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woozy Offline OP
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It breaks my heart but I can't keep doing this. My h has made his choice. I told him on Sunday that I love him and will always love him and that he is stuck with me. I told him I am not going anywhere. But, the thing is, he went somewhere. He went to her. Not to me. I can't keep being treated this way. Of course part of me hopes that by filing for divorce he will wake up and realize what he is doing. I don't know what he wants yet because he doesn't. Although he seems to have decided now since he isn't here with me. I still haven't heard a thing from him. He did send our boys an e-mail V-Day card and told them he loves them. The thing is, I know he loves me too. I got an e-mail card from him on Sunday night. He told me he loves me. He said he knows that must be hard for me to believe right now but that he does. Well, I believe that he loves me. I do with all my heart. But he is just so messed up right now. So, I am going to go ahead and get things rolling on this divorce. I am afraid if I don't that my h will go ahead and start the process. I don't know if I am better off filing first or letting him. I still have to wait for the attorney to call me back. I don't know when he will do that. I was hoping sometime today. I need to get some advice on all this stuff! I just can't keep putting myself and my boys and my family through all of this. It has to stop. I do want my husband but I don't know what to do anymore! THE END! Bummer! <P>~Woozy

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Woozy....how about moving to Plan B first BEFORE thinking about divorce??<P>((((WOOZY))))

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Woozy,<P>DO NOT file for divorce if you are not 100% sure that is what you want. <P>I understand hoping it will wake him up, but it may only reenforce the idea that only ow truely loves and understands him.<P>Remember, he is not in his right mind at this point.<P>Woozy, my h lived with the wildebeast for 1 and 1/2 years ! I can't tell you how often I thought of divorce, or worse. But if I had done that he would have most likely never taken me back.<P>Never do anything without being ready to live with your decision. You have to know that he may never come back if you file, let him file if anyone does. You don't want a divorce, so don't make him think you do.<P>I know you hurt, been there , felt that. My son was only 5 when h did that. It was horrible, he left me at his mothers house with 20 cents and 2 packs of cigarettes and 2 suitcases of clothes. That was it. <P>Don't worry soon enough ow will show her true colors, you keep going on with plan A for a while. Then if you still want to file you can do so without any guilt, you will know you have done everything in your power to save your marriage, and pray Wooze, pray alot, cry out to God , He will hear you and He will help you over this.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

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woozy Offline OP
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Hi Deb and No Trust,<P>The reason I feel the need to file is because I think that the ow is going to put him up to filing. She's done it twice now and is a pro at it. I have never done it and never intended to. Of course it isn't what I want! But, I am not what my husband wants either! I am just getting tired of him coming in and out of our lives as he pleases. It is hard on me and our boys. I know I don't want a divorce! I just don't know what he wants. Right now, it seems he wants the ow. I am not sure her true colors will ever show through. At least not to him. He is blinded by her. She is 9 years older than him and she cheated several times on her first husband, broke up her current husband's marriage and is now cheating on him with my h. Of course she has since divorced this husband. She even told my husband she was a slut in high school. You know the sick part, I think that actually turned my husband on. Isn't that disgusting! I guess I am just getting tired being made a fool. I know I need to do what I think is right in my heart. If I went with my heart, I wouldn't be doing the divorce thing. Right now though, I feel like I am doing the sensible thing. I need to make sure that my kids and I are taken care of somehow. I know it isn't going to be better being divorced. It will be far worse. I read somewhere that after a divorce it is almost always the female that suffers. Well, that will be true in my case! But, I need to do what I have to do. I am getting tired of waiting for him to show up and get his act together. He is too messed up for that. I don't know what his next move will be. He doesn't even know that. So, off I go to divorce court...<P>~Woozy

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I don't know how long this has been going on with your H because it doesn't say in your profile. But I would do a Plan B before a divorce. NO CONTACT! I think a divorce is the last resort. I know you believe that filing will help to put closure on your pain, but a piece of paper does not take away the pain only time does. Do a Plan B for awhile, weeks, months however long it takes. And don't give in just because he SAY'S he wants you, but because he is TRULY ready. Just because you want him to be ready and he says he is, does not mean he really is. He will know and he will show you, not for a day or a few weeks of being good, but when he wakes up he will know. And don't let him make you believe that he is the victim in this. He KNOWS he needs help and he knows what he NEEDS to do, that is all that you can do.

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Well talk to a lawyer, find out about your options and what steps you should take to ensure the best possible outcome for you and the kids. But I don't think you should file.<P>What will you lose by going to Plan B for a while? It can act as a slap of reality too, but without the finality a filing for divorce.<P>Think through your options carefully, try to set the hurt aside for a bit (harder than H*ll I know).

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Woozy, DON'T FILE FOR A DIVORCE UNLESS YOU <B>WANT</B> A DIVORCE! Don't use it hoping to "get a response" from him. Let the ow get him to file then he can "blame" her, not you. I agree you should talk to a lawyer to see what your options are.<P>Everything you have said in this thread sounds like you don't want it. You're just tired of all the crap. Aren't we all? Plan B if at all possible.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

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woozy Offline OP
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Hi Chris,<P>I just went to divorcenet.com. They said that it would be better if I filed first. The thing is, I can't even talk to my husband right now to see what he is thinking. Even if I could talk to him, he still wouldn't be able to tell me what he is thinking because he doesn't know himself. I do have an e-mail address that I can e-mail him at. I guess I have sort of chosen not to at this time. I want him to make the approach. I don't want to appear needy or anything. The other thing is, I know he went back to work where this woman works. So, that is what I am up against. All he has wanted to do for the entire time we were apart is go back to work where he worked with her. Like I said before, I just want to be sure that my kids and I get the most out of it that we can. He has a nice place to live in now seeing as he is living with her. I have a house right now, BUT, I can't afford the house payment. I can't afford the car payment! I work part-time and lately my kids have been getting sick so I keep missing work. I was told that as long as we are married that he is financially responsible for us. If he tries to get out of that, it is considered abandonment. Well, I am out of money this week. I mean, I have some but it isn't going to be enough to get me through! My paycheck is going to be pitiful! I am supposed to go home again this weekend and I don't want to leave the house because I figure he will come here when I am not here and I don't want him doing that. I am a mess right now!<P>~Woozy

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Perhaps see about a legal separation? The money issues (child support, alimony, house payments etc.) can get worked out in this. Then if it comes to divorce, basically everything is already settled. Again, talk to a lawyer about ALL your options before you jump.<P>Above all, remain calm (okay, easier said than done).<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

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Thanks Chris! I am trying to remain calm. It just gets harder and harder with each passing minute. That is because he still hasn't had the decency to call me and tell me what he has done. He let his family deal with it. I don't want a divorce. I want to work on my marriage and save what we had and make it better than it ever was. BUt, I find that very hard when my husband doesn't want that. He just wants the freedom that he thinks this woman can provide him. My children and I are just a burden to him. He doesn't even fully realize what a burden we will be. I don't mean to sound like I am out for revenge. I just know that we need to be taken care of in this whole thing. He is the one that is going to have to do it! I am working and I will work more but I also have to be around for my kids! Seeing as I am going to be the main parent in their lives. This does suck! I am trying to be calm! I have been praying to God. I have been doing that all along. <P>~Woozy

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Woozy,<P>Don't file for divorce!! Don't do it, you will possibly regret it. I don't know what state you live in, but how can you pay the attorney anyway? When I checked the retainer is in the thousands.<P>I agree, with all the others. Can you possibly Plan A just a bit before moving to Plan B (so he remembers that nice warm feeling) and from Plan B maybe the legal seperation for a year? Don't divorce him if he doesn't know, than he doesn't know. Its similar to the ultimatum situation, it can cause a disaster, I know that much.<P>My H was back and forth on his decision. I thought he needed a little gentle shove. He chose me but backed out after the last minute, he went straight to OW told her he was leaving and now BOOM she changed his mind. SO if I kept my mouth shut I'd be better off. I wish I had found this site before I did that.<P>Don't tell H you even called, ask your questions and all but can you file for custody and child support and alimony for now. Yes he is responsible for half. Someone mentioned to me a temporary domestic order. I went to court to file and in our town they looked at me like I was crazy! But maybe your lawyer knows what it is. <P>You can take care of you and the kids, get child support (some say its a LB I say its survival), get custody and then, if you need to call local churches for food, or go to Dept. Of SOcial Services and see what you are eligible for. In the winter there are programs to pay for your heat. Year round there are programs to pay your daycare while you work full time and get back on your feet. <P>Please don't go for divorce, don't give up, you can do this, we are here to help you. If he said two days ago he loves you, well that is at least something positive. He is most likely being controlled by OW. You told of her horrid tales, do you know what finally makes her cut these unsuspecting men off? My family says once the man's paycheck gets severed in half for his responsibilities, that makes them look real unattractive!<P>To Deb B - WILDEBEAST - that is the first time I laughed all week!! That is a wonderful name for the OW!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Hang in there woozy

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Thanks Lonely Mom. I just don't know what to think anymore. I have already applied for all the assistance I can get from social services. I was able to get cash assistance, medical and food stamps. I did check on the heat thing to and I qualified for that also. I need to go work full-time. I am working part-time. As it is, the kids have been sick, my husband keeps throwing me into a tailspin every week and I keep missing work! So, I need to get tough and my kids need to get well and I need to get to work! I also need to get things lined up for the childcare assistance. The neighborhood service center also has a program where they will write out a check for $250 to pay bills and what not. So, I need to go collect on that. I don't want to get a divorce. I want my life back. I feel like I am in this nightmare and I can't wake up. I am going through legal aid for a lawyer because I can't possibly afford a lawyer. The first one I called wanted $250.00 up front. I know that my husband can't personally afford a divorce but I wouldn't put it past the ow to pay for it. Or at least loan him the money to do it. Well, if they are going to be living together she may as well pay for the divorce. I feel crazy but I keep thinking that he is going to come to his senses and realize he is making the biggest mistake of his life. I am not going to try to get into contact with him at all. The hard part is that he gets paid on Friday and I sure need some money. There are still some bills that need to be paid and we need to save it up for the next months bills. Right now, any money we have, I have in my own checking acct. I keep our joint checking at $1.00. I have to keep that acct. open because we have a car payment and car insurance that are automatically deducted out of there. But, I keep the money in my acct. until the day they come out because I am afraid my husband may try and get the money and then I won't be able to pay those bills. I know it is his money in the first place but, these are things he is responsible for. I will just ask the lawyer for advice on the whole thing. I will not rush into anything. I just wish my husband would contact me and tell me what his plans are. I know the reason he hasn't is because he doesn't want to tell me what he is doing because he knows it is wrong. So, here I sit alone and abandoned by him.<P>The one good thing about today is that I went to both my boys conferences and they are doing GREAT in school in spite of everything that is going on. Both their teachers said they are wonderful boys. That makes me feel SUPER!!! I must be doing something right!<P>~Woozy

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{{{{{{Woozy}}}}}}<BR>You are doing lots of things right. But, I must agree with everyone else.... DON'T file for Divorce. Make him do it. If you feel you must do something, then file for a legal separation.<P>I would definately check into a temporary domestic order (TDO), it will protect you and your boys. The TDO establishes that you are not liable for debts your H incures (in this maddness, who knows what they are likely to do). It protects you from harrassment, from him coming into the house and taking things, etc... Then ask your lawyer about getting an Income Allocation hearing. That will allow you to present your expenses and income (and your H has to do the same) allow for child support, then they basically take everything and split it equally so noone is disadvantaged. (**At least that is how it all works in my state**).<BR>Your lawyer should know more about how it will apply to you based on your state laws.<P>My thoughts & prayers are with you, I know it isn't easy to be right where you are... I've been there (except no kids).<P>Take care of yourself, and keep us posted.<P>Butterfly<BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

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woozy Offline OP
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OK, I don't know if any of you just saw Lonely Mom's post yet but she just got served divorce papers and her husband is getting nasty with her. Now do you see why I want to file first? I am so afraid that my husband will pull something like that on me. He has no reason to get nasty with me. It is just that I fear this ow he is living with will put him up to doing something nasty! So, I am scared to death! I feel so bad for lonely mom! I am just afraid of being taken by surprise like that. That would completely crush me. I am to the point that I am kind of liking it being just me and the kids and not having the headache of my h's mood swings to deal with. I do still love him but I choose to remember the very good times that we used to have. We had a true love. He just got lost somewhere along the way. So, I have to do something! Even if it means losing the only man I truly ever loved! I pretty much lost him already anyway! <P>~Woozy

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woozy,<BR>It sounds like you don't want to get diorced but that you also feel that you have no choice since you need to protect your children and ensure that you are able to take care of them. I don't have any legal advice for you since I don't have any experience in that area.<P>Your in a tough spot. It seems your husband is lost in his depression and is making some realy bad decisions. This of course leaves the hope that one day he will come to his sences. Its a long road home for him and your patients is waring thin (very understandable). And of course there is the possibility that he will never come to his sences. What you need to do is to figure out the best way to protect yourself and your children financially and enotionally during this. Ask a lawyer if you have any other options for achieving this outside of divorce. I don't know if legal seperation will do this or not. <P>I can tell you still love H and that letting go is hard for you. Make sure you are doing the best thing for you and that you are comfortable with all the possible outcomes of your decision.<P>Hang in there. I will be thinking of you.<P>Acacia

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Woozy,<P>Thanks for your concern over me! I am still alive. I slept last night too. I am exhausted though. I can't eat but I am here.<P>You don't need to file for divorce. You can file for custody, child support, possibly a legal seperation where H is responsible for some of these bills. There is also Genus Debt Management. They are in the phone book. When you can't pay your credit, they will help you get lower payments and lower interest and pay off stuff in 4 years. It saves the need for a bankruptcy. You can even probably get spousal support while you are doing all this.<P>Divorce is not a game. It is not who ever files first wins. It is not who ever asks for more is better. It is a total LOSS. No one will ever truly win. Even if your H files first, its not that big of a deal, really because, he still has to prove his case. In my life, I have H whole family ready to come back me up . To testify that I have never been cruel to him in 10 years. On top of it, he had a prostate problem and we could barely have sex for almost a year. I did not go out and get my needs met elsewhere. I stayed faithful. He had a vasectomy too. Why would an unhappily married man do something like that? We were looking for a bigger house. My H is in for a rude awakening because I am trying to pull together and just do this. I figured out something last night. I think he filed this way, just so I would COUNTERSUE for divorce and he get what he wants , just a divorce. He doesn't want all that other stuff, he is just trying to get to me. Well, in our state there is only divorce by fault, so this is his only way. <P>I am going to contest this divorce, he can file again in a year. I am suing for custody of our youngest baby. I have sole custody of the two older ones from the year we split up five years ago. Also , I bought this house by myself after we had split for a year. So I am going to try and pull together .<P>I have an appointment on Friday with the attorney.<P>Try and be strong and please don't file for divorce if you don't want it. It is a waste of money, a scare tactic, a game and a heart ache. If you truly want it, then file, otherwise, sit back and go for the other stuff you are entitled to.<P>Good luck.

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woozy Offline OP
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Hi Lonely Mom,<P>Yes, I don't want the divorce but I don't feel I have any other choice. I am also not the one playing games, my husband is. All I have done is show him love and compassion through this whole entire thing. He has continued to treat his ow by far better than me. He shows her more respect and I get none from him. I feel that as long as he is living with her he will be blinded by her. No matter how much I love him it will make no difference. You know what I got in my e-mail today? I got a very nice e-mail greeting from HIS aunt. I am assuming HIS mom told her about what has been going on. So, she sent me this card and it said she would be there for me! Am I lucky or what? I got an e-mail from his mom last night too and she said she would always love me and the boys. My husband's brother also told her we were planning on moving there and she said she would like that. So, I feel very loved. My h's brother's own wife wants me to pack up and move down there right away because she can't stand the thought of me and the boys being up here away from them. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them in my life! I feel bad that my husband couldn't see how loved he is by them. I just talked to the lawyer and didn't get too far with him. So, I don't know exactly what to do next. I do have a meeting for child support on Tuesday. Well, I better get to work!<P>~Woozy

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Woozy,<BR>I hate to see ya just give up and give in to the emotions of the moment. I really haven't experienced what you are going thru....separation?? finance issues?? husband going off to still spend time with OP....etc. <P>What I do know about is daily humility, concern, lonliness, anger, resentment and more....however, the other side of the fence is that DIVORCE is just as difficult as what you are presently going through. Divorce is easier SAID than done.<P>ALSO... you have not mentioned your family or your network of support...but I will tell you that "no matter how awful his behavior is, his family will eventually forgive him and include them BACK INTO THEIR WINGS". Blood will usually win out and they will not be able to sustain the present relationship with you and the boys....OVER THAT OF THEIR TRUE FAMILY MEMBER. Yes, they are being kind now and trying to help you out...but that will give way...they will miss him and welcome him home. Remember, they will always be related to him AND TO YOUR KIDS....but that does not include you if you are divorced. It's truly an anomoly if you stay in the fold long-term.<P>Please think hard....not so much about how you feel at this moment...but for your entire family, your kids and your long term desires. <P>I know that I felt like a doormat, a wimp, a stupido and more....but today...I laugh about it in his arms while he grimaces with the pain of knowing "full well" what he did to me and us. This does not put me in power nor does it allow me to slack off....it's just a nice reminder that he is home, he has his conscience again and he, as well as I, desire each other in the "long-term".<P>I've learned that great dreams do not require wings...but instead....landing gear.<P>-Tina<P><p>[This message has been edited by TFloyd (edited February 16, 2000).]


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