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#848807 02/17/00 09:41 AM
Joined: Dec 1999
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woozy Offline OP
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As some of you know, my husband left me on Valentine's Day. That was Monday. I haven't heard from him since. No phone call, no nothing. The last time I saw him was on Sunday. I have decided to go through with the divorce. I have lots of family (my side and his) to support me back home. I realize it won't be easy but in a way, I think it will be easier than being treated this way by my own husband who claimed to love me dearly. I know he still loves me but he is just lost to this woman. So, I am trying to get a lawyer through legal aid. That is like pulling teeth. I can't afford one at all. I have $60 to my name. Yes, I am devastated, but I need to get on with my life. I can't go through life having him go back and forth and then ultimately ending up with her. Which is what has happened now. He is supposed to get paid tomorrow. I don't know if he is going to give me any money or not. I want to believe that he will but he hasn't been treating me well at all, so why should I believe that he will come through with any money for me. I could be wrong. I am supposed to go home tonight. But, I decided since my husband is no longer there, I am going to stick around here for one more night. My oldest son got invited to stay overnight at a friends house and I think it would do him good to get to do that. Yesterday and today already were pretty stressful. The kids had lots of homework and they felt like complaining about it rather than doing it. Thank God we are coming into a four day weekend! We all need a break! <P>The hard thing for me is that everytime I hear a car go by that sounds like the one my husband drives (which happens to be my brothers, he had loaned it to him)I run to the window to see if it is him. I guess I am still hoping beyond hope that he will come to his senses and come home. But, he is pretty much entangled with this other woman. Therefore, I know he will not be home. If he does come home, it will be to get the things that he has left here. I don't know when he will do that. He will probably wait until he thinks I am not around. In a way, that bothers me. I don't really want him coming to the house when I am not here. Especially if he is coming to take things. I don't want him taking anything of mine at all. Basically all the furniture is mine. Not that it is anything great. <P>I am deeply saddened by the whole thing. I tried and he just couldn't do it. He couldn't face the work it was going to take to get us better. He took the easy way out. That is what his own brother said. It is true. He didn't want the responsibility of having a family anymore. He told me before I found out about the affair that he just wanted to have fun. I asked him if he wanted to have fun with me and he said he just wanted to have fun again. There is your answer right there. I am no fun because I am just his responsibility. I am the on with the kids who I think he saw as a burden. He hardly acted like he liked them anyway. I do not let my kids know that though. I tell them that their daddy loves them. He does, he just doesn't know how to love them the way they should be loved. He was a better father than he ever knew. There were many times he would deal with a situation with them better than I could. He just sold himself short and he gave up. <P>My friends at work think he and the ow will just get sick of each other. They are now living together and working together. I don't know, I think it could last awhile. I can't say. I don't really care to think about it I guess. Right now, I am just trying to learn how to let go of it all. That is the hard part. I wish like hell that he would come back but I don't think he feels that he can. Aside from that, he made it pretty clear that with the ow is where he wanted to be. He missed her terribly when he was away from her. He let me know that too. He didn't have to because I could tell it was her he was missing. He was sitting with me and crying for her. He couldn't take the withdrawl, so he had to go back to her. I have been reading a book on male depression. It is helping me to understand that he is addicted to this woman. He used to be addicted to me. But, now he has switched that over to her. He is ill, mentally. He has an addiction to sex. I used to provide that for him gladly. But, somewhere along the way, it just wasn't enough. <P>So, it is time to get on with my life. I can't do this anymore! I have to do what is right for me as much as it sucks!<P>~Woozy

#848808 02/17/00 09:53 AM
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{{{{{{WOOZY}}}}}<P>Listen to yourself PLEASE!!! <P>If you still love him, don't file for divorce. Go see the lawyer and get your options, file for custody, child support, alimony, and an order for him to pay some of the debt left behind. He is responsible to pay. He can't just walk away and take the easy way out. <P>Divorce is not going to help right now. He works with her and lives with her PLEASE, they will get sick of each other soon!!! Let it happen. Do Plan A. Just because he lives with her, doesn't mean a darn thing. It is just part of the whole sick process. Give him time to miss you, give him time to grow to hate her. Let him know you are here. <P>I hope others reading this will tell Woozy that a lot of you had H go move with OW and are together now. I can't think of the names personally off the top of my head,but I know people here told me that it happens all the time. Don't divorce just because he moved there. Give it some time.<P>Who is out there watching Woozy's story. Who out there , has a spouse move in with another person and a year later, you are in RECOVERY?? Share it with her and me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] so we can both get some strength today. <P>I know it can be done. I know it. Oh, also, woozy, read Kimbers story today.<P>Prayers with you <P>Dana<BR>

#848809 02/17/00 09:57 AM
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Woozy,<P>Although you are in a tough position, it sounds like you have your head on straight!<P>Do what you know will preserve yourself and your kids at this point.<P>I know how you feel. My ex is with OM, and the thing that bothers me the most is that if things were so bad between us, why didn't she walk away the instant she met the OM?<P>No, she had to see us both for several months so she could test the water. If he was not what she wanted, she would have stayed. That really pisses me off. She testeed out her realtionship with him at my expense. Soooo unlike her.<P>Keep your head up and know that you have been and will continue to do what is right.<P>

#848810 02/17/00 10:08 AM
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I do think you should wait awhile, say 6 months before you file for divorce. NOT because he may come back, but because you shouldn't make any major decisions when in a state of emotional turmoil. BUT YOU SHOULD GO FOR CHILD/ALIMONY SUPPORT FOR MONEY! And why should you waste your last $60 bucks on a divorce lawyer for HIM! Take that money and spend on your kids or yourself! But definitely file for some sort of financial support from him! When you and the kids are abandoned it is time to start thinking with your HEAD and not your HEART! That is what I did, when H left, he wouldn't pick the kids up for school, so I had to take the kids on public transportation at 6:00am in the freezing cold to get them to where they had to be! But I said F$CK THAT! I pulled together some money from friends and bought a used vehicle that WEEK! No time to think with the heart when my kids are being put into this, so I got off my A$$ and did what I had to do! When H saw/heard what I did, he came by that SAME NIGHT! We are going to counseling this week so sometimes, you have to put your heart away and use your head! GOOD LUCK!

#848811 02/17/00 10:10 AM
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No one said Plan A was supposed to last forever, folks, remember? You do it as long as you can stand it. It sounds like woozy needs to take action so that she and her children are taken care of, and if she feels she's ready for divorce, well, that's her decision to make, and we ought to be supportive.<P>Divorce isn't forever, either...but if this is what wooz needs to get on with her life, so be it.

#848812 02/17/00 06:30 PM
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Woozy,<P>I understand and I'm sorry. Take care of you and the kids. You are a good mom and a STRONG woman. You are in my prayers and thoughts!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

#848813 02/17/00 06:31 PM
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Woozy, my friend,<BR>Just a question...will filing for divorce really change your situation ??<P>Myself and others here will support whatever path you choose to take....I just hope you remember and take into consideration that you are going through a major trauma....you've lost weight, can't sleep, now *acting* as a single mom.....this all speaks to the depression, isolation and additional responsibility that you are carrying...so ....is this really the time to make such <B> FINAL</B> decisions ??. <P>It is true...only you can answer that question and I sincerely hope for the best for you and your family. <P>Obviously, you feel the current path is not working...so.... what about another couple of try's before you settle on divorce ??<P>I'm an optimist by nature...sometimes that's good and sometimes it's bad....in the case of my SIL....it seems there was nothing she could do to move her husband and that was that....and here we are....a move towards success. <P>Woozy, whatever your chosen path...I wish for you the best !<P>-Tina

#848814 02/17/00 10:09 PM
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woozy,<P>I understand you are in a bad place right now. You have made a decisionto go throughtwith the divorce. I have made that decision too. What I am going to advise you is this...right now you are HURT, ANGRY and DISAPPOINTED. You have evry right to be all three! It is OK to make a decision when you feel that way, but you should NOT carry that decision through without sitting on it for soem time to think through the ramifications. <P>Yes, get an attorney and see what your rights are and what needs to be done to protect the welfare and financial stability of your children and yourself. But, then please take a few weeks to think about what this will mean to you and see if you still feel the same. if you do and you want to continue to move forward, a few more weeks won't matter. But, it is also possible that in a few weeks you might not feel as angry, hurt and disappointed as you feel right this moment. Then you won't have to be sorry you did something that perhaps you relaly didn't want to do after all.<P>Hugs to you<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{woozy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

#848815 02/17/00 10:26 PM
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Woozy,<P>I understand your decision. I think you are clear on how you feel and that you have fought very hard for your marriage. You have a lot of responsibility and you have to think about you and your kids since your H does not. You have to be the adult since he will not accept the responsibility anymore.<P>It may be wise to give yourself X weeks before filing to see if you change your mind but to me you do not seem emotional. You seem to have really thought it out. So what ever you do, I will suport you and I know everyone else here will too. <P>I think we all only what for you what will bring you and your children the most peace and happiness and only you can know what that is. I have always been impressed by your compassion and strength. What ever path you choose, I know you will succeed.<P>Acacia

#848816 02/17/00 10:28 PM
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Woozy,<P>By the way, what is the name of the book you referred to on male depression? I have had the same thought about addition and my H. I'd love to read it too.<P>Acacia

#848817 02/22/00 05:56 PM
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Hello.... I am soooo sorry I haven't replied to all of this wonderful advice sooner! I lost my internet connection last Thursday and they just finally got it fixed today! I was lost without it but I had a lot of time to do a lot of soul searching as I had the last four days off. <P>I have come to the conclusion that the boys and I are getting along very well without my husband. It is a lot less stressful without him here. We miss him but I can see a difference in my boys behavior already. They seem happier, they aren't fighting as much. I really feel that my husband was causing them a lot of stress also. I have also taken time to think about the kind of father my husband is to his kids. He has a very bad temper and when he gets upset with them he yells and swears at them which leads to them crying. I could never tolerate him treating them that way as it is very wrong. So, I would always stick up for my kids. Then, when I would go to comfort them, my husband would get angry with me and tell me that I baby them. Well, I don't baby them, I love them. When I see my children being treated in a manner that I think is inappropriate, I am going to intervene. That is just me. My husband hated that. If he could have dealt with them in a better way, I never would have had a problem. I guess I am just beginning to really look at things and see that maybe they weren't so great after all. <P>I do still love my husband. My boys know that also. I have made sure that they know. I do believe that my husband still loves me. I told the boys that too. But, I also let them know that it just won't work out for us anymore. They need to know that it is final. I made sure they know he loves them too. It is incredibly sad. On Thursday, my youngest son went ice skating for the first time. He did AWESOME! It made me sad that his dad couldn't be there to see him. That is what makes me sad. What my husband will be missing out on with the boys. But, I feel blessed as I will get to see the wonderful things they do.<P>I also had conferences last week at school for the both of them. They are doing very well grade wise and both their teachers think they are great kids! So, I feel like I must have done something right. Their teachers also said they seem to be handling things with the situation at home quite well. They told me that is because I am doing such a good job of dealing with things. We are going to continue to go to counseling. They need that as do I. I am also planning to get individual counseling for myself. I think I need it! I just want to make sure I really am ok. I think I am but, you know...<P>The name of that book on male depression is called "I Don't Want to Talk About It". It is by Terrance Real. Acacia, thank you for your faith in me! I need to know that someone out there does have some in me! I think I can do it. I know it will not be easy but I am finding a new strength in me that I never knew existed before! Now, I just need to start acting on it! <P>Jersey Joe, Thanks for your faith in me also! I am sorry your wife did the same to you! It is unfair. Everyone keeps telling my that they will get theirs in the end. I don't know about that but I guess in a way, I would like to see my h suffer a little bit. Is that mean?<P>To all the others, I have decided that I am not going to rush right into the divorce. I am taking time to write down questions for a lawyer. I want to make sure I do things right and that I get what my kids deserve! <P>Well, I just did a boneheaded thing and forgot to go to the bank and deposit my paycheck. So, I am going to go and do that quick. Hopefully I won't have a bounced check tomorrow! I splurged and bought new deadbolts for my doors last night. <P>I will keep in touch and THANKS to every single one of you for all the support! This place has really helped me through some very rough times!<P>~Woozy


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