Update:

I had it out with H last night--he pushed me over the edge. I asked what he was doing & my tone was not exactly great--don't know why for sure & he reemed me about it and said this is why he is done etc.

I said okay that is it--do not come over, do not bring stuff for dinner, do call and tell me about trivial crap--not more. I proceeded to tell him that it was not respectful to that it gave me the wrong impression and I was tried of his actions and words not matching. He said I came over to have dinner with our son and I said that isn't okay--come and take him. He then proceeded to say he wasn't paying anything toward mortgage this month-in a few days--I don't make enough with one of my checks to cover it. I said that is fine then have all of your stuff out of this house and our shop by Sunday--if you aren't helping pay then you can't keep your stuff here.

I said why no notice & he said he just can't afford it--he has had smaller paychecks because he hasn't been getting any OT and he has a state payroll tax garnishment from when he had a small corporation--and you personally have to pay that off--and he is over halfway done. I said just imagine when you that and child support to two children--how are you going to make it then??

He then left for work--called about 5 minutes later. I started right in with I have done what I can and that I don't know anyone else who would be willing to do what I have done. After about 2 minutes I paused and he said meekly that he was calling to apologize--I said thank you but I had done so much and that I loved and cared about him so much but it was sad to lose someone right before your eyes and not be able to do anything about it.

He then proceeded to tell me I didn't have to worry about him moving because he didn't get the jobs in Boise. I'm not surprised because he didn't meet all the qualifications.

I then called him back and said sorry about job but don't feel bad because you didn't have the computer graphic skills that they also wanted and he said he knew etc. and I said have a goodnight. Asked if he was getting his stuff out and he said he didn't know which means he isn't planning on it and he will have to give me money towards mortgage which he has money tucked away in a saving and he can afford it.

I also told him he just doesn't seem to be able to function without me totally and that is obvious. I told him that he needs to answer for himself why he came back last winter and why he told IC and MC he was happy etc. I reminded him no one made you come back and no one made tell eveeryone that you were happy.

He said this doesn't have to do with OW--we had our own issues and I said you are right we had our own issues which we were working on but I believe it has something to do with her bieng w/OC. I said the day you told me she was w/OC you changed some and I said it became reality that she wasn't getting AB or going to do adoption I watched as I lost you starting from that time on--I said you couldn't handle it and you seemed to give up.

I know long update--said don't stay because money will be easier but think about you family and the future.

Yes, Major, please share
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H sounds very immature. You have been putting up with his crap for so long - much longer than I - and I respect you tremendously for that. You have encouraged me more times than I can say. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kris,

I know you weren't saying that I didn't have God in my life, I was just saying that I believe he shows me things, has even during A that I chose to ignore or let H lie to me about. And your 100% right H is extremely immature, I have told him that 100's of times, that is what I get for M a younger man I guess. When he came in last nite he claimed he was on a break when I saw him & then went back to work, I don't believe him, how do you live w/ a liar, much less try to rebuild your M???

I gave him the PBL again, I know he didn't read it, he doesn't want to leave, once again I told him it is really simple, act right or get out. He claims he wants to go over the contract on Sat. & he wants to work on our M. I don't believe him. I also told him that if his daughter was not going to be a part of our lives, he could not be a part of mine.

AD ~ this is it for real, I will not live like this any longer, I think PA is 6 months, not sure, w/ him I couldn't do it 6 days it seems. Yeah I'd like to slap him upside the head too, if he needs to have his belongings set outside & the locks changed to wake him up, that will be too late, if he leaves there will be no 3rd chance for him. It won't be a PB at all, but I am not paying for a D, couldn't if I wanted to.

I have a friend who told me to put him out long ago, & he is waiting for me to do so. I know I can't go there but it is really tempting & I know he is right about me deserving better than H is giving me. He told me why would H go anywhere when he can have his ice cream & cake too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So I am not talking to him, guess I will wait & see what BS he comes up w/ on Sat. regarding this contract. It it time for him to put up or shut up & go. And yes if I have to put him out I will be at peace w/ God cuz I know I have gone above & beyond the call of duty & if H is too stupid to see that, his loss.

Albany,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I said okay that is it--do not come over, do not bring stuff for dinner, do call and tell me about trivial crap--not more. I proceeded to tell him that it was not respectful to that it gave me the wrong impression and I was tried of his actions and words not matching. He said I came over to have dinner with our son and I said that isn't okay--come and take him. He then proceeded to say he wasn't paying anything toward mortgage this month-in a few days--I don't make enough with one of my checks to cover it. I said that is fine then have all of your stuff out of this house and our shop by Sunday--if you aren't helping pay then you can't keep your stuff here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was good for you to say - if you meant it & I really dont think you did. Why do you think he called to apologize though??? You shook him up w/ that kind of talk, all I am saying is if you don't really mean it you shouldn't say it. Him getting all of stuff out, & no longer visiting w/ you but picking up his son & leaving are steps toward PB, IMO long overdue, but as we tell each other all the time only you know if you are ready for that.

Basically I am just saying it doesn't help to throw out empty threats, I have done that for a long time & I know that is why H thinks I am not serious.

I am praying some of what you said will get thru to him.

Hi girls,

I think that I have hit rock bottom. I blew up yesterday on my H after not being able toreach him for hours. I got physical and so did he I can not do this anymore i am done. I do not think that I will post again, so thank you for everything. My kids saw us in the middle of the scuffle and I don not want to do it any longer.


I am just tired of it all. My H does not talk about what his plans are, and all he can tell me is he's waiting on me to change yet I see no change in him. I am done - I see nothing else to fight or wait for. I don't have anything left. I probably will never forgive him for his actions nor is he trying to help me with it - so why try.

Nothing good has come of this entire marriage except for our kids. I see nothing else positive about it. Maybe I am the cause but I need to be alone then. I am so angry and it has totally consumed me. I have no where to turn and really see no future. My kids deserve to be happy and that means that mommy and daddy should be apart permanently because I am not happy at all going through this with him.

I am miserable and see no need to prolong the inevitable.
Thank you for your support and I will be praying for you.

JT

BBYG~

If he isn't helping money wise then I mean it and his crap needs to go. I also I'm not going to allow him to come over anymore to visit son if he is done--he needs to take him.

He apologized I think because he knows he is out of line and I believe because he isn't done--I said I'm not the doormat and that his how you're treating me -- no respect for me or my feeling and I said I'm really hurt by that and hurt because I was willing to make this work--I didn't kick his butt out when he told me OW was w/OC--I said we will figure it out and I'm not going to let it ruin M.

He called me this morning once he got home from work to tell me he was going to look at my car before he went work--he fixed oil leak and needs to make sure it is fixed--then tells me about his long hot night at work and asks for me to call him at 4:30 to make sure he is up so he has time to look at my car <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Does he not see how he is dependent on me and can't break away???

He is going to make it so I have to nearly PB him even if he leaves his stuff and continues to pay toward mortgage--he can't figure it out.

I can tell I have had it nearly beause when he said he would get stuff out it din't bother me--just thought well if this is it then it is and I haven done more than most would. Not saying I want it to be done but I'm resolved to the fact that I have done so much and it is all up to me--it takes something from the other person too.

{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}

Don't stop posting, I felt that way yesterday too, you need support thru this mess & while we all can't physically be there for you, we all understand better than most what you are going thru.

Did you get anything from the dr. to help you? I know the feeling of anger & wanting to hit your H.
I have slapped mine a total of 4 times since this all happened & I wanted to hit him last nite, when we talk he doesn't even look at me half the time. Why don't you try to do Plan B for now rather than rushing to end it in D. You are very very angry & it is never good to make life changing decisions when you are.

We are all here for each other, dont' stop posting. You are in my prayers sweetie.

J2 did you call the doc? I'm sorry you had it out w/ him. I'm so sorry that you are sooo angry at him. Please do not stop posting. I think you need to be able to talk and get stuff out. H is an a like most here. They don't want to admit they are so wrong and we don't have any right to be mad at them. Hello, I often think what would H do if I was pg w/ my BF's child? Would he be here? My heart tells me no. So why do we stay? Why do we go though crap of up and down everday? Is it for my kids? My material crap? My own selfish reasoning? Don't know, but we are the strongest people I have ever known. I hate that the kids have to go though everything. But yall shouldn't put your hands on each other. Go outside, just stop the conversation. Don't get in the car, Go for a walk. Can't tell you how many times I thought of popping H up side the head!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But its not something I would want done to me, so I just walk off. But did you call the dr?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

JT2~

Keep the posts coming and try to get in to see doctor for your sake.

Only you will know when it is time--IMO you are done and I believe that M could work.

Hang in there. ((((HUGS))))

Alabny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and asks for me to call him at 4:30 to make sure he is up so he has time to look at my car Does he not see how he is dependent on me and can't break away???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what I mean when I say I am tired of the game playing, that is all it is. If you know for sure your ready to PB then go for it, whether he gets his stuff out or not. If he sees you are serious he will get his act together for real but as long as you play this game w/ him he will continue to fence sit. Do you plan to write him a PBL?

Whatever you decide to do I support you, I am just so sick of these men playing games w/ us, our lives & the lives of our children. Only WE can make it stop.

BBYG~ I know what you are saying. I wonder if he starting to get uptight about her being due 6/10--ever since this started w/OW being pregnant he has had a sick stomach--takes pepto everyday--could that be stress--I'm sure it is.

I think I will have to do PB even if de doesn't get stuff out--wonder what he will have to say when he comes over tonight. I believe God did not want him to have job in Boise--I believe God wants him to have to stay and deal w/this mess and make it right so he didn't want him moving 10 hours away & a state away. I'm sure God didn't want him to be able to run from it--so I hope he will face it soon.

Thanks BBYG

albany~

Listen to BG, she gave you excellent advice.

Your H knows you, and I'm sure he can recognize an empty threat a mile away. Heck, if children can recognize our empty threats, surely our H's can. If you're serious, then follow through. If you're not serious, then don't threaten in the first place. In fact, you don't threaten NC, you simply do it. You don't announce it till you send him the PBL. Also albany, there is no such thing as nearly doing a Plan B. Either you do it all the way, or not at all.

Hang in there.

Thank you Albany, everyone here has helped me more than they know even when it was things I didn't want to hear.

I hope that your H will realize what a mistake he is making & come back to you & your son a fully committed man, & then you can both thru POJA decide what to do about OC. It is to your adavantage that he is already out of the house you know. I wish I had of been able to PB when my H was gone, I did tell him that I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore right after the baby was born but that didn't last long, he kept pursuing me & keeping communication open even while he lived w/ OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I let him do it though, so I can only blame him so much. Right now I am kicking myself for even letting him come home, oh well whats done is done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I definitely think you are on the right track, stay strong girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AD~

I meant PB without him getting stuff out--I know I shouldn't empty threat but right now I think the only way is to PB even if his stuff stays--he doesn't see it--He doesn't see how close we are--I told him you can't just call & tell me about random stuff--not that type of relationship if we are done--and you can't just come for dinner if you are done.

I'm surprised that he apologized in all of the recent going ons since he moved out he has apologized for anything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm surprised that he apologized in all of the recent going ons since he moved out he has apologized for anything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you ever said those words to him before, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do not come over, do not bring stuff for dinner, do call and tell me about trivial crap--not more. I proceeded to tell him that it was not respectful to that it gave me the wrong impression and I was tried of his actions and words not matching. He said I came over to have dinner with our son and I said that isn't okay--come and take him. He then proceeded to say he wasn't paying anything toward mortgage this month-in a few days--I don't make enough with one of my checks to cover it. I said that is fine then have all of your stuff out of this house and our shop by Sunday--if you aren't helping pay then you can't keep your stuff here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am telling you that is why he is sorry about his actions, he is running scared, if he doesn't get his stuff, pack it for him, why should you look it it if you are in PB all the way there is no need for any reminders of him.

Like AD said it is all or nothing. I personally think if you do a true PB, with a 3rd party to arrange for p/u & d/o of your son & for any other communication, he will be home very quickly, he won't be able to survive w/o you.

Yep, they do start backing up when you start telling them to get out!! Ok I've p-oed her enough now lets kiss some booty. Boy I have been in one of my moods!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> That is so men, lets get a job and move. Ok if its to start over w/your family, sure. But if its by youself, hes hiding and running. Lord only knows how bad I want to get out of here!!! I really don't know what is wrong w/ these H's. They can't see what they are screwing up and its so sad. I just hurt for ya'll. Kinda makes me feel bad to talk abot us. Don't know what I did or said to wake him up. Or am I just sleeping and in fog now. H can be stressing about due date, but sorry, he knew it was coming. Just like we do. Don't take it out on us cause they messed up and now its coming to a head. I'm waiting to see what my H is going to do when that day comes. I think I will get me some boxes just incase. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Naw, if he does something that he has already promised he wouldn't do then, the stuff will be in the street. Funny shes due around the "time" of the month that's not good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ok we are going to have to start another post this one is getting long to. I hope everyones day gets better!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

I think that we should each have a post with our names as the post starter topic.

Then we can update on our own post and other can comeent, support, etc. and then we can comeent on the others.

What do you guys all think?

BBYG~

Haven't ever said that really before about doormat and trival stuff--and never said anything about respect thing. Also, always been hysterical before during similar talks--this time no tears.

Sunnydale~

Of course moving was running--wanted to escape, pretend it didn't happen and start over because it is easier. However, problems always come back to haunt--you can't run forever from them.

Sunny,

This is getting long, but don't feel bad about talking about your situation, WE need to hear some good news & know there is hope. I love hearing from KT, AD, Stacia & others who are in recovery & show that this does not have to be the end.

I think you & your H will be fine, no signs of fog there, he seems to know he screwed up & realizes the gem he has in you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I gotcha now. No he doesn't have to have all his stuff out in order to do Plan B. He only has to be out, and he already is, which takes care of the biggest logistic of PB.

If and when you move to PB, you need to be dead serious. He can NO LONGER come over. In fact, many women change the locks to the house/garage, etc. Drop offs and p/u's with your son should be through a 3rd party. Any necessary communication should be made through a 3rd party. You will not be able to ask him to check oil leaks, etc., and he will not be able to come for dinner, etc. You will be cut off from one another. albany, I really think this is your best hope. Please think about it. It must be scary as hell, but you have a lot of people here who care, and who will help see you through. Also, your parents--talk to them. You need them big time. They live nearby? I think one or both of them should be your intermediary should you go PB.

What have you got to lose, except this daily insanity?