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Joined: Jul 2003
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It has been almost a year and I am still so angry, at my H, OW, and at the fact that OC even exists. The situation just seems to much to deal with sometimes. Our children and family don't know, and I can't imagine telling my kids and having to deal with their pain too. I am so angry at my H for making our marriage so complicated, and I am so angry at OW for having this child. I know it is not only her fault, but it was the one time they didn't use a condom. She could have gone to GYN the next day and gotten the morning after pill if she didn't want to get preg like she claims - it is legal in her state and it is not abortion - it prevents implantation and pregnancy. She could have had an abortion like my H wanted. But she gave him and us no choice in dealing with this. Now he is tied to her forever and I can't stand the thought of that. I hate that he sends her $ - I think it was soley her choice to keep this child and she should then have to support it. I hate that my H doesn't hate her for keeping the child. I hate that he and my children will probably one day have a relationship with this child, who is not mine. Jealousy, I know, but I still feel it. Has anyone ever left and just started over and been happy? Unfortunately, the pain from all of this will still be there, but I don't think I can deal with wathcing my H have a relationship with this child and having the OW in my life, no matter how little it is. I know the child is innocent, but so am I and so are my children. Why should I carry the burden of all this pain. I think that I might be able to deal with the affair if there was no child, because then there could be an end, but there will never be an end. How do you all go on every day with this. I read so much pain here, and I really don't think I will ever be able to deal with this child. I have never felt hate in my life, but I do now. This has brought out the worst in me - anger and hatred. She had no right to keep that child and ruin my life. How do you find peace? Are you ever happy again? Has anyone found happiness with someone else - has is been worth leaving? I want a simple love again, although now I am forced to bring baggage into a relationship too that I didn't even cause. Please don't tell me time will make it better, because it is getting worse with time.

Joined: Oct 2001
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4tbs,,,,,,,,, your keeping this a secret is probably working to your detrament. you are hiding this all inside and it is just festering like an open infected wound.

you need to try and find a very close friend, clergyman, family member or someone that you can use for support and confide in. it will help you immensly to to to vent with someone.

in answer to your question i would have to say, yes. there are probably many who have moved on and built a very happy life away from this mess we find ourselves in. you may not find many on this site as it is more for those who wish to rebuild their marriages. i am not saying for you to leave but you may want to research other websites also to find one that deals with people who have moved on with their lives and left this baggage behind if you think that is the answer for you.

how do i deal with my w's A and oc?

i understand that she is human and not perfect

i understand that although she has sinned, in God's eyes there is no difference in sin. so since i may have never had an A i to have sinned and she didn't leave me

i understand that although a bad display of character, this was not in the character of the woman i married some 24 years ago and met 30 years ago

i understand that, not excusing her choices, i had some responsibility in this also.

i understand that i still love my w and always have

i understand that i can't dwell on the negative so i look for some positives

i understand that i can't hang on to the anger as it will eat you up inside

i understand that there are more people involved then just me and her and sometimes you have to swallow a little crow to do what is best for the rest. there are a lot of innocents involved

i understand that even though i asked early on, she is the mother of six and was not able to give up her child

i understand that i was blessed with a tremendous amount of support from family and friends

i understand that i don't have to carry her quilt, i share it

i understand forgiveness

Joined: Nov 2000
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fortheboys I lost my post to you! YIKEES! I hate that.

You are on target from my point of view on all you feel!

Do you and H counsel? Do you discuss your feelings with him?

I'm short on time but can let you know if your H is remorseful and doing things to help you recover then thses too shall pass. I promise you will see sunny days again with you H's help.

Sorry reply is short....Prayers...

love
Debi

Joined: Jul 2003
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Thanks for the responses. POPS, I have followed your situation and want to say thanks first for the great advice - you always give good advice and seem to have it all together. You seem to have forgiven your spouse, but in some ways I feel like you are fortunate to be able to actually be a father to the OC and love and be loved back. You are able to share in the relationship. I feel like I will always be an outsider. This child has a mother, and because she lives with her and they live very far away, if we ever have contact it will be limited. She will want a relationship with my H and my children, but I will feel left out and hurt once again - I don't think I could handle that. If the child was living in my house and I was acting as its mother it would be a different story, because I would be allowed to develop a relationship too and the child would grow up loving me as well. It is a relationship I feel that my H should not have, because it is a way for the OW to stay connected to him for life and a way to hurt me forever.
GEM - We have been in counseling on and off, but mostly I have been in counseling by myself. Nothing seems to help me with my anger. We need to start counseling together again to get through this, but I don't know if I can deal with the fact that this child EXISTS. There is nothing anyone can do about that. I don't want to share my H or my children with another woman or another child.

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fortheboys,
The "anger" stage is just one part of dealing with grief. Eventually you will come to the "acceptance" stage I assure you.

By year 1, H and I already had tried contact. It was against my better judgement because of how angry ow still was that H was back home with me. It certainly delayed repairing our relationship and we both look back today and see that.

I hope you two work on yourselves first before anything further causes disruption, anger, or resentment.

I have felt and said everything you are saying, believe that!

It took a great seal of counseling and deep talks together to start to turn our lives around.

The messages Steve Harley gives here were invaluable to help my H understand me and how a BS may be feeling with an A that produces an oc. I printed many of Steves letters and gave them to my H along with many of my own, of course ow was sending letters too, so this is a hard thing to begin to heal from.

Practically one week from our 1 year d-day, we were celebrating our son's wedding together. I think back and wonder how on earth I planned the wedding in the midst of my biggest life crisis!

I do think that also helped seal us together, you know?

Hey, anger is natural. Just pray and talk...in that order. To this day, prayer is my personal salvation.

You must come up with some kind of policy of joint agreement together! H must stick to it. By applying the honesty policy, you will soon come to an agreement. One step at a time. ok?

On a last note, I took antidepressants short term and it helped smooth the rough edges of the crisis....

Prayers for peace.

love
Debi

Joined: Oct 2002
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Fortheboys,

First I am so sorry for your pain. I want to tell you my story...

My H of 21 years (at the time of D-day)had a short affair that resulted in OC being born. I did not know of A never mind OC, I found out on the same day. He is such a coward he never could tell me, so he had a secret life for 3 years. When I found out the OC was 18 Months old and it was a girl, he had already bonded with her. He could not give her up and because our children were older and this childs life was not the best he felt she needed him.

So all decisions were made before I was even in the picture. Ouch!! I either had to except her or not. It was the worst time in my life. I never thought he could do something like that to me. We were very happy and never argued and we looking forward to our time since our children were becoming adults.

He never showed any signs of not loving me (I have racked my brain looking for signs I might have missed) thats what hurts because he lead me to believe we would grow old together. I know he truly loves me but his choices have consequences and he ripped my heart out.

I found out in Oct. of 2002 and I kept it from everyone until Feb. of 2003. I went to IC was put on anti-depressants and the whole time my H wanted to work on our marriage. We decided together that he would not see his child until we could get our selfs together first. He lead me to believe that he wanted that and not seeing his child was not a problem. Know I see that's what I wanted to hear because I checked his cell and over 50 calls were made to ow he said to check on his child.

I kicked him out when he got home and that was March 1. At that point I had to tell everyone and it was not pretty. He went in hiding for 3 months and no one knew where he was (he was ashamed). He since has moved in with his sister and lives in her basement. They have all excepted this oc in their lives and never connected my boys. They feel that they will come around eventually. I do agree to a point but to never even call or talk to them since March. The boys hate their father and don't respect him, it's very hard to see.

I was not perfect in the beginning and they saw the pain I was in (hard to hide) so I'm sure that didn't help their relationship. I am proceeding with a D just because of all the reasons you stated and more but no one wins. Everyone loses!

I am still jealous of his OC and I hope time heals that. She goes to all the family gathering and my boys don't, I want to scream but in reality what else can they do. She is an innocent person and I do feel for her but she is not my responsibilty. I can't fix this mess. I go to a support group and exercise to try to busy my mind but the pain is awful. I know what they mean when they say "Heartache". It really does ache!

I know what I have to say might not help you but I want you to know you are not alone! D might help but it might not and I have been dealing with this for about 15 months and I still struggle so D isn't going to make the pain go away. I so understand everything you said because I could have written the same thing. I just really want you to think about any decision because there is not quick way out or cure. I know you hate to hear the time word (don't we all) but there is alot of truth to it.

Everyone here has great advise and I would listen to their words because they know. Stay strong and you are not alone in your thoughts.

LJ

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gem,,,,,, interesring time line between your h's A and your son's wedding. our d was married in march 02 just 1 year and 3weeks after fh started her A.

4tbs,,,,,, this story doesn't have the emotional trama of an A but it is similar in the fact that fh had to deal with feeling like an outsider with my oldst son.

he was concieved about 6 months prior to my meeting fh. i had already broken off the relationship with his mother.

although she was not an ow she most definately was a huge distraction from our relationship. she wanted me back in her life at all costs. she never wanted fh around her son and would talk very negatively about her when he was with her.

i on the other hand just kept on including fh in our life and always refered to her as mom with him. i was not trying to replace his mom with fh and made that very clear to him but also explained things such as respect for fh to him.

your h can be a great asset in helping you to over come this insecurity.

thank you for the kind words about having it altogether. let me reassure you that there are many times when i still feel i am on the edge. the one thing i refuse to do though is lose. i simply refuse to let this beat me. i am a little farther down the road then you are but even when this was fresh in my life i found ways to actually laugh about the whole situation. i know that sounds sick and demented but it i true.

i think i did have an advantage over most there though. i had another wife (a guy that was working with me everyday) and he would tell jokes with me and we would make up stupid scenerios about how this could all turn out. we would then turn around in the next breath and talk about what i needed to do legally to protect myself.

also even though i felt embarrassed about heading for a divorce, because i really saw no way out except that, i had no problems talking to other people about it.

the point again being that you really need to find someone to talk with about this. even 2,3 or 4 people. you are killing yourself by hiding this inside yourself. you need to trust those around you (family and good friends) and let them hold you up with their strength. it will ne a much needed rest for you to lean on them for awhile. that is why you consider them friends because they are there for you not only in good times but in bad.

don't get me wrong. this place is also a must to have a place to vent and ask questions nad voice your views. but ther is nothing like the strength you feel from looking into a compassionate pair of eyes of someone that will laugh and cry with you.

keep holding on you are much stronger then you realize. you have been thru the fire storm now and things will start to fall in place for you.

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(((fortheboys)))

I have read so many posts and wondered myself what it is that keep the BS's going. I know that this is little consolation for the pain that you are feeling, but to me, a woman who is just over a month after D-Day, you seem very strong to me. At this moment in time, I cannot fathom being able to get through our impending separation, much less what I will feel in a year. To see that you have already been through what I am dreading does give me some hope, so you keep your chin up, okay?

Best Wishes to You,
Blue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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My H and I just had our 30th wedding aniversary, an anniversary I wasn't sure I would see 11 years ago. We have survived the A and the OC.
However, we have had no contact the full time.
Part of our recovery was the time when my H told me he wished he could go back and undo his actions that led to his A. If he could have made the right choices and we wouldn't have had an OW/OC situation.
One clue I had was he told me he loved me, but he wasn't "in love" with me. Always interesting when they can say that, don't you think?
Well I didn't want to say too much for now, but you can get past this, but it isn't always easy. However the way I see our children now and how they would have been impacted if we had divorced made me glad we persevered.
When he curls up around me at night, whispers "I love you" in my ear, tells me we have made it.
Good luck
Texasgirl

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hey pops,
just a little reminder, you met me when your oldest sons mother was only a month pregnant--remember?? she was wearing maternity clothes and not even showing. sorry she still bugs me after all these years....ijust like getting things correct.
full house


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