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I have been spending so much time here reading posts. I am curious do your children know about OC and how did they react?

I guess on this board I would be called a BC. I was still in college when I found out about my dads affair and OW pregnancy. I was in college and would come home on weekends. When dad sat me down and told me I at first was completely shocked that a man I so admired would do such a thing. Then I got so angry I think I could have punched him. I never felt such anger in my life. I could only imagine how poor mom felt.

I told mom to kick dad out on his [censored] and to take him to the cleaners. Mom told me that she wanted to work things out and that she wanted my support. I told her she was crazy and she said that I was not to get involved in this and to enjoy my life and concentrate on college.

I still gave dad hell every chance I got. After the baby was born and DNA testing was done dad started visitation. That pissed me off to no end but mom told me that is was something dad needed to do and that she was fine with it as long as dad did not cross any of her boundaries.

I won't go into detail on the nasty court battles and how horrible OW was because its too depressing but let me tell you it was nasty. Phone calls, nasty letters, e-mails, drive bys. OW did not want mom involved at all. The court did not agree and dad was given unsupervised visitation for short periods of time. Visitation was made very difficult by the OW.

I wanted nothing to do with OC. Until recently I always viewed her as an extension of her mother and not an individual. I was so embarrassed by the fact that my dad fathered a child with an OW. I told him he better never tell any of my friends from college about OC. I told him as far as I was concerned I was an only child and he better never say anything different. He honored my wishes.

I was so happy when dad told me he was not going to see OC anymore.

I also went through a period of time where I was extremely angry at the OW and her visitation games/harrassment did nothing to endear her to me.

I did a couple of nasty things to OW. After contact ceased with OC I saw to it that the right people found out that dad had cut the OC out of his will and only left her $1.00. I wanted it to be known to OW that dad considered me to be his only heir. This drove the OW crazy and harassed my parents like never before. That is actually what prompted my parents to get a restraining order. They were so upset with me for doing that.

I will never forget the first time I confronted OW. I don't remember how far along she was in her pregnancy. I told her she was a slut and a whore and whatever name I could think of. I told her she should put the baby up for adoption. I asked her what values she could instill in the poor child when she herself was nothing but a whore and a peice of trash.

As you can see that was a very bad period of our life. We did get family therapy and things greatly inproved after the restraining order was filed. Finally I decided to let go of the past. I finished college and got a great job. Mom and dads marriage inproved and they did extensive traveling and they really enjoy being together.

Over the years I did not give OC much thought and had no interest in meeting her. I think that is why I was so surprised I felt such a strong connection with her. For so long I felt nothing.

Well anyway do your kids know about OC?

edited to correct typos

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: CodyG ]</small>

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Cody, (((Hugs))) and thanks for coming here. We are glad you have found us and given me, myself some insight. Did you talk to your parents about the C yet? And how old is the oc now? My D is no where near your age, but when she does, I'm sure she will come up w/ some of the same feelings. So thank you. I have always considered the c issue. I think w/ God and some heavy praying that anything is poss. Since day one I have felt my D should know her sibling. And will do everything in my power to make it as pleasant as poss. When the anger goes away its nice. My D was pretty much a daddy's girl and always up his b-hind. Since we have told her about 3-4 weeks now she has been more of the momma girl. She has the biggest fear we will not be together. We split up for 8 mnth and she just hated it. So even though we don't fight, or talk about ow in front of her, she fears us not being together. I will not make any promises to her on these either. I dont know what the future will bring, no one does. I reassure her that I love her father and we are happy together. She is 11 and she has seen her 1/2 brother. She helped me do the room for him and really wants to spend time w/ him. She said it was ok that he didn't live w/ us. (I think she likes being the only one at home) She does have a sis who is older and lives w/ her dad and has her own life as teenagers do and we dont see her much at all. What I would do is tell your parents what your feelings are, dont hide them. Keep the OW out of their lives, which I think you will. And if you want to get to know this child you should. Beware of the OW, sounds like she could be trouble when she wants to be. Maybe even get something in writing, so ow doesn't get upset and play the snatch and run game. I wish you all the luck and once again thanks for sharing your story.
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Wow, Cody, I'd be even more cautious about your contact considering the history you describe! I'd be worried XOW is arranging revenge or something really ugly...?! It sounds like your parents tried to be mature with good boundaries in their reconciliation and visitation, but that xow and even yourself were not real cooperative to that end.

NONE of which, everyone agrees, is the OC's fault. But when the mother holds all the cards, all the power... Sigh.

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We told our kids (11, 6, toddler) about OC this year because we began visitation. We did not tell them sooner because we were long distance and advised by marriage counselor not to bother unless we had visitation or until kids were teens, whichever came first. Since we had 6y of marriage recovery (and I compared it to my half-sibs who grew up in another state), they took it well.

XOW is a little psycho and hasn't always tried to get along(!), but she has always taught her child that my H is her "dad" even though she remarried and H was long-distance! I think that's weird. Most women would just let the step-dad BE dad and move on. Whatever.

Anyway, OC is a nice kid and I hope visitation continues to work out, but we are prepared to stop if XOW gets weird again. Counselor says at least OC will know we tried. That's all we can do.
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Good luck!!

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Codyg,

I told my son who was 19 at the time about OW being pg. the same day I found out. I don't refer to my step daughter as OC cuz she is my H's only child, which I guess still amounts to OC huh?.

Being that my son does not belong to my H he was very angry at him for betraying me in such a horrible way & was very glad that I put him out. That was over two yrs. ago. My H has been home now for over a yr. and my son has forgiven him & also supports my decision to try & save my M. Thank God he takes after me & not his dad, who would hold a grudge to the grave. He has interacted w/ his step sister & has never held any ill feelings toward her, if she was his half sister I don't know if he would have felt differently or not.

If nothing else comes of this at least my son learned about forgiveness, tolerance & paitence & most important to never, ever have an affair once he is married or with another man's wife, to talk to your spouse about everything especially problems, instead of shutting down & then going off & looking for the first female sympathetic ear he can find.

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We had one child @ the time of H A & OC conception. Since the A promptly ended upon the announcement of OW pg----we did not tell BC about OC--the plan was NC-mutual decision by OW & H.


Fast fwd a few years, OW sues for CS & the adventure begins! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> OC was now 4.5 years old & we now have 3 kids. WE meet her & incorporate her into our lives.

Oldest was 9.5 yo @ that time & he took an emotional nose-dive. Full blown depression: insomnia, mood swings, out bursts of anger & rage, it was not good. But still we weathered through it. OW was uncooperative on the visitation end as much as she could be. SOn's depression finally lifted but then other symptoms showed themselves: headaches & nausiousness which led to vomiting whenever we would p/u OC.

Visitation was going better through out this past summer but OW still continued to try to be uncooperative so after 2.5 years of C--we had to end it. We felt forced too.

Our 4 year old bonded the most to OC (who is currently 6.5 yo). He really misses her. Our 2 yo also mentions OC too. BUT the oldest is doing WAY better, no more headaches or vomiting since we sent OC home for good 41 days ago.

It is a sad situation for EVERYONE involved.
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I think your reactions were normal. Not very nice but normal. You have a right to feel just as betrayed as your mother, I think.

I don't think, however, OW would be too welcoming towards you to be in your siblings life now. Although we are sometime's 'justified' by our words & actions----they still hold great consequence & unfortuenately can never be taken back. Forgiveness also comes harder for those who have no feeling for us & have nothing to lose by staying mad or cutting you off completely.

Like OW, she has nothing to lose or gain personally by welcoming you into her child's life or not.

I would let by-gones be by=gones & move on w/ your life. Do you wnat to start a relationship w/ OC? If so, how do you think your parents would feel about this?
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jftr: I also have half siblings out there somewhere (not from A) but I have no desire to seek them out except for curiosity sake. While we may share some related DNA--they were NEVER a part of my family & I consider them just strangers. I don't know if they even know about me or not but @ this point, I really don't care.
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Take care of yourself & thank you for sharing your perspective. I really appreciate it.

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My children know. They hate the whole thing. They would absolutely die of embarrassment if anyone ever found out about oc. They see it all as to "Jerry Springer" for them.

My oldest has thrown it in my husbands face when he would try to talk to her about curfews, drinking, etc. Why he was trying to be a father and dicuss these issues she would blast him and throw the oc in his face. Her favorite saying was something like "who are you to be talking to me about (name the issue), when you are the one with the [censored]" While I believed it was wrong of her to speak that way, it was also how she felt.

My other kids have yet to get to vocal about it. But they do realize that we have had to have legal help dealing with psycho/greedy ow. While they have yet to call the oc a [censored], they do think it's embarrassing to have one out there.

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Yes my kids know we had to let them know why some psycho was calling us and threatening the lives of all that lived here.

She was stalking us and kept calling us and following us around.

We had to take our oldest out of private school to help pay for the lawyers fees to fight the stalker. Of course they went through emotional turmoil and hating the father that betrayed them ect you know how teenagers talk. My poor son only 9 said he wanted myself and him ONLY to move away from all of this and never see "them" again.

ONE of the reasons my husband HATES ow and her child. So H promised children NO contact at all with OC ever and no one would embarras them in front of friends and family with the mention of the existence of OC. We only just found out it was true that it was H child in April.

THE OW of course threatened to tell the whole community what a deadbeat dad my H was. THUS causing the children anxiety and making the disipline of them very difficult.

BIG mess doesn't even describe it.

I know I would never want the OC in my life for the kids sake as well as our family as a whole.

I know my husband will go to his death denying the OC to his own family members. He told them the results came back negative he was not the father, and not to believe anything the PSYCHO OW said or made up.

See just crazy ness all around.
wow i have a headache just thinking about it.

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I can so relate to how your kids feel Lynn and Cordelia.

If OC had been a boy she would have named him after my dad. Can you imagine? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Then to have people question you about what is going on is so humilating. I would run into my friends from high school and they would want to know if what they heard was true or not. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I would say something like yes its true but he might not be the father. Any woman that would sleep with someone who is married is capable of sleeping with any number of men. I even compared her to a prostitute and asked them if they would take the word of a prostitute and they said no. After that conversation by the end of the week it got around that there were 3 different possibilites of who could be the father. When he come back the father people thought dad just had the worse luck in the world. They really thought 3 different men had been tested. I said nothing to correct them.

Bottom line very humilating and LynnG your kids are very fortunate that have been spared the humilation. Cordelia I hope your are spared as well. I think the older they are the more hard it is. I was an adult and could barely handle it.

Now that a considerable amount of time has passed I am not ashamed of OC. I would have no problem introducing her as my sister. We have nothing to be ashamed of, its my dad and her mother that should be embarrassed. It took me a long time to reach this point.

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NO WAY will I tell my children, and thus 75% of why there will be NC. YES YES my children would DIE of embarassment also. They are soooo not going to accept OC-they are jealous of anyone that gets too much of mine and H's attention, much less a child that is from an OW from dad cheating? It is just cruel to put this on them. And H can't take it either.. he cannot take the thought of them knowing this and looking at him with such (further) disappointment. They need him as a role model SO much now.

I get SICK hearing OW say that our children will be fine.. like oh, they'll get over it.. like we are almost spoiling to try to keep this from them to protect them or something? Kids get embarassed by the SLIGHTEST things at my kids' age- like picking them up at the mall... bringing lunch money to school.. etc....

OW must love and protect the OC from harm of having a lack of a father growing up, or the confusion, etc.. MM has to come home and do the same. OW WILL NOT allow themsevles to see that MM is not a deadbeat- he is the one who must come HOME to a wife and kids to face - to protect from further harm! It was NOT the BS decision or her kids' decision.. she chose a man that has a HUGE responsibility to begin to live up to as he promised. He promised OW/OC nothing and sometimes that is what they must get- its the way it goes.

BS and MM has to protect their nest-and papa may have flown away for some time but he has the RIGHT just as women have the right to decide if they will have their child. If they pay CS they do have the right to keep this from their children who were not born of OW's A. As an OW can CHOOSE to abort or give child for adoption (and be seen as doing what is right for her life/her child).. so does MM.

Off on a rant of sorts, but just thinking of how some believe WE or MM are OBLIGATED to integrate OC- well it makes me so angry. My children don't deserve to be put through this- like a bad movie they are too young to see-- as a mother, and H as a father- we had to change the channel.

Rant over... LOL!

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---- but I forgot to add---

everyone and every family and child is different. Some younger children or BS who is completely able to do this.. then hats off to you, you have my utmost support and respect

Every mother knows her children, and has a different ability to heal, etc. Those that have contact and are surviving it and CAN do it are just people who are able. We are all wired differet with completely different dynamics... so many things come into play.

Just making it clear that I DO support contact for those that are emotionally able and whose children are at an age or a time of life that they CAN be unharmed.

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Cody, you bring an insight to this situation that hasn't been here.
My H's A was 12 years ago, it ended after 18mos. She was 22 when they started seeing her, 23 when he ended it. We were 38, him; 39 me.Anyone know why a young woman that age would go after a man 15-16 years older than she?
WE had 4 children at the time of the affair, our 5th child was born after it ended. The OC was born 4 mos after my son was.
My children do not know they have a younger sister living in another state with her mother.
Currently my children are 11yrs, 16yrs, 22 yrs, 26yrs, 28yrs. The OC is 10, (she will be 11 in Jan).
We have not told them. That has been my biggest fear is how they would react upon learning of their sister.
He chose NC because of lack of proximity. We were in Ky at her birth and she live in N.Carolina. We have since moved to Texas, our homestate. We never lived in NC, my H met her when he was traveling thru her hometown while working in NC. She worked at the hotel where he stayed weekly when he went to NC. I have the note she gave him expressing her interest in going out with him the next time she was in town.

Anyway, my children do not know, and I continually look for the right time to tell them. However, there is no right time is there?
How do you think they would react at this late date? How do I tell them after keeping this secret this long? Funny, my youngest would love to have a younger sibling, a brother would be his ideal. But a visiting sibling isn't the answer.
Would love to hear any observations you might have to share.

Texasgirl

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texasgirl,

That is a tough one. There is no perfect time to tell them. I wish I never knew about OC or the affair. It totally warped how I view my father forever. I don't have as much respect for him. I hardly ever I mean ever go to him for advice because I question his judgement and he lacks credibility in my eyes. This was a man I use to worship and wanted to be just like him. Not anymore and that sucks. I expected more of him. He is a good man over all but to realize that he is capable of such destruction and selfishness is beyond my comprehension. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

When/if your children find out they will scream that they should have known sooner. I knew from the very beginning and I wish I did not know. I have no answers for you. When/if your kids do find out about OC they should hear it from their father and no one else. I know that much.

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My story is under LoriH I think but I registered as a new member.

My children found out about the OC because of another OW felt threatned and called to tell me everything. Instead she was talking to my 14 year old son.

My oldest son is mad, angry and confused. He doesn't talk to his dad much it's all very new. He is very music orientated , my husband coaches. Since the news of this new baby BOY. He is depressed etc. Exspecially since the OW-29 has a younger sister whom knows my son and is in the same grade and school. The sister knows about my son. I think he's scared. My husaband doesn't think it is to our son's best interest as of yet to tell him the girls name.

Plus my husband does not want me to have any contact with OW or OC becuase he says I'm too hurt and I can't handle it right now? The baby is not well has congenital heart problems etc and will be having surgery.

Our oldest daughter 11 does not want o talk about it at all!

Our youngest son 6 keeps asking if daddy has a baby with another girl, as well as our youngest daughter 5.

I don't have problems with visitations or them getting to know the OC. I just think I should be there or the kids. According to my Husband the OW does not want me to be involved at all, at least that is the message I'm getting.

this is sad as I come from a family who's parents have been married 41 years.

Lori

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My children know that our youngest member is adopted by me. They were too young to know the facts surrounding it 2 yrs ago. We don't hide the fact that he is adopted though. I will explain the situation to them as they grow older, as needed. I believe some things are going to be harder than others to explain but I will not hide the facts from them. Since in our case, I have adopted him and he lives with us in our home with no outside influence from OW, my situation will be different. I will have to explain to him that he has 3 other half siblings out there some day.

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Thanks Cody.
I expect that one day, probably when she is 18, she will call and want to meet her father. That is when it will hit the fan.
My H has always maintained that they will be able to deal with it better as adults. He does fear that he will lose his children's respect because he did such a stupid thing. He has always admitted he was very stupid when he got involved with her, wishes he could undo it, etc.
Of course the one who will feel it the hardest is my youngest son, who will be able to figure out his dad was having sex with another woman while his mom was pregnant with him.

Thanks again, Cody. You sound like a wonderful young man. Go on with your life and make it the best you can. If you haven't heard, "I Hope You Dance", a country song, please listen to it now. I hope you dance.

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My children s-19 and d-14 know about OC. H and I didn't find out about exsistence of OC until after she was born. So that took that wait and time off of our hands. But after the DNA came back positive, we told both of our children. Of course, we had already separated and I had to tell them at the same time that I had been diagnosed with Hep C (from a blood transfusion several years ago...not from H) a few weeks earlier. I know some parents would not have told both at the same time. But I know what my children could and could not handle.
I have stressed since they were small about the consequences of lying and trying to cover those lies. They lead to more lies trying to cover the original lie.
Son took it very hard....anger mostly at his father for being so stupid. Daughter internalized most of her anger and sadness. But we have been through family counseling and realized our love as a family, could and has sustained, us.
We have contact with OC. Not until of course spending money on a lawyer and forcing the visitation with OW. OW (married) had so many demands on visitation, we felt the court was the best thing to do. Also, H filed papers with the state first so he could establish CS. No sense waiting since we already knew OC was his.
OC is now 8 mos. old. We all adore her and love her. She is a part of our family no matter how she was conceived.
I don't want anything to do with OW and we are having problems, H and I, about OW staying on her side of the fence, so to speak. But we are continuing counseling and are working on it.
Good luck with your situation.
ent

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Hi there. I dont post often anymore as my life has moved in a different direction but let me give you a little bit of background...

I will try to do the short version.

I was married had 1 little girl when A happened. Oc is a year and a half younger than her. We had NC with her. A few years later ow contacted me and asked me if I would talk to h about signing over his rights to oc so her H could adopt her. I talked to him and he signed them away. I thought all would be fine at that point. I became pg again and around that time h got himself another ow. He left and then I found out about ow#2. That was the end of that and I had my 2nd dtr without h. Fastforwad a bit and I am now remarried and xh has not seen either of my children since 01/2003. He only lives about 20 minutes away but chooses not to see our kids. At this point that is fine with me. My H loves them very much and wants to adopt them. He is daddy to them and has been. He was my coach when dtr#2 was born (we were only friends then).

As far as oc goes.......about a year and a half ago ow and her h and family came to the Houston area (her H's family is from here). She contacted me and we all met at a Chucky Cheese. The kids do not know they are sisters. But we all met and my older dtr and oc hit it off immediately. We took pics and everything. We havent told them but when they get old enough they will at least have some child hood pics and maybe a few memories. I will tell my kids one day but not until they are old enough to understand (they are 6 and 2 and oc is about to be 5). Oc knows she has "another dad" somewhere in Tx. As a matter of fact ow and her family are here again this weekend and we are all supposed to meet Sunday again at Chucky Cheese.

I dont know how they will react but my older dtr is very sensitive and kind hearted and also very adaptable to change (Thank the Lord) but the little one not as much (course she is only 2). I think they will be ok with it. At that time though they will officially belong to my H and officially be their daddy. At this point I just dont know how to explain an affair to them. I pray that they will understand and be able to accept it all. Ow and I are fine with each other. We have talked quite a bit and she has grown in God and is basically a different person. She is my age (28) and a few years ago was diagnosed with breast cancer so needless to say she has done a lot of soul searching and growing up. I can actually call her a friend now. These situations can go so many differnt ways but the Lord will work them out according to His will. And if we look to Him we can grow in all the situations.

I believe I am rambling a bit now, but Cody, Trust in Him and He will bring it all about for you. It sounds like you have found some peace in your heart about this situation. God bless You!!

Love

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Sorry to high-jack ya, Cody, but I just gotta say Hi and WOW to broken wings!!

What an incredible "ending", bw!! Of course it's not the end, but a great middle!

BW, you could give them the word "half-sister" without giving away the whole "plot". They'll understand more, gradually as they grow up and you add pieces to the puzzle. To compare, adoptive parents are told to introduce words for adoption even before they can fully understand them. You still meet the kid on their level to every extent possible.


We've had to tell our kids (11, 6, 1) due to visitation and they obviously don't all understand it the same way. It will take years.

Best wishes, bt!!

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

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For those of you who did tell your children about A and oc, how did you do it? My girls are 9,4, and 2. This will bring up a lot of questions since they won't understand conception at all. But I know the day is coming soon when I will ahve to tell about oc and I wan tto be full prepared, so if any one has any input, I would greatly appreciate it.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yelodaze>For those of you who did tell your children about A and oc, how did you do it? My girls are 9,4, and 2. This will bring up a lot of questions since they won't understand conception at all. But I know the day is coming soon when I will ahve to tell about oc and I wan tto be full prepared, so if any one has any input, I would greatly appreciate it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Before we sat down with our 12 year old, we did a role play. We were very careful not to use negative terms. Husband did all the talking, I just sat in support. Instead of using the word Affair we used relationship. We were also careful not to use OW in a negative way because afterall she is the mother to our daughters 1/2 sister. We did not want to create a view for her of OW, we felt that was very important.

Husband started the talk by stating how much he loves me and loves our family and continued with our goals as husband and wife and as a whole family. He began by saying...A few years ago, mommy and daddy were separated and daddy had a relationship with someone else. That relationship produced a child. A beautiful child named {}, this child is your sibling. She was in shock and very upset and her first words out of her mouth were..."I hate you, I hate you, how could you do this? How could you disgrace our family? This is a disgrace" She never cried never even looked my way just sat there staring at husband, he literally looked like he had been punched in the stomach. This stage lasted about 2 days. I talked to her ALOT! And asked her not to worry about a thing and to follow my lead. I answered all her questions and she had PLENTY! When she asked a question that I thought was difficult to answer I simply gave her a simple answer and told her I had to think about it. She refused to talk to my husband but answered any question that he had regarding general stuff.

Soon she became comfortable with it and asked to see pictures. When she saw pictures she melted. She completely fell in love with her sibling. When I told her about how they had lots in common she was estatic. She cant wait to meet her sibling. Its been a long haul but finally the time is coming.

My other younger ones 9 and 6 we will tell the night before they meet their sibling. We felt that was best. You know the question "Are we there yet" that will be them until the day comes. So rather than add anxiety we felt it would be best to wait until then. We both know that the younger ones will adapt and LOVE their sibling! They are both sweet, sweet kids and always find a way to make babies they meet giggle. My 9 year old is known for that. At mass when ever there is a crying toddler he manages to calm them down and turn the crying into giggles <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Lots of luck to you!


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