My live-in 2 yr boyfriend has 3 wonderful daughters w/ which I have a positive and healthy relationship. The two youngest 11, 13 were born while he was cheating on his exwife (emotionally detatched, fatherless, and in life long depressed state, although professionally successful) with a girlfriend (do not know her) of 3 years. I do not fear that he would cheat on me... we are close and cooperative, really super partners in bed and in life, we can even wall-paper together!... and besides I am 15 yrs his younger and constantly pursued by other men... he feels he is lucky that I want him so much. We are solid except for one thing...... I CAN"T SWALLOW THE FACT THAT HE COULD HAVE DONE THIS TO HIS LOVER, HIS WIFE AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HIS DAUGHTERS!!!! Why would you bring a child into a family like that? The kids know about the affair but they don't know it was during their birth and early childhood. I am faced now with deciding whether I can accept this past of his and commit to a life-long relationship, or wish him, and the kids much well, and be on my way. Comments?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jacqi:
<strong> My live-in 2 yr boyfriend has 3 wonderful daughters w/ which I have a positive and healthy relationship. The two youngest 11, 13 were born while he was cheating on his exwife (emotionally detatched, fatherless, and in life long depressed state, although professionally successful) with a girlfriend (do not know her) of 3 years.

=^^= Who is emotionally detached, fatherless, in a life long depressed state and professionally successful? Your BF or his W or his GF?

Who is the mother to these daughters? His W or his GF? Answering these questions will help us deliver better advice.

we can even wall-paper together!

=^^= Well, hey! That's everything!

... and besides I am 15 yrs his younger and constantly pursued by other men... he feels he is lucky that I want him so much.

=^^= Well, then, until you hit 60 and bag out, you're probably safe if his only criteria for being faithful to a mate is how she looks and her demand on the open market.

We are solid except for one thing...... I CAN"T SWALLOW THE FACT THAT HE COULD HAVE DONE THIS TO HIS LOVER, HIS WIFE AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HIS DAUGHTERS!!!!

=^^= Welcome to the ugly underbelly of dysfunctional families.

Why would you bring a child into a family like that?

=^^= Bringing a child into something like this is usually never intentional (unless calculated for financial reasons)...pregnancy usually happens in this case when people are irresposible and self absorbed.

The kids know about the affair but they don't know it was during their birth and early childhood.

=^^= And it is none of their business. That's grown up stuff and unless there is an OC (other child not born of the marriage), it shouldn't be brought to light because their peace, happiness and innocence will be crushed needlessly.

I am faced now with deciding whether I can accept this past of his and commit to a life-long relationship, or wish him, and the kids much well, and be on my way. Comments?

=^^= Personally, depending on how long you two have been together and how much history you have developed, you should know by now what kind of man he is. If he is of questionable moral fiber or if he commited a horrible breach of trust when he was young and stupid, these are thigns to take into consideration. We all err as humans, but if we are not remorseful or refuse to make amends, then we are likely to repeat the crime. You have to determine what he is capable of or if he has grown and evolved into someone worthy and with integrity. What do YOU think?

Catnip =^^=
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<small>[ January 25, 2004, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Ok, Sorry , here are more details...

All children are of his and his ex-wifes, none outside of marraige.

The relationship with his exwife started in grad school, where they were both so absorbed in studies that they didnt provide proper foundation for their marraige, which occurred even before they finished school.... Most importantly in its demise this was first major relationship for both.

He wanted to have more children (those born by his wife during his affair) because he had (and still has) a very close and supportive relationship with his first daughter (this is not exclusinve.... his children all tell me how much they love their father and how fair he is in loving them all equally in return). She, first child, was a very intelligent child and she and her father were able to develop a close relationship that was emotional and intellectual. He enjoyed parenting, and thought that even if the adult relationship in his life was nonexistent (see below) he could at least enjoy being a father (he is a good father, I say that objectively).

Exwife...... she was clinically depressed, raised by her grandmother while her clinically depressed mother prayed all day. Exwife's father was kicked out of house and never spoken to again when exwife was child.

Relationship with exwife....... early on in the marraige, things were not good... she did not enjoy sex, said it was too much of a suprise and wanted to plan times when it could occur.... she didnt show up for scheduled sex occassions.... she was also emotionally pretty much dead.... she was unwilling to talk through even unemotional and everyday problems, which is still a problem even with the divorve... (as an aside, my BF and I are often the ones supporting the kids emotionally and keeping on them about being the best people they can be)..........my current BF, her then H, tried to peice things together but she was unreponsive....after trying again and again, he says he gave up on the emotional and most of the physical parts of the marraige (ex: sex occurred about once a month, oldest daughter would often ask friends if their parents hugged each other because she never saw ther parents do that). He dedicated his life to being a father in his marraige, not a partner or a lover.

If it helps paint better pixr, oldest daughter is now in counseling because when she was a child her mother, the exwife, emotionally neglected her and favored (in some very obvious ways which are still occurring) the middle child (now 13). I met oldest daughter when her father and I picked her up from the hospital after she had swallowed 3/4 a bottle of Advil. She is unstable from rejection by mother, but definitely on course to recovery with lots of love from Dad, myself, and friends, and REALLY great doctor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jacqi:
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All children are of his and his ex-wifes, none outside of marraige.

=^^= Then Dad's affair does not have to be picked apart and scrutinized because by doing so would just cause the daughters needless angst. Besides, it really is none of their business. Some things can be analyzed to death to the detriment of children. Too much information can and does rob children of their childhood, teen years etc.

his children all tell me how much they love their father and how fair he is in loving them all equally in return).

=^^= If Dad and daughters are mutually crazy about each other, that's half the battle. He sounds like a good Dad. And it sounds like you are looking too deeply into the dynamics of everything when little of it matters anymore. Whatever the daughters are going through, it could be just age and stage (pre-teen and teen drama queens) or if it is something more serious, then Dad's intervention is required.

He enjoyed parenting, and thought that even if the adult relationship in his life was nonexistent (see below) he could at least enjoy being a father (he is a good father, I say that objectively).

=^^= I'd say "mission accomplished"

Exwife...... she was clinically depressed, He dedicated his life to being a father in his marraige, not a partner or a lover.

=^^= That's too bad...how long have they been divorced?

oldest daughter is now in counseling because when she was a child her mother, the exwife, emotionally neglected her and favored (in some very obvious ways which are still occurring) the middle child (now 13). I met oldest daughter when her father and I picked her up from the hospital after she had swallowed 3/4 a bottle of Advil. She is unstable from rejection by mother, but definitely on course to recovery with lots of love from Dad, myself, and friends, and REALLY great doctor.

=^^= Poor kid. Well, it sound slike she has an excellent support system. Perhaps when she is older and understands her mother's illness, she will not take it so personally...which will be difficult, but at least if she understands intellectually that her mom is not well, it makes things a tad easier. Rejection is devastating for anyone to overcome, espeically children.

It sounds like you are very, very immersed in this family and that you might be a little too preoccupied with the "whys" of your BF's infidelity with his wife when the "whys" are kind of obvious (although not right). If he would have been stronger or more in touch, perhaps he could have spent his energies helping her rather than running to someone else. That being said, all of us here on MB could say the same thing about our own marriages...if only they (WS) would have directed their energies towards their spouses and the marriage rather than running to someone else when times got tough, none of us would be here today. (sigh)

If he is a stand-up guy and has learned from life's peaks and valleys and has learned better coping skills, then my guess is that he might not be such a bad guy to be with. I think you should let go of his infidelity with his wife and not let that preoccupy you now (unless this is recent history or unless he was a serial cheater) and I hope you never reveal the nasty details of his affair to his daughters because they don't need ot live with that burden. They know too much already.

Good luck in your relationship with this man. I hope it works out for you. You sound like you're already a pretty caring stepmom figure in these girls' lives and you may be doing them a lot of good by making up for some of the XW's shortcomings.

Catnip =^^=
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<small>[ January 25, 2004, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Catnip,

Thanks for support..... I pledge NEVER to reveal the details of dad's affair to the kids, esp. given what oldest is going through now. She is a very investigative personality though and has asked many questions of her father, her mother, and myself. She is denying the rejection by mom, which makes my position difficult when she asks me what I think about her mom, or when she grabs on to details about her mother and exaggerates their goodness..... but maybe this is part of the healing process, and until the healing is totally complete, and probably even afterwards, I will choose my words wisely for her sake.

Jacqi,

Perhaps it would be wise to steer some of those more difficult questions from the daughter to her counselor.

"Gee Hon, I don't know. What do YOU think? Have you discussed this with your counselor? This may be a good topic to bring up with your counsleor during your next session."

This takes you out of the middle, allows her to rethink her question, and gives her a topic to discuss with professional guidance.

As for your BF? Gosh, I think I'd be watching and listening VERY carefully. You have to remember,,you probably have his history as he has recited it to you--HIS perception. Many spouses have the tendency to "rewrite" their history to justify their actions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And, we were ALL perfectly sure our spouses WOULD NEVER cheat on us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

One last thing then I REALLY have to study.

My husband told his OW that I was responsible for the problems in our business and that I didn't know how to handle money and that I had problems with my son. The true translation to that is that my hsuband spent money ear marked for vendors and it was his expenditures/extortion from our company that caused our company's hardship and HE couldn't get along with my son because he was jealous.

So, it just goes to show you; there is HIS version, HER version and somewhere inbetween... there lies the truth.

I've read/heard from "experts":

A relationship is only as healthy as its weakest partner; and people usually pair up with people of similar emotional health as themself.

In other words, one partner may be less healthy, but the other may not be quite as healthy as you think. That could be your boyfriend and ex-W, boyfriend and you, whatever. Whatever issues led him to be in those relationships have NOT GONE AWAY unless he's had counseling.

After my DH and I married, I got 2 years of counseling for childhood issues. At the time, I thought my DH was SOOO much healthier than I. My counselor cautioned me that he had issues too, they just weren't readily apparent at that time (otherwise, why would he marry "screwed up" me--haha). Sure enough, 8-9y later is DH's A/OC, and all sorts HIS issues came out of the closet!!

It's very healthy for couples to go through pre-marital counseling (wish we had), and listen to the counselor's conclusions! [One friend ignored her priests' advice that she and fiance had no same values... 5y and 2 kids later, VERY bitter divorce, years of ugly fighting over the kids.] NO marriage is without ups and downs, but similar values and emotional health are important.

Good luck!
J, recovery 5years and glad

Just wanted to say that my H said we were having marital problems to OW, but swears he didn't go into details <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (yeah right!)
Anyway, after much talk about how he viewed me during the affair, he didn't realize that he as much a part of the problem as he thought I was. I am sure that it was conveyed to her in some way that I was a cold, unresponsive, person that no longer loved my H and that he felt our marriage was over.

I agree, you are hearing HIS perception of what she was like, what their marriage was like, and how he handled it.

NGU

I will consider that what I am hearing is his perspective, as well as the fact that both parties in the marriage brought problems to the table, I am sure! BF is very excellent at debating and sometimes I even feel like giving up when discussing issues!!! I can see how someone who is depressed and exhausted who opt out of such discussions, but I can't excuse how it has impacted the children.