Hello everybody,

Let me just say that I just registered, but I have been reading your threads for the last month.
They have helped me tremendously.
My H confessed his A w/ a co-worker to me on Oct.15,2004. She had OC on May 11,2004. He says that they only had sex that one time and that there was no real relationship. He says it started from them having cigarette breaks at the same time and they began talking alot and that's what led to that fateful night. He says he never loved her and wants to stay with me. I see that he's bending over backwards to please me and console me, but I have these mood swings and outbursts at times. I know that if I am to stay with him I'm going to have to forgive and try to move on but the fact that there is an OC is eating me alive. My H and I have been trying to have a child for the last four years. H sleeps with OW and boom we have OC. I feel so inadequate now. I guess the fact that I'm 37yrs. old and the OW is 25yrs. old kind of says it all. I look at my H and I see the shame he's feeling over this.He says when she told him she was p he asked her to get an abortion but she refused. He says when she told her family she was p she asked him not to tell them he was married. My H said no and told them. Then he family is trying to convince her to abort, but she still says no and has the baby. At this point I feel like she stole such a moment from me by having this baby. I think she thought having this child would make him leave me. I'm re-bonding with my H who mind is in no way having a cake walk right now dealing with me, but for the first time since this fiasco I am very angry thinking about her and fantasizing about hurting her. You see after my H confessed she served him with CS court papers. I asked him to call her b/c I wanted to speak to her. He did and I asked OW did she know he was married. OW lied and said she did'nt know until after the slept together which i know is a lie b/c she is the receptionist at the company they work at and I even remember her voice b/c there were times I called for my H at his desk and he was'nt there and I'd call back and ask for him and she would actually go and look for him for me. So she knew fully well about me which tells me alot about her character. If OW was misled I would definitely sympathize with her, but she lied. I finally decided to register today b/c I started to do something today at work that I never thought I would do but I want to make her hurt the way I do.
I figured out OW's company email address and composed an e-mail saying " Here's a website I think you'll be interested in www.tow.com it's amazing to find out there's a place for people like you". I started to click on the send button and it was at that time I felt I'd better talk to someone who could help me.

BS / me /37
WH / 38
M 8years
DDay Oct. 15,2004
OC born May 11, 2004
N/C still to angry at OW

Tan,

I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Has there been a DNA confirmation that OC is your H's? I understand you are hurt and angry right now. It would be best if you and your H worked on your M and not concentrate on OC for the moment. I know that is difficult to do, but you are just going through the pain of discovery and you need to focus on your recovery first.

ARe you and your H in MC? If not it would be a good idea to find a good counselor to help you through this. Also, read the suggested books on this site "Surviving An Affair", "Torn Assunder" and "His Needs/Her Needs."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I have these mood swings and outbursts at times. I know that if I am to stay with him I'm going to have to forgive and try to move on but the fact that there is an OC is eating me alive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't just "move on", you really need to work through this with your H. Your feelings are normal, please don't try to squash them or they will come out as extreme anger or depression.

Anyway, Welcome to Marriage Builders. Glad you found this site. There are awesome people here that will help you.

Hi Tan,

Welcome. I'm sorry we had to meet this way.

I dont have any experience with P and OC, but I can tell you, DONT SEND THAT EMAIL. It wont help A THING! You wont feel ANY better, I promise, and could cause more trouble.

Try anything you can to direct your thought AWAY from OP. Your H's A wasnt about her, it was about HIS shortcomings and failures. She could have been anybody.

You are so new to this, I'm sure your emotions are raw and very painful. But this will not help. I'm sure others will come on to advise, but I wanted to let you know you'd been heard. I'm really sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself and your family. Leave her alone, ok? - Dru

Why give her access to a support board for her to go and feel at home and justified in all she did?

Tell her off if you want but dont let her rally with other sluts so they can help her manipulate your husband and you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...but dont let her rally with other sluts so they can help her manipulate your husband and you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree!

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but it's good you found MB.

I am not good at giving advice, but all I can say is, has paternity been confirmed? If not, do not give her one dollar until a DNA test has been done.

Thanks guys,

I'm feeling a little better and I did'nt press the "send button". As for a paternity test, my H filed for a court ordered one. You know Cordelia, I really did'nt think about it in that way but you're right. Why should she have a place to go where she can have others like herself condone her behavior. I guess I just wanted her to know what kind of woman she is but I've calmed down for now. I will keep you all posted. Thanks again!!

Tan, I will tell you like my attorney told me the first day I found out. Do not say or do anything stupid that can be used in a negative way against you! Dont! Just one little thing out of anger could haunt you for a long time! You are a better person for behaving like an adult. This situation will one day come to a legal issue weither there is C or N/C so keep your nose clean. If you are needing to get your anger out, start a journal. This really helps. Write your feelings everyday if you have to. But the anger and the hurt will have to be dealt with for you to be able to move on w/ your life regardless. I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation but time does heal and it does get better. Sometimes things get bad for awhile, and somedays things will seem so over whelming, but it does get better and you will survive and become a stronger person though it all. Good luck and keep us posted.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

(((in a small voice so no one else can hear)))

But Sunny, Tan can come to MY house for the next couple of days and see if our OW calls. I could let her vent her anger at an OW........

(wicked little laugh)

OH MINE TOO (YEP I AM SHOUTING) evil little grin.
OH thats it we can all exchange ow phone numbers and do each otheres venting so they cant use it against us? Whacha think?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

(((sigh))) It's probably be a LB or at the least a DJ.

Ah well.

You girls have truly made me laugh. I think that's a great idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I guess there's gotta be some humor somewhere in this situation, yeah I think I'll learn to laugh a little bit more these days. And sunnydale thanks for the tip about the attorney, I know you're right but I'd just like to pimp smack the OW 1 good time (LOL) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just joking. I'm definitely gonna be the bigger woman in this. Well, I'm going to leave work now to go home. Thanks so much for the laughs. You guys are crazy!! Have a great weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tan_is_crushed:
<strong>
I figured out OW's company email address and composed an e-mail saying " Here's a website I think you'll be interested in www.tow.com it's amazing to find out there's a place for people like you". I started to click on the send button and it was at that time I felt I'd better talk to someone who could help me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, is she an artist too? I think you should send her that link, there's nothing wrong with Adam Tow's website. I don't think she'll find other MMBabyMammas there, but it does have some great photography.

T-I-C--just ignore the trolls. from experience, if you ignore them, they eventually do go away!!

that said, you have come to a generally wonderful place aside from the occasional trolls that come and go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> it is not an easy situation to deal with, but you can get through it. just read my sig and you can see that we did!!

good luck to you!

Hi everybody,

I need your advice on something and I know you might think I'm crazy for wanting to do this, but I was thinking of going to see OW and OC without my H. I have her address and phone number from the court papers. Of course I would call first and ask could we talk before actually going there. I guess I'm curious about her and the OC,who I really would like to see in person because I saw pictures of OC as a newborn and he is so precious and has my H's features. I know I would fall in love w/OC but I still have horrible feelings towards the OW. Is this crazy to want to see her without telling my H ?

My H had an oc with ow before we had a child together. I found out she was pregnant two months prior to me finding out I was also. Didn't have any contact with ow until dna confirmed oc was his. H and I argued several times and it hurt me so bad knowing that this woman (I thought) took something away from us that was suppose to be shared between H and W. I was angry because I was mostly embarressed that everyone knew of the situation (of course thought I was stupid for staying). But then I had to realize that she had the child alone. The child did not know him until ten months later, the child does not live at our house and share those special moments our d does. My H was right there when I delivered, he named our child. My point I guess Im making is that even though you guys dont have a child together yet, nothing will be more special than that. Trust me I see it everyday. You guys will hopefully be able to share a child together without having the trouble or guilt that is tied to oc. This will be a child born out of love, not deceit. You wont have to worry about him leaving when you tell him your pregnant! H and I have chosen contact and there has been good and bad days, but we make it through. The ow will have to wallow in her own guilt and pain. But you and your H can make this work together. As far as going to see her. MMMM... I'm not sure because you dont know what kind of personality she has. She may still have feelings for H and may feel your overstepping your boundaries. Or she might just want what's best for the child, and has moved on. More than likely not. Maybe call her first to see how the conversation goes. But it is ok to be hurt and angry (it wouldn't be normal if you weren't.) But if you cant handle contact with oc then don't. But you also have to prepare yourself if H wants contact.

Thanks notdoneinyet,

You've given me hope about the situation.
My H and I are doing ok. Sometimes when he sees me daydreaming he says " Babe we will have our baby don't worry I've always and only wanted children with you ". I believe him when he says that. As far as going to see her I think you're right. I'll wait