Thanks KT - you got it. I'm not feeling well today - and I think you know what I meant. Older kids DO have a mind of their own and can make up their own minds about things. They understand the whole *infidelity* thing a lot more than younger kids would.

Joshmom I think you dont understand that my children made that conclusion before I ever knew of the oc. Actually thats pretty much how I found out.... my oldest was breaking down and crying all the time. I knew she knew of the adultery, I knew something more was wrong I just didnt know what. My H was coddling the kids for a long time before I knew, he put it in thiers heads that he would never contact the child and that it was a disgrace and that it should not exist so we should all just ignore it. He would never claim that child so its not his even if it turned out to be his with DNA. Those were my middle childs exact qoutes from what her father told her.

I am sorry at 16 years old my daughter has a mind of her own, and I am sure you know that most girls dont follow the lead of the mother and this rebellius time.
I am ashamed and embarrased for my children, I would never hide that I think its ok. I feel the same for the OC, the situation I feel is worse because my kids can choose not to ever have to explain away the oc existence , but the oc has to explains away the non existence of its biofather and the no contact due to biomother psychosis. That will occur on a regular basis for the oc, but my children will always have the parents in thier lives.

Cordelia - I agree that at 16 a child has a mind of their own - they're on the edge of NOT being a child any more! But would they (all) have felt the same if your H had never said anything and the two of you told them about the OC together in a different way? I'm not arguing, or forcing a point, I'm just wondering, that's all.

Cordelia, I'm really sorry for your kids' pain. I agree w/Jmom that there were better ways for your H to "frame" OC, but I know it's too late now! Maybe you can get them some counseling to help resolve their feelings.

I was totally prepared to take my kids to counseling and still will if it seems helpful at any point.

J

Well, after doing some research and listening to people's stories. Here's what I think.

Teenagers and middle schoolers are bound to be embarassed by the situation because that's the age when they don't want to be "different". Little ones are likely to go with whatever Mom and Dad decide and that becomes their "norm". And either way I think most adults with OC and some point want to meet their half-sib, but not necessarily the OW. And if the M ever ends in D, likely the kids will blame Dad for the A. Sometimes even if they don't depending on the state of their marriage. JMHO.

I don't think there's a "win-win" situation in this case, but do think some fair better than others depending on about a million things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by colddayinJuly:
<strong>I don't think there's a "win-win" situation in this case, but do think some fair better than others depending on about a million things. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I completely AGREE!!!

There are some things that can NOT be fixed, in life.

xoxox
kt

another perspective...I was dating a guy last year and he is an OC..well sort of anyway...his parents were married but his dad took off when he was a baby and he went on to have another family. He never had contact with his Dad. He's 35 now and when I asked him if he was interested in meeting his half siblings he said NO WAY. He didn't consider them family. Actually maybe he would be considered a child of the marriage??

I can see how he would feel that way considering he probably doesn't consider his estranged father family either. Maybe if he had a relationship w/his father he'd feel different??

Cold It's okay for you to feel that way and wonder. But you know what at least in my case people do know what happened and YES it is embrassing too. The fact that I had a relationship with a mm and GOT pregnant. That is a biggie. I love my daughter and your right I have a baby out of it. Did not want another baby at all let alone like this, but it was what I was dealt. I'm very blessed that she is in my life, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying everyone that knows me or I run into knows about the affair. But close friends and my whole family knows. My father is a retired minister so he was the hardest one to tell it too. Some of my closest associates at work knew and I had to tell my broker of the company as we were in a huge legal battle with each other. Just in case they tried to pull something at my work. Your right though that some probally don't say a word about it. With her being a teacher she probally does not share that info with a lot there as the job she has. There are things she has to live with too....if she is remorsefull the guilt with that.....the fact that her child will from day one be taken into two homes which can work, but not ideal. If she has other kids at some point she will have to explain to them. My kids are 6. They know the baby is not from there father and that her father is not around. They are too young to go into further details, but eventually I will tell them the whole truth. I just hope and pray they go off my example NOW and learn from my mistakes.

I agree about the no-win situation. But personally I believe it's all about the presentation.

I made sure my kids weren't stressed out by other things at the time I told them. Made sure they had eaten before hand. Cell phones off. My kids were 13 and 19. But above all I made DAMN sure I wouldn't cry!! For me it was to show them my strength and that Mom was ok. I made sure I was rational and factual. I knew there was plenty of time later for me to show emotions with them. That's why I told them instead of their dad. He was such a wreck. Plus he couldn't promise me he wouldn't cry.

The whole conversation took about 2 hours. After it was over my son and daughter went to go have an ice cream to talk amongst themselves. I let myself cry and scream into the pillows AFTER they left. When they came back, they had MORE questions and the biggest was "why didn't dad tell us?"

That was tough. I explained that dad felt he had hurt them so much by this, he wouldn't be able to even talk to them through his tears. So I said I would do it and then later we would sit down with dad.

Gio...I am truly sorry for the pain this is causing you now. It's rough and crappy. I think the best thing you can show to your children, should you decide to tell them, is YOUR STRENGTH!!

ent

Coldday- we both have an event coming up soon.... exposing OC to our children.

I do have to say as comfort, Coldday, that it will be much easier (well on the kids LOL) with the younger ones, as it is true they take lots of cues from you at that age.

I think the questions and understanding of it all will not come to be until they are getting older-- and you can keep an open forum about it, or "sneak" in some discussions with them as they are growing up. This will keep the communication and questions and fears always answered by you and H. I think at a younger age - the kids will actually hardly remember life before OC, and it will be a part of their growing up process and it will less questioned, kwim?

I wish my children were a bit younger. There is one who is just a teenager and the other 2 who very much admire their older stepbrother. I fear for my bio son to "poison" the pre-teens because the preteens are so impressionable now. All three of them definitely have very strong personalities and are outspoken. I am scared, but I believe that since they were involved in the turmoil of our separation and fights and know of the cheating (I've actually talked to my son heart to heart about that one before)... i think the OC news will be ok.

I think the best time and the main thing-- is that you tell them at a time time when the marriage has shown a daily example of love and normalcy. Our M has been better than ever for one year now!! (not perfect but the best year to reflect on w/kids in proving to them ITS OKAY! WE ARE OVER THIS AND WE FORGAVE!) .....

Thank you, Ent, for sharing your story and for your support. I think you handled your children wonderfully that day!

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>