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Gem wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Angelia WE know of skid-stained underwear. We know of flatuance passed during the night.
We know of using GAIN detergent to get rid of B.O. stains.
We know of bad breath w/a kiss and crummy sex, just because H wants/needs it that night.

We also know of flowers sent just because...
Kisses given because they are so happy to :(see above descriptions)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You been hiding in my closet again????? FREAKY....

I even use GAIN (TM)..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

FREAKY....

But you are so right on target....if my H was so "totally in love" with the OW, why isn't he with her instead of me? I gave him the opportunity to run to her and told her on the phone that she can have him...but even she spat out at me on the phone when I said that, "looks like he made his choice...."

Without going TMI...my H and I were high school sweethearts...I know stuff about this man that he wouldn't DARE want anyone to know...(embarrassing moments that either I participated in or observed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I know things about Mr."T" that even his ex-fiance and ex-ow doesn't know....yet I wasn't able to foresee or prevent what he did to me. That breaks my heart more than anyone will ever know....

I'm changed from all this...and not necessarily for the worse...*sigh*

My Husband is a loving and doting father to the children that are of the home. When he's off, he plays with them, teases them and reads to them.
He's not the &$*#&#^%^ that alot of OW's call those MM's who don't participate in the OC's lives. Sadly, our ex-ow only sees a small fraction of the what the total man is.

Hang in there Angelia, it will get better...not to hijack your thread Matthew....

Hugs,
Twiisty

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Angelina,

You and I follow totally different spiritual paths and so maybe this won't ring for you. I hope that it does.

Gem said "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder"

My spiritual path teaches "what God has joined together no man can put assunder."

My path would tell you: fell your pain, grieve your loss and feel your sadness to it's fullest. Roll in the floor if you need to and just let it all hang out. And when you're ready, when you're really really done falling apart come back to the marital relationship and begin to rebuild.

It seems to me that some paths seems to be about feeling your pain in this really polite and only semi-expressive way. Don't piss anybody off or stir anything up. Trust your creator and mask your pain (to a certain degree). Be careful not to let anybody put that marriage assunder.

My path tells me that that bond cannot be put assunder.

I hope this helps.

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Katie: Thanks for your words. Oh dear, I have let it all hang out, I have cried, am still in the grieving process, I have yelled, screamed, called him all sorts of names, cried some more and then cried some more. I have never in my life cried so much. This is so incredibly painful.

I think that is my issue about trusting my creator. My head and what I know spiritually is not the same as what my heart tells me. I know that God can fix this but he isn't going to let my H off that easy.

I so desperately want God to just take this all away but He's not gonna do that. But why? Please tell me - anyone on this board - that you understand the reasons you suffer at the hands of someone else. Please tell me that you suffer for something better down the line - each and every one of the people here on this board have to deal with an ow and an oc for the REST of the their natural lives. That doesn't go away. So, what lesson is God teaching us? What do we learn that we can take away the lemons and make lemonade? And,could God have taught us those lessons another way?

just a blue day for me - there are many right now. No, I haven't given up my marriage but I am hanging on by thin threads.

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Hi Angelia,

Let me respond to your questions/comments.....

"Right now, I can't see God in this situation. Right now, I don't know what God is teaching me, what He wants me to do, how He wants this situation to turn out, why He let Satan into our marriage and what His ways are going to be.

Right now, I am a bit angry at God - I didn't deserve this and I keep wondering how I can be a witness to my unsaved H if I can't even get over this."

I saw God in this from the beginning. In our marriage, there was always a struggle because of our differences. We married young and our communication sucked big time. Well long story short, I emotionally removed myself from the marriage. I decided that if all he wanted from me was meals, I'd give him that and focus my life on other things. I gave the enemy the foothold in the situation because as a result of my holding back in my marriage, I became smitten with a young man I was in college with.

I think I began the divorce process from my h in my heart. I decided that to be w/ fantasy man would have been better. Well, through much prayer and reading and studying of God's words (and his grace) I eventually came to my senses and realized how wrong I was and saw the damage I was doing to myself and to my H.

But here's how I really saw God in our situation. When I found out about the oc and the affair I confided in my husband about the feelings I'd carried around for fantasy man. I confided that while I/we never acted on those feelings, they were there and strong for about 2 long, painful years.
I then told him that I understood how his affair could have happened because while I was dealing with longing for another man, God gave me the very vision that at that moment was becoming my reality. While I was pining away for fantasy man, one day I wondered, what would happen if me and fantasy man did get together? I mean, who would it hurt.
And sure enough, the first thing that came to mind was a resulting pregnancy. A child that my H and I have yet to produce in our marriage. Then I saw all of the faces of my loved ones. I imagined the dissappointment my family and his family would experience. I imagined my God children looking up to me and then wondering how I got the title, 'God mom'. Ulitmately, I worried over disappointing God.
I explained ALL of this to him and told him, this is how I can forgive you.....because the very same thing almost happened to me. It was only because I loved GOD, more than I loved myself and him at that point, that the situations were not reversed. His grace and mercy kept me from making the mistake. I didn't want to disappoint him. And God knows, I had some strong prayer warriors on my side.
Well his response to all of this was....
'I know you want to smack me...just do it...'
My response
'No, all I'll ever have to do in this situation is forgive you for what happened. Once I do that, I can be healed. You, you will have to deal with the guilt for a long time to come.'

Short answer to your first comment, your pain and his guilt are not equal. He will always wonder how he could have been so stupid. I will bet that they'll even be times that you love him, and he hates himself. That's God's love, that's how you witness to him.
I still worry about my H's guilt. I know he made the poor choice he did, and I know if we ask, God will forgive us, but the enemy has many crafty ways of accusing and keeping us in an endless cycle of low self-worth and faithlessness and hopelessness.

We have contact with lil mama, she's two. It's very difficult at times because we're still dealing baby mama drama brought on by the fallout of their soured 'relationship'. She wants him to be a part of her life and UNDERSTANDS that I too, am a part of her life, but she does not LIKE it. And she can't hide it. It manifests itself in her catty ways. It manifests itself in the way she would call my house and H cell phone as many times as it took for her to hear lil mama's voice.
Right now, it's manifesting itself through the big old discipline hot button. Another way for her to assert some type of control (or so she thinks) over the situation.
As far as you and your H having contact, you two need to focus on your M. Hire a lawyer if you can find one. He or she will give you the legal edge while the two of you focus on yourselves and your marrige. My H and I both decided we'd give contact a try. We knew going in ther'd be drama, resentment etc. But, we try to focus on this....'All we have to do is love lil' mama more than we dislike baby mama'. I know, I know...it's not quite the Christian way, but I have to let go and let God handle what I can't. For right now, prayer and acknowledging that I dislike her is as honest as I can get.

Find a good Christian counselor and GO. Even if your H does not. Get educated about how the two of you wound up at this point.

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Angelia,

Everything you're feeling right now is normal. I went through the same changes. I went from turning my back on my faith (on bad days)to wanting to turn my back on my H (those were the better days). Pretty crummy huh?

I'm curious, how did the two of you get here? Othere than the obvious (an affair) what type of affair was it? Long term, one nighter, emotional first, what caused it?

I can't tell you what God will reveal to you through your pain and suffering, I can tell you what's happened in my life as a result though;
** We've adopted a baby boy. He's close to two now.
** My H and I attend church regularly. He reads his 'One Year Bible' daily and counsels me sometimes on how to deal with things. This is a far cry from the drunken, cursing, spoiled brat I married 13 years ago.
** God is still good. We still have our home in spite of an outragous cs 'award'. We still have our jobs (she's been layed off I think).
** We talk about the bible together. We talk about the people in the bible.
** Together, we discount baby mama antics as juvenielle and wicked.
** He serves on a ministry at church.
** One of his buddies regularly goes to church with us now.
** His brother got saved (when we had our son dedicated, he came from out of town and answered the call).
** And to think, all of this and THE BEST IS STILL YET TO COME.

Angelia, simply put, don't let the enemy's sneak peak into your future derail what God has in store for you. Just let him unfold it. Focus on your healing. Focus on meeting your H needs. Let him focus on meeting your needs.
I'm keeping you in my prayers dear. I know where you've been. Let my (and that of others)testimony strengthen you.
Keep posting here often to get the muckety muck off your chest!!
luv,
MM

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Angelina,

I have love believed that suffering can be a gateway if you would have it be.

Sounds to me like you're not done grieving yet. Maybe you'd do well to let yourself have your feelings (even if they're not politically correct) and give yourself some more time to figure out the why's of it all.

I know a little something about suffering although I don't wear it as a badge. So that you understand a bit of my history (previously unknown to this board):

[edited for my own privacy]

Now to meet me on the street (or even in a 12 step meeting) you'd never know all of that.

Maybe you'll heal and get through all of this just to be able to tell people that it's possible. To offer hope to those who go through this and much worse.

6 years ago I had 1 glass of wine and it sparked a major psychotic episode. I landed in a psych hospital in Queens in the middle of the night. I remember laying there looking up at the ceiling thinking WTF! What is to be learned from THIS!

The answer - HOPE

I'm only 32. Sometimes I feel like i've lived in the 12th chamber of hell. And in some ways I have. But today I live a full, happy and prosperous life.

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

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Matthew: Well, thanks so much for your words too!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but the enemy has many crafty ways of accusing and keeping us in an endless cycle of low self-worth and faithlessness and hopelessness.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe that's where I am. Maybe Satan has creeped into my marriage and my heart and I'm letting him do that. Maybe I feel so worthless that I wonder how my H could love me and how he chose me more than ow and oc.

We do have an attorney who is handling all the legal stuff. There's the paternity suit, the issues all surrounding that and there are many - you can certainly read other threads that will tell you that whole sordid mess.

The counselor I am going to is a Christian but I don't think she knows what to do with me. I think I have read more and am pretty atuned to what I am feeling. Truthfully, I"d like to go to my church's pastor for counseling but am frankly way too embarassed.

H has some issues about baby's mama. He is afraid she will be vindictive due to race issues and not having anything to do with child. He is worried about me. God, I laugh about that - a little late now to be worried about your loving wife at home now...huh? My H is not a deadbeat dad - he is a great father - he just didn't want this one. And I don't know how I feel about that. I wonder if some day he'll wake up and decide he wants contact and how will all that go. He says that he doesn't think about oc and has never felt a bond there and doesn't want anything to do with it.

Do you ever wish you didn't have contact? or was that a must in your marriage? Did you push for it or did H? Just wondering. I feel so strange knowing there's this kid out there with no father (if it's his).

As I said in the beginnings of my post - I didn't grow up with such great father figures so I have learned myself to do without that figure and to let God be my figure...but is that fair of me to let this kid be without?

So, working on my marriage is not so easy right now. We're doing all the questionnaires, and talking a lot. But my mind is constantly on this affair and the possible oc. H doesn't want to talk too much about oc because he's already made up his mind about oc. He thinks it's pointless to talk about something that we don't even know the outcome of yet. I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk.

And, Matthew, how do you love a child that signifies everything evil and sinful that your H did? Not flaming just curious.

Please respond. I would love to hear your thoughts.

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Matthew:
I laughed...how did we get here?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We had been married about 6 years....we had been fighting over money, over stupid stuff, over his ex-girlfriend and their child (who was living with us and causing quite a problem) but anyway, he met her, she was going through issues in her house too, she offered and he bit! He says he never intended to leave us just wanted an outlet. They went on a few dates - movies, lunch, and mostly it was just sex. Lasted about 3 months and then she got pg. He had already decided to stop seeing her when she got pg. So, then they move into pg mode and all those issues. He was around a little bit but didn't do fatherly things. Never bought baby anything - didn't go to doc appointments, etc..... Baby is born and she apparently wanted cs from him or threatened to let me know. Anyway, he gives her money but still doesn't go there to be daddy, etc. Somewhere around when baby is 9 months old he decides to stop giving her $. I think it's because he wanted this whole lie to stop because he could have just kept paying her and none of this would have been brought to life. Anyway, 10 months after he stops paying her paternity suit arrives and a month after that I get it in the daily mail. Thanks us postal service! Anway, that's our story. OC is about 21 months old.

He apparently had sex with her a couple of times after baby was born when he was dropping off $.

He has taken complete responsibility and accountability for this. He says he made bad choices - made huge mistakes - never wanted us to break up and went to great lengths to keep the secret from me. He thought I'd bail in a heartbeat because I'd said that.

I always knew something was wrong because for months on end he'd be this great H at home - all was okay and then it was like he'd fall off the wagon so to speak and he'd be off the wagon for a week or so and then back to normal hubby. Those were the times he had seen her.

I believe him beyond a shadow of a doubt that he doesn't want her. See, we have no kids together - only the normal debts that a marriage bring. So, he could have easily bailed to be with her. But, he doesn't want her - and I don't think he really wanted to be with her in the beginning - just a quick piece of @$$. He never slept at her house - never bought her anything -never bought baby anything - would go there, have sex, clean up and leave. UGH!!!!

That's our story.

I pray daily for his salvation - not only for us but because I have spent years with this man and would like to see him in heaven!

Yes, Matthew, the enemy is right in there trying to steal my joy, my peace and my marriage. I know he comes to steal, kill and destroy.

Funny.....I'd like to go to church on Sundays but right now don't trust H that he wouldn't do something stupid while I'm at church! haha!!!!! that's crazy I know but it's there.

Yes, please pray for me - pray for us.

Angelia

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Angelia,
I'll start from the bottom of your post and work up.

I'm able to love her because she's an individual. I can separate what her parents did from who she is and who God will call her to be.
Think about it, do we really know how we got here? I mean, how much of our parent's dirt are we aware of? My mom and dad weren't married when I was conceived. He was married (I think he was divorced) but they didn't marry until I was seven, so who know what drama went on there. So for all practical purposes, I could have been conceived in much the same way as lil mama. The point being, it has absolutely nothing to do with God's purpose in my life. And as parents, that's what we're supposed to be about, loving and protecting and being a steward and an example over the children he places in our lives, not just our own, but all children.
The stuff (mess) that got her here if for her parents to deal with. Not me (at least not directly), and not her.

You wanting to talk and H wanting to move on...that's classic. Not sure what to tell you there. My H new we would have to talk about it because he didn't want to walk away. He's still working on bonding with his D, but it's difficult. So, we talk.

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Matthew: Don't leave me hanging! You only answered the one question....ha!!!!

Was your husband saved and attending church at the time all this happened for you?

did he give his life to God because of your actions and your love of him and oc? Just wondering....

I feel like I need to be a witness to him but just don't have it in me. Or maybe I do have it in me and the devil is stealing it....

Anyway, I'm anxiously waiting your reply!

Love, A

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Sorry A,

My H was saved at the time, but had backslidden. One of his old 'friends' from the neighborhood moved to town and brought with them the old ways he had just about given up. You know...drinking, smoking probably more than cigarrettes, hanging out every weekend at the club or at other peoples homes. I had given that lifesyle up for school and also because I was ready to answer the spiritual call in my life.

He straddled for too long and gambled one last time. I think in his heart he wanted to be saved and change his family's history for the better, but the stronghold was still there. He wanted the comfortability and acceptance that comes from the familiar more than he wanted God's love and peace.

It took him getting involved with a Hellcat to know just what he almost gave up. Not just in me, but in God. Had he maintained the relationship w/ xow, who knows where he'd have wound up? This comes from HIS mouth, not mines.

He says it was me and my actions that convinced him that God's love is real, but I like to think it was effective and fervant prayers of the righteous that produced the results. I had an awesome prayer partner that lived right around the corner from me and every morning, we'd walk and pray. She's an ordained minisiter, and all this time she lived right down the block from me and we've become the best of friends. So hang on, God is sending you your back up girl!! We do have to encourage and help each other through the tough times.

As you will see from previous posts, it was those prayers and Christian friends that helped me through this. When I wanted to cry, scream and vent, they lent an ear because they understood that my H did not need to hear those things coming from me at the time (at least not that way). He needed my love, my calmness, my ability to provide peace in the middle of the valley.

I'd like to take credit, but I can't. Yes, you do need to be a witness, but lean on those that you can trust..those that are wise...and those that want to see the two of you make it. Like I said before, come here and vent often. Some people will take offense to what you may say, but they'll have to get over it. If you have venom, spew it here...apologize later. Show your H the calm, Christ-centered woman that you are. I'm not saying putting on a happy face and shut up, but keep the histrionics to a minimum if you can.

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Just something someone sent me this morning:One evening, an old Cherokee told her grandson about a battle that was going on inside herself. She said, "My son, the battle
is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil: Anger, Envy, Sorrow, Regret, Greed, Arrogance, Self Pity, Guilt, Resentment, Inferiority, Lies, False Pride, Superiority, and Ego.
The other wolf is good: Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Equality, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion
and Faith..."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandmother, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee replied simply, "The one I feed."

Something to chew on today.

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Angelia,
If you want, I'll email you and we can chat more. Give me your add. and we can chat a while today.

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It's Let me know when you get this and I"ll delete it. Thanks!!!!

<small>[ January 15, 2003, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: angelia ]</small>

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received....i'm heading out to lunch and when I get back I've GOT to get some work done.
I'll email you later today.

peace,
MM

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Matthew I love the good wolf/bad wolf story....I have BOTH attributes.....must work a lot longer...eh?

I have enjoyed reading your story, again. You tell it so well.

Hope you can help angelia sort out some issues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Twiisty, you are too funny! Yes, actually I do live in your closet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !

Gain is the best odor remover isn't it?

I was just telling angelia that the A was like always being "on", not relaxed, just the keeping it a secret is maddening..... After discovery and a little time, H is so happy to have a "normal" (whatever THAT is) life.

It takes tons of talking, arguing, and love to put it in the past.
But Twiisty, we're old scholars at that, aren't we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Katie Scarlett, your points were interesting to read too. Thanks for sharing.

Matthew thanks for the post.....

love
Debi

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Debi: My issues....Girl, I have LOTS of them!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, Yes, you hit it on the head....he is so relieved, so relaxed, so happy and I wonder...who is this guy that has invaded my H's body? but I guess he's free of all the burden of the secrecy, lies, cover-ups and whatever else.

I do not understand still that compartmentalization thing - I talked about it with the counselor and she says that's probably why he stopped paying her....he was having a hard time keeping it compartmentalized for so long and was just breaking him.

Debi and Twiisty....ya'll actually scare me sometimes - ya'll have been dealing with this stuff for two + years and it's still there. although you have survived and moved on (if there is such a thing) you still deal with it. No swiffering (Swiffer is a registered trademark of ????) that thing away! ya know! I hope that came out right but I think ya know what I mean. ..There's always triggers, there's always the ow and oc and there's always cs.

I just have some spiritual issues right now - I feel abandoned, lonely, betrayed and hurt.

I don't remember asking God for patience and yet i'm learning it...I'm learning the tick tock of the heavenly time clock that will fast forward me from today to a few years from now. But, God doesn't just do that...he's gonna make me work through this and my point to Him exactly is WHY me? Why am i working through something I didn't create...

The devil is telling me....Run for the hills, girlfriend!!!! it's easier over here - not as much pain, no betrayal, etc....I don't want to go there or I wouldn't be posting...It would be easy to just let my life slip into the enemies hands but I don't want that.....

How long exactly does this grieving stuff last....UGh -

Talk to ya'll soon!!!

Angelia

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by angelia:
[QB]BinTheredunThat and Matthew:

ya know...I read your postings and pondered. I am a saved woman, bought by the blood of the lamb, baptized in the Holy Spirit and right now my faith isn't even as much as a mustard seed. Right now, I can't see God in this situation. Right now, I don't know what God is teaching me, what He wants me to do, how He wants this situation to turn out, why He let Satan into our marriage and what His ways are going to be.

Right now, I am a bit angry at God - I didn't deserve this and I keep wondering how I can be a witness to my unsaved H if I can't even get over this.

Forgiveness.....I was listening to Creflo Dollar (he's a wonderful pastor) the other day on a tape I had and the message was forgiveness and how we are commanded to do it because God does it for us. Well, I have to tell you I felt so inadequate because I'm not there yet. I have made the choice to forgive my H but am I complete with the process yet?...NO is the truth. Am I in any way able to yet forgive the OW - because I believe that ultimately I should do that too. Yes, I believe she is to blame as well but in order for me to have peace at some point - I must get my hatred and despise out of my system for her too.

She is also one of God's children (I don't mean that she is saved but I mean that Jesus died on the cross for her too) and ya know....if she asks for forgiveness God will give it to her too. I am not exclusive in my relationship with God - he loves us all. And that almost makes me angry - that God would not pick my side and choose me because I didn't cheat...ya know? I'm rambling but that's my thoughts right now....

I take my bag of crap before God, not daily, but often. I feel like He already knows my pain, He already knows what betrayal feels like and He knows that if anyone is forgive that He is gonna have to help me.

My counselor asked me yesterday how I felt about being a Christian and not having contact with oc (again, if it turns out to be his). I really don't know how I feel about that. I feel crappy because God doesn't turn his back on us - but ya know....in my life, God is my father.

I was listening to TD Jakes and he was talking about the importance of fathers and daughters that we often look for the man we marry to be like our father - and also we understand God's love and all better when we had a good father. Well, I didn't have a good father - mine sexually abused me so I have a hard time understanding God as 'daddy' that will take me in his arms and love me and protect me and will help me through anything. Those are my own insecurities but this situation doesn't help. So, if we don't have contact then I suppose I'm giving this child up to God to be it's father too....Is that wrong? I don't know.

I know that my H doesn't want contact - didn't want the oc - really just wanted a piece of @$$ and then got caught. Well, that is his burden to deal with and I do feel like at some point he will have to answer to God for that. But what is my role in that? Should I insist when I know that I really don't want the oc. I don't want the pain and misery. I can't help his guilt and/or her guilt, (if there is any).

Lately I've been thinking that God isn't big enough to deal with this - I guess I think that because He didn't step in and stop it. He didn't make her miscarry - He didn't hit my h with a 2x4 before he had sex with her to make him stop - He didn't send angels to turn his car around before all this happened. Yes, I know that He gives us each our own free will and that will never change. And yes, I know that Satan is powerful and that apple looks pretty darned good on the tree but it is filled with poison.

I really don't know what I'm saying or feeling lately. My H really wants us to focus on our recovery, our healing and I agree. I spend time in prayer and I pray for him and for us.

I read that one of you Christian ladies (Matthew?) has contact with oc....how old is it and did you insist or did your H? Do you ever wonder how it would be with no contact? And for the BinThere....do you have contact? I ask because I'm hung up on this. I'm a Christian and 'supposed' to love my neighbor, supposed to forgive (have started and am working through that) but I don't have those feelings and wonder if there's something wrong with my spirit....

Just would like your thoughts?

Angelia,

I am having a hard time with this also. My h does not want to have contact with oc child. He has to pay cs and it is killing us financial. It has been about a month since I found out about this situation.

I am a Christian, and feel so bad because I have so much anger and hatred at this time. I also wonder where is God. Why did this have to happen? Why did she get rid of the child? Why didn't God stop him before he did this? My life is so different now.

I try not to think of the ow/oc but it is there. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life, all from a one night stand.

I do believe that the ow knew what she was doing. She did not even tell him until she was 5 months. I know that she wanted to break the marriage up. I am still within, but I don't know what I am going to do.

I just keep praying and asking God to help me, before I lose my mind.

Hope to hear from you. Keep trusting in God.

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angelia,
I am only 2 years into this. I think when our home is sold and we are away from the immediate situation things will get better....trigger wise.

From my heart I will tell you I am lightyears away from the faith some women here have shown.

I could not/would not be married if we had any dealings w/oc.
Oc almost destroyed me and my son....after and before birth.

Ow caused so many ill feelings that I would not be able to handle oc.

That being said...if H wanted oc he also has free will...he can see oc...I just can't now. Too many things have happened and I'm all too human to let it interfere w/my original life. If ow thinks it's because of me, so be it. Actually H said his desire to be part of oc's life would never work, even if I were no longer in picture. H said he was clouded when thinking it could be and he had already placed too much hardship on me.

I have to tell you...I would not for one minute have oc here now. It would be like ow would forever be a part of this marriage...by the very reason of oc...even if ow weren't around....oc is proof of H's infidelity...so for me I could never do it.

As far as obsessive thoughts on aborted oc.....I have said before, I'd have an abortion rather than deal with all the pain an oc produces...I think!

I feel, although I love and trust Jesus...A human is not such until a living breathing out-of-the-womb-living person.

God says he knew us before we were born....well HE must have known we'd BE born...right?

Just my opinion.

IDMHVM, get on w/dealing of betrayal...counsel for that...forget a c that isn't here....just work on marriage.....if you can. You had NOTHING to do w/ow choices. Your H was so confused. Most men/women here didn't want oc. If oc were to be born, then God has a plan for oc life that may not include you. He HAS a plan for you and H and it is happening now.

angelia, Satan may not be telling you to run for the hills. It may be you and your inner heart. If you love your H, then stick around for a while. You can only lose a few years...you already lost a few due to secrecy...a few more may well be in your best interest.

As far as Twiisty and I go, I can speak for only me... although I love my H I will never feel the same about him... although we go on vacations and have fun I will feel the "shadow"...I don't know if it will ever leave... I will be somewhat satisfied as opposed to being in the old world of totally satisfied forever.

I can't change the past but live with the aftermath of which many were eternally changed.

Our S, DIL, MIL, FIL, My Mom and Dad, sisters,brothers, OW her H, her c's, oc, her siblings and so on....We will never be the same. You just deal and go on...or not....Another thing is that S and W are deathly afraid of our Granddaughter ever finding out or meeting oc...we are all planning to move a distance away. They are a year apart.

love you angelia and pray for the best. Trust in God is the best way.. He will pick you up and carry you through it all.

love
Debi

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hi lady's,,,, sorry to stick my nose in here. i have been following along hit and miss on this thread and just wanted to say that i have to agree with gem when she said although she loves her h it will never be the same again. this is exactly the way i feel for my w. i love her and would never want to hurt her but i will never allow my heart to become vulnerable to her again. at least that is how i feel right now almost 2 full years since she fell off the world. and just to set the record straight fh is very remorseful for her actions and longs for that "look in my eye" as she puts it that i once had for her.

when people say that it will take 2 years i believe that is just the time period to move yourself past the major hurt of a spouses a. when fh's a came out a very good friend of mine confided in me that his wife had had an a 10 years prior to fh's a. he told me that he had just forgiven her about 6 - 9 months prior to our conversation and although he loved his w there were still triggers and he will always have that shadow following him around.

once again sorry for jumping into your thread, pops

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