Did you ever tell family, friends about A?

How soon after telling H?

Is it still a secret?

Does OC appearance give it away?

I am a FWW and as soon as my H and I decided we were going to keep the pregnancy my H and I went over to my mom's house and told her(maybe a week or two after I found out I was pregnant). That was the scariest and hardest thing I can think of that I ever had to do. It was harder than telling my H. All my siblings know also. Most of our friends know. In the begining I told everyone the truth. My H had a vasectomy and we were VERY open about that so I just assumed everyone would know. But my mom said that my H is probably even feeling worse with the more people that know...that I should take his lead if he wanted to tell. Or if someone came right out and asked me if my H had a vasectomy then come out with the truth...but not to offer the news so freely. I guess out of guilt of not having got a divorce before I got involved with someone else I felt that was part of my punishment to be the one to explain this mess I got into. So anyways...I still have aunts and cousins and casual friends that don't know. So by my name you could maybe figure out that the pregnancy resulted in twins. The boy twin does get looked over pretty good on some people trying to figure out who he looks like. Of course he looks like his biological father. But when I look at pictures I don't think he looks like he sticks out as looking different.
I think it is a personal thing if you tell people. For myself I would prefer it to be out in the open to my family and close friends. My H is a lot like me in that aspect.

Painter,

Well, only a few on my side of the family know. My parents, my younger sister and her H, and a cousin. On Sailorman's side, well, that's another story. His mom and dad were visiting when D-day happened, and due to the assult, we had to tell them what happened(didn't know I was P at that time). So, when we finally told others that I was expecting, well, they put 2 and 2 together. Then, even before Abbi was born, Hs mother decided that her whole side of the family deserved to know, this after Sailorman had told his father that we did NOT want people to know at this time! Heck, we have never done a DNA test, and she looks EXACTLY like her older sister and myself, so you never know for sure, right.

Well, my bil's(brother-in-laws) and their wives were quite upset, but more so about how they were told. BUT, they love Abbi just as much as all the other neices and nephews! So, I think that you need to really weigh your options and how you feel about it. Are you doing a DNA test, or are you going to let xom determine that(meaning if he files for paternity/visitation)?

I hope that I have been able to help in anyway you needed!

Tigger

No, we never told a soul.

Besides you all here, only my H and I know. I also told x-om, but asked him to stay away, and he has. As far as I know, he doesn't know whether I ever had a baby or not.

To the best of my knowledge, it's still a secret from all friends and family.

I don't think baby's appearance gives it away as far as any obvious differences, since we are all the same race. Although, short of the first few days after baby's birth, nobody says, "baby looks just like Mr. Autumnday". There are a few particular friends who occasionally look a little confused and ask who we think the baby looks like.

I'm the only one who knows what x-om looks like, and unfortunately baby does tend to resemble him. I keep my observations to myself though. It may be in my head, because on occasion, I see my H too. Baby does look a lot like one of our children.

Like Tigger, we also plan to never do DNA, so my H could be the bio. We were together also, and my H never had a V.

I wish you well in your decision making processes.

~ad

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Tigger,

I'm not interested in DNA. I don't think OM is either.

I just don't want to live a lie any more than robel wanted to continue lying to me. I'm not sure I should drag her kicking and screaming into the light of truth in front on our families.

Thanx for the input ladies....

Painter~

I understand the "don't want to live a lie" concerns. I battle them all the time. Tigger is one of my biggest champions in reminding me I'm not living a lie, because the one person in the world who needs to know right now is my H, and he knows. You know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I believe there is a difference between private issues between a H and W, and "living a lie".

You absolutely should not "drag robel, kicking and screaming into the light of the truth in front of your families" If she were still involved in the A, then I say drag away. Expose, expose, expose. This isn't the case though. I'm not saying you should never tell anyone, but I do believe it should be something agreed upon by the both of you, POJA style. If it's agreed by both to tell, then decide together who all to tell, exactly how much info. to share, how, and when you'll tell.

Also, I think you need to ask yourself what purpose would revelation serve? What are your motivations?

If you're looking for someone to talk to about it all, I agree, you NEED to do this and I commend you for seeking help. However, I suggest you start with one really good trusted friend, a counselor, or a Pastor.

I sense both you and robel are concerned about the appearance of the baby because of x-om's differences. Perhaps you don't want people to always wonder, or whatever? Do you worry that if people start to wonder, then they might also wonder if you as the H even knows you aren't the bio...may think you're being played the fool, etc? If that bothers you, and you want to put any and all speculation to rest, then maybe you should tell about the possibilty or even do the DNA so you know for certain.

For now though, I would concentrate on the recovery of your M, it comes first, above all else. If you're not on the road to recovery, everything else will be much more difficult to sort out. You need to be united.

IMO, other than finding a confidant to share this with, I suggest you don't tell "everyone" about it, for now anyway. If the two of you decide to tell all, I suggest you wait till closer to the birth or even after. You guys don't need any added drama right now.

One other thought and I think it's a biggie, is that right now, all you know FOR SURE is that robel had an A. You DON'T know for sure that she's P by x-om. As big a deal as an OC is, (please don't think I'm trying to minimize the pain of your W possibly having another man's child), the actual A and the issues surrounding its occurrence, I believe is the really important subject you two need to address at this time.

Take good care of each other.

~ad

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Just about everyone knows the truth. I told H, who in turn told my father and so on. The only people who don't know the truth are my church friends. I am to embaressed to say anything and why do they need to know?

I made the mistake of getting pregnant twice. The first baby was planned, I told H the truth and he didn't care. He still said that the baby was his no matter what. As for looks, no one questions it. The second pregnacy was a guilt screw, one time, the last time. I was devistated. H, of course, was pissed. At first didn't want anything to do with the baby. Now our son is 3. People mention the special bond H has with him. Only once has someone mentioned how our son doesn't look like H.

Well anyway, H loves the two like his own. He doesn't want anything from Xmm. Wishes he would drop off the face of the earth. As for family, H family treats them like there own.