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#825175 01/06/04 11:31 PM
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well here's my wonderful life story DDay 12/14/03 my H of 14mo together 8yrs tells me he had a one night stand 4 mo's before we got married and now has oc w/ow 7mo's old which he has had contact w/oc since birth and has been leading this secret life! I was absolutely devastated not only to the fact that he cheated on me but now has a child w/someone other than me. We do not have any children and have been trying for over a year w/no success which now devastates me even more. He tells me it happened only 1 time and he's so sorry and wants us to stay together. I just really don't know how to deal w/this I feel like I don't even know this man i married.I don't want to leave him but sometimes I think how can I stay and deal w/oc in my life. My mind is going in a million different directions. I love this man w/all my heart and soul and really didn't know how it felt to be stabbed in my heart until DDAY. now i'm just letting God guide me through. I feel like a weak person for staying like if i'm telling him it's ok what he did. I really need some advice

#825176 01/07/04 10:12 AM
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So sorry you are feeling the pain you are. I know, it feels like there is a knife embedded in your heart and you can't pull it out. It is there and is constatntly being twisted and pushed in deeper. You wonder how much pain you can take. I remember thinking about wondering if I walked out in front of a car or a train how much it would hurt before I died, but I didn't do anything like that. I had too much to live for.
So that said, to me you are in a better place than some, because if I read your post correctly, your H wants to stay with YOU. He loves you and you love him. So find a counselor who is pro-marriage and do the work you need to do.
The biggest stumbling block is the OC and how you together will deal with the OC situation.
WE chose NC, my H has had no time with his OC, he just pays support. We did have documentation drawn up and he could have visitation but chose not to do so. That is your choice. However, he should take your feelings into consideration.
Look to hear from Stacia, her experience is close to yours and has had a good ending. Read her posts.
Good luck. Stay strong, you can overcome this, and by doing so you will learn you have strengths you never realised you had.

TG

#825177 01/07/04 10:18 AM
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Dear Hrtbrkn

I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. But, you have come to the right place. You'll find a lot of advice, support and comfort here.

You aren't even a month out of D-Day yet, Hrtbrkn...what you are going through now is the worst you are going to feel so now there is nowhere to go but up.

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. And affair is bad enough, but to include an OC into the mix "squares" the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

The stages you will experience over the next year will be confusing because you will go from profound grief to outrage to denial and back again. The stages will shift around and until you get through the grieving part of it and settle into a kind of acceptance where you will be able to think more clearly and finally make some decisions.

The first thing you need to do is begin by reading everything you can on this site and learn the Harley methods of marital recovery. If your husband is sincere and determined to make this marriage work, then he should begin reading all the material available to rebuild the marriage. Whether or not he embraces this program of recovery, it is important for you to do so just for your own personal recovery from such a devastating blow such as this.

The Harley principles and methods are very effective for marital recovery and for personal recovery. And there are two schools of thought regarding your particular situation where the marriage is relatively new and there are no children from the marriage. I know that being together for 8 years makes this situation more difficult because you have built a history together. If you don't feel you have enough invested in this marriage to do all the hard work to rebuild it, then it is suggested to consider leaving the marriage and moving on. This would allow you to cut your losses while you are still young and rebuild your life and give your hsuband the opportunity to raise his child full time, if it is too much for you to bear.

If you decide the marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild, then learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire that you and your husband should fill out and then discuss together. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work).

The Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection along with the Policy for Joint Agreement will help your marriage recovery.

While you are in so much turmoil, you should not make any drastic decisions about anything. Let everything settle down for a while and after you feel you have calmed down enough to think clearly, you can consider some decisions.

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the Betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. I am five years into this and there have been at least three or four times in the last year where I just stopped and wondered how all this could have happened to me. But, I know I am on the other side of this because instead of making me cry and obsessing over it, I just sighed and shook my head. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be in agonizing over all this, but you will get through this even if you decide to stay in the marriage as long as your husband works the recovery.

One of our members has a list of books that are very helpful to read right after D-Day and will probably be along soon. Others will be along to offer insight as well. Just know you are not alone and that recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. It will get better.

God bless

Catnip =^^=

#825178 01/07/04 03:16 PM
Joined: Dec 2003
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I really have no words of wisdom, other than to assure you that you are not alone. My D-Day was exactly one month ago today. I thought my world was crashing. One month later, I am at least functioning. When I am overcome with my thoughts and feelings, I remind myself that they will get better with time and I look at how I felt just one month ago.

This place helps a lot, I don't post a lot, but I sure read a bunch!!!

I am sorry for your pain!

#825179 01/07/04 07:39 PM
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Dear Hart,

Your post and the replies you have received from Texasgirl and Catnip are so familiar. We have all been where you are. For the months that followed D-Day I felt like I had been hit by a truck and just smashed into pieces.

There were days when I would go into work and find myself sitting in the ladies' room crying what was left of my heart out.

Your feelings are so normal and also necessary for recovery. What you are suffering is like the death of the marriage that you thought you had and the partner you thought you knew. You should let yourself grieve for what you have lost. But please do not put this burden on yourself.

You are not weak for wanting to save your marriage. The easy way is to let it go and throw it away. Fighting to restore your marriage will be hard work. But most of us on this site can tell you that as long as you and your H both want it, you can restore your marriage. And like Texasgirl said, you will find out you are so much stronger than you know.

Listen to Catnip's advice -- read, read, read -- everything on this site about the Harley principles and books from the library and/or bookstores about restoring and rebuilding relationships. Post your frustrations on this site instead of taking them out on your H. And, please don't make any quick decisions.

This is a time for you and your H to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other and to find out where your hearts are truly telling you to go.

I am three years past D-Day and this site was one of the things that saved me. It is heartbreaking to know that so many women and men share this problem, but at the same time, it gives you hope that recovery is possible. You will learn to laugh again, love with your whole heart again, and trust again. But, it will take time and effort.

Mistakes are part of life -- everyone makes them. If your H is committed to making the marriage the safe place for you both that it once was, then you can move forward.

There are wonderful and caring people on this site. Keep posting and draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it, and those that are travelling that same road with you.

You will be in my prayers,
love,
heavenly


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