Help! This is the first time I have been on this sight and I hope someone out there can give me some advice. I have been married for 14 years to a wonderful man whom I feel honored to be married to, however he has had 3 affairs since we have been married. One was a one night stand about 8 years ago. The last two were with the same person over a period of two years. When I first found out we split up, but desided to work it out, but he refused to do what ever it took to make our marriage work. Our relationship was great while he wasn't living here, but gradually changed when he moved home. I must let you know he isn't a christian and I believe this has a lor to do with his anger towards God for the death of his brother 25years ago. My h is very emotionally distant and has a great need for people to like, respect, honor and appreciate him. This may so normal for any man but these needs go beyond normal. Our counselor says it's because he was never good enough in his parents eyes. They have showed signs of conditional love which I believe is the crusp of his problems. My H is telling me things he is willing to do so that he wont lose me. Says he's willing to do anything. I have never seen him so brocken. It hurts me to see him in such pain. Please give your advice. I am so confused right know. I have non-Christian friend telling me I should file for devorce tomarrow others are telling me to wait it out. Any advice?<P>------------------<BR>Sad in California

Sad in California<P>I wish I had an answer for you.<P>Your H sounds a lot like mine. <BR> <BR><B>emotionally distant and has a great need for people to like, respect, honor and appreciate him. This may so normal for any man but these needs go beyond normal</B><P>My H also lost a brother years ago. <P>My H is an oldest child and it seems like he trys to take on the problems of everyone he knows and "fix" them all.<P>I'll be watching your post closely for replys.<BR> <BR>Keo<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited March 21, 2000).]

Welcome <B>CDodich</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>--------------------------------------------<P>About your post...<P>You've really come to the right place...<BR>Although there are many christians (and believers in God) on this sight... the MB principles do not force you to believe in anything but your own potential.... and that almost all human love <B>is</B> conditional!<P>Do read my welcome message...<BR>Understand the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> concept (as a very conditional form of love)...<BR>Learn how to satisfy your H's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<BR><B>and have him start meeting yours too!</B>...<BR>Go to the MB site... and down load the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>...<BR>...and if he is really willing... he will fill it out from his perspective and you will fill it out from your perspective... and share with each other.<P>I don't know what kind of therapy your going through now... but maybe focusing on a "marriage skill" building type (like MB) can better direct you to the <B>practical steps</B> taking you to recovery.<P>Recovery steps include the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B> (page 87 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>Read all you can here...<BR>Post often...<BR>If you think your current coiunseling isn't in line with these concepts... consider changing it!<P>Prayers for you... and your H! <P>Jim

I know the type. My h is also very unemotional. Only seen him cry since he confessed his A's to me, what a relief to see him cry. The admiratioon, respect etc, check out narcissism on the web, maybe your H is one, hard to treat. My h need for this is abnormal I believe, he said that's what all his A's were about, admiratioon, when I asked if he felt he'd gotten thru the one nighters, said during the act maybe, afterwards guilt and no it wasn't what he wanted. Said he wanted it from me, Can we fulfill such a need, is it more like a addictioon. What do we do, I can't admire him 24 hrs a day, and it's really hard now when I'm so much in pain. Admire what he used to lie, cheat, betray me with. If you call one of the Harleys, post your reply, I want to know too.

Okay, I just talked to my counselor today about this very subject! I think we may be all married to the same man!!! (Little joke) Don't know if you are a Christian but here's what my Christian counselor said... Don't want to offend, so disregard if you're not. Admiration junkies have to learn that their approval comes from God. He has got to understand that God loves him and that is where his self-worth should come from. Accomplishments, looks, whatever else is fleeting. And H needs to know that you love him unconditionally too. I know I have put major conditions on my love. Makes him want to seek it elsewhere. Don't know how to get them to realize this. Maybe more in next counseling session. I will share then.

Dead Inside:<BR>Like the term admiration junkie. How is my husband suppose to get this from God, how is he suppose to learn to do that? On his own, without help, cause you see, he doesn't think he needs counseling, reading books, or even talking about it if he can help it. I'm not very admiring these days. I just can't seem to do it. Good thing I don't act, cause I'm no good at it. Waiting for your next counseling session, info.<BR>

I may be able to give you some insight...<P>I too was raised in a very harmful environment (father was an alcoholic, etc). Both of my parents love was completely conditional, and still is to some extent. The hardest thing for me to understand is that noone can replace what my parents failed to give me. Alot of people in my position go searching for what they missed in childhood for a very long time. When I had my affair (which was very brief) I was looking for admiration too.<P>My biggest problem is that I don't feel loved or fully trust anyone as a result. Mostly because my parents would say they loved me, but acted in very destructive ways toward my sister and me. It is very hard to trust love after that kind of situation. They always say that you can't really love someone until you love yourself and that is only half true. The other half is that you can't feel loved until you believe you are worthy of receiving it. All very hard to do if you were not loved as a child. <P>All the love you gave to your husband may have fell on dead ears, because he may not trust it. That is not your fault. The ability to love and be loved comes from within. Unfortunately, for people like me, that is much easier said than done. His parents lack of care most likely has left a huge gaping hole in his self-esteem. You can't replace what his parents failed to give him. One thing that helped me was to get in touch with my immense sadness at not being loved by my parents. Once I could do that, I could mourn that loss and begin to put it behind me. I'm still not there yet, though. Hope this helps.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited March 28, 2000).]

Student,<P>You sound somewhat like my x. She seems to want all kinds of appreciation for what I and most people I guess would consider everyday obligations, feeding the kids, grocery shopping, helping outside, etc.<P>I was poor in expressing my appreciation in that regards.<P>Even my minister friend said she was very needy and he didn't think anybody could meet that need.<P>I think too it stemmed from her childhood. Her parents were partiers and went out all the time and I believe their grandmother or sitters raised them. Her father is also very demanding and likes everything done his way. He also had an affair or two along the way.<P>That why I think, my x went after this guy. He looks a good bit older than 48 and he seems to feed into what my x is looking for. He also is spending money on her big time and she loves that.<P>Bob<P>