Up to now, nobody knew about this except my H and me (and therapist). I did tell a very good friend of mine who lives out of state and who I trust to keep it to herself. She has been a great support and it feels good to have someone else to talk to. Her opinion is that we will not be able to keep this from our kids. I know that if we have a relationship with OC, we will have to tell everyone. But if we decide on NC, why would everyone/anyone have to know? Has anyone been able to keep this from their kids/family/friends? What about when OC gets older? I know there is always the risk of OC showing up on the doorstep, and OW has said she will tell OC the truth about who her father is. Has that happened to anyone, and how did you deal with it. We are trying to concentrate on our marriage right now, so we have put that subject on hold until our marriage is stronger.

This is something you two need to talk about when your marriage is ready.

I told my kids about OC H had. I also try to get all the kids together on occasion. When we go out places my oldest mentions her younger brother. Problem is my H has no visitation rights, never showed up at court.

I really don't know what to say, but you do run the risk of having OC showing up on your doorsteps wondering why your H never bothered with him. If you can handle having OC in your home and seeing your H interact with OC, I'd say go for it. Don't let the XOW get her way. It's about the child not revenge.

We elected only to tell our son and his wife. Our son doesn't want nothing to do with oc I guess alot of anger right know. We haven't told anyone else, we will though when we are forced to I guess.

One thing that has to be remembered, the OC is the innocent party is all of this. No reason for the OC to suffer because the parents screwed up.

Yes, the OC is innocent in this situation, but so are the children of MM and his wife. They may not welcome a change in their family or status or invite the OW to enter the family constellation.Because one of their parents screwed up and made a child outside of marriage, should they not get equal respect as to not being hurt by this situation? I think so. Unfortunately, the wishes of OW to incorporate OC into MM's family may hurt that family even more. Because of this, all the children probably will be hurt and damaged, and that includes the OC.

fortheboys,
it's possible that you can keep it secret. Whether the OC ever comes forward on his/her own when older when there's been no-contact seems to be @50-50. (I have an uncle w/2different OC--one came forward later, one didn't). Even if it comes to that, the children of the marriage might not find out. Be prepared for any possibility.

What is healthiest for your family could be discussed w/a counselor, because every situation is different.

J
in recovery 5y

Jenny - What happened when your uncle's OC came forward? How did everyone respond? Also, if I can ask, what have you done in your situation?

fortheboys,
If you go for contact, everyone will need to know. If you stand with your H and present it as a united front friends and family will usually abide by your decision.

Your children may very well have a different reaction. It will be up to you and H on how to tell them.

If you go for N/C then there is no need to tell anyone. It is between you and your H.

Everyone here feared at first oc visiting at age 18. We have since changed our mind. If it happens, we will not spend the next 18 years of our life worrying about it. Think about it.

You must first decide between the both of you. Do not do something that makes you miserable. You also cannot make your H do something he doesn't want to do.

It is through policy of joint agreement that anything should happen or not. Also honesty.

Best wishes. You are still so new to this nightmare. Your spouse should be willing to help you in any way he can to repair this mess. It takes time.

It is a delicate situation indeed.

Talk without LB's. It's hard, but will work if you both respect each other.

love
Debi

Thanks for the advise. We do try very hard to make all decisions with the policy of joint agreement. We have read all of the Harley's books. We also are getting better at keeping LB's out - takes a lot of work. Our conversations are much more productive than they use to be - more open and honest and respectful. That is not the problem. The problem is that we can't figure out what we want or what will we best for our family concerning OC. When we talk about it we get so frustrated because both decisions (NC and Concact) have so many consequences that we are not sure we can deal with. My H is not sure he can deal with the guilt of NC, and then there is always the possibility of child appearing on your doorstep. It seems like a time bomb. But contact means telling our kids, family, etc, and we are both not sure we can deal with that or with continued contact with OW. Plus OW lives across the country, so how much visitation would we really get and how good would that be for OC? Woulldn't it be better for OW to be able to get on with her own life too? It has been 7 months, and I thought we would have some answers by now, but we are still so confused about what to do.

GEMINI -does your family know about oc?

Mr."T" has chosen No Contact before I even knew OC existed. OC was 18 months old when I found out about her and she and "mini-me" will be 4 soon.

With that said, I discussed every possible aspect of contact and no contact with my Husband and we agreed that if NC is the way he wanted to go, we will be telling the children when they are old enough to handle it. That is barring if the OC shows up when older etc.

We planned on how we would handle the situation with ex-ow and oc in the future should oc show up. We plan to be open, honest and tell her our side of the situation. I plan to give OC the journal I wrote in for her and the quilt that I will have made her plus her own chiristmas stocking that I will have had cross stitched by then. (of course, I'm the queen of UFO's--unfinished projects of the crafty nature!).

We plan to tell our children of the home in the presence of a counselor and most likely will be Dinobon's Psychologist as we foresee a lifetime of having him be her therapist (Lord willing) and we plan to answer all questions openly and honestly and explain why we felt we had chosen the path that we had.

Mr."T"'s family knows about it because I called them and told them. I wasn't going to have any secrets in my family. Whether people agreed with our choice or not, they still knew and had ample opportunity to discuss and voice their opinions to me and Mr."T"...but ultimately, I referred all to Mr."T" as he was the one that is dealing with the consequences of his actions.

There are even a select few in our church that know.

For us, it was easier dealing with letting those who need to know, know and the rest, dealing with it when the time approaches. Ex-ow made a threat to me on the phone on D-day that she will make sure that my children know they have a sibling. I told her that she needn't worry...they will know and be prepared to deal with it when the time comes and when they are emotionally ready to handle that news. She didn't say much after that.

Truth be told, I don't believe in secrets, but this is what works for my marriage and my family and my situation. There are some who don't let anyone know. If that works for them, so be it...it's not for me to judge.

What you need to do is decide what will work for you, your marriage and your family. Take all things into consideration and figure out that you will deal with things on an "as they come" situation...otherwise you can really worry yourself for fear of the future and you cannot focus on the living in the "Here and now".

I'm confident that you'll find what works for you.

Twiisty

Thanks for the reply Twisty. Your path seems to be the one we are leaning towards right now. Even though we haven't made any decisions about anything, when we talk about it we seem to end up with the best solution being no contact for now and not telling our children until they are older. You are financially responsible - does that mean court ordered child support? We are not there yet, but are heading in that direction also and I am very scared we will be ruined financially. Any advice? We already pay $600 month by verbal agreement and I know it will be more. Also, is your H comfortable with NC? Any guilt? If so, how does he handle it? What will you tell your kids? How has your family handled this? I really do appreciate all the help and the support. I hope I haven't asked too many questions.

Fortheboys:

I will answer your questions one by one and my answers will be bolded for ya! (You can never ask too many questions!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You are financially responsible - does that mean court ordered child support?
Yes, we pay child support. On D-day, I told ex-ow that she would be getting child support and health benefits, as that is the right thing to do...BUT PENDING DNA...I wanted to make sure that OC was really Mr."T"'s before we paid a dime. I know how important it was to receive CS as my ex-husband, Wild Bill, jerks us around with CS and we are currently in a battle with him in court...LONG STORY!
As for it being court-ordered, we wanted everything done legally. We filed a paternity suit first to ascertain whether OC was Mr."T"'s and then we went by the State guidelines/formula. We were ordered to pay $600 a month, plus 66% medical, but ex-ow graciously agreed to a settlement and we agreed to pay her directly so that the courts weren't involved anymore. We agreed to $400 a month plus 66% medical. So far things are evening out now, but we were hit hard the second year financially. We are slowly recovering....
We are not there yet, but are heading in that direction also and I am very scared we will be ruined financially. Any advice? We already pay $600 month by verbal agreement and I know it will be more.
I would advise getting an attorney, if you haven't already gotten one, and work with the ex-ow on what is agreeable to you both. You don't have to be ordered by the court to pay if you take the bull by the horns and file first and/or work with ex-ow. I wish we just worked for it out of court, but the state stepped in because Ex-ow was receiving state assistance...otherwise we would have had it settled quicker. We also filed in a higher court as opposed to juvinile court...again, another long story!....I am not sure of your situation and will read up on you to make sure I'm stating correct things! (Don't want to assume, y'know?)

Also, is your H comfortable with NC? Any guilt? If so, how does he handle it?
Yep, Mr."T" is comfortable with NC. He wanted to give the child up for adoption as he knew from the beginning that he couldn't be the dad that ex-ow wanted for her child. I wouldn't say there isn't any guilt, but he is matter of fact about it. He feels he essentially adopted the OC out to ex-ow when he signed away custody and granted her sole care and custody (not to be confused with giving up rights, we still pay CS unless/or until her Step-father chooses to adopt her.)
The courts don't view non-visitation as abandonment because as long as child support is paid, that's considered "contact". We feel abandonment is when a child knows you as a parent, and you've had some kind of relationship and then leave and cut the child out of your life after years of contact...that's abandonment. Due to the ex-ow's behavior at that time in life, we had to choose what would be best for our children and essentially OC as we didn't want the child torn in the middle of bickering. Ex-ow drove by her actions, Mr."T" into choosing the route that he did. Whether he changes his mind in the future or not is up to him. I don't push. I didn't make the decision. He did. I cannot keep him from his child anymore than I could have kept him from doing the deed with ex-ow in the first place!
He handles himself well and keeps himself in check with counseling, individually and with me in marriage counseling. He feels he made the best decision he could considering that he knows he screwed up and that no matter what he does he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. I encourage him to talk about whatever he feels. I don't feel threatened as ex-ow has calmed down, married and moved on with her life. I was more upset when she was disrupting our lives....(another long situation!)
What will you tell your kids?
We will tell our kids the truth, from both our point of views. We will tell them that people make mistakes, not that the child was a mistake, but that we had some difficult choices to make and we chose what we felt is best for the time. we will also be prepared if the children want to know their half-sibling and will cross that bridge when we get to it. It might include the kids writing her a letter or whatever, pending whether she has already shown up at our door or not. I am also prepared for her to blame me...as it's a natural thing. I will listen to what she has to say. Tell her my side and give her the things I've kept aside for her and explain my part in all this. If there is anyone to blame, it should be her bio-father (mr."T") and her mother because they are both responsible for her being here in the world. Amazingly, ex-ow e-mailed me and told me (almost three years later) that she understood why Mr."T" chose the route he took...it seems to me she's accepting her part of her responsibility as is Mr."T".
How has your family handled this?
That's a good question...my Grandfather, who passed away two weeks ago, was disappointed in him. He felt Mr."T" was like a son to him. My mother and step-dad don't get involved nor have offered their opinions. They were concerned about what my plans were (staying or going) and since there is NC, it doesn't really affect my side of the family. NOW...MR."T"'s family is another story...they are naturally disappointed in him...but my MIL pines for "the grand-daughter I never knew..." and Mr."T" and I both told her that there is nothing hindering her from seeking out OC...now, almost three years later, my MIL likes to blame ex-ow...and I tell her that her son bears blame too.
One uncle is into genealogy and added oc to the list against Mr."T"'s wishes. (No one wants to be reminded that there was a child out of wedlock! or that they contributed to the whole mess!) and so far, the rest of the family has been supportive of us, but instead of bytching to Mr."T" about his choices/actions/etc. they all do the passive/agressive thing and bytch to me....I then nicely refer them to Mr."T" and he usually sets them straight...fair? No...but what can you do? This has alienated me from his family a bit, and I've known them since I was 15 years old...Mr.T and I were high school sweeties....
I really do appreciate all the help and the support. I hope I haven't asked too many questions.

Again, there are never too many questions that can be asked... as this is a situation that generates many questions as well as many different scenarios...I wish I knew about this before I found out about OC in my life...I wish Mr."T" had been honest with me from the beginning...looking back, I wondered if I could have incorporated OC into our lives if I knew her as a baby rather than later into life and now it's seems it's too late...although some would argue that it's never too late, but why confuse a 4 year old child?....it's amazes me that the selfish actions of two people can affect so many...innocent children and innocent spouses (if ex-ow was married, in our case, she was not, but is now!)(did that make sense?)
At almost three years into this situation, I can see things more clearly and have more understanding and got the anger and pain part somewhat processed...but there isn't a day that goes by when one isn't reminded that there is a child out there...it's not easy...and it hurts like h*ll....

At times, I've had to take a vacation from the boards because I was getting angry with the stuff that was flinging around...glad to see it calmed a bit...

There is never a set of rules for every situation...what works for one marriage, doesn't work for another...one of the things that is important is to remember to know what you are capable of, know what your spouse thinks and go from there with a POJA of mutual enthusiasm. If there isn't any radical honesty in that then it's all in vain.

Hope this helps...
Twiisty

It is nobody's business. If you go NC, tell when and what you want. No need to upset your children and rock their foundations. The OW and her child are their own family. I believe it is to damaging to the family to even consider incorporating an OC into it. Pay the CS, have no contact and live your life.

If the OC come around after 18 years, deal with it then. Their mother was an OW, any 18 year old would be able to figure out why there was no contact and certainly understands what societial view of an OW.

Live your life, enjoy your family. Let OW and OC live their lives.

Hi

H and I are in the same position, however he does want contact as he feels that he would be too guilty.

This we know would affect the other children in this house so it is now a case of when to tell. H has 2 teenagers from XW and two babies with me. We want to incorporate the two youngest as soon as possible. The two eldest we are putting of for as long as possible as one is about to get into college and the other will be taking some major exams. There is no question this will effect them! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

That is our answer but it is not necessarily what is best for all concerned. Now I have to deal with what comes - this I am scared of and am not sure I can handle but we will see. Alot I think depends on the H and how they are with the BS - support, respect, etc.

Good luck, thinking of you and sending hugs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Tojo

Thanks for taking the time to answer all my questions Twisty. It helps a lot. I fell like I have such a long road ahead of me!

forboys,

We are also long distance, and so is MaryJanes.

You are right to question how much you+H can do for the OC long-distance. It's very hard to be a long-distance "parent". A lot depends on how reasonable the adults can be. The custodial parent has all the power.

We tried staying in touch w/OC via XOW for 2 years and finally gave up because of XOW's insanity. We can't afford to fly cross-country often, and wouldn't want to deal w/XOW's nasty attitude even if we lived next door!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Better to let everyone live their lives in peace apart than constantly fight. We know XOW has a man living w/them (don't know if they married). If OC ever wants our side of the story, we'll share it. I'm prepared for that possibility, and would almost welcome the chance... but maybe OC will just swallow XOW's lies hook and sinker--who knows.

We haven't yet told our children (our counselor recommended telling when they are teens), but we did tell our parents and H's sibs after a year, and asked them to keep it to themselves. So far it's worked great, but each situation is different.

Best wishes,
J
in recovery 5y and glad

I used to agonize over our grown children, parents and friends finding out about the OC. I lived in fear of it getting out somehow. I dreaded the day the OC might show up on the doorstep...I worried OW would call my kids or my MIL and tell them. I was a mess over this "secret" for three years, needlessly.

Then, just a few months ago, I let go of it all. I am not going to hide it, I am not going to mention it nor am I going to make any big announcement...I just decided not to worry about it anymore and just let God take care of it.

Someday it might all come out. If it does, it does. As far as my H and I are concerned, it is really no one else's business but ours and we have no obligation to tell anyone. This is between us and if our kids find out someday and are momentarily upset or angry, they will come to understand our position and probably get over it pretty quick.

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I worried OW would call my kids or my MIL and tell them.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My XMM had his sister in law call my H grand mother and tell her that I was pregnant and the details behind it. Then to top it off she stated that she was XMM xw. Lots of class. For 2 years he had me thinking it was his XW that did that. Then he told me he put his sister in law up to it. Some of the MM can be ruthless also.

Twiisty, thank you so much for saying all of that. You have no idea how much you have helped me in my decision process. My situation is a little different, as they all are. We arent even sure if OW is still pregnant. We knew she definitely was, but not really sure if she still is. H tried to call her however, you cell was turned off and house now has a different voice on answering machine. We arent sure what to do or to expect and it is very hard living in limbo like this but as to the NC/C thing, you have made me see a lot clearer instead of not seeing what options I have. I still say I dont want H to have C but he is feeling the guilt now and OW is barely 5 months along, again, if she is even still pregnant. I just wanted to thank you for your post. It has made me see things a lot clearer now. THANK YOU!!!