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#842799 12/29/02 08:47 PM
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Hello Everyone,
I am new to this site, but I've seen a lot of topics that I can relate to. I am a 21 year old mother of 2. My H and I have been married for 3 years and have been together for 7 years. We have had a couple of problems throughout our relationship, but we made it through. The thing that's on my mind tonight is. I really think that my husband is or has cheated on me. About a year or to ago I started finding phone numbers and women started coming to me telling me things. My H is a very handsome man and very fit. He body builds and is also a public safety police on our college campus. There have been many women that have took interest in him since we've been together. At first he paid no attention to them but now it seems that he can't resist the attention that he gets from them. To get an understanding of what I am about to say you all need to know that for about a year now my husband and I have not lived together for about a year now because of other reasons. I have seen a black car over by the res. where he stays. the other day I ran the tag of the car and found out who it belonged to and it belongs to a woman I know. He says that the car is at the apt. next to his friends but I don't think so. i really don't know what to think but........You never know what's going on.
I know that my marriage will be blessed by God, but I just want to know what you all think
help please...

#842800 01/04/03 12:00 PM
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married,

I don't really have any advice for you, but I thought you might want to post this in another forum that has more traffic. It seems that the "just found out" or the "general questions II" forums would be more appropriate, and I know a lot more people go to those on a daily basis.

#842801 01/22/03 04:13 PM
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My opinion is that it is likely that he is cheating on you or has. I know this is the worse feelings to feel. But if you have doubts about his faithfulness, then you need to find out! There are many ways to do that. I'm not a Private investigator, but I know that I would somehow find out. You have to. How can your issues be resolved without trusting and knowing. You and your husband could never resolve your problems unless you start with a clean slate. Unfortunatelly, it is highly unlikely that he will be honest with you (if he did have an affair). You need to somehow find out. You need to resolve your issues with your husband. You must set goals and do something EVERY DAY to work towards that goal. I don't know if you are, so I apologize if you are. Don't wait for him. Decide what will make you happy and set goals to achieve your happiness. If those plans and goals don't work out, at least you can say you gave it all you had and you tried. This will allow you to move on and set new goals for yourself. One thing I have learned through the troubles in my life is: Listen to that voice within you. Think back about all the mistakes you've made in your life. Think about that inner voice and what it was telling you. For me, if I would have listened, I would be a much happier and a better person and I really believe it is the only way to find emotional security and happiness. Sometimes what it is telling you sounds impossible, but that's only because you've been ignoring it for too long.
p.s. Don't listen to your inner voice if you are depressed, see a doctor or counselor.
If you find out he has cheated on you, well, that is another subject in which you will need help with.

I wish you the best of luck

#842802 02/10/03 05:34 AM
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Spouses know when something is up. The situation is somehow out of whack, and we can't put our finger on it. We suspect and can't confront without proof.

Asking without proof will surely get a denial -- as some will deny it even when caught in the act.

Trust your instincts and see what types of transparency you can create by asking if he will share all information. If he balks, he's hiding something -- generally manipulating you by responding defensively, "You trust me don't you?" Your answer should be, "No, not when it comes to infidelity. Just about anyone is capable of murder, and anyone is capable of cheating, too."

Steve Harley says that there is no secrecy or privacy in a marriage. YOU MUST NEVER TRUST YOUR SPOUSE THAT YOU CREATE A FERTILE ENVIRONMENT OPPORTUNITY FOR AN AFFAIR.

He's already out of the house, which means you can't really check on him. He's free from regular scrutiny. His actions certainly indicate that he NEEDS to be free for a reason.

He's probably cheating, and has rationalized that he's not going to hurt you as much by easing his way away from you.

If you need proof before you confront, hire a PI for surveillance. Know ahead of time whether you'll leave or try for a second chance once the proof is obtained. Most of the time, you'll get the proof.

For many, we don't really want to know the truth -- "trust" or denial of the possibility of an A makes us very susceptible to have one occur. People who don't trust their partners don't let opportunities occr. It's weird that way.

More often than not, when a spouse suspects an inappropriate relationship, either EA or PA -- the spouse is accurate with the intuition.

It's the issue of proof that hangs things up.

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I just want to say that my wife pulled a very similar stunt on me. The whole time it was going on she told me that they were just friends and nothing was going on. The people here saw what was going on and told me straight up that she was having an affair with this man and maybe others. They were right and we are in recovery now. Trust us-we know first hand how awful it feels to realise what is going on. I in fact landed in the hospital (complete emotional breakdown) for 8 days. I was so bad that I do not remember the first 3 days at all. I learned as you will that the WS (wayward spouse) will play ANY game needed to cover up their actions: DO NOT let them get to you no matter how hard it is. Finally just move on with your life. If you want him back let him go. When my wife realised that I had not called her in many months she became aware that her "men" only wanted sex and cared very little for her. Investigate some: get what you need but don't let it ruin your life. Good luck! I hope all turns out for the better.
ps. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better


Trying to work things out! (I hope this works...) WW-23 Me-26 After multiple EAs and multiple PAs she seems to have come crashing back to earth in flames. Here I am again cleaning up the mess.....

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