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#827553 04/05/04 10:53 PM
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I've been following these forums for quite some time. I've never posted, just done a lot of reading for help and insight. I've come to a point in my life that I need feedback which is why I'm posting.

Two years ago I found out about my wife's numerous affairs. I found out about them the hard way ... I was working nights and got home at 6 AM to find her still drunk and in bed with another man, makeup running down her cheek. This image still haunts me every day. Since then I've found out that she's been having affairs with numerous people for the majority of our relationship. One of our groomsmen and bridesmaids being the toughest ones to swallow. This all went on for over four years. We only had six months of a "good" relationship prior to that. When I found out I wanted to divorce but at the same time I cared about her. I knew she was a very self-destructive person at the time. If I had left her at the time she may have committed suicide or continued on her destructive path. Because of this I continued staying with her till the time was right to call the whole thing off without her hurting herself too badly. I found another job a year ago with regular hours and tried to talk to her about divorce at that time. Mainly hoping that she was at a point to rashionly discuss the situation and move on. Unfortunately, she wasn't and I dropped the discussion soon there after. For the past two years I've been drinking daily to deal with the pain and hope that she will eventually come around. It was the only way I could feel OK with touching her or being with her. A month ago the drinking got out of control and I had sex unprotected. Now she's pregnant and I'm in this relationship I feal nothing for. I've tried to talk to her about this and it still doesn't go over well ... which is expected because of the kid on the way. Another thing complicating the matter is a woman I met at work. We hit things off immediately however we haven't slept together because of the reading I've done on how well relationships work out when you're still involved with someone else. From what I've read they just don't work out 90% of the time. I really care about her but don't want to start anything if it's not going to last. It's not fair to her. At the same time it's not fair to my wife to continue on with this loveless marriage. Granted over the past year she has found God and is finally happy with herself. However, I haven't been "in-love" with her for over six years because of the things I've suspected going on in the background and have been lied to about in the past.

I want a divorce but I don't want to leave a child in the process. I just want to be happy with myself but it just doesn't seem possible at this point.

Any help, advice, insight, would be appreciated.

#827554 04/05/04 11:15 PM
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The things you are saying are very interesting.

You are not "in love" w/ your W is what most people in A say to their spouses.

You now have a baby on the way. This is a big factor in deciding what to do in and w/ your marriage.

Why is it that you stayed w/ your W when she was a nut job and treated you like crap and now that she is normal YOU want out?

Isn't this something you would have always wanted?

Why not try to focus on your marraige, for your baby, now that W is getting her life on track?

You BOTH have potential to finally have a loving, healthy marriage AND NOW you want out? I don't get this.

I'm sorry your W has not been there for you in the past and fulfilling you and meeting all your needs. That is very sad and heart breaking. NO denying that.

If you read around on this sight, there is lots of information about meeting each others needs and about how to create and sustain a happy, satisfying and loving marriage.

If you absolutely do not want to do that, then you 2 can give the child up for adoption so that the baby can grow and thrive in a stable, healthy environment w/ a 2 parent intact home. That would be the best solution for the baby.

Was your W suffering from mental illness and did she ever get treated for it?

I understand that you may have been very hurt by your W in the past, but you knew what she was all about and you chose her anyway. You are HERE now so why not focus on making what you have GREAT instead of holding onto all the pain you have had and risking it for something you can't be sure of.

Are you getting help to stop your drinking?

I am also very proud of you and comend you for not compounding the situation by having an A. This shows that you do have some integrity and decency in you. Don't throw all that away for some big "what if"!

Look on this sight even more and you will see lots of 'success stories' about saved, recovered and thriving marriages.

Have you 2 ever gone to marriage counseling, w/ someone who is PRO-marriage? Maybe you should start there.

Keep posting and I hope you are not offened by my straight-forwardness.

#827555 04/05/04 11:20 PM
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PS: about being 'IN LOVE'....LOVE is an action word, a verb, NOT a "feeling".

It's something you DO not just FEEL.

Really, the more you do loving things the more loving you feel. If you start acting like you love your W you will start feeling it and how can she NOT respond and start reciprocating in turn?

Just another thought.

Have you heard of Dr. Laura or any of her books? (10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Thier Lives, 10 Stupid Things Men do To Mess Up Their Lives, and the latest, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, she has many more)

#827556 04/05/04 11:40 PM
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I'm far from offended. I appreciate the upforwardness of your post.

"Why is it that you stayed w/ your W when she was a nut job and treated you like crap and now that she is normal YOU want out?"

I've wanted out since I found out that our marriage wasn't what it seemed. It has been my plan all along to get out of the marriage as soon as "she was ready". I've just been waiting for a time when she was stable enough to accept the fact. And now we're beyond the point of acceptance.

"Are you getting help to stop your drinking?"

No, but it's definately on my list of things to do in this relationship and for myself. It's part of the reason why I've stayed this long in this relationship and it's the main reason we have a child on the way now. It IS my main problem I need to deal with and I plan on dealing with it soon and swiftly.

As far as "being in-love" or "loving my wife", I have a hard time even thinking about it because of all the pain she has caused me. Just thinking about touching her in the same way I did over six years ago almost makes me sick because of the things that have happened.

We have gone to marriage couseling with two different couselors. The first one we went to she lied about everything and turned it back on me. Apparently, I didn't give her enough time with her "girlfriends" (Did I mention she has a masters in psych?). The second counselor we saw heard the whole story and was pushing for divorce. It's hard to have a whole lot of faith for counseling at this point because of what they have done for us.

"Was your W suffering from mental illness and did she ever get treated for it?"

I think she was but she won't ever be treated for it because of her degree. She knows the ins and outs of the profession and can talk her way out of any problem.

#827557 04/06/04 08:48 AM
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My first instinct after reading this is that neither you or your wife are stable enough to have and raise an innocent child. Since you will be divorcing, putting your child up for adoption to give this little person a chance at a happy life with a stable, loving two-parent family would be the kindest and most loving gift imaginable. Sparing this child from your marital dysfunction and what seems to be insurmountable mental issues will keep history from repreating itself.

You two have way too many "coping" problems and apparently don't have the skills to overcome them. Maybe you do, but it will take time and maturity for them to surface. "Feelings" of love have changed, have been compromised or left alltogether and you have not had a truly committed marriage during the entire time you've been together. You two have really painted yourselves into a corner and now so much damage is done, your toxic relationship can only poison any children you might bring into this world.

Sometimes people get addicted to the drama in their relationships and create their own personal hell for themselves and the ones they are supposed to love. They (like you) drink or use drugs or have a series of affairs to "fix" how they feel about themselves and their lives and never find any answers or lasting peace until they are so miserable that they seek treatment and counseling and make the commitment to change their lives.

The logical solution, although difficult and probably not one that some people would consider, would be to divorce, give the child up for adoption, get into treatment and get healthy, productive and stop the cycle of misery. You only have ONE life and to spend it like this is insane. You have the power to take control of this situation and even change the dynamics of all this if your spouse is willing to join you in the effort...you could even keep your child and raise it if you spend this time during the pregnancy to work at recommitment to the marriage, attend Retrouvaille for a crash course in marriage restoration, read and study everything on this site to learn and live the tools necessary to change your lives and eventually, the feelings of love for each other can return. It all depends on whether or not you're willing and inspired to do this and your wife can overcome her obvious mental illness/addiction...and you can get ahold of yourself and stop your self destructive path (drinking) in time...but this takes time, maturity, commmitment and effort and if you don't think you can get this marriage fixed under the wire by the time the baby is born, I sincerely hope you and your wife will consider sparing this child a life of misery and allow him/her to go to a home where there is a chance of normalcy, stability, security, love and happiness. This is no time for either of you to wail "but I just can't give up my own child" because then you are making it all about YOU and not this little person who deserves so much more.

I am so sorry for your hurt and pain and confusion. I know first hand what alcohol can do to a marriage and the destruction left in it's wake. But recovery is possible. Find your inner strength through God, your Higher Power, and your own spirituality to make your decisions with a clear head and examine your soul to determine whether or not you are capable of forgiveness and if you two can build trust.

Good luck and God bless

Catnip =^^=

#827558 04/06/04 11:19 AM
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I completely agree that our relationship has had way too many problems. And with a child on the way these problems need to be taken care of now or do exactly what you said. Get a divorce and put the child up for adoption. It would be so unfair to hold on to a child for selfish reasons and not letting it truly be happy. Unfortuanetly, for her that is a tough decision to make. It's clear in my mind that it would be best for us to do just that. However, it's tougher for her to do that. Ever since the affairs came to light she has focused on this website and what it teaches. She has grown as a person ... while I sat back, regressed, and was left behind. She's at a much different point in her life right now and I don't know if I have the strength and determination to catch back up to her in time. I have started to look into myself to start looking for answers ... and to look for those answers sober. I'm just so unsure if it's going to be enough to keep us together. And if it's not enough giving up everything and going on with life will be unbarable for quite some time.

I will/already have taken your advice and asked God for help through this. That's something that's been missing from my life for so long and probably the main reason I'm here on this forum now.

#827559 04/07/04 12:02 AM
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As a wife of a bipolar alcoholic that annihilated our lives, hanging in there CAN be worth it. Of course, for 17 years we had a pretty great marriage so I had something worthwhile to fight for. But so much about our decision to commit has nothing to do with how we "feel". People put way too much importance into how we "feel" instead of doing. In fact, a lot of people will use the how they "feel" and "finding themselves" as an excuse to continue with irresponsible behavior.

I guess being a strong person makes me tough on others having likewise expectations for them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and stop mewling. My husband went through a self pity period. In treatment they called it..."poor me, poor me, pour me another drink".

If you're gonna have a baby, it's important that the parents not be babies. It might be a difficult decision for your wife, but then she'd be making it all about her and not what is best for child. And once again I am speaking from experience having given a son up for adoption 30 years ago.

Catnip =^^=

#827560 04/06/04 02:28 PM
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and I don't know if I have the strength and determination to catch back up to her in time.

That is where you FAITH comes in play. ANy one in these similar situations that we are all here for will tell you that it was their faith in God that got them through it. None of us are strong enough to do it alone.

Look where your W is @ now. It is all a choice.

What do you want to do? Unfortuneatley you W has most of the power. You cannot force her to give up baby but she can force you to "take responsibility", @ least financially.

So if seh does not choose adoption then you will still be in your child's life one way or another. How will it be? Just paying CS and moving on, staying married, getting healthy, having child together and moving on OR having child, raising baby in a self-destructive home and moving on.

Either way you will be moving on but which direction will it be?

Come on man, your an adult, and an intelligent one who knows what the right things are to do so why don't you just do it?

Yah it may be scary, you might be an awful dad but it doesn't mean you don't try. If you grow up and put in the effort..then what? Your child gets to grow up in a normal home w/ loving parents. Who could ask for more? Will it be perfect? NO, but that does not make it abnormal.

Grow up and do the right thing. Either adoption or change your marriage and life and make a difference in someone elses for a start!

#827561 04/06/04 03:16 PM
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"And once again I am speaking from experience having given a son up for adoption 30 years ago."

How did you make it through that? I had problems enough giving up a dog that was purchased during her "problem period". The dog was way too aggressive and almost attacked my sister-in-law. I pulled myself together long enough to bring the dog in to the humane society but burst into tears once there. I can't imagine how hard it would be to give away something as precious as a human being. Unfortunately that's what we would have to do if we do decide to go our separate ways.

#827562 04/06/04 04:46 PM
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It's something so difficult, painful and heartbreaking, I never got over it. But then, it wasn't about ME...it was about what was best for my son back then. He was raised in the most marvelous family and was blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I, on the other hand, was eventually granted the peace I sought, through maturity and understanding. I often waiver between regret and resolve. And often I replay the scenarios from back then and wonder what other choices I might have had or fantasize about what life would have been like for us had I kept my son. Then I look back at what seemed to be, at the time, insurmoutable difficulties that continued until I was nearly thirty, and I know I made the right decision. For him. I would have been happier had I kept my son, but it wouldn't have done him any favors...at the time. If he could have survived all of it until I was thirty and he was 11, then we would have been "good to go" but by then the die would have been cast. But in the meantime, the cost would have been too dear and he deserved more than that. He might have survived it all just fine, but he wouldn't have had the opportunities, advantages, security and love he had with his Mom and Dad.

I have had a relationship with my bio-son for the past decade or so and it has been an incredible blessing for both of us. He's grateful he lived with his parents and for the wonderful life he had with them and his sibs. We both lament the loss of our time together yet at the same time we are at peace with how it all played out. On the other hand, it's been tough on both of us, too, but for reasons that are hard to explain.

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

#827563 04/06/04 08:07 PM
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It's good to know that you were still able to keep in contact with your child. When and if we go through with this I'd hate to never know what happened my son/daughter.

We've talked again about separating and it's going as well as it can I suppose. We've talked about giving up the child but there's a problem with that. Both of our families are very excited about being grandparents. We are both the oldest children and they don't have any grandchildren yet. An option that has been brought up is having our parents help raise the child. But I don't believe that is the answer. It's unfair to them to just expect them to pick up where we left off.

And I've stayed sober all day today. Usually by now I'm numb to all that hurts around me. It's really nice to be able to process all of this rationally. But at the same time all the uncertainty hurts so much. I've started another hobby instead. A long walk now and then really helps clear the mind and stay focused on what needs to be done. Looks like I'm going to be doing a lot of walking over the next several months.

#827564 04/06/04 08:10 PM
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By the way, how exactly does the adoption process work? Did you have a chance to interview the potential parents? Make arrangements ahead of time to be able to even see your child? I'm new to all of this and have no idea where to begin. Does the baby need to be so far along before you can start getting paperwork done?

#827565 04/06/04 08:22 PM
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"Either adoption or change your marriage and life and make a difference in someone elses for a start!"

I agree so much with that statement. Every thing that we have done in our relationship has been all about ourselves from day one. Never truly thinking about the other person. Now that there is a third person that will be involved months down the road, it's time to take charge of the situation.

#827566 04/06/04 08:33 PM
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by futureunknown:
[QB]
Both of our families are very excited about being grandparents. We are both the oldest children and they don't have any grandchildren yet. An option that has been brought up is having our parents help raise the child.

=^^= Well, if you have such a strong support system, perhaps adoption isn't the right path for you or your child. If the grandparents are young enough to become actively and regularly involved, then maybe adoption isn't necessarily the answer. With their help, initially, it might give the two of you the time you need to straighten out your lives, rebuild you marriage and provide a good home for your child. As long as you pick up the reins and relieve them of the responsiblity at the soonest possible, then it might be something to discuss with them. Are they aware of all your troubles?

But I don't believe that is the answer. It's unfair to them to just expect them to pick up where we left off.

=^^= True.

And I've stayed sober all day today.

=^^= Excellent. I know it was tough. One day at a time...don't project and find a couple of AA meetings nearby and get involved and that will begin YOUR healing process because whether or not your wife maintains her commitment, it's important you maintain yours for your own sake.

#827567 04/06/04 08:39 PM
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Double post

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

#827568 04/06/04 08:40 PM
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by futureunknown:
[QB] By the way, how exactly does the adoption process work? Did you have a chance to interview the potential parents?

=^^= Not back in 1969. Back then the files were potentially sealed forever and the only way identity was disclosed was to the child upon his/her 18th birthday...IF the bio-parent had included a letter into the file agreeable to disclosure upon the child's desire to seek a meeting. I don't know how it works today but I know there are a lot of "open" adoptions available...much more liberal than before.

If I were you I would call both Catholic and Lutheran or ???? social services and ask these questions first hand instead of trying to gleen this information here as you will get far more concise data directly from the horse's mouth.

#827569 04/11/04 12:59 AM
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Thanks so much for listening and giving sound advice. I've continued to stay sober and the more I sober up the more I realize I'm better off out of this relationship. We're still not sure what will happen to the child. I still believe putting the child up for adoption is the best decision. However, she is still processing everything and wants to keep the child. If that is her decision I'll support it as best I can while not being with her. For once in my life I feel I'm finally making the best decision I can but it would be nice to have support of my family. My parents don't support what I'm doing at all. And I don't believe hers will either. At least my brother is behind me because he's seen everything from day one years ago. I just wish there was a way to make everyone happy but that won't happen unfortunately. Wish me luck on this long painful journey.


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