Hi,<P>I'd like some insight and opinions on this.<P>If your spouse breaks the affair off with OP, and the affair has been over for 6 months or more and there has been no contact, why do you think a OP would try to contact the former betrayer and try to rekindle the affair?<P>Is it a lack of self-esteem, desperation, withdrawal, etc.? Any ideas?

no trust<P>I am struggling to try to figure out why OP get involved with someone they shouldn't anyway. My counselor told me that it is usually 2 dysfunctional people that find each other<P>Maybe whatever dysfunction they are both having at that time that seems to meet both of their needs is what brings them together.<P>It sounds encouraging on your end that your husband is getting help and you are on the road to recovery.<P>She, however, does not seem on the road to recovery herself.<P>I don't know if this helped but it is my two cents (sense)

I think for SOME not ALL, it can be withdrawal, or ego. You know, ego being, if they CAN get the MP back, yes immature, but isn't that what the sneaking around is about. Or it can be OP is going through withdrawal and backslides.

Claudia & trying24give: Thanks for responding. Some OP's can be so unpredicatable at times.<P>You are right though....unfortunately, 2 dysfunctional people who find each other....right place, right time.<P>OW hasn't attempted contact for awhile (at least, from what I know), but I'm keeping alert, just in case.

Could be several reasons.......could be that the nasty, homewrecking OP is psycho. <P>Just kidding.....feeling a little bitter about always seeing the OP trashed (you might want to read my thread to see we're not all that way!!) Not sure if this works?? but if not, it's entitled "how do I end the affair and start the healing process:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000840.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000840.html</A> <P>Let me tell you from experience, withdrawal is killer for us as well. I have the best intentions in the world of letting go and am making great strides. see the following thread and if this link doesn't work it was entitled "booked a flight to baltimore to be with MM, please talk me out of it:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001296.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001296.html</A> <P>Also, please don't be so sure that the former betrayer wasn't the one who broke down and contacted the OP. It happens! Despite what he/she may be telling you. As MANY MANY people have pointed out to me in response to my thread, betrayers lie and lie and then lie some more.....to themselves, to the OP, to the betrayed. I'm not saying that's the case with you and your betrayer but it does happen.<P>I can assure you I am NOT dysfunctional. I am a very successful woman, with 2 wonderful children whom I receive compliments on all the time. I have a huge loving family (6 kids, parents who were married until my dad died a couple of years ago) I am well respected in my industry among my collegues and am very active in my church. Infact, I am at church in some capacity, either for my children's classes or mine Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. <P>I just fell in love with the wrong person. And the funny thing is I am the one trying to end this for HIS wife......neither of us wants to end it and if I didn't step up to the plate and try (and try darn hard, I might add) to end this, we'd continue on indefinitely, I'm sure.<P>Also, no lack of self esteem on my part. I am attractive and have people ask me out on a consistent basis. <P>The biggie I guess is that it's hard to let go of someone whom you love so dearly. Plain and simple. <P>Call us dysfunctional, call us trash, call us anything you chose if it makes you feel better but understand that some of us, are good decent people who made a wrong choice...<P>

azhootie,<P>Not to be mean,<P>But if guys ask you out all the time, why didn't you pick a single guy to go out with? That way you only ruin one marriage.<P>Again, I am not trying to be mean, but you don't fall in love with someone the first time you meet, and you obviously knew what you were doing.<P>Again, I am hurting, and your post really struck a nerve.

Those were my thoughts Jersey Joe<P>I am neither betrayed or betrayer but love is a choice and you made the choice to get involved with a married man, This was not something out of your control. You made this choice despite the fact that you knew he was married, that there was no future in the relationship. You had a choice to not get involved but you did it anyway.<P>You paint yourself as the wonderful, intelligent, great mother, involved in church activities who was a victim of love. You come across very self righteous esp. when you write how you are ending it for HIS wife like you are doing something so noble and everyone should pat you on the back for this incredibly thing you are are doing. Blech! <P><BR>

JerseyJoe ~<P>No probs. I know lots of people are hurting here, I take the abuse as it comes. I don't expect you to understand but believe it or not, when I have tried to date during the course of these last 10 months I have felt like I was the one cheating on the MM. Sad, strange, but true. I'm not married so if I had a relationship with a single guy I wouldn't be ruining anyones marriage! As for ruining the MM's. It was ruined long before anything happened between us. I know this to be true and I resisted the temptation for years before anything happened between us. It just got overwhelming at one point and we ended up crossing the line. Now we're finding it difficult to go back. And if it wasn't for the people on this board, I probably would be going full steam ahead and not even trying to go back. But in coming here, I am able to see things from the betrayed's point of view and it is slowly but surely giving me the strength to continue to bring this to an end. I've tried 4 times already but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.<P>KALGRL - Confused as to why you are posting on an infidelity board if you are neither betrayed or betrayer? I did not use the words "wonderful or great" in describing me....my kids, yes, but me no. Trust me, I feel anything BUT wonderful and great. I feel awful. And we all have our own opinions, but I don't believe that love IS a choice. I believe it just happens. Was it my choice to ACT on those feelings? Yes. But I'm human and I made a mistake. And now I am trying to correct it and unlike yourself, the people on this board have been my support system and have helped me take steps to correct that mistake. I am NOT being self-righteous, just honest in that the main reason I am ending this IS for his wife and family. The second because I feel like a hypocrite being so involved in ministry at church and then once a month being with the MM. I have and continue to talk to my pastor about this and he is trying to help but if you haven't been thru it, you cannot possibly understand the pain of withdrawal. If it weren't for those two things (his wife, church) I'd keep on going. If that makes me self righteous in your eyes, then so be it. Thank God (literally) that everyone on the board doesn't feel that way because otherwise instead of sitting here posting, I'd be on a flight back from Baltimore after spending the last several days with the OM. <P>In closing, I am certainly NOT looking for a pat on the back. I am only looking for (and thankfully finding) the courage and strength and encouragement from many others to do what is right and end this.<P>Curious as to whether you read any of the thread before you were so harsh. I am very much in pain but still trying to push forward and do the right thing. Self righteous? Sheesh.<P>

KalGrL,<P>You expressed it much better then I.<P>Azhootie, I hope you know we are not trying to rattle your cage, but it is really hardto feel sorry for the OP's. After what I have been through, if Christie Brinklie wanted to date me but was married, I would run the other way. There is no way I would inflict that kind of pain on someone. <P>And I am sorry, but for all the OP's who get involved with a married person who has not been happy "for years", WAKE UP!<P>Either they are completely lying or they do not have the strength to leave without someone else to run to. Either way, they are dysfunctional.<P> <BR> <BR>

Azhootie,<P>Your really do seem like a very intelligent woman. I did not mean to be rude when I used the term dysfunctional.<P>I suppose I meant two people who had specific needs that were unmet that only those two could meet at that time but it was the WRONG choice.<P>I don't really believe that my H is "dysfunctional" in the sense that you would find his malady in a psych textbook. However, he is naive, and probably was unaware of his weaknesses, and in a situation in which he was unable to control his impulses which then put him in this possessed state which is in fact dysfunctional for our marraige and family even if he can still perform surgery!!! (sorry for the run on, I just got going!!!)

JerseyJoe ~ Or could it be that they haven't left yet because they are scared to death of what it will do to their children? Have you ever considered that? He doesn't have the strength to leave even when he DOES have someone to run to. He's a good man, but just like I did, he made the wrong choice. I'd encourage you to read NOMAS' post. Maybe you'd understand that affairs don't just strike liars and weak men. I admire your reserve if you wouldn't run to Christie Brinkley. I applaud you. But unless you have actually walked in these shoes, I would submit to you that you don't know or understand how difficult it is. Now, having said that, DESPITE how difficult it is, I know it is wrong and I know I must stop. That's why I'm here. And no, KALGRL did NOT put it better than you. She was cold and harsh and doesn't have a clue how hard this is. I find it interesting that when two married people are having an affair, they are EACH really an OP but for some reason that's more readily accepted? hmmmm?<P>Claudia, thanks for clarifying. I am perhaps a bit over sensitive at the moment!! I'm a walking talking basket case and it's hard to want to keep trying to do the right thing when you see such things! (not just your post) Sometimes it makes me want to say "screw this, I give up" and just run right back to his arms. Having said that, I am pressing forward and despite the backsliding here and there, I am making it one day at a time. It was a huge triumph for me when I cancelled my tickets to go meet him in Baltimore. Again, thanks for clarifying things. It is VERY much appreciated!

azhootie,<P>I am glad you did not go to BLT. And again, I a really mean no offense. <P>You are right, I don't know how difficult it is, but please look at things from the mind set of the betrayed. We have all met people we found attractive and felt very compatible with that we could have affairs with. <P>Everybody! I bet it happens 2-3 times a year to most people. But we don't act on it. The reason we don't act on it is because we know it is wrong. It takes an effort to develop a relationship with someone. If you know they are married, you have already weighted the options and know the consequences before you begin.<P>The betrayed never get that chance. No one counsults them before the affair starts. It is always afetr in is often far too late to save the marriage do they reveal what is going on.<P>I hope you stay strong, stay away from MM, and find someone to love who you do not have to share.<P>Take Care and God Bless

I have an additional problem with the OP. Her missionary family are all for her divorcing her husband and marrying mine. <P>She has apparently complained about her marraige for years.<P>Her husband does not work and is supposedly "uneducated"<P>My husband is very educated and has a good paying job.<P><BR>Her kids will get to have a mom and "dad" at home. In her eyes a better dad<P>In my favor, his entire family is on my side. Actually, so is the entire community. But that's about all I have going in my favor right now because I am the enemy to him and he has not been living here for 3 weeks!!!!!

Well said Jersey Joe!<P>It is human nature to become attracted to those of the opposite sex - even when we are married! It is what we do with that attraction that makes us a mature adult. <P>I would like to start a new thread by quoting you on this concept. (Tempted by Fantasies)

Jersey Joe ~<P>I will not dispute you. I made a mistake and it was only when I tried to look at it from the eyes of the betrayed that I came to this board for help. But in doing that, I open myself up to people like Kalgrl who tell me I am self-righteous for seeing it that way????<P>I was tempted, I didn't avoid that temptation and now I am trying to make it right. I am taking the steps to try and end it. <P>I am not here to argue that what I did was wrong but I do want to point out that just because I made a terrible mistake, I'm not this sleaze bucket, wicked woman who doesn't give a d*mn about anyone else by myself. If I did, do you think I'd be posting here????<P>Did you read nomas' post by the way? <P>CLAUDIA ~ There's always hope that the OW could suddenly develop a conscience like I did!!!! Okay, maybe not probable but still possible! Also the numbers are in your favor. Apparently some really low number (like 3%) of affairs survive. All the others die a natural death. Hang in there!!!!

Az, I will say again, I wish you were our OW. If Kalgrl had to deal with the wicked witch, she might appreciate a "self-righteous" person like you much more. Hang in there, girl, I'm rooting for you. You are in my prayers now, too. <P>------------------<BR>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

bless you NOBESWAX for saying that. I try not to let people get to me and I also tried to prepare myself for a good tongue lashing once in awhile on here because I know there is soooo much pain amongst the posters but I guess I didn't expect to get slammed for trying to do the right thing for what I think are the right reasons!!!! Plus she stated she is neither betrayed or the betrayer so I'm confused why she is loosing her venom on me here on this board??? Anyway, thanks sooo much. It is in reading posts like yours that keep me going forward and trying (HARD) to do the right thing. Thank you for the prayers.....graciously accepted!!!!!<P>Judy