Dear Members:

I have been browsing the posts here for a few days now and am so touched by the outpouring of emotion and support that I have seen between the members. I hope that you will allow me to share my experiences with you and gain some insight and much needed advice.

So, here it goes:

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years, but have been together for 9.5 years total. This past February, his job relocated us across the country. We bought a beautiful home and settled in for what seemed to be the next and best phase of our lives. I bustled about in a happy, contented blur getting to know my way around the city, fixing up the new house, finding a job, etc. By May, we seemed to be well situated and things were going more smoothly than ever.

Evidently, my husband's persepective was completely different from my own because it was in May that he began having an affair. It all started with a phone call that he received as we were on our way to lunch to celebrate my new job and our good fortune. To this day, I have never seen my husband more nervous. The look on his face was one of sheer terror. He fumbled and stammered and quickly made an excuse to get off of the phone. I asked who it was and he told me her name (for my purposes here I will be nice and change what I usually call her to the word "Fungus"). He said, "Oh that was just Fungus. She works with me and needed some help with a project."

In the past, my husband has received calls from women with whom he worked while I was present, but he never reacted in this manner. Usually he would just give them whatever information/help they needed in a professional manner and promptly get off the phone. This time it was like a big red siren going off over his head. He started to tremble uncontrollably and his face was covered in sweat. I questioned him. He lied. We fought. He promised he would never do anything to hurt me and I believed him.

It was not long after that day when he began having to work odd hours several nights during the week. My husband is in a rather high level management position and the hours that he was claiming just did not jibe with the type of work that he does. Of course, I began finding hotel receipts, restaurant tabs, movie tickets... The worst was when I checked his voice mail and heard a flirty message from a woman. Again and again, I questioned him. Again and again he lied. I love my husband so much that I just tried to keep myself hoping for the best by making up excuses for him. I squeezed my eyes shut, covered my ears and told myself that all marriages go through problems. I fooled myself into believing that he was just going through some ridiculous phase and that any time he would grow out of it and realize how awful he was becoming; and it was getting absolutely awful.

My husband has never been much of a drinker. All of a sudden he was binge drinking every weekend. He started disappearing for 2-3 days at a time. He got destructive with our most expensive belongings and very verbally abusive with me. Still I prayed for things to get better. I told myself that he was having problems with transiitioning to a new home, new expenses, stress at work. I made excuse after excuse after excuse as his behavior steadily worstened. Then he got to where I swear it was as though he just enjoyed watching me cry.

At first, it was not just one woman. I think there were several with whom he was flirting. However, there seemed to be one that was his favorite and would come up time and again (the "Fungus"). I finally put my foot down (or so I thought) and decided to call this woman to explain to her that my husband was not available to her.

Fungus told me that he was the one chasing her. She was more furious about the fact that he seemed to be seeing other women besides her rather than the fact that she was speaking with me, his WIFE! Fungus said my husband told her that he was unhappy in his marriage and did not love me anymore. She said that he was sweet but that he was conceited and full of himself. "I tell him he's not all that!" said Fungus.

I guess I should mention that Fungus is kind of a ghetto girl. She is 26 (4 years younger than my husband and me) with two kids of her own by different fathers. She is inarticulate and speaks with a very definitive street slang. She still lives at home with her parents. She's really rather worthless. In fact, she completely surprised me when she said, "I told him that compared to you, I don't know why he's even with me. It don't matter though 'cause I don't love him or want him anyway!" I told my husband about the conversation and he just said, "Well, now you know." That was it. No explantion. No remorse. No promise to stop the affair.

Then, on November 20th at 8:50 p.m. (that's burned into my memory forever) I stepped out of the shower to find my husband shut inside of an extra bedroom of our house on his cell phone whispering to this woman how he loved her. I was outraged. I burst into the room and demanded to know what happened. A long, tumultuous fight ended in my calling the Fungus and her telling me that she was pregnant. "Yeah, we're having a kid! So what! He's mine now!"

That was it. The straw that broke my own back... For all my efforts to make my husband a comfortable, happy home, I had been defeated by a woman who has nothing but misery to offer him. His life is ruined.

The past couple of weeks have been hell. He is downright horrible to me, viscious, cruel... and I thought he couldn't get any meaner than he already was. Yet every night, he shuts himself in that room and whispers to her how much he loves her and how he will do anything for her. He grovels and pleads and begs. I have never heard anything like it. This is not the man I married.

So, it is what it is. He took the coward's way out of our marriage. He does not want to reconcile. He is not willing to try. He is using this as an exit affair, an excuse to get out of this marriage with no guilt or explanations. I know I need to move on, but there are so many questions I want answered. There are so many things that I want to resolve before I leave for good. I am even thinking about calling the Fungus and asking her if we can meet. I guess I need to make her real in my mind.

Please send me your thoughts and advice. I could really use some wise words that would apply to my situation. I have seen several posts from women who are in the same boat and are working to repair their marriages, but I just don't think that this is one that can be saved.

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

Kindest Regards,
Blue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am so sorry for you. It sounds like your H has made his decision.

Don't meet with this OW. She will only try to hurt you more. And if she is "ghetto", she probably expects you to come and "fight for your man" and probably expects it in the most literal sense!

I know it is a shock so surround yourself with supportive friends or relatives to help you through this time. Maybe your H will come ot his senses when he sees this OW for what she really is. IF that's what you want. Or maybe you are seeing your H for what he really is???

I feel for you, sincerely. Take care of your SELF for now and focus on YOU.

I know the curiosity that you are feeling, but I would not meet with this girl. You can already tell she is going to be defensive, and all she is going to do is hurt you and you will end up destroying yourself hearing her words.

Dear Blue...

I posted earlier but something happened to my post...it got swallowed up in space somewhere so I will try once again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GloomyBlue:
<strong>

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years, but have been together for 9.5 years total.

=^^= Any children?

I bustled about in a happy, contented blur getting to know my way around the city, fixing up the new house, finding a job, etc. By May, we seemed to be well situated and things were going more smoothly than ever.

=^^= Ah yes...I know the feeling...peace, contentment and all is right with the world. Joy and gratitude for such a great marriage too, I bet.

because it was in May that he began having an affair.

=^^= I bet you even remember the exact date, day and time and what you were wearing...I know I do

It all started with a phone call
To this day, I have never seen my husband more nervous. The look on his face was one of sheer terror. He fumbled and stammered and quickly made an excuse to get off of the phone.

=^^= So, he's not exactly "smooth" under pressure. And a field of red flags began waving, right?

(for my purposes here I will be nice and change what I usually call her to the word "Fungus"). He said, "Oh that was just Fungus. She works with me and needed some help with a project."

=^^= Hahaha. Sorry.

He started to tremble uncontrollably and his face was covered in sweat. I questioned him. He lied. We fought. He promised he would never do anything to hurt me and I believed him.

=^^= Denial is a remarkable buffer from the obvious and whatever we are afraid to acknowledge in our hearts.

I began finding hotel receipts, restaurant tabs, movie tickets. I checked his voice mail and heard a flirty message from a woman. Again and again, I questioned him. Again and again he lied. I love my husband so much that I just tried to keep myself hoping for the best by making up excuses for him. I squeezed my eyes shut, covered my ears and told myself that all marriages go through problems. I fooled myself into believing that he was just going through some ridiculous phase and that any time he would grow out of it and realize

=^^= Your denial was incredible, Blue. How long did this go on before you were able to face the truth? We all want to believe that the signs we are seeing is just some "phase" they will eventually emerge out of. It's a tough time...real tough.

My husband has never been much of a drinker. All of a sudden he was binge drinking every weekend. He started disappearing for 2-3 days at a time.

=^^= Where did you think he was?

He got destructive with our most expensive belongings and very verbally abusive with me. Still I prayed for things to get better. I told myself that he was having problems with transiitioning to a new home, new expenses, stress at work. I made excuse after excuse after excuse as his behavior steadily worstened. Then he got to where I swear it was as though he just enjoyed watching me cry.

=^^= You sure cut him a lot of slack in your denial. The abusive stuff is typical during this time because if he can hurt you enough to make you leave, then he can either continue with whatever it is he is doing or he can get out of the marriage without facing D-day...unless this is an exit affair; which probably means he took up with the first available woman he found to use as a reason/catalyst to get out of the marriage.

Fungus told me that he was the one chasing her. She was more furious about the fact that he seemed to be seeing other women besides her rather than the fact that she was speaking with me, his WIFE!

=^^= I had a friend once who was sleeping with a married man. The only time she got upset was when her lover cheated on her with another OW. For some reason she accepted the fact that there was a wife and that was OK because she was then in the position of being the most desired (she thought) but when the lover took up with the other OW, she came unglued because suddenly, she was not the most desired any longer. Someone else had usurped heer position of what she perceived as the "MOST desired" position.

Fungus said my husband told her that he was unhappy in his marriage and did not love me anymore.

=^^= They ALL say that. It means absolutely nothing.

I guess I should mention that Fungus is kind of a ghetto girl. She is 26 (4 years younger than my husband and me) with two kids of her own by different fathers. She is inarticulate and speaks with a very definitive street slang. She still lives at home with her parents. She's really rather worthless. In fact, she completely surprised me when she said, "I told him that compared to you, I don't know why he's even with me. It don't matter though 'cause I don't love him or want him anyway!" I told my husband about the conversation and he just said, "Well, now you know." That was it. No explantion. No remorse. No promise to stop the affair.

=^^= They always seem to trade in their BMW's for a Yugo, don't they? She sounds charming.

Then, on November 20th at 8:50 p.m. (that's burned into my memory forever) I stepped out of the shower to find my husband shut inside of an extra bedroom of our house on his cell phone whispering to this woman how he loved her.

=^^= He THINKS he loves her. If he goes to her and chooses her over you, in six months those declarations of love will turn into the hateful things he has been saying to you.

Fungus telling me that she was pregnant. "Yeah, we're having a kid! So what! He's mine now!"

=^^= I'm sorry, Blue.

For all my efforts to make my husband a comfortable, happy home, I had been defeated by a woman who has nothing but misery to offer him. His life is ruined.

=^^= When he experiences his "moment of clarity" and sees all he sacrificed for Fungus, he will indeed be immersed in his own misery.

The past couple of weeks have been hell. He is downright horrible to me, viscious, cruel... and I thought he couldn't get any meaner than he already was.

=^^= He's pushing you away intentionally. He wants you to hate him, to leave him so he can carry on with Fungus. He needs for you to make the move because he is too cowardly to do this himself. He needs to shift the blame and responsibility to you so he can live with himself, I am guessing.

He does not want to reconcile. He is not willing to try. He is using this as an exit affair, an excuse to get out of this marriage with no guilt or explanations.

=^^= Then let him go. Let him experience what life is like without you. Sever all contact to preserve whatever love you have left for him and try to heal from this betrayal. Go immediately into Plan B. Since this is obviously an exit affair, he needs to exit. Let him do it and see how he likes the choices he has made. My guess is that he will work to get his life back with you withing weeks.

I know I need to move on, but there are so many questions I want answered. There are so many things that I want to resolve before I leave for good.

=^^= The sad thing is is that there are no answers to your questions. If you live to be a hundred, you'll never fully understand how this could have happened. Wasting time trying to figure it all out is just going to hamper your healing because there are no explanations.

I am even thinking about calling the Fungus and asking her if we can meet. I guess I need to make her real in my mind.

=^^= If it will give you some closure, then do it. But be prepared to the emotional upheaval you will probably experience.

are working to repair their marriages, but I just don't think that this is one that can be saved.

=^^= Do you want to save it? Is it worth it to you? Is he worthy of you?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Steve Harley sometimes suggests that if a couple doesn't ahve any chidlren together and the marriage is relatively new, to divorce and allow the WS to parent his OC with the OW. I know that sounds contrary to the MB principles, but there are cases where sometimes it is a good idea to reflect on what it is you truly want and make your decision.

I always hate to welcome newcomeers to this forum but you have come to the right place for support and guidance. Now tell us what you would like to see happen.

Catnip =^^=

HurtnConfused and KTBunch: Thank you ladies ever so much for your kind replies. I am trying to gather family and friends around me, especially now during the holidays. I know I need to focus on myself.

Catnip - I appreciate your taking the time to muddle through all the details with me. Wow! I had not realized what a long story I wrote last night. I just started tying and it was like my load was lightening just a teensy bit with every word.

Anyhow, to give you a bit more info, my husband and I do not have any children together. He has a son who is 11 that we support financially (very well, I might add) and lives in another state. We do not ever see him per his mother's wishes.

I'll be darned, I do remember the date it started: Saturday, May 3rd a bit after noon. I wore jeans and a yellow blouse.

My goodness, you echo my thoughts exactly when you say that he is purposely hurting me to drive me away from him. It would be easier for him if I hated him because that would give him justification; but, I don't think that I could ever really hate him and he knows it. In fact, I try to be kind to him because I don't need the stress of constant yelling and screaming (although I do my fair share). The nicer I am, the more he looks as if he wants to explode.

I know he's ashamed and he does not want to face what he has done. Every now and then he will let down his defenses and I can see a glimmer of the man that he used to be. I know he is in pain and that he feels he has ruined the most important part of his life. Yet, for all the love I know that he has for me, it just does not outweigh the warped sense of loyalty that he feels towards Fungus simply because she is carrying his child. He even admits that this child may not be his.

I have never known the joys of being pregnant, but I can imagine what a man must feel seeing a woman carrying his child. Babies are miracles no matter how awful/disgusting the circumstance are that surround their conception.

There is a woman with whom I work that I figure is just about the same time in her term as the Fungus. She's a lovely woman but I can't bear to look at her or hear her talk about all of the wonderful sensations she is feeling. If I react this way with a colleague, I don't think I could look at the Fungus without getting physically ill in front of her! I don't think I am quite ready now to meet her face to face, but I will have to make it happen one day soon.

I know it is time for Plan B. I am hoping to be out of the house soon, having already set myself definitive deadlines for fixing my finances and getting myself in order. That is the easy part of this whole thing. Thankfully, I am good with money and have always been pretty strong. I know I can make it on my own. In fact, my husband says that he is not worried about me at all. He knows I will be fine. I say that is a poor excuse for forcing me to do so.

Anyhow, thanks so much again for the advice. My goal is to heal completely from this experience and use it as a growth opportunity (you know, make lemonade and all that rot!)

Cheers,
Blue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 18, 2003, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: GloomyBlue ]</small>

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA why are you leaving the home? Can you afford it on your own?

I feel for you. I really do. It is a hard thing to wrap your mind around, and try to function isn't it? I remember those days. Numb, shame, hurt. That does go away. I promise.

However, what you can do right how. I'm sure you have been nice, and trying to understand what happened to your marriage. I don't think you need plan A right now. Since it sounds like she is trash and you are the decent strong one. She sounds needy and now that she is pregnant, he probably feels very confused. Let him see what life is going to be like without you. You sound like a wonderfull, smart woman. One very capable of taking care of herself, fostering wonderful friendships, loyal, decent, caring. Those are qualities that he has obviously taken for granted. He is so used to the wonderfull you that he doesn't even realize how special they are anymore. How sad for him. Let him see how great she is, with her useless life, no ambition, no drive, etc. Let him spend time with the chaos that seems to be her life. It would be a good plan B.

In the meantime, you are hurt. For that I am so deeply sorry. I know that hurt. I wish I could help ease that. Alas, I can't. I can only tell you that you will survive. You will be happy again. You will make it past this. Many have. I know, and remember the early days, thinking that I would never be happy again, etc. I was wrong.

You have to let the pain and anger out. Don't let it fester inside of you. Your wonderfull trusting nature need not be destroyed. Your mind may have played the denial game with you for a while, but don't fret. Denial is a coping method we are all capable of. We have all been there. Now that truth is out, keep a journal, walk alot. Eat well. Dress well. Buy new shoes!!!!! Anything that makes you feel better. You need to pamper yourself. You also need time to grieve. That is ok.

Keep posting here and get the support you so richly deserve. We all have hugely different views, and stories. Some of us are years past this (like me) and truly and really do care about you. Cause we know.

Hugs to you!!

Blue, This was said, but I just wanted to emphasize that when you begin your plan B to make sure your husband knows you are separating BECAUSE you love him and want the marriage to work. Check out the examples of plan B letters on the website. Take care and God bless.

Hello Lynn and Aimee: Thank you for your warm words. I believe that I will be fine all on my own. I may experience a small bump here and there, but I will be financially stable alone. The emotional healing will be tremendously worse for me than managing money matters. One of the things I know irks my husband is that since we relocated, I am in a job where he and I make the exact same amount of money. He says it does not bother him, but I know it does. Feeling needed is a big deal for him -- and he certainly has found someone needy.

I do not want to leave the house for fear that he will get used to the idea of my not being around, but I feel it is necessary. If he is alone with all of his bills (which are much more than mine) and all of his mistakes and all of his rage, but still says he does not want me or need me or love me, then it must be true.

Right?
Blue <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm glad you are facing truth about your situation.

You know how when someone is on drugs, and they might know deep down they need to get help but they won't. They resent any attempts to help them...

Well, I heard Dr.Phil say to some parents with a wayward son on drugs that the boy won't want their help for a while because the drugs are still in his system. The drugs will be doing the talking for a while.

I liken this scenario to what Dr.Harley describes as "the WS being in a fog." It struck me when you said this is not the man you married. It's not.

I think you are doing the right thing to go to "Plan B" immediately. Please read about it on this website. If you still kind of love your husband and want to preserve what is left, the affair needs to end, number 1, and next, he needs to make up his mind what he wants to do about his marriage. In the meantime, YOU have a plan.

(((HUGS)))

p.s. I'm so glad catnip responded to you! she traveled quite a distance to confront her xOW. She knows exactly what she is talking about regarding that aspect of your healing. Please consider what she has said... She has definitely been there, done THAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blue, Kicking him out on his own would have the same effect because he'd have to be responsible for all his bills that way too.

I am grateful for the responses, but I feel just horrible. It seems that there is no hope for us at all...

Blue <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I personally don't think the BS should have to move. They did nothing wrong, and should not have to leave the comfort and familiarity of their home.

Blue,
I agree wholeheartedly. You should NOT leave the home. I know for me, my ego wouldn't allow it. If you say OW lives with her mother and is pregnant ... then if you leave it is wide open for her to come live in YOUR home. The home YOU decorated with love. And then ... if and when he comes out of the fog, that very same home you cherished will be tainted with her stench.

Blue, there's a powerful lesson to be learned by a man tossed out to set up house from scratch with his new "treasure." And the ghetto type should prove to be quite entertaining in domestic situations. That alone should clear the fog from his head.

I remember seeing a picture of my H's OW in a sexy nightie, layed across her bed. Well there was a sheet thrown across the mattress without a mattress pad. You could see the edges of the mattress. I rolled laughing and asked my husband is that the kind of household he wants to live in ... where a woman can't take the time to make a clean and proper bed for her man. I then reminded him of how when we were dating I would change my sheets every other day and spray them with perfumes to keep them fresh. When he laid his head on my pillow he felt like he was in heaven. You should have seen the look on his face during that conversation.

So don't under-estimate the value of having him take a full time step into HER world. You have a distinct advantage that she's "ghetto" and a complete opposite of you.


And my last thought before I leave. My ghetto OW ... turns out she got knocked up by her boyfriend and NOT my husband. We payed un-court ordered child support for 1.5 years and dealt with all her ghetto bull-[censored] for nothing. She swore up and down that my H was the only one she was with not using a condom. I guess she lied? Go figure.

So get DNA as soon as the child is born before paying a dime. Very many OW are of loose moral stature and may have slept with more than the one they claim.

Best of Luck in your healing and recovery,
Keep posting and reading.
And remember .... they all say they don't love us anymore ... it's apart of the fog and them trying to get us to hate them. I'm 3 years into recovery and WOW, it's way better after the storm clears.

Z.