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I'm gonna start with a disclaimer, and then get on with it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> In the following, I am merely pointing out what I see, and have been thinking on lately. I am not pointing fingers or accusing ANYONE, so please take it as something to think about.

Ok, that out of the way, I have been re-reading some of the books we bought 3 years ago. It always helps to read it again. The thing that struck me was in Willard Harley, Jr.'s book, "Love Busters". I just started it yesterday, and have only gotten through a few chapters, but the section on anger really made me pause! Now, in the book, he is talking about how to keep from love busting to save your romantic love. I know that we don't feel "romantic love" for the others on this board, but it can also be applied to these types of relationships. This is the statement that I can't get past:

"Anger's solution to a problem is to punish the troublemaker. This emotion overrides intelligence, which knows that punishment usually doesn't solve problems; it only makes the people you punish angry, which causes them to inflict punishment on you."

Now, w/out quoting the whole book, he offers 5 steps to work this out. I'm going to list the steps, but to see how they really work, you should probably get the book(either from the library or buy it)

#1 Identify instances of angry outbursts and their effects.

#2 Understand why angry outbursts take place.

#3 Try to avoid the conditions that tend to trigger angry outbursts.*

#4 When yiou cannot avoid conditions that trugger angry outbursts, find an individual or support group to hold you accountable.*

#5 Measure your progress

Now, even w/out examples and descriptions from the book, it's pretty straight forward. What I'm getting at is recently we've had some VERY angry posts here that always tear this board apart! We have seen MANY old posters, who used to contribute wonderful advice and input, leave because of the attacks and counter attacks! I put an * at the end of #4 & 5 because this is the hardest for this board. Yes, it's easier to recover when away from all the tension, and if that's what you need to do, do what's best for your M! But, if you can handle the attacks, and just ignore those posts, then maybe we can get this board back to what it's intention is, rebuilding marriages!

It's been great seeing all the updates, and I'd love to see some more! Posters such as Mary Janes, Happy_girl, Heavenlybody, and any other's I can't think of off the top of my head!

I know it's been said many times, but if we just ignore those that aren't here to help, but are here to start arguments, then we can have the board back the way it was 3 years ago when I first arrived! I guess I'm saying that if you do reply to those inciting posts, think about what you are going to say first. Yes, it's fun and sometimes good to argue a point, but not necessarily with such anger. I also understand protecting of the posters who may have tweaked someone's nose is necessary, but it can be done in many ways as well.

Just look at what happened to CDCollins' thread when we were "protecting" her. They were locked, and nothing was done by us to support her and what she was going through. We got caught up in the "fight" and forgot the real victim in the original posts!

Let's try to live by the MB principles, not only in our M's but also on this board. If we feel that something is offensive or "against the rules" in a post, just report it, and let the moderators know. They all have their own M's to be building and their own jobs as well, and can't be here 24/7. As long as you give your reasons, they will look into the problem. Just keep the support going for those, especially the newbies, in pain, and discussion of the principles helps as well. SO many of us have lived the nightmare, and from our experiences could help so many here!

I, personally, vow to encourage newbies to look at the principles, answer their questions openly and honestly, share how this site has truly helped me and my H in our M, and treat all who deserve it with the respect they have earned! Everyone's situations are unique unto themselves, as no two people are alike! What works for me, may not work for the new poster, but he/she may learn something from what I've been through and that's what this board is for.

Again, I'm not accusing or pointing fingers. Just want to see this board get back to the wonderful support is has been in the past!

I'm done with my lecture, but hope that we can think about posts before we reply in anger.

JMVHO

Love and God Bless,

Tigger4jdt

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

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PS This board is also not a place where we need to justify our decissions in how we rebuild our M's after the disaster of an A that resulted in an OC. Please don't feel that you need to justify or defend those decissions. They are private between you and your spouse. If you want to share of your own accord, great, but PLEASE, let's all respect other's choices in these matters.

Just something that came to me after I posted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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In Gary Smalley's book, "Making Love Last Forever" he says that "unresolved anger is the number one enemy of love."

Here's a quote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">by Gary Smalley
<strong>
There's a major destroyer of love on the loose; I've found it to be the leading cause of divorce and the single greatest thief of one's love for life. It may already be at work in your life and marriage.

This destroyer is forgotten, unresolved anger--not just the kind that gnaws at one's stomach night after night but also the type that quietly disappears. At least I used to think it disappeared. But when we bury anger inside us . . . it's always buried alive! Then, when we aren't even aware of its presence, it does its damage, destroying like rust on a car, like moths in a dark closet...

Anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It arises out of fear, frustration hurt, or some combination of these three. For example, if someone says something harsh to us we first feel hurt and then anger. When we strip the word anger down to its deepest level, we see a thread that runs through this entire book--unfulfilled expectations. Frustration is not receiving what we had expected from other people or from circumstances.

Hurt is when we don't hear the words or receive the actions we expected from other people or from circumstances. And fear is either dreading that what we expect will not come as we wish it to or expecting that something bad is going to happen.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for provoking thoughts on avoiding anger, in our marriages AND here on the board(s)!

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Tigger

Thanks for a thought provoking post. We all long for the early days when our focus was marriage recovery and helping newcomers through the tough months after discovery. I think we are all ready to turn this around and re-focus our energies.

Catnip =^^=

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I don't mean to "hi-jack" this post, but I didn't want to start a new one. Your post is "Somehting that's made me think>>" everything you posted is true.
Having read the posts about lurkers or trolls both here and on the "infamous"other board, "something that's made me think..."
is I don't mind the lurking between the boards, but there are somethings that have bothered me.

1. They seem to feel justified when they read something here and then reprint it on their board and vilify the original poster as well as those whoe might agree with her/him.

2. They often post here under false pretenses, correct me if I am wrong, how many of us have posted there under different names. I personally have never posted there, I lurk to learn. Have learned a lot, but not all of it is good.

3.We hardly ever "attack" a poster on this board. Our purpose has always been one of positive support. We have "attacked" our OW/OM here, but I always thought that we more a letting off of negative feelings that needed to be released
so they would not impact on the "new" relationshipe being made in marriage.

4. On the occasions when we have "attacked" a poster it usually was after a poster "attacked" another person on the board.

5. Having re-read some of the posts there I feel that there is a double standard there. they feel free to lurk here and sometimes post both good and bad then they go back to their board and make fun of us here.

6. So I guess what I was thinking is, I personally don't mind if they want to lurk and occasionally post but please remember courtesy.
I feel that when you deal with me what you see is what you get. I will not betray a trust and I expect the same from my associates.
Please don't come here, post like your reaching out to us, then go back and laugh at us behind our backs. When you do that you re enforce current negative feelings about OW.
7. It also brings to the fore a question that
as much as the OW protests their rights they don't have any considerations for the BS's rights.
They never did, and that is why they and we find ourselves in our current situations.

I apoligise for taking your wonderful post off subject, but I knew it would be read here and hopefully not create a furor.

If someone with better with computer skills than I decides to move it within this site feel free.
Won't be surprised to find it somewhere else. If I do then I have proven my point right?

Texasgirl

We are honest because honesty is what all of our relatioinships should be based on. When you don't post and declare yourself as an OW, you are lying. Major love buster.

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>


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