giving.

you know what catnip,

POJA

husband and I agree on what I do and when <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
thats all that matters

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Comparing that Betrayeds discuss or "obsess" over the OP is apples and oranges since the heartburn the Betrayeds feel is mostly in conjunction with financial extortion and combative behavior towards them.

And, having "lunch" with MM every week alone with child, is a slippery slope I can't even imagine. There is no excuse for this if someone is rebuilding their marriage</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN, Catnip.

BTW YOU started this thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Combative behavior indeed.....

Sheese!!!!

MALC you have done a great job defending BS here.
Do not waste your typing fingers any longer as they mostly will never "get it".

A few women here have realized the devastation that an affair/oc can cause.

Do you know that statistics say that in THIS type of betrayal the married original couple usually becomes a team and work things through?

It usually doesn't work for the good of a marriage if op's still see and talk together.

That is completely "ow thinking". Or perhaps OP thinking. I sure can't imagine the BS in that type of situation healing.

To say we, the BS, are upset because our situation
hasn't turned out THAT way is absurd!

I am tired of all of this also......

I will just say that I am greatful our situation has been improving on a daily basis. I could never have a marriage that had another woman, whom I knew about , playing house with my H for the sake of "their" child.

It just isn't the way it's supposed to be.

So go on and read this post MO5 and have a good laugh.

I don't think your laughter will last too long as your kids haven't grown enough to start presenting problems as a result of the unhealthy relationship their mom has with another man. Oh of course it's for your D. What will happen to your other kids? The shame has to show up someday.

I do not envy you. I feel sorry for you. You constantly try to talk your way into believing what you do is ok for all adults involved, a lot of us here just don't buy it.

WE will have a nice Thanksgiving. We actually had a great one last year too. Thankyou.

Now one more thing. You said if ow are whores what are our H? During the A, mine was a lying, miserable, mixed up man. However from d-day on he started to become the man I married. And after ow started with cs, he realized what a two fold liar she was. Oops! didn't take the pill and "I'll just raise the baby w/o you, it'll be ok, I love you" NOT!!!! Ha Ha.....

And all the while I was the honest, dependable, loving, sexy woman he overlooked for a while.

Boy did I look even better then!

So you both are whores, so to speak. Except from the beginning my H didn't give me the constant comotion, it was ow. He tried to keep her at bay w/lawyers, etc. He's cried for the way he treated me. Told me I didn't deserve any of it, while ow wrote letters saying she was damn good or H wouldn't have been with her....etc....

Well look what praying and God's grace have done.

Healed what he joined together. The rest is in HIS hands now. Go on and laugh again. And have a nice lunch. BTW does his wife know? If so, you are all a bunch of different people. If not, go away, as your situation is not helping anyone here in crisis. You may as well boink him again, since it's such a cozy thing.

Debi

very well said deb thank you. I agree with you 1000%

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is incredibly awesome that Mo5 can pull off what most of you/us can not. I think the fact that she has contact and for the most part, it works, has some of you in a twist.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Who say's she's really pulling this off? Do you have actual facts, or just another conjectures????

Not being smart just being honest.

Mom5,
I have sat back and tried to picture what I would think if I saw this going on at our local places we eat at. I would think YUKKKK probly lose alot of weight to.
I cant seem to feel this would be right even if it was a ex husband and you where meeting once a week to dicuss your kids. It just aint right.
Also you must be wonder women how do you find the time I wouldnt have the time to do this weekly and I only have one child at home now. Cant even imagine it with five.


Also catnip dont you dare ever change I love your furry little claws just the way they are.
with love flowerseed

Enough.

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by flowerseed:
<strong>... Also catnip dont you dare ever change I love your furry little claws just the way they are...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I agree.

Everyone has something to offer here. If we focus on the good and just try to make the best of what we've got, we'll all be okay. God didn't bring us this far to just let us go. We haven't come this far to just give up. Hang in there you guys.

MALC, I have read some of your posts on the other boards. I know what you are going through must be so extremely difficult for you right now. And you should feel comfortable to share that here without hesitation! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We should all (including myself) be more concerned about helping each other. Instead of getting caught up in semantics which is so easy to do since we can't see each other's faces and hear each other's voices. Instead of trying to see through each other, we should be trying to help each other get through this tough situation. Don'tcha think?

Mo5, CM, hang in there.

Oldies, love you all! (((GROUPHUG)))

I value everyone's opinion, don't agree with every single thing, but everyone and every opinion is valuable if we can just stick to the purpose--MBing... Love & hugs to all... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Whew! Just finish reading this entire thread. And I wanted to thank a few of you for sharing. Catnip, BTDT, Twiisty, Z, Staci and especially OB1. I was trigging since September big time so I've mostly stayed away. OC b-day is next month I can't wait to get to the month of February because I have no more major triggers.

My H and I had a huge fight and I reacted in a way that shocked me I let all the anger and rage that I must have sub-consciously held in. I've never used the word [censored] to refer to OC. Mainly for two reasons my oldest child was 1 when my H and I married, 2 my father had two children prior to marrying my mother and I love them both as if the were my whole brothers and sisters.

For the first time in 2 1/2 years I called the OC a [censored] and I felt horrible. I've always called her illegitimate but if that's the case so is my OS. I'm black and I know how we as black people can use the word [censored] but if a white person uses the word [censored] it's a total different ball game. Catnip I used the word illegitimate to belittle OC (I wanted to hurt exOW the same way she hurt me) and just because I wasn't calling her [censored] I felt justified. Heck I looked up the meaning of both words in the dictionary and I smugly thought hey they fit. But I'll play nice and not use the word [censored]. I really don't think my children are better than OC. When in pain you lash out and say whatever comes to your mind you want to inflict the same type of pain you are feeling on those that hurt you. Those of you who know my story know how I pushed H to have visitation and know the nightmare it created. So for us NC is better than contact. I think everyone has to look at their situation and decide what's best for them. I'm glad this thread was created it allowed me to see how so many of us have grown and it allowed me to see that even those who's recovery has went relatively smooth can still have triggers and bad days.

Unsure

Hmmm... Methinks, once a trigger, always a trigger!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BINthereDUNthat,
Group hugs to you also <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just wanted you to know dont you change a furry little hair on your head either, you have been such a comfort to me and I'm sure to many others. with love flowerseed

don't think your laughter will last too long as your kids haven't grown enough to start presenting problems as a result of the unhealthy relationship their mom has with another man. Oh of course it's for your D. What will happen to your other kids? The shame has to show up someday.

I beg to differ gem,
I made a mistake as your husband did and many others husbands did on here, no different, and some day those of you who have kept it a secret, it will come out on its own one day and life wont be much fun.
I have one child that is almost an adult, and all my children know that daddy and I were having problems and we were seperated two years so this isnt a secret, they also know who my youngest father is and they understand how babies are made, so we[my husband and my self sat down and had a talk with them all, of course we have had some adjustment and tears and counseling, But we have all been open and honest with the children and now do not have a secret that will come back and bite us all in the butt one day. I feel , my husband feels this was the best thing for them.We have been honest and open and they know they can talk to us about any thing, and as a parent .. isnt that what we all hope for.
DOnt you hope one day when your children learn that their father made a mistake , and has a child that is not yours, that they will love him enough and be open about it.

Look what happened to used long ago's wife, she kept it a secret all those years and look at the hurt and anger it has caused, and it has broke there family and their hearts. While I believe , last I heard they were trying to heal, it is no secret it has been so hard.

Thats all I am trying to prevent.
Thats all om is trying to prevent. He wants his children to know he made a mistake and yes he has a child, but that she is his child and he loves her and will care for her.


I dont do anything innappropriate and I keep my distance, Yes I have lunch. sometimes several of the kids come and it is always in a public place, and I wouldnt guess most people know or care. we just look like people having dinner. Yes his wife knows and on occasion she joins my husband and my self with om for lunch.
since they are older it probably looks like to most people, that they are the grandparents, but I dont think most people care or spend time thinking about it.
we see people we know, bump into them all the time, and om introduces her as his daughter, Most that know us already know this, we are not ashamed of her, we love her and feel that every one else should get past it as well. If the 4 people involved can get past it, I think others should as well. By the way lunch every week was not my idea, it was om, because he is so busy he doesnt have time to take daughter as much as he would like, and he doesnt want so much time to go by with out seeing her.

My kids see her as their sister, they spoil her wrotten, and when om or his wife come by all the children are polite and friendly and tell them about every thing they are doing this week,

It really isnt that strange we just work as a team thats all.
when daughter was in the hospital, om man came and sat with my husband every single day, his wife came so I could run home shower and come back up to the hospital, then she drove 50 miles back to work. and worked the rest of the evening.


what did my kids learn from my behavior!? They learned I am human and although I made a mistake and dad and I have had problems, we are working them out and we love each other and we do our best to treat every one involved with lots of respect, because I believe it is important for the children to learn that as well.

My children are doing well, but I thank you for your concern. I have pretty great kids who happen to be very outgoing, and make good grades and are honest and loving. I think with continued love patience and of course dicipline, they are going to be great little adults . Of course we know there are no guarentees in life and no matter who your parents are, bad things happen, but for now we are doing very well.

although we do have three teens in the house, so it does become noisy often and we always have a group of others children here all the time. But when you have 5 , whos gonna notice a few more.

have a nice day and thanks for sharing

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MALC:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is incredibly awesome that Mo5 can pull off what most of you/us can not. I think the fact that she has contact and for the most part, it works, has some of you in a twist.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Who say's she's really pulling this off? Do you have actual facts, or just another conjectures????

Not being smart just being honest.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Malc,

Actual Facts, I know M05 quite well.

Are you really feeling better about yourself operating in the defensive mode or are you digging yourself into a ditch?

CM

CM

Please try to understand that MALC is in crisis right now.

MO5 we don't keep oc a secret. Our S is 23 and married w a D of his own.

Heck, we live in a small community and everyone knows! OW put an announcement in our church bulletin naming her as mom and H as dad using our last name as if they were a married couple..... so it's no secret what happened.

The priest who allowed it is on indefinate leave, pending criminal charges from some women in our church and a church he was at before he came to ours..

I've been deposed and may, at a later date, be called as a credible witness to what that priest was doing during the first few months after d-day while H and I were counseling. He actually was counseling ow/H as to what to do about oc. It happened a few times and ow wrote to let me know what H was doing. Ow hoped I'd drop off the face of the earth. Ow's letter is proof priest was acting out of character and against teachings of the church in regards to marriage.

As for our S, he wants nothing to do w/ow's child that his father sired.

S had a severe bout of depression over all of this and was hospitalized. While I felt as if I'd go crazy from all the madness that happened to my marriage, I had to remain strong for our S.

Nothing will come back to bite us in the butt.

Should oc show up someday, H and I are prepared to tell him that H payed for him, and with the circumstances it was all that could happen. If he needs to know more, we have tapes, and gifts,(from ow to H) and letters, (from ow to each of us) and police reports(one each filed by my H and myself), showing oc what ow put us through.... when we tried to see him.... it just didn't work.

Having said that, we are now quite pleased that we don't see the oc. Simply what works for us. Our life has mostly quieted down with only occassional interference from ow. We have our home up for sale and with God's guidance we will be moving in the next year.

H says that even when we did see oc, he felt no attatchment for oc like he did for our S. Probably as ow once put it in a letter....."You never wanted him anyway" So she knew before birth H's feelings.

I guess every situation IS different. Yours, although not the norm, works for you. Mine works for me.

Ok...Ok...Catnip.

ENOUGH....

Debi