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If you can't think of an exact moment or a single solitaire act that pushed you across the line, please don't answer. Thanks for your input.<P>

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cuckold,<P>Hi there, I'm guessing you read private lies by your name. <P>My reply is not due to having an EA BUT I posted this question last month for a friend, and so if you search under lonelymom, you should find I received SEVERAL really great answers. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll try and look.<P>Dana<BR>

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It was after my H called me screaming at the top of his lungs at me because he couldn't reach me on the cell phone. I had been X-mas shopping for him at the time he couldn't reach me. Even after I explained he was still mad. That hurt me alot, and I was getting pretty sick of his anger.<P>I saw the OM the next day. We studied for finals together. He was nice to me, as usual. That is when I felt myself slipping into an EA.<P>Typical thing where the OM is nice, maybe the spouse isn't being so nice at the time.

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It was christmas eve. I had called his house to wish him and his wife(we were friends) and family a Merry Christmas.<P>His wife had got the flu and had stayed at her parents. <P>He invited me to stop over. My heart raced and i got very happy and excited.<P>I stopped over, we talked for a really long time and i found that he just made my day, week, month,year.<P>I had been unhappy for so long. When I was leaving, he kissed me. <P>Wow! and there it was.

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Hi!<P>I crossed the line to an EA when, my husband began to treat me like a "child" instead of his wife/friend. I was feeling very lonely and "scolded". My husband went out of town for a weekend. I was chatting with the OM online, and I gave him my phone number. He called me, and we stayed on the phone from 10:30 at night until around 5:00 in the morning. I liked his voice, and we had so much in common. He complimented me alot and he treated me like an equal instead of treating me like a little girl that needed a good scolding.<P>I was very easily pulled-in by the OM. Since my husband isn't very verbal, I was "hooked" when the OM wanted to talk to me all night long. I was LONELY, and in some way, the OM took my loneliness away. I was feeling scolded and down, but the OM treated me as an equal.<P>I am not justifying my affair...if you've ever read any of my other posts, you'll realize that. I am just trying honestly answer your question. No matter what my husband did or didn't do, my having an affair was cruel and wrong.<P>Wow...what a HUGE trap. It was a trap, and I didn't even know it.<P>I hope that this helps.<P>Jill

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Great posts so far, thanks ladies!<P>So far it seems like the final breaking point has to involve both the husband and the OM together, not just the OM acting alone.<BR>

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When my H left me for the 6th time...the OM was sooo nice, the conversations became flirtacious...and when H came home and then left again...I just didn't feel married, of course, legally I am, even though I have served the divorce papers. I have stopped contact with the OM and he's making sure I do. <P>I think it is easy to make excuses. ie My H has treated me so bad...I deserve a little happiness...someone to hold my hand...<P>I did Plan A for 18 months, I'm the betrayed, and I still fell into this (ok, chose this--trying to evade that responsibility [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) and I became a betrayer. And EA is a betrayal, it is adultery (sin includes thought, word & deed).

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Cuckold , sorry but wanted to say hi to Lor.<P>Lor,<BR>Its good to see you online. I just want to say that I think what you went thru was an incredible thing and you did your best. No offense to any of the betrayers, but after we have been betrayed whether it be once, or more than once, we are all human. And what you may feel is a betrayal, I certainly don't. I think it is just part of the process some of us go thru. I am seeing someone too. I am served with D papers too. But I don't feel I am being a betrayer. My marriage was over the day my H cheated and that may be the wrong attitude, but if it was OK in his mind to do it at the time, it surely is OK that I am finding happiness too now. I feel for you and your H cause I know there is so much to the whole thing. I wish you both the best though, and just wanted to say hi.<P>Cuckold, again, I appologize and am going to find that thread now.<P>Dana<BR>

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lonelymom,<P>No problem, I'm very familiar with your thread, it is excellent. In fact, I had already taken some posts from that thread and put it in one of my permanent document files a few days ago.<P>This thread was created to find that one specific act, the defining moment.<P>It's been very enlightening so far...

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<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001498.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001498.html</A> <P>Here is the post I was referring to , hope it helps too, Dana<BR>

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Great thread. And, very close to my situation. Too close.<P>It's a question I would love to ask my W, but she both denies an affair, and doesn't but into the concept of an EA anyway. She has admitted that this OM has/had filled those emotional areas that I was failing to.<P>Question: Do you think there is any ONE moment, or do you think its a culmination of moments or events?<P>It would seem to me if it was one moment, the marriage was already in trouble. It just needed that last straw to break the camel's back.<P>--keystone<P>

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WOW! I think that all of these go together! I do not think it is ever one single thing that made you go over the edge, but several leads up to the MeGa point of infidelity.<P>I think if anyone is even thinking of having an affair this place should be highly recommended, what a great place for such a bad time in life.<P>Mercy

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I don't know how long my x's emotional affair had gone on or even how long their friendship was, She never mentioned this guy at all. She used to mention guys in her depart that she worked with and I would be jealous over because I knew she was always discussing us with them. I knew this by her telling me so and so said we should do this and so and so said this is the right way to do this way and so and so said the contractor used the wrong material. I even became suspicious of the guy when he got in trouble at work, he got caught snooping in another part of the hospital and my then w supported saying the hospital was after him, and he had no reason to be in that area so whay would he be there. She also used to work for him a lot because he would take off to go hunting. She was always mad if one of the women took off and she had to cover.<P>But this wasn't the guy she had the affair with. It was somebody totally unknown to me.<P>She did mention that they both talked a lot about the problems in their marriages and that one day they hugged and she said something clicked.<P>I also think a contributing factor was my neglect, lack of interest,or I don't know what on a special weekend. She took me to an expensive hotel for a night for a promotion i received after 3 yrs of hard work. <P>We made love 3 times, but she felt I didn't pay her enough attentioin and should have been all over her the day we spent there. I admit I could have done better, but I was responding to the training she had given me before. When we were done, she would pick up her book to read which was always a signal that she didn't want bothered. I was too stupid to anything not to make her want to pick up a book and read.<P>The special night was in April and the affair became physical in May.

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lonelymom,<P>My ex felt the same way you did. That our marriage was over the minute I cheated. He went on a week long vacation with a "friend" less than a month after my confession and dated throughout our so-called recovery. He also did not have any remorse about doing so.<P>I don't want to slam you, but there is no good reason for infidelity. Your husband's behavior is unjustifiable. Him thinking that it was "ok" at the time is not reason enough for you to do the same in kind. Any infidelity is unjustifiable. There is no way anyone can say it is ok in this situation, but not in another, unless POJA is involved. You have filed papers, so the intention to divorce is there. However, you are not technically divorced. I understand the need to have companionship right now, but that same "need" is what got us betrayers in a bad position to begin with. Further, I'm sure you've read here and other places how emotionally dangerous it can be to get involved too quickly following a divorce. IMO, you have put yourself in a precarious position. <P>cuckhold,<BR>Me and other betrayers here I'm sure (like Jill, Hi!) have pointed out that it is not our H's fault for our affairs. We had other, less destructive, choices we could have made. I guess the lesson here is that there are behaviors that the betrayed can sometimes engage in that may contribute to the betrayer becoming vulnerable. These situations are addressed quite well by Harley. Hope that clears up any lingering doubt about "justification". Cheating behavior is unjustifiable, but the feelings preceeding an affair need to be addressed by both people. The feelings betrayers have before an affair might be completely reasonable. It is the way we betrayers chose to cope with these feelings that cannot be condoned.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited March 29, 2000).]

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This is really good information, thanks.<P>What do you think, based on the responses, what is usually the "straw" that final breaks the camel's back?<BR>

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Cuckold -- I am not capable of answering your question, since I too am the betrayed. <P>I think I will be checking in on this thread though, since I have wonder the same things concerning my W's affairs, both Emotional / Internet and Physical.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi, It's been a while since I have seen your name around here.<P>God Bless

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Cuckhold,<BR>It is harder for me to come up with a definitive moment when it turned into an EA. I can definately tell you the moment it turned into a PA. The approach to the EA was more in baby-steps, probably over months or maybe even years before I ever met the OM, while the PA was like jumping off a cliff.<P>I think the example I gave you about my ex screaming at me while I was shopping for his X-mas present was the straw that broke the camel's back. That happened around Mid-December. I slept with the OM the first week of January, about two weeks after that incident. I suppose my ex was suspicious before then, but he always knew of my whereabouts. I never lied about that. And I wasn't lying about going X-mas shopping either. Throughout our entire marriage, he had always been very jealous and possessive, although I will never know why. I was always completely faithful to him in every way. For years I did everything I could to reassure him. I think I was also sick of his distrust of me after everything I'd done. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited April 01, 2000).]

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I think The Student has put it best here for me at least. It is the many years of being posessed by my H and his actions of distrust that was pushing me towards the EA with an old friend. <P>I was tired of all the accusations. Kind of like "if your accused of something and haven't done it then hey, why not, I'm being accused anyway" type thing. <P>I know its wrong to think that way but it takes a toll on you in the end. The accusations are hard to get over. <P>falsely accused

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I think the straw that broke the camels back in my situation was the one night that I really needed H to help me with deciding which bills to pay and I tried to talk with him and he continued to give me those... "uh-huh" and "yup" kind of responses that you give to someone when you just really aren't listening... <P>Then the next day...I went and paid money on the particular bills that we had chosen to pay the night before. When he came home, he starts in on me about what I didn't do all day, (not mentioning or noticing what I DID do, which happened to be carpet cleaning and upholstery!) Asks me for the money so he can do something with it (Can't remember... even now!) and I told him.... HEY, we talked about this and I paid these bills.<P>Well... At that point... his facial features changed, and horns grew out of his head. He looked at me as if he was looking at the most disqusting, ugly, stupid woman in the world and started in about how I am irresponsible, and that we did not discuss anything about me paying those bills... and I was to blame for everything that went wrong, I should be working more hours, Other mothers hold down a full time jobs and keep the house clean (with 5 kids!!!) and still have time to exercise, shop, and love their man.....etc, etc, etc......<P>That was it.... that night I cried on my on-line, male friends shoulder (Who I had been talking to for about 6 months) that night and the next day I asked him up to see me....<P>Know this.... I am not an ugly woman. In fact, I am very pretty... figure and all....<BR>My H.... was just to wrapped up in everything else to notice or to allow myself to notice. No attention, No respect, No communication, No appreciation, No listening, and no self esteem. That would have to be what I think finally pushed me over the edge....

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falsely accused,<P>you said:<BR>"I was tired of all the accusations. Kind of like "if your accused of something and haven't done it then hey, why not, I'm being accused anyway" type thing."<P>and ya know? I never went into this thing consciously thinking what you said above. I'm sure subconsciously I was though. It's just that, on one hand, I had my H and years of distrust no matter what I did, then comes along the OM, who was nice to me. However, after I broke it off with the OM, I realized he wasn't so nice and was pretty capable of being mean himself. Oh well. Live and learn.

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