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Joined: Dec 2004
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I just wanted to know how many BWs get along w/ their ow and vice versa? And if you do get along w/ your OW what are some ways you have found an equilibrium? I really would like to have a better relationship w/ ow and wanted to know how others are dealing w/ it. Thanks in advance for your help.

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cas, I don't know to many except one or two, but I can say this....all the adults HAVE to be just that......adults. I wish I could give you some advise on this. I can't remember what issues (except the affair) that you two have (xow and you).

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Thanks NTMO. All i know for sure is tghat in the beginning we didn't exactly get along. I tried and I'm sure she did too but it just didn't work. she'd say something and I'd take it the wrong way and just go off. I even wrote her a really nasty letter just because I was hurt and wanted her to feel the pain she had help inflict. After my nasty letter we really didn't speak to each other at all.. In short we just both became digusted w/ one another. Recently she has been calling for my H about Oc and we've talked and it doesn't seem too bad. I fell like we're able to actually communicate a little now. I'm actually grateful. I know we probably wont be best friends but I kind of would like us to be able to be friends or at least find a way that we can work together and not step on each others toes. I've told my H how I feel and he actually said that she had expressed similar intrest but her and I have never discussed it. I was just wondering how others who have made it work are making it happen. Sometimes the whole ow/ oc thing gets so overwhelming that I want to end the marriage because I don't think I can deal. But I really want it to work. I want it all to work out for everyone.

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Good question cali. I've extended an olive branch to OW but no response. Not really sure how to proceed. It just seems that for the sake of OC, she would rather speak to me. H doesn't always seem to relay info correctly or he edits stuff that doesn't seem important to him.

ent

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I am friends with my OW (Jami).
When I first found out about the affair and my stepson I was devestated. (the A had been over for 2 yrs at this point). I listened to everything my H had to say but that just wasnt enough for me. I finally forced him to give me her phone #. (they live 800 miles from us). At first she was afraid to talk to me, but she finally did. She answered every question that I had. She held nothing back. She apologized to me.
We talked on the phone several times over the next couple of weeks. She sent me pictures of Tylor. The kids started talking on the phone.
About 3 weeks after I found out. I decided I wanted to meet her in person, So i loaded my H and the kids in the van and drove up to meet her.
After we got to her house and the kids all got aqauinted(SP), they went outside to play. I then told Jami and my H exactly how devestated I was. I wanted them to hear the exact same words that the other did. I wanted everything out in the open. No more lies or sneaking around. After this we took Tylor to the hotel with us for the weekend. A couple of hours later, I left my H with all 5 kids and met Jami at a coffee shop near by. We talked for 3 or 4 hours. The next day I went to her house alone and we talked again.
For the first 6 months or so after D-day all comunication went thru me. After awhile it didnt/doesnt bother me if they talk. I know that their relationship is over.
I think for me it was her willingness and openess to talk to me. To answer all my questons.
Her and Tylor came and spent a month here. She stayed 3 or 4 days with me and the kids. (my H was still in the navy and wasnt home). I felt she needed to be here at the beginning for Tylor.
I didnt want to push myself on him and wanted him to be comfortable with me. She then went and stayed a couple of weeks with my sister and then a couple of weeks with my MIL, while Tylor stayed with us. We spoke on the phone and saw each other a couple of times a week.
We were able to build a friendship. My kids think she is neat. We talk on the phone every couple of weeks. We e-mail each other all the time. Hopefully we will get to get Tylor this summer and maybe see her for a day or two.
We made a choice for everyone involved to be friends. It takes time. I believe it can happen if everyone is willing to do the work.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Tylorsstepmom ]</small>

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I really needed to hear a success story. Thanks tylors step mom. I was wondering since friendship is honestly something I would like to establish w/ ow how do you think I should go about it? If you like you can email me at **edit**. I appreciate it.

Last edited by MBLovebanker; 05/28/11 10:25 PM. Reason: removing email address
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I just e-mailed you!!!!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by calismile:
<strong> Thanks NTMO. All i know for sure is tghat in the beginning we didn't exactly get along. I tried and I'm sure she did too but it just didn't work. she'd say something and I'd take it the wrong way and just go off. I even wrote her a really nasty letter just because I was hurt and wanted her to feel the pain she had help inflict. After my nasty letter we really didn't speak to each other at all.. In short we just both became digusted w/ one another. Recently she has been calling for my H about Oc and we've talked and it doesn't seem too bad. I fell like we're able to actually communicate a little now. I'm actually grateful. I know we probably wont be best friends but I kind of would like us to be able to be friends or at least find a way that we can work together and not step on each others toes. I've told my H how I feel and he actually said that she had expressed similar intrest but her and I have never discussed it. I was just wondering how others who have made it work are making it happen. Sometimes the whole ow/ oc thing gets so overwhelming that I want to end the marriage because I don't think I can deal. But I really want it to work. I want it all to work out for everyone. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cali, your honesty is inspriational. Really it is. You know what I feel. I feel that what you did was normal. We all react differently in these situations. When someone acts, then reaction happens. No matter the situation. It's human. I think maybe the time has helped. I also think and hope that it works out. Hopefully xow has enough maturtity to put her childs needs first. Also as you said you were a part of the nastyness and not saying she did not have it coming, but that always put people on the defensve. But time heals wounds and it sounds like she wants to put her child's needs first. Don't give up on your marriage. It's getting better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Things take time.

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Wow now this is a thread I can relate to. I did not meet XOW til 2 years after A. She lives in the USA and we live in Australia. H met her almost 3 yearts ago in Poland. Her brother helped me through all of this and I became close to him. We were invited to his wedding in poland last year. She also came over for it. Not only did I have to spend the night of the wedding in her company she and her boyfriend also ended up staying in the same house as my family. Then unbeleivebly we were seated at same table at wedding and also we had organised to go away with the bride and groom for a holiday she also came with her boyfriend..... I was not very happy to say the least lol. But for some very strange reason we were both very drawn to each other and really enjoyed each others company. If she and my H had not had an A she could have been one of my closests friends. Anyway to this day we still speak to each other about once a week and my 15 year old son is flying over to Florida to spend 4 weeks holiday with her. Sometimes I am sure people think I have two heads because I genuenly enjoy her company. If anything it actually made my marriage even stronger H and XOWs family were so happy and proud and see the two of us get alone. My H very rarely has any contact with her only occaionaly when I am on the phone to her and he is at home he will get on to say hello nothing is hidden and all our feelings have been totally laid out there. XOW is certainly sorry for all the pain she caused.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Iamshellshocked:
<strong> Wow now this is a thread I can relate to. I did not meet XOW til 2 years after A. She lives in the USA and we live in Australia. H met her almost 3 yearts ago in Poland. Her brother helped me through all of this and I became close to him. We were invited to his wedding in poland last year. She also came over for it. Not only did I have to spend the night of the wedding in her company she and her boyfriend also ended up staying in the same house as my family. Then unbeleivebly we were seated at same table at wedding and also we had organised to go away with the bride and groom for a holiday she also came with her boyfriend..... I was not very happy to say the least lol. But for some very strange reason we were both very drawn to each other and really enjoyed each others company. If she and my H had not had an A she could have been one of my closests friends. Anyway to this day we still speak to each other about once a week and my 15 year old son is flying over to Florida to spend 4 weeks holiday with her. Sometimes I am sure people think I have two heads because I genuenly enjoy her company. If anything it actually made my marriage even stronger H and XOWs family were so happy and proud and see the two of us get alone. My H very rarely has any contact with her only occaionaly when I am on the phone to her and he is at home he will get on to say hello nothing is hidden and all our feelings have been totally laid out there. XOW is certainly sorry for all the pain she caused. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow that is a cool story. Do you guys get to see oc much? How old is oc? So her brother helped you through it? I'm assuming you guys knew him?

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Needtomoveon
Wow that is a cool story. Do you guys get to see oc much? How old is oc? So her brother helped you through it? I'm assuming you guys knew him?

Sorry I guess I confussed you here OW does not have a child with my H "thank god" I am more on the recovery board but read most of the boards and this was the first time I had seen a story about people likeing the OW and I couldnt help myself replying.
My H went to Poland to work he met XOW Brother in an internet cafe and somehow became very tangled with this family. I never met him until I went to his wedding but we commmunicated alot by email and phone. His sister at that time spoke very little english so a few times I would get him to pass a message on.... and he was also there to support my H through all the turmoil he went through. It is really strange how our families have interwined. But I too am wondering if there are many other people in my situation who became friends with XOW or do I really have 2 heads lol

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Cali,
I'll never call xow my "friend" again b/c she pretended to be my friend throughout the A!!

However, we act "friend-ly" since visitation began last year. Since XOW and I haven't talked about A or *us* in years, I can't really say what's she's thinking. Like to think we try to be very civilized for OC's sake, and xow can see we care for OC.

It's truly worth speaking to your xow and laying out the truth for her: that you care about OC and want to get along for his sake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hopefully she'll respond in kind. If not, then it was never going to work anyway! What have you got to lose?


Iamshellshocked, that's a fascinating story! Welcome to the board! (I love Aussie) Why, though, are you sending your son to stay w/xow?! YUCK.


Best wishes to all,
J
6+yr recovery and glad I stayed

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 03:45 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

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Wow, these stories are inspiring. I think the most imporatnt thing for being some sort of "friends" with the OW is that she is truly repentive and that she doesn't "want" your H anymore. That is not the case with many OW from what I hear on this board. I also noticed that in these situations where thw BW and OW became friends is that the H pretty much stays out of it. I think this helps the BW feel no threat.

In my situation I believe the first is true. Right now, the OW and I have no contact, although we did talk about 2 months after I found out about the A. I initiated it. She didn't want to talk to me yet, I think she was scared. But when we did talk she apologized and that was VERY important to me in being able to get past her part in it.

I hope that one day most contact will come through me and that we can get along. I don't see how we would ever be "friends", but I think I could "like" her and be able to speak to her about things without feeling anger and resentment. I think that will come with time on both our parts. I think she doesn't care who she talks to about things (me or H) I just think right now she doesn't know if I want any C with her, and right now, I'm not sure myself. I know that when the baby comes it will probably happen more often than not. My H has a way of leaving out the details of things that Mom's think is important. So I know when it comes to visitation and "what we did", "how the baby was", she's gonna get better insight from me than him :-).

Hare's to hoping for the strength, courage and insight to being able to carry that off. Wow, I have such respect for the BW who can get past it and be friendly with their FOW. That says a lot about a person and how strong we really are. I'm sorry because I don't feel the same about a FOW. It would be in her best interest to get along w/BW and she has no pain to get over that she herself didn't cause. If only all FOW could see this, they might step down in the "defensive" department and look at the bigger picture.

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colddayinjuly: I hear what your saying. And your right to a point. I agree that ow has 50% blame no if's and or butts. I also think it takes all 3 (sometimes 4) adults to make it work. I also agree that woman have more of a sense of what is going on than men do with details of the baby. I think all MEN LEAVE out details. It's to all benifit that if contact works that all the adults are just that adults and PUT ALL THE KIDS interest first. bc and oc alike.

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Yep, is that not what I said? I guess I just realize that the BW has the bulk of **** to put aside. Too bad more FOW can't realize this and just take a step back and realize it's not all about them !

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Calismile,

BS and I get along fairly well. We’ve had our ups and downs, but with effort, we stabilize and keep going. Absent the affair, BS is someone I would have called a friend. I like her. She’s a nice lady. I understand that because of who I am and what I represent, we will never be best buds, but we are kind to each other. We both got a raw deal and made the best of it. We put aside our differences and do what was best for my son and their daughter. That’s our litmus test, “is this best for the kids?” There have been many times when I had to bite my tongue, suck it up and let her vent. I’m sure she’s done the same with me. Where was xMM in all this? He was out-gunned. Being flanked by two very strong women, he didn’t have many options if he wanted to keep his marriage AND have contact with his son. Actually, I think it was a relief for him to let us take the reins and “work it out”.

I always say, if you want it done right, let a woman do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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OB1, Dont you think that goes against the "BS is not the parent thing?" Most OW feel the BS should have no say in what, when, and where happens if it is to do w/ OC?
So my question is to you and some of the others that "get along" w/ the BS. Do you like dealing w/the BS on parenting issues or not? And do you think this is why C is working because you and the BS communicate and not just you and WS? Just wondering?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

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I wish I could get along with her.

Unfortunately, that is impossible.

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Sunny,

It very well may. But, being honest, I could care less (about "BS is not the parent"). I’m not trying to fill a roll or further alienate us from each other by strictly defining who or what she is. I may be billed as a STOW by some, but I KNOW that I am more than that. By the same token "she" is more than the "BS". My concern is in doing what is fair and what is right. BS has always respected me as Jonas’ mother. She has never tried to call the shots or make demands of me, with regard to my son. We talk, discuss and we learn from each other. I remain open-minded and so does she. This woman is my son’s father’s WIFE. She WILL play an integral part in my son’s life, by virtue of who she is and her connection to him. I would be stupid and negligent to disregard her or try to exclude her from my child’s life. She is his step-mom…..the operative word being M-O-M. She’s a mom, period. She has a good heart and that’s what I choose to focus on.

You remind me a lot of “my” BS, Sunny. You do what is best for baby A. I know it’s a tough road to walk, yet you do it….and you do it with grace.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: ohbratti1 ]</small>

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I would much rathe deal with a woman when it comes to children as they are more intuned. I think a man should take responsiblity of there kids, but lets face it woman are just more in tunned.

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