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#840043 01/27/05 06:22 PM
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seems like most of the posts here are from women who's husbands have children with other women. What about men who's wives have children fathered by other men?

My wife is pregnant and paternity is questionable. We are hoping and praying it is mine as is the other man who is also married. His wife knows about the affair but not about the pregnancy.

#840044 01/27/05 06:32 PM
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His wife knows about the affair but not about the pregnancy.


She should.

#840045 01/27/05 06:32 PM
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I'm so sorry.

LEgally, the child will be considered your (& your financial responsibility) unless you go to court & prove otherwise.

This can work FOR or AGAINST you.

If you want to keep your marriage & family, it will work FOR you, as the burden of proof will be on OM that child is NOT yours. IF you want it to be, it pretty much will be yours.

It will work against you if you want to end your marriage becuase you will be financially responsible for that child until you prove otherwise. It will not be automatic.

Children born during a marriage are automatically assumed to be a product of a marriage.

THere are others here (men) w/ experience like yours.

Hang in there!

xoxoxox
kt

#840046 01/27/05 06:36 PM
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I should have said his wife knows about the pregnancy but beleived that the affair was over at the time.

There are reasons I chose not to let the OM's wife know. She is very good at making our lives difficult and deserves nothing from me.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: GiveItToGOD ]</small>

#840047 01/27/05 06:38 PM
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Oh I didn't say you should be the one to tell her. IMO that is just OM not being honest yet again. But not really your bag of worms.
How far along is your wife? I am just wondering how long it will be before you know paternity results. Do you want to know results, or do you just want to be the father regardless?

#840048 01/27/05 06:50 PM
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She is due in 4 months.

I'm not sure...somedays i feel like it doesn't matter but I honestly am having a tough time planning for that. My wife can't imagine not knowing but is also unsure.

#840049 01/27/05 07:01 PM
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Well that is an awesome verse you have posted. I would probably give it some time- how long since you found out about the A? You probably just need time to heal your marriage and cling to each other, go to counseling, pray together- then ask God to reveal what He wants you to do. Is OM willing to stay out of your lives even if the child is his?

#840050 01/28/05 12:07 PM
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I was the FWS...or the wife like in your situation. But paternity wasn't questionable, we both knew it was the OM...who was also married. My H and I wanted to try to make our marriage work but still there was the unknown if we could, especially after the twins got here. We talked to a couple of attorneys before the babies got here. Free consultations. We were told that if there was some uncertainty that we should not put H on the birth certificate. So that is what we did. We took our time with our decisions. It is mind boggling trying to add in all the different factors. We didn't even make our decision till the babies were about 4 months old. So I wouldn't feel an undue hurry in the situation. You can add yourself the the BC at a later date, or you can seek to get paternity established first.
To add some comfort...my H had a hard time while the babies were still in my belly. But once they came out he was right there taking care of them in the hospital. He even slept with the babies all cuddled on the hospital couch bed. The nurses asked if he was okay with them (like he wouldn't roll on them, so I had to assure them he was just fine). Maybe at times he had to make an effort to bond (hard for me to speak for him) but to me it looked so natural and he obviously loves them as his own now. They are 2 1/2 years old.
I think you are making the best choice not letting OM wife know if she has already caused enough crap to you and your wife. Wait till after the birth because you and your wife don't need anymore added stress.
Do you have other children?

#840051 01/28/05 12:12 PM
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also wanted to add, in a lot of states there is a 2 year rule. That if the baby was born within a marriage, and you don't file something saying the baby might not be yours within a 2 year time frame...that the baby is considered yours legally even if DNA proves otherwise.

#840052 01/28/05 12:30 PM
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we have two boys and the doctor says this one is a girl. I want so much for it to be mine. It sounds like chances are it is but there is still a chance that it is not.

#840053 01/28/05 12:43 PM
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Since you are MARRIED, you are in a VERY unique situation that includes an opportunity that us BW never have.

YOU can CHOOSE this baby to be yours, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

There is a FWW on here who has NEVER had a paternity test done on her child. Her H has claimed this child as his own & they plan to NEVER do a paternity test. IT is HIS for all intents & purposes.

YOU can make that choice. IT is soley up to you. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in that position but I can appreciate it. Many BW wish we could have that choice.

If you WANT this child to be yours then it IS. And the LAW will support you in this.

You can take this opportunity to go on w/ your lives, heal your marriage & love this child & allow your common love for this child to bring you even closer together & be a daily reminder of what you ALMOSt lost & gave up, what you COULD HAVE lost but didn't.

THere is that possibility that this chidl was not concieved by you but there IS that possiblity that it was.

And you have the power to make that possibility a fact by staying married & raising this chidl as your own.

DO you WANT to keep your marriage? OR are you waiting to decide by the paternity of this child?

Because if you WANT to keep your marraige then DO. Work on your marriage & don't look back.

sincerely,
kt

#840054 01/29/05 01:09 AM
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There is no question about my marriage. My marriage is stronger then ever thanks to the might works God has done in our lives. The problem is we have always thought it was awful that a family member of ours was adotped and didn't even know it. Now we are in a similar situation. How do you keep the truth from a child their entire lives?

#840055 01/28/05 02:17 PM
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It would NOT be awful---it would be keeping ADULT business private.

AND you would NOT be adopting your child. Since you are married...the child IS yours.

I believe that many times adults reveal 'secrets' to appease their OWN guilt & that is not necessarily in the best interest of the other party & especially NOT children.

A child should not have to bear the burden of their mother's indiscretions by doubting their father's love or relationship.

That is ONLY how I see it, my opinion & POV.

It will ultimately be up to you to decide but EVEN then I would hope you would NOT be sharing this info w/ your kids until they were ALL adults anyway.

I was told in my pre-teen years that my DAD was NOT my bio. (not A, but teenage pg)The information did nothing positive for my life & I wish my parents had not told me. IT only created feelings of rejection & abandonement----plus teenage girls LOVE drama, self-inflicted or not & it forever changed my relationshp w/ my dad & not for the better. I love him dearly & think he was also hurt by me knowing the 'truth'.

Just another POV to consider, & even if you are under the idea that you SHOULD tell, like I said before it should not be for YEARS so you have plenty of time to think about it & change your mind.

THis is you & W business & it does NOT have to involve your kids. If there was no resulting pg would you feel the need to tell your kids of mom's A? SO.....I see it the same...no need to tell them @ all.

God bless you,
kt

#840056 01/28/05 05:09 PM
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I personally believe a person deserves the right to know their true paternity. We had a couple of situations in my family for me to feel that way. But everyone is diffent. Like KT wishes she didn't know and it didn't do anything for her. So it is a personal choice...but this is a choice that you and your wife will have to make for this child if you do a paternity test and the result comes back negative that it is your child. You have time, all these decisions don't have to be made all at once. Wait till the baby gets here if you want. Then decide if you think you need to know the childs paternity. Then if you do that step...when you get the results back and if the child isn't yours...then you can take some time to decide what is the best for you family then.

#840057 01/28/05 05:35 PM
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GiveittoGod,

Well, we are now almost 5 years post d-day, and our little girl will be 4 in 2 months. In our situation, due to our familie's safety, no DNA has ever been done, and xMOM(married other man) never knew of the P. That has made it so much easier for us to deal with everything, and since DNA has never been established, we consider it not an issue. For you, however, you may have a battle ahead of you if the xMOM chooses to fight for paternal rights if you do the DNA and the test is favorable for him and not you. I would contact a family attorney and see what your rights actually are at this point. I say this because in some states, if the xMOM wants to, he can file for his rights. Right now, find out what you can and can't do, and make a plan and stick with it with your wife. Just my $0.02.

Tigger4jdt

#840058 01/28/05 06:00 PM
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I don't think he would fight for anything. He would be there if he had to but would rather it just isn't his as it would greatly disrupt his family also.

#840059 01/28/05 07:02 PM
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I think you must be such a strong and loving man. You are handling this very well. I just wanted to add that if you choose to have a dna test done, because you feel the need to know you can do so privately without om knowing. You can only determine you own paternity that way, without establishing his. The cost is about $500.00-$650.00. That way you can know and still leave yourself options.

Good Luck!!

#840060 01/29/05 09:34 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GiveItToGOD:
<strong> I don't think he would fight for anything. He would be there if he had to but would rather it just isn't his as it would greatly disrupt his family also. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The above tells me that maybe you should just cut the ties altogether with the xMOM. If he would rather it just be your child anyway, then do so. You sound as if you would love this child no matter what, so do it. The only thing that would make me be hesitant would be if you WEREN'T willing to accept this child as your own, no further questions asked. You said previously that your M is getting stronger every day. The one way to be sure that there will be no further issues with the xMOM is to completely cut him out of your life. It is doable. Look at us! Look at K and his family! Look at Autumnday and her family! Crazymum as well! You and your W need to work together and decide what is best for YOUR family and YOUR M! From the outside looking in to what you have shared with us, it seems this would be the best course of action.

Tigger4jdt

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 08:41 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

#840061 02/01/05 01:34 AM
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GiveittoGOD, I commend you on sticking with your W throughout this whole ordeal. I give our XOW's H credit as well. In case you haven't read any of my posts, I'm in a similar situation with you in the XOW was married also and was pg with my H's baby. (almost 100% positive but are awaiting test results which we should be receiving any day) The mess with our situation is that my H wants something to do with OC but XOW and her H do not want us to have contact with OC. My H just told me on Friday that the only thing he doesn't like is XOW's parenting style (we were all friends and our kids were/are friends so we were around XOW and her H alot) with his own kids and worries about how he'll be a parent to OC, especially with him knowing that he is not OC's bio dad. It's a tough, tough situation, I know. I'm glad to hear that your M is the best it's ever been. I hear that that's the first thing that needs to be rectified before bringing OC and visitation, etc. into the mix. I think my H and i are leaning towards trying to repair the damage in our M before going forward with the OC issue. Not sure, though. H changes his mind on a daily basis.

Good luck to you.

#840062 01/31/05 02:28 PM
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GiveItToGod~

I have never posted in this section just becuase I was afraid, well I'm not sure exactly what I was afraid of anymore but anyways.

I want to commend you for having the strength to support your spouse and for all the others who have supported their spouses through out what some consider a very trialing ordeal.

I am a WS who is due on March 3rd with a child that has questionable paternity. My H told me on Saturday that in his heart he feels this child is not his, I feel for him. In my heart I have always felt it was his, I know that this is not his fault, I don't blame him. He has however supported me through out all of this and is still going to be there during the delivery. It has taken us a while to get where we are but I am trying.

I think everyone is right in saying if you WANT this child to be yours, then it WILL be, no matter what. If that is what is in the best interest of the child, which it sounds like would be, then do the right thing. If when the child becomes an adult and you feel the need to tell her, you will always know who he is and she can then find him if she wants to.

Although she is due in 4 months and there is a risk to both mother and child (small) you could have an amniocentisis performed to get DNA now. I would wait a day longer though because there is a time limit on the weeks of pregnancy that you can no longer do the test.

My XMOM does know the paternity is questionable, and does not want anything to do with this child. My H is unsure wether he can be a father to a child that is not his, plus the fact that he has filed for divorce in December.

I am trying to salvage our marriage but it is very difficult with the paternity in question. My H does not have the strength that you do. I need to take care of myself before I can begin to take care of anything else, I am taking those steps.

Because of the devastation I have caused in the last 2 years, I have NO ONE in my life anymore. These forums and my therapist along with a distant H is all that I have.

If any of you have never heard an apology from any OM or OW, then I'm am sorry for all the devastation we have caused your friends and families. I wish this on no one.

For those of you who are strong enough to heal from this Bless You and yours.

GiveItToGod~Many Blessing that he will see you through this.

SG

My heart goes out to all of you in this very difficult situation.

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