Interestingly enough, I have been confronted with an oc dilemna - just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water, so to speak.

This year, because of a change in my law school class schedule, I was unable to drive my six-year-old son to and from school like I did last year. In our area, buses are provided only to very rural children, so they expect the kids to either walk or have parents provide transportation. Because I couldn't, and because I feel that he is too young to walk the mile to school by himself, my parents and I got together and decided to enroll him in their school district, where the elementary school is right across the street from my parents' home. My son is very happy there, and is enjoying first grade. It has been a profound relief to see him doing so well in school, as last year the trauma of our divorce really interfered with his ability to concentrate. Now, however, he is truly content and very excited about learning to read.

All was going smoothly until my son brought home his class picture. There, right in front of him in the photo, was oc, his two-day-younger half sister. As you all know, I have no problem with oc - in fact I really do miss having her as part of my life - but I was still stunned at realizing for the first time that they are actually in the same first grade class together.

My son apparantly has blocked out much of the past trauma, and hence does not know, or at least does not admit to knowing who oc is. He says he knows her name, but acted like he didn't know what I was talking about when I asked if he remembered her visiting us. I didn't press the issue because it seemed to upset him to talk about her, so I let the topic drop.

I am just waiting at this point for something to happen that will send my little boy into an emotional tailspin. We had parent-teacher conferences last week, and ow was there - they apparantly went in alphabetical order, and our last children's last names begin with "A" and "C" - just my luck, no "Browns" or "Battaglias" in their class. Boy was I glad I realized oc was in the class before that - at least I didn't walk into it blind. It was very uncomfortable, as I am sure you can imagine. Still, I am to the point where I can deal with my own feelings towards ow. What I worry about is my son's feelings, and am not sure how to proceed. Should I gently remind him exactly what his relationship is with oc, or should I let him think she is just a classmate who looks vaguely familiar and risk having him be "reminded" of the truth later on? Also, I have grave concerns about ow stirring up trouble, now that she is also aware that my son is in the class. I am hoping that she, too, has matured in the two years that have passed, but her track record for trying to screw up our family is not the greatest.

Opinions, anyone, on how to proceed?
-Cd

I have no idea on how to proceed, CD...keep us posted on how it goes and what you decide to do. I hope someone comes along with better advice.
sending hugs your way,
Twiisty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cdcollins:
<strong> where the elementary school is right across the street from my parents' home. My son is very happy there, and is enjoying first grade. It has been a profound relief to see him doing so well in school, as last year the trauma of our divorce really interfered with his ability to concentrate. Now, however, he is truly content and very excited about learning to read.

=^^= That is the best news I ahve heard all day...I am so glad he is doing so well and likes it so well.

I asked if he remembered her visiting us. I didn't press the issue because it seemed to upset him to talk about her, so I let the topic drop.

=^^= if discussing her upset him, he probably senses that her existence caused trauma in your household. He might connect her some how to the overall demise of the marriage. If he is getting upset then something is reminding him, even if it is buried under layers of denial. It could all be so subconscious, he doesn't even realize that he is upset or why.

Should I gently remind him exactly what his relationship is with oc, or should I let him think she is just a classmate who looks vaguely familiar and risk having him be "reminded" of the truth later on?

=^^= Why not approach it as "good news" by saying "How about that, your half sister is in your class. this will be nice for the two of you to be able to play together." Or something like that. You can be sure the truth will trickle out in a small elementary school, either by accident or design via OW. So, I would bring it out now and act like it isn't any big deal so that everyone can act the same way giving your son some relief that this isn't something that has to be a bad or secret thing. JMO

Also, I have grave concerns about ow stirring up trouble, now that she is also aware that my son is in the class.

=^^= Well, that's why I am suggesting that the best defense is an offense in this case. Take control of the situation and hang onto the power position and head this off at the pass.
Does anyone else have any alternative ideas that might work better?

Love

Cat =^^=

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Cd~

If the topic seemed to upset him, I too believe he remembers something. He may even be trying to be a strong little boy for your sake, not wanting to cause you pain.

I don't know how much if any info. you want to share w/ his teacher, guidance counselor, or admin., but you may want to inform one or all of them. Ask for them to "keep an eye out". Ask for their advice, etc.

Somehow try to find out what's going on in his head and his heart. I'm quite sure it's something, even if it's a little something.

Best wishes to you, and your little guy. Aren't 1st graders the best? I can spot a 1st grade school picture a mile away. The child that is embarrassed of their toothless grin, smiles with their mouth tightly closed. The ones that are proud of their missing teeth, smile w/ mouth wide open. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Love it!!

Take good care, and Happy Thanksgiving
~aut

double..sorry

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

triple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...super sorry

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

this is just so sad, what other people do because they are so self-centered. I, also, was just amazed and dismayed on the ripple effect my H's A caused,even years later! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It sounds like your son may have a "heads-up" already. Do you know if OC knows the truth? Maybe OC has already said something. Where's Dad? Does he have C w/ OC?

I would not ask son about OC directly but start having some conversations about his "classmates" and let him start opening up that way. Asking about who he likes, his friends, who likes to read or help the teacher ect. Then see if OC is mentioned through regular conversation and that should eventually reveal what he knows and how he feels... (at least we hope)

I wouldn't try to remind him.....I don't know...this is just awful. I'm sorry you and your child have been so betrayed and have to go through CRAP like this!!!! It's so unfair! Talk about adding insult to injury!!!

CD,
If you have a good rapport with the teacher, you might give him/her as much information about the children and the past history as you are comfortable sharing. Then ask her to keep an eye on the situation in the classroom.
A GOOD, CARING TEACHER can help in this situation.
You might also address this with a counselor and see what that person would recommend.
Stay on top of this situation with your son, these are the most important years in school and the most vulnerable.
My son falls into Special Education due to a Learning Disability. Another child found out he was under the special ed umbrella and started calling hims "stupid" and "special ed".
This is not the came situation, but he was being teased about something he was sensitive about,I talked to the bus driver and she spoke to the child and it ended. The same with your son. The OC has information she can hold over him and tease him about if she is that kind of child.
I remember, she was attached to you but her mom was a horrible person. The mom could instigate problems between the children.
Keep the lines of communication open between you, your child and his school. The school counselor could be another source of support. She could call him in and ask if things are OK.
Good luck
TG

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>

cd,,,,,,,,, i will try answering your question like i have seen K reply to some with your own words.

you asked..... Should I gently remind him exactly what his relationship is with oc,

and about being caught off guard in a sticky situation you said..... Boy was I glad I realized oc was in the class before that - at least I didn't walk into it blind.

don't you think that he would rather here any details of this from you rather then someone else who is a stranger to him? also wouldn't you rather be the one that prepares him for what someone else might say?

knowing the way a tender and caring mother can be you should be able to explain this to him so that nothing catches him by surprise.

CD - I'm sorry this situation has come into your life. Just when you think the waters have settled... If you feel comfortable, I would talk about the situation with the school guidance counselor and his teacher so they can be on the look out for any poptential problems, ie: if she is saying anything to him in class, if he seems sad in class, or if OW is volunteering in class so teacher can watch out for your son (if he knows her and would remember her). I would also bring up the topic with your son, but not make a big deal of it. See if he has any questions and feel him out. First graders are in their own little world, so hopefully he will have a great year and she will just be another good friend.

CD,

I don't have a magic ball to know what is the best thing to do, but I sense your son does have some hurt left over about the entire situation.

I have a few things for you to consider-if he is told who OC is to him, does that imply you will welcome OC into your present life and tell all in your new home and community as who she is to your son or to you? Are you also prepared that your son may remember but wants nothing to do with child?

My children were told of OC by my H because he wanted to. And for his convenience. They want nothing to do with the child, and have never asked to be with the hcild. When I have attempted to talk to them about the issue,neither one wants to talk about it, and my youngest is close to your son's age. I don't think in your son's world that finding out there is another child attached to his daddy from whom he rarely sees is something that would enrich his life.

I am of the belief tht telling children about any of this should be of use or help to your children, not just merely to prevent what if the child hears from someone else. THat may not happen, and as I see it, heck, my own children heard about it from their father, and you know what? It hasn't helped them and it hasn't helped H in his relationship with them. It definately did not meet any of their needs and I don't think H thought of what that info would do to them.

so, I ask you-think long and hard about what if telling your son who OC is will do for your son-the plus's and minuses. And then use that info to help you decide.

And did the OW recognize you at conference and look as if she would say anything? ANd did you know the OW lives in your parent's neighborhood? What a nightmare.

Good luck, let us know what you decide.

cd,,,,,,, like catnip said you have to stay in the controling position.

uw,,,, i don't know how old your kids are but if they are under the age of say around 12 then i have to say i cannot believe your c's heard about the oc and just said we don't want anything to do with him/her. if that is the case then i feel your c's were reacting to you and/or your h negative attitude about oc. i just don't believe that kids at that age don't want to know who their 1/2 sibling is.

in this house when they were told of fh's pregnancy their first reaction was b or g and what name.

sure no one may ever say aything about this to cd's son but why would she even concider taking that chance? why would she not take control of the situation and explain it to her son in a positive way? that way she can avoid and prepare him for anything.

om in our case has stepdaughter that attends the same hs as our 15 yr old. i was talking to his w the other week ( that's another story) and she told me that not only did her d know who he was but thought he was cute. now let me tel lyou that wold really be a bisarre (sp?) twist on our situation if you think about it. what if the started dateing.

also our 13 yr old s and 12 yr old d will be attending his with his 11 yr old s. the 2 boy will most likely be playing soccer on the same hs team. i don't expect any of them to hate or dislike the other because of grace's bio parents.
that is for the parents to deal with NOT the kids.

i am not saying that an oc deserves more attention or special concideration over the c's of the marriage. but it is certainly a sad day when adults teach their c's to hate or disassociate with another c because of that childs parents. when that happens we are using those c's as pawns in our own struggles to cope with the situation.

just my thougts.

hoping everyone can find some peace and have a thankful thanksgiving and holiday season, pops

I wish that I could help you out more. But this is all new to me ...
My nine year old daughter is in the same class as OC. They are 3 months apart in age and best friends, but they only discovered they were sisters about two weeks ago. I told their teacher about it and have been watching closely what happens. My daughter is in counseling, OC is not. Please keep us posted on what happens.
Good luck to you and God bless.

Pops,

My children are under 12, and yes, they had that reaction. I was not even with my kids when my H told them of OC and he does have contact with child, which is why we are now separated and now facing most probably a divorce.

I have never said anything unkind about OC to my kids, but they know what my H and oW did was wrong. My own H told them that.However, neither one of them has ever asked to meet child, nor asked about the child at all. They are embarassed by my H's behavior, and the child;s existence, and no, they do not consider that child to be a half sibling.

I think you are in a unique situation since that child lives in your home and your OC has always been an integral part of your family, as the rest of your children have been.

IN our case, and many other people's cases, the OC was never an integral part of the kids of MM, and never felt they wanted or needed another sibling. The child is viewed as part of someone, but not them.

I don't feel that is weird or unusual, and I think you are naive in thinking some kids would not feel this way.

Regardless, I wonder what CD decided to do?