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Joined: Jul 2003
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It has been almost a year since I found out about A/OC, and I am still filled with so much anger and despair. Christmas was horrible, fighting and no communication. I feel like he is not listening to my feelings and meeting my needs in helping me through this, he feels I need TOO MUCH and will never be able to get over it. It has been almost a year, maybe he is right. I feel like I am going to live the rest of my life being a miserable, unhappy person because of this. I just cannot seem to deal with the betrayal, and have so much anger. Try not to resort to fighting, name calling, how could you do this to me, etc - but when we don't talk about it for days it builds up inside me and I want to explode. He has said he is sorry, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I don't ever feel like he is showing enough remorse, and I can't take it anymore. Nobody knows of our situation. My kids think all we do is fight, even on Christmas. I don't want to live MY LIFE anymore!! I just want to run away from this whole situation, and I would if we didn't have kids. It is just too painful to bear anymore. Have been going to therapy since D-day, and they can't seem to help me either. Am on antidepressants - don't know else to do. Please if anyone has any words of support or wisdom. I am feeling desperate and don't know how much more of this pain I can take. How do you ever get over someone treating you with so much disrespect, so horriblY? I never knew people could hurt each other this badly, and when its the person you love and trusted more than anything in the world - how do you deal with it? I have no safe place in my life anymore, I'm tired of worrying about him loving me and being able to deal with my feelings, about what will happen to my kids? Why couldn't we be enough - it is so degrading and humiliating. Even when things have been bad, I could never consider hurting him in the way he has hurt me. I want someone who knows that you have a resposibility to your wife and kids when you get married, and having an affair is WRONG. I know I sound naive, and I realize that people hurt each other, but I never thought I would be hurt this badly by someone I love so much. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings who this has happened to, but I feel like this must be what it is like to be raped by your father - someone you loved and trusted with your life, and then you want to still love this person and have them in your life but how do you accept that they could hurt you so badly. I'm feeling really desperate, and I know New Years will be even worse. I like to contemplate my year and set goals for the next year - when I contemplate what has happened to my life this year I want to drive off a bridge. It is just too much, and I think I have spent the last year just trying to cope with my life instead of deal with what has happened. The anger is eating me up iside, ruining my relationship with my kids, and turning me into a pessimistic, miserable person. I always thought of myself as being so caring and loving, and I have never done a selfish thing in my life (at least not anything that would hurt someone else just to make me feel good). PLEASE - how do you deal with all of this. Am I abnormal? Will this make me a miserable person for the rest of my life? I wish so often that I would just die in a car crash or something that is not my doing, so I don't have to deal with this and don't have to leave my children with the legacy of suicide on top of betrayal (when they eventually find out). Nobody knows of our situation and I have no one to talk to but my therapist.

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fortheboys, I'm so sorry. Do you know about Plan B? It sounds like time to separate, which isn't necessarily divorce.

You need support! Do you have any good friend or relative to help you get through this?

Please tell your therapist your suicidal feelings and check on anti-depressants.

A prayer for you,
J

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Hang in there. I have been there, even trying to OD on pills after WH told me he was going to try and work things out with OW. He came back and watched over me until I was okay. Right now he is still "with" OW and their 4 month old even though she lives in other state. You can get through this. Mostly I am ashamed and embarrassed that I let myself get so down. Posting on here helps. There are lots of resources out there to help too. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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Fortheboys, My situation and feelings is very much like yours so I really can't be of much help. I do want to say that I've actually tried suicide in the past, about a year before the OC was concieved. Obviously my attempt failed. I spent 4 days in a cardiac care unit embarrased and deeply depressed. My actions didn't change a thing in fact the situation only got worse. Trust me its not worth it. This experience made me realize that my actions were totally unfair to my daughtes, especially had I succeeded in my attempt. Where would my being gone leave them? Who would have mothered them? The OW? WH too busy cheating what can he really do? The next time that I felt like I seriously wanted to do something to harm myself I went to the emergency room and checked myself in. Trust me this act was really a wakeup call. What they do is put you in a area where you're pretty much treated like a prisoner. You're around other people who have obvious serious mental problems which made me realize immediately that I didn't belong there. Having my rights taken away from me for that short period of time was like having my life taken away and it made me realize that life is worth living and that I had sense enough to work through my problems.

I began to read my bible and it really helps me cope. I pray that you find peace and happiness.

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Hang in there. What helped me the most is realizing that my H does not care about me - at all. In March I was his soulmate. In April it was OW. He is living with her now, and is just like an addict. It is all about him, him, him.

When I finally figured it out, I went to Plan B. I realized that I have to take responsibility for caring about me, taking care of my wants and needs.

Hopefully things will get better for you once you start taking care of YOU. It's time someone did. Good luck and please keep posting.

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You will be OK. The hurt you are feeling is PERFECTLY NORMAL for the situation you have been placed in. We know first-hand how much it hurts.

There isn't a quick-fix. A time will come when it will eventually fade into the background and not consume too much of your time or thoughts. It took me about 3 years to get to that point. We are finding now that our arguments and difficulties are actually about normal stuff, not infidelity.

Can you look at yourself and compare yourself back to when you FIRST found out? Are you a little better since then? You have to take baby steps. I don't think any of us will ever be the same, we have all been changed. The way I have looked at it is not to regain what was lost, but to start anew.

It's part of the grieving process to let go of what you had - it doesn't exist any more.

Your children need you. Your family needs you. Your H must love you very much to go through this with you - it would be easier to walk away and he hasn't done that. Remember that.

Keep talking to him - when you feel not so emotional, tell him that you lash out in anger and hatred because you are hurting - and ask if he can try to keep that in mind. I would tell my H that I didn't enjoy feeling that way, and that used to help him ride it out.

Maybe you're not ready yet, but if you can dig deep to see what's underneath the anger. Maybe you need reassurance, maybe you need to be hugged and held, maybe you need to feel special........See if you can figure out what is triggering your anger. That has been a really important breakthrough for me. So now, I try to express what it really is that is bothering me - and he seems to receive that much better than bombardment with obscenities and a vase being hurled - when I am angry he shuts down and it makes it WORSE. When I am honest, he listens, and I am reassured. If he doesn't feel hated and loathed, he can be more supportive which is what we're really looking for anyway.

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You sweet loving woman!! You deserve a big huge hug (( ))).

Does your husband want to stay in the marriage? If so, you need to do a few things.

1) Tell a friend, a sister, someone. Someone who loves you and will hold you while you pour out the tears. Lord I wish I could come and do that for you. Tell you that everything will be ok. Cause it will.

2) You are hurt. That is a fact. It is however, not the end of you or your marriage if that is what you choose. Your husband, if he loves you and is properly sorry for what he has done, wants you too. He can't take it back. There is nothing he can do to erase the devastation he caused. OK? So, what do you need from him? You sound like a woman who feels she hasn't been heard. I bet he has heard, he just doesn't know how to respond. Think about it. He has devastated you, he probably feels like if you both can move past it, all will heal. In a way, that is the truth.

3) Try to schedule, in your mind, some fun time. Time to be loving and alone with him. Give each other masages, etc. Then try and let that feeling of closeness carry you through. Can you think of some sweet nice gesture he has done for you lately? Why did he do it? Was he trying in his own way? Awknowledge those little things. Say thank you with a hug and a kiss. Watch a comedy together so you can laugh together. In time, each of these little gestures create intimacy. When the ugly affair and the hurt comes to the top, let him know it is there. You don't need to get hysterical to get your point across. Just let him know, in a calm way, that you love him, want to rebuild, but that it will take time.

5) You sound depressed. You probably are in a situational depression. If your current therapist isn't working, by all means find another. Speak to your doctor about the meds.

6) Did do you know that exercise is one of the best things you can do for depression? Get out and walk. Have a dog? Take it along. It is good for your cardio and legs and stomach, but amazingly, it also helps calm an upset, overtired mind. I have a feeling that your mind has not stopped in all this time. It is tired, worn out and jumps from thought to thought. Walking, and the even rythm actually helps slow it down. It obviously won't fix the hurt, but it will do you a world of good physcially. And I bet your physical health and conditioning has taken a hit while you are hurting.

7) Write a journal. Keep track of all your thoughts, but only do it once a day. Write and plan to show nobody. Let it all out.

8) Decide to have a happy day. I'm serious!! Take a day and spend it alone, with your kids, a friend, husband, whatever. Just take some time and do only that which makes you happy and content. Do not allow this affair have any part of this day. This is all about you. Go to a great lunch with friends, read a book. Start a hobby that you always wanted to do. Or reconnect with an old hobby that you haven't had time for.
Get out there and take back your life.

9) DO NOT LET THIS CONTROL YOU any longer. You have one life to live. Live it with love and as much happiness as you can. The affair and the oc are just one itty bitty part of it. Do not let them destroy you. When your marriage heals, and it can, you will go for days and days and then weeks, then months and never even think about it. It will just be something from your past. Let that happen! LIVE BE HAPPY LOVE. Cause you can get past all of this and thrive. I know you can. I did. I was like you, shocked, hurt, angry, the whole nine yards. These are feelings that we all go through. Some days you will feel strong, others you will feel weak. This doesn't go away overnight. But it will in time lose it's ability to even touch you anymore.


Go and enjoy your husband and family. They love you and want you back!!! Just take it one day at a time. And when the ugly thoughts come, jump on here and vent away!! We will be here to catch you and send out support and encouragement. You will heal dear, just let it happen.

Love to you!

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I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!!

You are not alone. I have also been to the point where I needed antideppressants, felt suicidal ect.

Not to discount your feelings in any way but first some logical steps for you to take and consider that are within your "control";

1)If you are still feeling suicidal, you may need a different medication or a higher dose. If the medication seems to be making no difference in helping you cope with your emotions then maybe you should just quit them. (do not do that with out talking to your Dr. it is just an idea to consider) Talk to your doctor and explain that you are still feeling terrible if not worse and it is affecting your daily life and you feel you cannot cope "normally" with day to day decisions and activities.

2)Check your diet, it is hard to eat healthy during such a stressful time much less during the holidays. I lost almost 25 lbs during this past year and half (not counting all the weight from being pregnant and just having baby) I think I was becoming anorexic. This can contribute to edginess, moodiness and overall feelings of negativity.

3) Get outside excercise. Take a walk. Being outside in the sun and fresh air is very good for you and your well being. Try to do this as often as you can. IF you have kids take them with you if you must, it will be good for all of you, little ones can be loaded in a stroller. Even if you only have 20 min. DO IT.

4)Remember that the holidays are always extra stress triggers. They add lots of pressure to otherwise calm days so if you already have stress and pressure it will only build during the holidays.

*************************
There are probably many issues that have not been dealt with that are contributing to the pain and anger. It probably seems like as soon as you figure out how to deal with one thing then another comes up. I remember feeling like every single aspect of my life was spinning out of control and every member of my family was spinning in their own direction----completely out of control!

I also felt very needy and insecure in my marriage. Something I had never been before in my life.

What do you need to feel secure? A date out? Lots of physical affection? words of endearment and compliments? Try and figure it out and let your H know--point blank what he can do to help you feel loved and secure. Nothing is trivial. It is a valid need you have and even more so with this situation.

It helped me to define and put into words the "things" I was not "getting" and letting my H know BEFORE I was totally depleted of these needs. I believe, throughout this site these are referred to as "emotional needs", "love bank", "deposits" and "withdrawals". It all makes sense. You probably have a higher need right now.

The "love bank" for you and your H is probably "over drawn" and you both need to make some serious deposits.

Like another poster suggested..think of the ways you have improved over the past year with dealing with this situation. Every bit counts. It takes time and lots of energy which is draining, I know. You need to try and take care of yourself too.

My H USED to respond the same way as it sounds like yours has/is. I would point out how I had improved and how I deserve credit for that and I would also acknowledge how much I loved him and the fact that he was supporting me through this and how much we were doing this TOGETHER to save our marriage and family. He went easier on me, supporterd me more and took notice of my improvement as well as tried harder to help me.

You can't rush this. IT takes time and I think it takes longer if things are not fully dealt with up front. IT takes a long time to sort through everything.

My H A was over 6 yrs ago but our full healing has been delayed due to denial, untruths, half truths and now C w/ OC. We're finally able to, sometimes painfully, have it ALL out in the open and work on healing completely. It's gotten way better but there are still sometimes "issues", the trick is to discover the skills to deal with the setbacks, triggers, upheavels, weaknesses ect.

You guys can do it. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Every day is a new opportunity to remind each other how much you love each other and start over.

I hope this helps you a bit.

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What you are experiencing is standard issue "first 18 month nightmare after D-day" syndrome. I am not making light of this in the least. The hurt and cruelty you are experiencing is something that most of us experience the first year with our wayward spouses. Their inability to show the proper remorse stems from the fear that the damage they have caused is irrepairable and can never be fixed. Once they know they have been forgiven and that the marriage can and will recover and that you are willing to stick with them through this, they can face themselves and what they have done. Recovery begins.

Plan B is an effective means to protect whatever love you have remaining for your spouse while giving him the opportnuity to see what life would be like without you.

I know those feelings of "ending it all". The despair alone seems to crush the life out of your spirit. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable, you can hardly breathe. Just remember if you hang in there long enough, everything will change and improve because there is nowhere to go from here but UP.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Wait it out and don't do anything that will bring more heartache to your kids or the people that love you. Things will get better.

God bless, stay strong and work the Plans.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ December 26, 2003, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

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Fortheboys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ,

This is a long one but I want you to know that you are not alone.
I can totally relate and you have every right to be angry and feel despair!!! Like everyone said before your feelings are very normal. Guess what we had the same plans for Christmas, mine was also horrible. All communication stopped in our home before we could sit down for Christmas breakfast.

Holidays are to be enjoyed by all, right? Yea right, you have every right to feel the way you do including during the holidays and so do I. I’m sure we weren’t the only ones going though a hard time during Christmas or it won’t be any easier for New Years. It’s what you want it to be. You have every right to feel the way you do I know I do. This year was the first year without a Christmas tree or decorations. I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas spirit; it’s for the kids, right? Well, I tried and I tried but I couldn’t find it in my heart to go through Christmas. My son is 15yrs old and never questioned why we didn’t have a Christmas tree and our other son who is 3 ½ didn’t know the difference. He just knew Santa was coming to bring gifts.

I also hear what your saying about your h telling you he is sorry and it doesn’t seem to be enough. Let me tell you I felt the exact same way when my h said he was sorry, it wasn’t sincere enough for me, it didn’t mean anything to me. After all this was the same person who cheated on me and why should I believe him? Well, it’s been almost 6 months since d-day and our first MC session was last week Tuesday. In MC my husband finally broke down and turned to me and asked me to forgive him as he had tears rolling down his eyes and told me that he hated the fact that he put his family through so much pain and anger. Right then and there I knew it was sincere. It took my husband to go to MC to tell me this; he felt it was a safe and truthful place to really let me know how he feels. We are in the beginning stages of MC but the first sessions was very powerful for the both of us, I could see right there and then the hurt my h was also feeling for letting his family down.

I’m sure your h is sorry for what he did. Have you considered MC? I know your see a Therapist but what about a MC? My h thoughts on MC were yea right I’m to Macho for that crap. Well when I filed for divorce who was feeling not so Macho anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ? I know he wasn’t. He was the one who called and made the appointment. I went from filing a separation, and then it turned into a divorce now we are both in MC. I made it clear to my h that I will not drop the divorce even though we are in MC. I still have a lot of hurt and hate towards my h. I know the same feelings that you are going through: How to trust again, how do I stop becoming angry, how can I feel secure in my marriage, my mind is like a hamster turning in the wheel. There’s no instant miracle to shut your memory off of this horrible act that your h or mine has put into our hearts. Time does heal, some quicker than others but the memories never leave. We can learn to forgive when the time is right and thus will allow you to move on with or without your h.

All Betrayed spouses share the same experience of betrayal, everyone’s story is similar, and everyone handles their situation differently to a point. I can guarantee that your feelings of pain, betrayal, unhappiness, not wanting to live are all very normal and I also have had those same feelings too. You do have a safe place, that place is with your children, and you must find it in your heart to stay strong for yourself to take care of your children.

Keep taking your meds and keep talking with your Therapist. You are note alone in this we are here for you and to help one another to overcome this trauma. It might not seem really because we are not face-to-face but we are all in here (I see you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) It doesn’t seem fair that the loneliness has taken your heart but please continue to post as you have done so. Keep your head up and take it day by day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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I don't have time to write right now - I have to walk out the door in a few minutes. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to post to me, I am crying just reading the love and support from everyone. I will post later tonight when I get home, but I wanted to say how much it means to me to hear from so many people. I wish I could get together with you all and have a drink and get a big hug, but I guess my computer will have to do. Will be back later...

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Well, I just wrote a long post responding to each one of you, and then deleted it before I could post it on here. I guess I am tired. Too tired to write it all again - will be back on again soon to respond. Thanks to each and every one of you - you have all given me wonderful words of support and given me a lot to think about. I wish you all lived around the corner so I could really talk face to face. One of the worst things about this situation is how lonely is has made me - I know none of my friend would understand because I had no idea that I could possibly feel this bad until I went through this.

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Fortheboys,
I haven't posted here in a long time, but today i needed someone to hear me and get someone else's opinion.
i know exactly how you feel. It has gotten worse in the last couple of weeks. Let me give you alittle history. D-day for me was 2/14/2001, OC was born 7/01. H and I have done the counseling thing,we've gone to court,pay CS, and have our visition. OC was 1 1/2yo, when visitation started, my C from previous marriage were 16,18,25. All of us have mamaged to come to terms with it all. My childern and I,also my sisters, have welcomed OC into our homes and hearts.
about 7 months or more our finances were heading towards rockbottom,and in september we hit the bottom. our house was forclosed on. that really got the both of us,H & I thinking.is there a reason for us to stay together,mostly on H's part. we worked together to get our things moved to a storage shed, i moved into an apartment with my youngest, and H moved into the basement of a good friend's son.We still talk to each other everyday,and for awhile we still went together to pickup OC,and we all spended the weekends together.Well it got to hard for me,i needed and wanted my H to come home and live together as H&W again.So i stopped going with H to se OC.But they still came by,and i always welcomed them with open arms full of love.
Well all H-ll broke,about two weeks ago.OW has always called and left nasty messages,saying she doesn't want to cause any more trouble for H, so he better call her asap.this time she said something about them being together.the next morning H & I sat down and talk alittle, he confessed he has been seeing OW again and it has been going on for a long time(stupid me)but he said he has completely broken it off with her, the only time he'll see her is when he picks up OC,but that didn't work cause it was at her place not at a public place like it is suppose to be.
Well anyway X-mas eve, he spent it at his M & F place like every year,i stay home by myself,my youngest went to the boyfriends home to spend it with them,no big deal, i cleaned cause H was coming over after his folk's house. which he did and we made wonderful love together. X-mas morning he left around 10, to go get clean clothes and to pickup OC at 1pm. when he left i told him i'll have dinner done around 4or5. my D went with her BF,to his aunts house, so alone again, i napped and started dinner. around 2pm i started calling H,he should of been here by now. well, no answer, i paged, no answer,i called his M & D's they haven't seen or heard from H.i kept calling,i even called OW's,but i didn't have the nerve to say anything. I just knew he was with her doing that family thing and yuo know whatelse.so around 530, i took OC's x-mas gifts to his M&D,and said make sure OC gets these,and i handed my wedding rings to his mom,and told her to tell H,i'll see him in divorcecourt and left.
around 730,OW calles and said"ask your H where we just did it." i didn't say a word i just hung up. she calls back 5 minutes later,this time i let the machine pick it up, then again in another 5 min. well i listen to her message, she gets very nasty and then says," oh by the way, did H tell you I'm pregnant again". well my heart just sank, i wanted to kill him and her.I still couldn't get hold of him,i called everywhere.then i called and spoke to a very good friend of ours, he has always given me good advise and he has a way of making me feel better about myself,it's not me, it's H,he has become a lowlife like OW,they are both trash.(TRUE)he told me to do what i needed to do, take care of myself and my own,my childern and also my grandson(18months old),told me to calm down and wait a day or two to see H,cause he knows i would harm the man and probably end upin jail.that what i planned, well laying there in bed feeling sorry for myself wasn't helping. so i got up and dressed,i was going to find him and talk to him.I figured he'll be at a brother or sisters house or his m&d,well that's where he was at m&d's. i did not go up to the door,but i called and asked his mom to ask him to come outside.he did we talked,at that time it was over for good, i told him the next day i will bring everything that belonged to him & OC, along with things from our wedding so he could pick out what he wanted.I dropped them off, we talked alittle. he said he'll go thru the wedding stuff later, but i made him go thru the album,cuz i didn't want to come back there again for it. well it really tore him up looking at those picture,he started crying and said he is so very sorry for killing our wonderful marriage. it broke my heart to see him that way, but also i was glad to see him that way. He also said if there was any chase for us, he wanted to try,i dai there was no way in hell. then t left. later that evening,he was going to his M&D,so OC could open her gifts. I decided i wanted to be there to see it,beside i'm the one who bought all of them, i wanted to see OC face,happy and excited.so i called H, told him what i wanted and he said he would love to have me there. he called when he got there and said it was alright for me to come over,I want to make sure his M&D didn't mind. wellthe evening went great,i thanked his mom for letting me come over, she said there was no need for thanks,cuz this is where i belong,i'm family.
sorry i'm rambling on, so quick to the end,we spent yesterday together and also the evening at his mom's home, not the night, but H and OC are coming over for breakfast and spend the day here. and when he takes OC back tonight we are going to talk.also while at his mom's,OW kept calling, and i heard for myself, he told her there was no way in H-ll he will every be with her again, and hopefully things can work out with his marriage. he'll do his part,pay CS and see OC when the court has ordered.and if that doesn't work,he'll go back to court to get worked out.
i will let you know how our talk goes, but fortheboys, hang in there,sometimes there is hope and someone always has it worse then you.

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<small>[ December 30, 2003, 01:03 AM: Message edited by: Cheryls ]</small>


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