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Joined: Feb 2002
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I have been married for a little over 5 years, havea 2 year old little girl who I adore and about 4 months ago ran into an old lover from graduate school and now meet him 1-2 times per week for lovemaking sessions at his house and dinners out etc. etc. I just got back this morning from spending the night at his house while n\my in-laws were in town watching our baby overnight at thier hotel (my husband went out to play cards with friends, I told them I was going out on the twon with friends when I actually went to his house, made love for several hours, went out to dinner, went in the jacuzzi and made love most of the night) I love my husband and daughter however this man gives me something that my husband I think is incapable fo giving me. I feel very guilty however not guitly enough to stop.

I love my affair. It is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in years. He is a fabulous lover but most of all he listens to me and adores me.

I know it is wrong, I do know that. Why am I doing this and has anyone been in this situation, what happens next? What should I do? I love them both. THe affair will never lead to marriage-ever-it is more fun than anything else plus we are from very different cultural backgrounds (jewish vs. iranian)

Please write and let me know what you think


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Someone who "listens and adores" you is a very powerful narcotic, eh? Nevertheless, you are engaged in behavior that will hurt your H and family.

You've posted in a part of the forum that gets very little traffic. I'd suggest you read thru this series of articles from the info available here, and then consider postinbg under on the the infidelity areas of the bb...

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: kam6318 ]


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Are you sure you really want to hear what in your heart you KNOW to be true???? Be sure, your sin will find you out... it may not be today or even in the next few years... but believe me.. you will be scared for life. You have chosen a path well traveled by many broken hearts. One that can only lead to the death of your marriage and the death of the love your H has for you now. Weigh the cost of what you are doing. Sex is the devils strongest weapon used against us. Yet with your husband, it is Gods most beautiful gift. Don't let this temporary lust for pleasure destroy you family. Stop while you still can. Listen to one who is now spending long sleepless nights alone and pray for only one change to prove to my husband that I do love him. Yet, this love is too late. Trust is gone and now SHE is there to comfort his pain. THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE, YOU FAMILY AND STOP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. TRUST ME.. IT ISNT WORTH THE PAIN, HEARTACHE AND SORROW. The world tells you .. go on everyone is doing it... but you know it is wrong! Catch your heart and grab a hold of your emotions while you still can. Rededicate you life to your husband and you child. Ask yourself what is more important in life? As of right now.. you are on your way to becoming ...just another broken marrage and your child a victom of sexual immorality... DIVORCE!

Joined: Jul 2001
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Please read the posts in the "Recovery" section and see the agony felt by the betrayed spouses as well as the guilt and shame felt by the unfaithful ones.

I was where you are. It was 4 years ago. Now when I look back, it was just a fantasy. There was no real LOVE there. It feels like it is at the time, but IT ISN'T REAL. Real love is where you can be out in the open and there is nothing to hide. It is when there is not a H at home.

Please read the posts and think about what you are doing. You will have to carry this baggage in your history for the rest of your life. It never goes away. Take care and the best of luck to you.


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Take it from a husbands point of view.

I am in the same shoes as your H. First of all the other person will always find out. Your acts are selfisha nd your not thinking of your child. People are entitled to have their own lives but not at the expense of others. Especially a child that has done nothing to deserve this. You may think that your child is not effected but she will be. The fact that you posted your concerns on this website is a positive one. If your looking for approval of your actions I dont think your going to find it here. Your current actions are based on lies and pain. It may feel good to you now but just wait till later.

You married your H for a reason. Try to find what those reasons are again.

Lou


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There are answeres to your post in Plan A/Plan B.
Take a look.

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I can't believe how similar our situations sound, so maybe you will pay special attention to my advice. I've been married for just over 4 1/2 years and recently ended a lengthy affair with my lover for the second time. I understand how you feel you love both your H and friend at the same time. You are not crazy, it is possible. But if your feelings for this person will not grow simply because you know there is no future for the two of you, YOU ARE WRONG. I'm Italian and lover was Indian. We to had great "relations" and I thought it would not go any where further because of our different cultures, but feelings will grow. Over 1 1/2 later after our affair coming out, my husband has decided to give us another chance and I grabbed it. Even though I was torn between the two I felt that what I have with my husband is real love. My advice to you is to end it. Fix your relationship with your husband just as I am trying to do. It won't be easy and the withdrawl symptons for your lover are terrible (still suffering), but it's not worth the damage you'll cause. If you ever want to talk feel free to e-mail me at: brianna_38@hotmail.com I wish I found this website before my affair gor to the point it did.

Brianna


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i'm not here to tell you that your sinning, or that your a bad person, or even that what your doing can't be fun. i'll leave everyone else on this site to that.

all that i want to point out is that if you can have fun being with someone else then you need to reconsidder your love for your husband.

i'm a male deeply in love with my fiance and i could simply not have fun with anyone else, and if i were ever to do it for any reason i would at least have the decency to tell my fiance and accept the consiquence.

now as to why it happens, this is EASY! it's a commonly known philosophy entitled "Forbidden Fruit"
you want it because you cannot have it. it's that simple. and now that you have it you want it because it's dangerous.

all that i ask is that you truly reconsidder your love for your husband, and his deserving to know


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You affair can only go one place, nowhere.

But the fact that your wrote means you want to be found out, test the waters. Find somone - like a counselor and work through what you need to do.

I was there too. Thousands of people are. And most stories are the same, tragedy. Can you imagine how YOU are going to feel when you have to discuss the details of the rendezvous with your husband?

Can you imagine what it feels like FOR YOU to go into detail about the sex act and what it was that your husband could not provide? Can you imagine what YOU will feel like years later watching a movie or story with your child and someone lies or betrays a trust? Can you imagine what it feel like TO YOU when you tell your husband you will be home late, when he sits there in silence or worse when he cries and there is nothing you can do to console him?

Think about how YOU will feel! In time, the pleasure of what you did will be surpassed by the shame. And your affair will end in tragedy.

In time you will be found out. It may be worse if you are NOT found out. At least with exposure you can reclaim your integrity, even if it means losing your family.

I'm there now. My family is gone. It's been three years and how I miss them!

Why do you think I'm up reading and writing replies.


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You are not living in reality right now. Somehow, you are making this ok to yourself but it's not. Do look in the infidelity section of this web site and think about what you are doing. My husband revealed his A to me a few months ago. I cannot in words describe the anguish I lived through, truly if it hadn't been for my children, I would be dead just because the pain and depression that resulted from this news was so very hard. You may think I am being dramatic but seriously, if you read about it you will see that this is a normal reaction, that it is one of the most painful experiences in life.

If you care for your family you will get a counsellor and stop doing this now. There is nothing about this that is ok. Get counselling for your marriage and make that the focal point of your life, having someone else involved with you just makes a good marriage impossible. This is not ok. You are hurting your husband and child, they just don't know it yet.

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I hate to tell you this getreal9 but your posting to a long gone member (her last post was in March of 2002). Just thought you like to know.

Joined: May 2003
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wow! what would you do if your husband was doing the same thing to you? would you divorce him? will he divorce you if he finds out what you are doing? if you really and truely love your husband, would you be having an affair? i don't think so. this kind of BS is exactly what leads to a major trouble. my advice would be to stop the affair and never tell anyone it happened.

Joined: Oct 2002
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Princess,

I have to give you a hand - it is tough to come right out and say I am in an A and I love it! I am in recovery from my W affair of two years so let me share with you some feelings.........

We dont have a lot of background so it is hard to understand you - how did you drift apart from your
s? Was it just sex............or did your husband just get into other things in his life? Does he know - ie. have you told him in plain english that you need his attention, admiration, love, body, etc etc?

Have you thought what it would be like to have your husband sitting there while you are with the OM? What would he think? How would you? How would the OM?

The fantasy is exciting and the fog surrounding the adventure makes is surreal - unfortunately, as you step it up and the intensity grows, your S will know - perhaps he does already. I did, months before DD but I couldnt deal with reality until I knew that I was losing her. And I almost did.........God was there when I asked for his help.

Did you love your S when you first met? Did he satisfy your needs then?

The fog makes it really tough to see reality......why is the OM there? What are his motives?

Why dont you invite your S to join the two of you - this would surely produce excitment!

The problem with compartmentalizing - which is what you are doing - is that it just doesnt work too long - sooner or later - you confuse us - I knew it by the way she changed her dance style.......by the way she made love........just ever so different. By the change of patterns and habits and so many other things.......and it almost killed me. My heart was breaking little by little - and the longer this went on - her A went on for several years - the more I took it out on her......actually making the OM look even better!

Take a good look at him - can he step into the role of your S? can he replace him? does he want to? If not, why not? What happens if you have his baby? Or are you prepared to take the life of an innocent unborn if you (literally) screw up?

A relationship is tough....grinding out your day to day living with all the hassles of everyday life make an A an exciting side road.......the only problem is that too often that side road leads you into a blind turn that ends in a cesspool.....
Its hard to swim in quicksand.

Maybe your S is not the right guy for you....should you not be honest with him and yourself and take this to him?

Oh but that would spoil the fun and games!

I have rediscovered my W after 32 years of marriage and, she me......the OM memories are still strong.......he was a formable opponent - young, a great bohemian lover, well endowned, great singer, wrote mushy poetry, etc etc, I was just an older business man too focused on my business to see through her fog.....which I guess was mine too.

I am fighting tooth and nail to continue to grow our love and believe my W is too......

Take this to your husband and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he throws you out, you can still be with your lover.....Will he want you then........but maybe, your husband will reach like I did...accepting blame as well and willing to work together to rebuild what we once had.....

You have some soul searching girl....you can't have your cake and eat it too........life has a funny way of smacking you in the face with a two x four when you least expect it.....

Go to your husband while there is still time

I hope for your family's sake that you show a little courage.

jasmab

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My wife was just caught 5 weeks ago. She now wishes it had never happened, because of all the people it hurt. I am sure when it was happening she enjoyed the attention and the sex, but she now realizes that is was not worth it.

I hope you get caught soon. Then maybe you will wake up and realize that you husband can give you everything the other man gives you, if you will just communicate with him your needs.

I will keep my person feelings about you out of this post, because they are not productive. I do pray that you get caught or come to your senses soon. The longer this goes on the more hurt you are facing.

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Sounds like you are having a great time. At the expense of the people that depend upon you most in the entire world. I will refrain from any further comment.

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Just one more comment ...you are a rather spiteful one aren't you, posting under low cost dates. You really do flatter yourself. Get off the stage. This is not Hollywood. Take this story to your psychiatrist, where it belongs.

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[Eek!] [Eek!] STARFISH-LOOK-HERE [Eek!] [Eek!] [Eek!]

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are you still around? have you gotton caught yet?
let us know whats going on?

or did you not like what people said to you,
there was nothing left for me to say.

I think they all said what needed to say and I agree with them tell your husband.

you are in for a rude awakening..
God help you and your family.

STOP..and tell him..before you hurt more people, [Roll Eyes]

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Fellow MBers I suspect that your wise words may be falling on deaf ears considering that her last post was over a year ago (March 2002).

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Wow. Posting to a ghost. I just want to know one thing. What in the hell is a Bohemian lover ? And how can I become one if it is a good thing? Is there a course for this? Where are they held?...Just kidding...sort of.
I apologize..but I am fdeeling a little jaunty tonight..not trying to make light of others tough situations...been there...done that...have the tatoo ( or is it marks).
TMCM...I have given my wife the opportunity to leave...she continues her affair ...and I assume her drinking(found a flask of whisky in her drawer(of her dresser).
I am filing for divorce...and to top it off ...she has been getting legal notices in the mail because she has not made her CS payments in three months...there is a hearing in July on the 10th.
She has been totally uninterested in getting counseling,being civil or anything else that goes along with reconciliation and quite frankly, I am tired of trying and helping.
The kids seem to be at peace with all of this and are doing well. And I am, for once, looking forward to life again. This time, without her. I cannot wait.

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