Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Ok, I feel that if we could get some info from BOTH sides of the coin for the M'd couple it could help ANYONE going through this very trying time.

I'll go first from the WS side, as even though I'm also a BS, that part of our M does not include an OC.

For me, I wanted to die! I even was willing to leave and leave the kids w/Sailorman. I was VERY overcome with the guilt of what I had done not only to my H but also to my kids(mind you, this was also all BEFORE I knew that I was P).

I don't know if the P kept me in the depressed/guilt stage longer than a WS w/out the P, but I was most likely depressed the WHOLE P! I would purposely AVOID the topic, which was quite difficult as I was HUGE(gained 60+ lbs!). I was afraid to talk about the A as I didn't want to hurt Sailorman any more than I already had. Even today, hearing the name that the xom had/has creeps my skin!!!! So, I would avoid any topic that even remotely resembled the A.

I guess one thing that IS different between men and women being on the BS side is that men usually DON'T want to know anything, "It's over, done with, leave it in the past", where as we women have this morbid NEED to know EVERYTHING! Which brings me to the BS side.

Now, as I said above, for me, the OC isn't involved for me in the BS side of things, but I HAVE been the BW, unfortunately, many times. The first time I wanted to KNOW everything! I went through all the emotions, anger, hatred, fear, depression, and about in that order. Unfortunately, we never truly dealt with what brought us to be in that situation to begin with, and didn't until my A and subsiquent P. It was the "huge elephant in the room" that was never discussed.

I don't have any advice as to time lines, as everyone deals differently, but I wanted to put out there that the WS DOES have tremendous guilt, and it is often very difficult to talk about it, especially if you are the man in the WS position.

So, I don't know if this helps, or you could even "edit" it for the welcome thread, but I saw that no one else was beginning any of the threads recommended, so I started on my own.

Let's hear some more from the WS and BS sides and get this thing going!

Love,

Tigger

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Thank you tigger....and thanks for bringing up the fact that the issues are different from both the wayside and betrayed side...so we need to include those different perspectives when we compile the information.

So far...I'm hearing this from you:

Some normal feelings for a WS who becomes P from A:

*shame
*guilt
*depression
*desire to avoid discussions
*anxiety over hurting spouse further
*desire for P to be "invisible" and unoticeable in spite of obvious physical changes.

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
Having been a WS P w/ OC the only thing that wouldn't be on the list for me is the "desire to avoid discussions".

I had to bite my tongue many times, as BH made it very clear he didn't want to talk about anything re A/OC. As far as he was concerned, A was the past, we were moving forward, and whether or not OC truly was an OC or NOT, the baby was HIS, so a non-issue.

I would most definitely stress the "shame" and "invisible" thing. Like how Bush says, "you can run, but you can't hide"--very difficult to camouflage what I did, when I had a protruding belly. I was highly embarrassed in front of my H. Unbelievably, my DH would try to set my mind at ease, saying how beautiful I was. Very humbling for me, indeed.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Autumn....so maybe that should read:

*possible desire to avoid discussions for some.

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 140
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 140
So my question is i am the BS and my H is the WS who had a A which resulted in OC. So are telling me that he is just a hurt, anger, depressed as I am? Can this be true. My thing is I am worried about myself, but shoudl i consider his feelings as well, I have not really thought about him, its been about him not truly thinking about how I am feeling! Any input appreciated!!!

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
lonely,

It's always a good idea to consider your spouse's feelings...when you are able to. At the beginning of this process you may have too much pain and shock of your own to help him very much (survival mode)....but developing intimacy...the kind of intimacy that will keep your marriage strong enough to survive this situation ultimately will mean considering his feelings as well as yours. And yes...my guess is that on many levels...he is quite stricken with feelings of guilt and regret and depression at times.

hugs!

Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 411
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 411
Like Tigger I have been on both sides of the fence. Only both sides include an Oc. I have 2 from my A and H has 1.

I was first a Bw, to many times. The first few times I was in denial, believed my H that it was all MY fault. This didn't change until 3yrs ago. I finally realized that he is the one with the problem. I did at one point file for a divorce. I am happy to say right now we are doing great. We still have a few bumps in the road but as soon as we get through this one with Xow things will be smooth sailing again.

As for my cheating days. I was in Lala land for awhile. Even went as far as planning a child with Xmm (he was in on it also) The guilt ate away at me and I was the one to end the affair. My H was completly understanding (he should of been, his Ow was also pregnant at the time) and he considers himself the father of my girl. After falling back for Xmm due to having contact, I became pregnant again. This one was not planned. But I stuck with it and now have a wonderful son. And like before H considers this child his. In fact H gets extremely pissed if anyone mentions elsewise.

As for the guilt part, it took me years to get over what I did. I even thought about suicide. I was torn over being a part that destroyed Xmm marriage (they are now remarried), almost ruined my marriage and I felt like I doomed my childrens life. After have lots of conversations with wonderful women here and another support board I have worked through these feelings. I still feel the guilt for my 2 Oc, but for the most part it is gone.

As for H cheating and his Oc. It came to the point with him where I gave up. But something happened with him where he finally realized that I would leave if he didn't grow up. As for his Oc, I love that boy to death. To bad that his parents can't get along long enough to realize what will happen to that boy.

Another thing that is helping the marriage is NC. Things were touch and go for awhile. I was letting Xmm have contact with the kids (he has no other children) Of course this caused lots of problems in the marriage. I ended contact in July and it sooooooo much nicer not having to deal with Xmm. As for Xow, that is in H corner now and we are working on a POJA

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Yes, Star, that about sums it up. And maybe the discussion statement could be something like, will either avoid or will try to over discuss the situation. One other thing that I was just thinking about is massive regrets, AND the fact that all the phases I provided were AFTER the fog was gone! Now, if the WS is still in the fog, there are many differences. And, I can also say, as I've stated many times that I would look at myself in the mirror and didn't know who it was that was looking back at me!

So, any BS who have run the course want to provide their phases and aproximate timing? Let's keep this thing going!

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
As a BW...phases, phases..hhmmmmmm......

It's a little skewed for me because I did not find out about A/Oc until OC was 6 mos. old. If OW had not c my H legally to request name change I doubt he would have ever told me anything. (A ended when OW became pg) AND @ that point he did NOT tell me the truth but only what he could get away w/ hoping to salvage what he could. He told me if was a ONS which never made sense to me but he refused to discuss it further w/ me so I had many unanswered questions & doubts.

It was not until years later...(which was only 2.5 years ago) a week before we were to meet OC that he told me the truth which was that he & OW actually had more of a 'relationship'.

**********
*********
So phases......

My immediate reaction in that exact moment could be called denial. It took a couple minutes for the reality of what H was telling me to sink in.

Then I went into anger. I remember H was trying to tell me how much he loved me & how sorry he was & I was so mad....mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> mad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I was shocked & didn't know how to respond--SHOCK is a big one. We immediately spoke to a 'counselor' that night. I was very calm on the outside...planning, sinister type calm. VERY scary---not a 'normal' me. Got son, went home to get our stuff, left son in the car & baseball batted my H tv. Then left. I had left H @ the counselor's to walk home.

I would say there is an IRRATIONAL stage. If there isn't there should be! lol

Once I got to a friends house I broke down & from there was DEPRESSED. I want to die. That lasted about the entire time we were separated..6 mos.

Plus the BW becomes VERY insecure as well.

We never got to the root causes of how our marriage had gotten to this point.

H didn't want to talk about anything....duh..because he was hiding the truth.

Fast fwd....when we were served papers for CS-------re-opened these old wounds but it really was for the best because we were now forced & able to get to the ROOT of the issues. So a week before meeting OC (& 1.5 weeks before my baby #3 born) H tells me the 'truth'...Here we go again.....

My immediate reaction is calmness. It explains a lot of my H elusive behavior..it all makes so much more sense.

Then sadness.....trying to figure things out. Followed by SEVERE depression. (anti-d's helped w/ that) Lots of questions.....H does not want to talk about or discuss anything. I feel betrayed all over again & even worse.

C w/ OC was confusing....C w/ OW was confusing. H is overwhelmed by my questions & doesn't want to answer any. Everyone is very mood-swingy. MAJOR physical symptoms....way more than first time.

Things did not get better until the REAL issues were rooted out & discussed.

ACCEPTANCE took a long time to get to but I think it is a BIG & important stage/phase. Easier to get to acceptance when real issues were brought to light, @ least for me.

Once things seemed 'settled' down emotionally. H was more willing to talk & discuss things but not that often or that much.

Now.....if I have a question H will answer it straight out & I can accept the answer & then that's it..it's over. It no longer haunts me...or not that much or often anyway.

I think that was the 'acceptance' part. It was the hardest for me to get to that point.

Also, I think a big/important stage is a return to spirituality. I find many people really find/seek spiritual guidance during something liek this & it truly is for the best. I don't knwo if it can be called a phase/stage becuase hopefully their spiritual journey continues.

I hope this made sense.
Sorry if it reads so 'scattered'.

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,047
B
B61 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,047
Ok, phases of recovery.....

Well first off I am not sure if "recovery" is going to happen in my M, but I will share what have I gone thru for over 2 years now.

DDay - July 2002, after months of suspecting & some pretty obvious clues I chose to ignore, my H confessed to me that he had been having an A & the OW was pg. w/ his OC (only child). (I had laid awake all nite waiting 4 him to come home from "work" & when he got in it was a little after 4 a.m.)

If I remember correctly my next words to him were "u need to pack your s&%t & get the f*#k out of my house", so as he packed I threw many questions at him all the while in a hysterical rage, I truly thought of trying to hurt him w/ any blunt object in my reach but thought better of it. Of course even at that point he wasn't ready to tell the whole truth, lied about the length or the A, & the graphic details of the sex that occurred, don't know y I asked about that but I felt I needed to know. This went on for about 5 hours, he then left saying he would stop by later to pick up the rest of his stuff.

Amazingly throughout this 5 hr. ordeal I never shed a tear, & that was unusual for me, guess I was truly in shock?????? This was on a Sunday, the rest of the day I never left the house, after telling my son who was 19 at the time, I then called my "sister"/best friend & my oldest blood sister & told them. I did not sleep that nite, nor did I eat all day, I called in sick for work that Monday, had the locks changed. H came by after I threatened to throw the rest of his clothes in the street, he then came by again later that nite & we talked calmly about what had happened to us to bring us to this point, I knew I had made a mistake by throwing him out & wanted him home but he went to live w/ OW, which I found out at the end of that first week.

For eight days I ate nothing, other than Monday of that week everything else is a blur, I don't know how I functioned but for the grace of God. I was so out of it. Well after 2 weeks H & I sat down w/ some very close friends, & he decided to come home, for all the wrong reasons, he didn't want to be there & after only 4 weeks I threw him out again, as he was still seeing OW to bond w/ his unborn child, which was not the truth it was about seeing her still of course cuz the A wasn't over.

So for the next 8 months he lived w/ OW, I continued to have almost daily contact via phone or in person. I sought out IC, which helped me to see the baggage that I brought into the M & helped lead up to H's A. The pain of the A & OC being born & him playing "fake family" w/ her & her kids was sheer hell, many times I thought of giving up on life, giving up & letting go of my M but H told me from day one that he didn't want a D & he would come back home, & we would work on our M including his daughter in our family. I talked to OW the day after my stepdaughter was born, she also told me the same thing, that H never told her he didn't love me or that he would D me even though they had a baby together.

In April 2003 H came home, partially cuz he wanted to, & partifally cuz OW was tired of him saying he was leaving her to come back home to me. Things have been shaky at best since his return. Our focus was not on working on our M but w/ him seeing OC in our home, mind u I had seen OC several times in our home while he lived w/ her but once he left OW started tripping & would not allow H to bring her to our home anymore cuz she was "uncomfortable" with me. H fell for this BS & did not set up legal V thru the court system, this of course has been a major battle every since, being that he saw OC at OW's apt.

This year 2 years past DDay I got very depressed, got some AD's but didn't take them, took a total of 3, started to rely more on God to see me thru this instead.

OC turned 2 this past month & recently she has stayed overnite with us, so OW may finally be letting go of her anger of not having my H chose her over me. He is about to finally start the process of filing for legal V, & we have finally started to focus more on us than the OC issue. We have talked about past mistakes we have both made & agreed to leave the past in the past.

OC was over this past weekend, spent Sat. & Sun. nite, & while she was there I got choked up at one point cuz the reality hit me that this is my life now if I stay M, I am a stepmom. I thought about the baby I will never have w/ my H, & how maybe things would have been different if I had, that is a waste of time to think that way though, so I quickly wiped my tears away & continued to enjoy my time w/ my stepdaughter.

I may still go back to IC & I would like him to go as well, IC or MC or both, but he doesn't feel he needs it. We still have a lot of work to do as far as using POJA to keep us on the same page about everything in our lives, but I am starting to feel a little more confident, for the first time in a long time, that we are gonna make it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry this was so long!

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,028
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,028
I really dont think I have ever told my complete story on here. I have always been kind of reserved on what I say because of it being public. But here goes:
Me and my H have been together since 89. He was D from first W. We M in 92 and my D was born in 93. For the most part it was good. His first W was alway popping up every now and again. Who by the way is the OW. They grew up together and she was always I felt as a threat. Well years go by and we are two very active people, we have been blessed in the material aspect of live too. We have boats, mototcycles, cabin, camper, toys galour. So w/ toys comes work to pay for them. He was always gone and me and the kids where alone. So we delveloped our "own Lives". He did his and I did mine. I never cheated, and always thought about XW in the back of my mind. Finally got to the point in our relationship that I didn't like him and he (I felt) didn't like or want to be w/ me. I p/u my kids and left and didn't come back one night. Plan B of some sorts. No note though. Well with in two days, he was seeing her. So I just figured my mind was right, maybe they had been seeing each other the whole time and all my M was a lie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Thats when the ANGER slid in. I was sooo angry, like never B-4. And with being so blessed in the material things you could image the mess we created. We threw daggers for a straight 8-10 months. He would call crying, begging, loved me, wanted to be home, do what ever it takes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I was free and wasn't going back. He had replaced me and that was good.

Moving up to just days B-4 D was to be final, I broke and met him for the first time in 10 mths.
So everything was droped. He didn't move back home right away, he would come for dinner, hang out ect. While seeing BOTH of us. So PLAN A comes into play. We had hurt each other a great deal during our time apart and it was the thing we needed to overcome. So with wanting to work on my M, I told him, didn't want a BF to come eat and leave. If your serious, come home, if not finish the D. So moved home. He owed OW money, why dont know, but went to pay her one night (which he didn't tell me) and hince came OC.
It was funny because he called me right after he left her and just HAD to see me. I was shopping for xmas. Ok got home and he was this man standing there telling me how special I was and he had screwed up and was never going to do anything to loose me again? (Didn't tell me he was w/her, but I knew) So 1-1-04 was to be the "new" and improved H. Ok feeling of releif, we may just make it now. A couple of weeks later I asked, is C preg? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Oh course got the DUH look and "I dont know". But a feeling kept telling me. Then came in the confused feeling. Ok do I want to deal w/this or not. He is being so sincer and just the best H you could ask for. Weeks later get a anym. phone call, oh by the way C is preg and H is the dad and yea it was after he moved home. OK now I'm mad again. Called H and we met and talked, calmly surprisinly. Hince came in to the Radical Honesty program.

So we decided, we would work on M and wanted the OC to be a part of our life and would deal w/ it when the time came. So we did. We worked on us, our family, being honest, developing trust. And I must say that it wasn't easy. My brain would tell me, "What the Heck are you doing" and friends and my heart told me, he's going to turn our to be an awesome man, if I give him the chance.

Alot of praying, alot of talking, alot of LOVING <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We didn't talk about it everyday, even though I thought about it. I saw him changing right before my eyes. The more honest I got, he got, the more times I let him show me I could trust him, the more trust we have built. Why did he need to trust me? Because I turned into the Bride of chucky during our split, never saw me in that way, had to prove that person full of anger and hate was gone. I forgave him and her. Forgiveness to me shouldn't be selective, good for one and not the other person that created this together. I will tell you yes he was at the delevery, for his son and him only. Went there just B-4 and left right after. He wanted me there asked me to be there, Of coure the OW had a fit, but didn't matter we where working on US. But as we where to leave I told him, no I wasn't going. He started crying because he thought I was leaving again, we had come so far. I felt in my heart that he needed to be the first one to touch his son and respected that. Told him to go and I would be there when he got back. With that day I dreaded for mths finally over, we went on working on us. A was sick and stayed in hospital and WE as a family went to see him. On our POJA we worked on maybe 1 mth B-4 due date. I drew my lines in the sand. Had to put our F first, had to be honest totally, had to NEVER exclude me, and in return he knew I would take and love this child as much as I do my own. And would treat him w/ the same respect. If it was important to him, then it was important to me, and visa versa.

We are doing it all legal from the start. His child he will take care of him. I expect that of him. He is a great dad. And now he is a wonderful, loving H. We have C and I talk to her and she talks to me and they also have conversations about A. And the papers will be finished soon. We have our legal right to be apart of A w/o having to ride the roller coaster. And we have had him on several occacions.

I love every inch of that child, as I would if he was from my body. But that is me and the way I am. I dont hate her anymore, we dont talk about the past. We (all three) only what is best for the children and that my family is intact and will remain that way. Now comes in to the feeling of having PEACE. AAAHHH, and I know everyone here has a chance to get there. I got there w/ prayers being answered and my heart being open to listen to what God has planned for me and my family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 164
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 164
I thought I was the only one who had the "feeling" concerning whether OW was pregnant. I asked my H the same thing, "Is she pregnant?".
I got the same "huh?" look. lol
As for phases, anger and disbelief were the primary ones. We had been working sooo hard on on marriage since we had moved to another city. Then his father died and he met up with OW again.
Of course, I found out about the OC in an airport with about 40 soccer parents standing around. That was real fun!!
I've suffered with depression all my life. So I was already on the AD's. I guess from the beginning THAT helped tremendously. I credit that for helping move past the anger so quicly. Don't think I didn't have some yelling matches with OW. I did. Starting from the first day I found out. Found out how long he had been seeing her. Which completely blew me away.
Then on top of everything else, I was diagnosed with Hep C. (got it through a blood transfusion)
H and I went through family counseling and individual counseling. We wanted to have help for the kids too. Espcially for our daughter. Didn't want her dancing on the pole someday. (chris rock reference) with "daddy" issues.
It's still hard. I am insecure sometimes. But I love my husband. He is truly my "soul" mate. I have to get down on my knees still and ask for strength.
But at the end, there is forgiveness and love. I have to forgive for my own peace of mind. I understand most of you aren't there yet. I have to forgive for my family's and my sake.
I don't intentionally mean to hurt people by defending the OW. I am just lucky, I guess, by being able to see the other side. Probably because of my own dysfunctional family. We put the "fun" in dysfunction. lol

ent

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunnydale:

Why did he need to trust me? Because I turned into the Bride of chucky during our split

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL Great image!


I enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for taking the time. (I didn't know you knew this many words... Har-de-har-har)

Pep

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,028
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,028
Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL, like I'm soooo quiet anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Thanks.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 39
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 39
It seems to me that all you BS(is that betrayed spouses??) have tried to forgive your partners, and at least give them a chance. I feel my husband will never forgive me and I am so deeply hurt. It has only been 3 weeks since he has found out. I guess I should be give him time. Today we had a Court Date, we are both in differnet states. I am a resident of the other state, but I had applied for residency and divorce here. I'm doing what it's called an interstate divorce with interstate custody. I want him to forgive me.

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,028
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,028
^^Bump for the Newbies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Also some of the Oldies may want to add to this!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
bump again for soem newbies!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
xoxoxo
kt

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 778
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 778
Eacl----three weeks is a blip. Your husband is lashing out...just like I did. I immediately filed for divorce, the very next day. That is almost a knee jerk reaction.

If you want to save your marraige, can you slow it down a bit? Can you ask for a cooling off peroid? My husband fought tooth and nail. He refused to leave the home. He refused to sign anything. Try talking to him. Let him know you understand what you have done to him. Let him know how sorry you are. SHOW HIM how much you love him. I don't mean seduce him this early, but write a story. A story of you and him. How you fell in love, little things he did that made you happy. Tell him how you fell off the path. Tell him how awful you feel for what you have done. Don't give up.


Stages I went through:

Shock and hurt. I filed for divorce and that was that. A month or so later we stopped divorce proceedings. We had a honeymoon phase.

Then we had to deal with the nutcase ow. It sort of teamed us up a bit. We did the whole laywer thing, and all that entails. After oc was born we were still teamed. It seemed we were ok.

Anger set in big time. I lashed out. We made it through that with help from wonderul friends.

Acceptance. Hmmmm, this comes along slooooly, not like a light switch!

I guess it really and truly does take a few yeas to process it all out.

HIM: Long after everything was settled. Oc was born. CS established. All the drama and angst had subsided. Life was moving along fine. He finally let his emotions out. It was like he one day, years later realized how much damage he had done. He was filled with guilt, remorse and sadness for what he had done to me. It was me holidng him telling him how much I loved him and reassuring him. It was then that I knew for sure that we would make it. By that time, he had worked his a$$ off to prove himself to me. He had really been there for me, and put up with so much. He took it all. Once he realized he was safe, he let it all out. He couldn't believe what he had done and what it could have cost him. He truly had a hard time accepting what he had done.

I believe with all my heart and soul that he is deeply ashamed at all he had caused. I felt it was an honset heartfelt pain he was feeling....deep guilt and shame. I know he loves me and loves us. It was hard for him to forgive himself for what he had done. He too healed. I think that he actually had a rougher road to follow. I can't imagine how awfull it must feel to have caused so much pain to those you love. I really felt horrible for him.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
<<<<BUMP>>>>

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
bump

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 127 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5