You wrote on another thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One day this man fears the other child will come looking for answers. The other woman has made it clear she will tell this child how to contact him. This child could be 8 or 18 when she comes looking for answers.

This man would have a very hard time rejecting the child or adult to its face or even on the phone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was not sure you would see this reply so I decided to write directly to you. What you described above happened to my husband. I wanted to share how he and I handled that situation because it is a bit different from the others.

When OC was born, my H and I started having contact. For a variety of reasons that I won't go into right now, we stopped having contact when the child was about one year old. Like the woman you described, her mother told her about her father, including all of his contact information - phone numbers, addresses, etc.

At 8 years old, she wanted to know from my H why she was different. Why he did not see her and why she did not have a father. At that point, my H started seeing the child without telling me.

When I found out, I was, of course, upset because he did not tell me the truth. And, we fought for a while like the original D-day because I felt that he had once again betrayed my trust.

But, after we talked openly, I discovered that he had NO desire to get involved with the ex-OW. His only desire was to love his child. At that point, I agreed that we should try contact again. He did everything in his power to reassure me that his contact was only about the child. He loved his child and I would have been surprised if he had felt any other way. But, honestly, he felt that "no contact" was needed to save the marriage -- and it was at that time.

But, as the marriage grew stronger again, it was possible for us to re-consider the agreements and decisions that we made. We had to stop contact about two years ago, but we are actively seeking it again and I expect that this time it will be permanent.

Every case is different and those who favour No Contact have told their story. Contact is possible and can work out if you (a) make your wife very secure in the marriage; (b) let her know that your role of parent is all that you are seeking, not a renewed relationship with the mother; and (c) make your wife a full partner in the contact with all decisions being made by the two of you.

My H admitted to me that the "no contact" decision was very difficult for him to make. He had a terrible childhood and never wanted to place a child on this earth that he could not care for. Money is not enough. Money does not satisfy the child's emotional needs. The low self-esteem of my H's daughter because her father was not in the picture was appalling. She knew she was different from other kids and she interpreted that as not being "good enough".

Some people have actually told me that her mother sentenced her to a "substandard life" for having an affair with a married man. My reply to that is -- like it or not -- my H (who by the way promised before God to forsake all others) was also a party to that sentencing. He helped to make this horrid situation and he should also help to make it better.

Follow your heart and your own mind. Be open with your wife after you have given time for the marriage to heal. Some women have amazing powers of forgiveness provided their husband's create that secure space for their marriage again. My H told me that while he was having "no contact" there was not a day that went by that he did not have a thought about the OC. He had been afraid that telling me that might hurt me and so he kept it to himself and he said the things that he thought I wanted to hear.

Unfortunately, many of the women who feel the way I do no longer post here because others have made them feel their views are not welcome. I don't intend to stop sharing my experiences and you can bet that this experience has been shared by countless others out there.

If your heart is telling you that sometime in the future you may wish to re-visit your "no contact" decision, then keep your mind open. Just be honest with your wife and share your feelings with her. To take actions without her knowledge would be further betrayal for her.

I wish you all the best in figuring out your future.

heavenly

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: heavenlybody26 ]</small>