Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#860745 04/07/00 07:32 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 413
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 413
First of all, I want to thank everybody for their support and advice. You don't know how much I needed and appreciated it. I called a lawyer yesterday afternoon and scheduled an appointment for April 18. My sister is going to loan me the money for a divorce because she's knows I'm pretty strapped right now. I am just going to go ahead with the divorce. Maybe I'm weak, but I can't stay in this limbo anymore. I left H a note at my house (he's coming by this morning to pick up the rest of his stuff) telling him. I told him I would appreciate him paying for half since I'm not going to "take him to the cleaners". I am basically going to do what we had already discussed in terms of child support, visitation, etc. But I also told him he didn't have to pay for half - I would just appreciate it. He has already agreed (before no contact rule) not to move OW down here for a while out of respect for me as his wife of 15 years. To please give me some time to adjust and prepare for it. He has agreed. And you know what...I feel better. I am sad, of course, but I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I know I'm giving up on the marriage, but I honestly don't feel there is anything left there. I have to move on with my life. H told me the other day, "I am no longer responsible for your happiness." I never expected him to be, but neither did I expect him to be the cause of my incredible UNhappiness. Well, I am going to do the things I've always wanted. I'm going back to school this fall and major in anthropology. I am going to join an adult co-ed softball team. I haven't played in almost 20 years, but I used to love it. I don't know where this feeling of strength is coming from, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Again - I really do appreciate all your support and kind words.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

#860746 04/07/00 08:08 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
{{{{{{{{{{Keridwen}}}}}}}}},<P>I know your hurt...<BR>I do feel your pain...<P>...just a suggestion though...<BR>do see an attorney...<P>...but wait a while for filing the divorce papers...<BR>...give yourself just a bit of time...<BR>...think of a "small" Plan B first...<BR>...it will make the divorce go so much easier!<P>As far as the attorney goes...<BR>I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge... In your case... with limited funds... get some free advice first... and then later decide if filing for divorce makes sense.<P>I know you think that is delaying your release...<BR>...it is more so... giving you time to transition to a new life (that is one goal of Plan B.)<P>------------------------------<P>I thank you for your kind words on my "1-year ..." post...<BR>...for me too... this day will be hard...<BR>...but with so many responding to me...<BR>...it has lifted my spirits.<P>------------------------------<P>Prayers for your thoughtful decisions... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#860747 04/07/00 10:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Keri:<P>I am happy to see you feeling stronger. While I hate to see you move to divorce so quickly, YOU are the only person who can decide what to do when...and if this feels like what you need to do FOR YOU, you must follow that.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Well, I am going to do the things I've always wanted. I'm going back to school this fall and major in anthropology. I am going to join an adult co-ed softball team. I haven't played in almost 20 years, but I used to love it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YEAH!!! Do these things for YOU, regardless of what else happens...I want to see your report card this fall!!!<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi

#860748 04/07/00 10:27 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 433
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 433
Ima - we have softball teams up here too!<P>Glad you are feeling stronger. For the times when you waffle between the strong feelings and the feelings of frustration, come here!<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa

#860749 04/07/00 10:40 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
Keri<BR>You are not weak. You have taken control of your life. You made a decision for you.<BR>One day at a time and keep talking.<BR>You gave it your best shot but you have to take care of yourself.<BR>Hang on. We are all praying for you!<P>Wassi

#860750 04/07/00 10:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 413
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 413
Kam,<P>I know it may seem like I'm moving to divorce quickly, I actually am not. This has been going on for a year. D-day was May 1999. He broke contact, resumed contact in Sept 1999. Moved out in Jan 2000. Its been the year from he!!. I've just now gotten to where I honestly don't believe he will ever come back. Especially from the things he has said. And while I may regret it, I feel I need to move forward. My personality is one that needs something tangible...a divorce will do that for me. I want my maiden name back, I want to feel "separate". Then maybe I can accept his OW moving here with more aplomb. I will have to do that for my kids sake. And I DON'T want to share my last name with her. I can guarantee they will be married before the end of 2000. I have no doubt in my mind about that. If I don't file for divorce, he will. This way I get to set the parameters. He is less likely to contest it if I do it...but I want to make sure I get the things I need for me and the kids. If he files I will have to get my own lawyer and contest it and it will be even more expensive. I believe he will agree to everything I put into it, but I make sure everything is there...ya know? Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I don't feel like I'M giving up...HE is. He has made his decision and made it very clear in no uncertain terms that this is the end. I just have to move on. To be honest, I don't much like the person he has become. He is not the person I loved and married. And unless he can revert to that man, I don't want to be married to him. He's just not a nice guy anymore.<BR>

#860751 04/07/00 01:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 66
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 66
Keridwen--<P>Please don't feel as if YOU are giving up on your marriage. "It takes two to tango" as the saying goes. You could never have made it work without a commitment from your H. Don't take the blame for this one!!<P>You will be a better person after all is said and done. Enjoy your self and please take care of yourself!!!!!<P>May you find strength in every day! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Doug<BR><p>[This message has been edited by KindaBlue (edited April 07, 2000).]

#860752 04/07/00 01:18 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
Keri,<P>It is wonderful to hear you sounding empowered. Yes it is very sad that your marriage will be ending this way. But YOU need to survive. H is losing someone very special.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

#860753 04/08/00 05:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 178
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 178
Keri,<BR> I just got back on-line, today, and read your post. I've been at clinicals, little busy. But, I wanted to check in on you.<BR> I'm sorry that you had to go through so much hurt... OTOH, I'm glad that you are taking the reins into your own hands. You sounded very strong in this post. Keep it that way.<BR> God bless you! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <BR> I'll be praying for ya! Take care and keep posting!<BR> Mynabird

#860754 04/08/00 05:43 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 681
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 681
Going back to school is a decision you will never regret! It gives you back all that self esteem and confidence that you thought you lost in the midst of Hell! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Keeping busy will help keep you from focusing only on your pain. My homework keeps me so busy.<P>I wish you well on your decision. Divorce isn't always the answer, but sometimes it is the only answer to this sickness called infidelity in order to heal.<P>God Bless,<BR>Mercy <P>

#860755 04/09/00 06:20 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 996
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 996
You will be a better person after all of this. Believe me, I know how hard it is.<P>He'll realize at some point that "nirvana" does not exist. THat the grass is NOT greener on the other side. <P>In the meantime, you can only control what you can control.....yourself and your children... <P>This is so hard, so unbelievably devastating. I can share that with you.....<P><BR>I will pray for you and follow your posts... Stay strong...for yourself..for your children.....because it is the right thing to do.....!!!!!

#860756 04/10/00 07:38 AM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 413
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 413
Well, H found a rental house this weekend. He's going to be moving in in about 3 weeks when he has enough money to turn on the utilities. In the meantime he's living with his parents. The funny thing is, the landlords are the ones we rented from right before we built our house. They were glad to rent to him because we were such good renters. It's small, but the rent is reasonable, it's in a nice area, and there is plenty of room for the kids and his dog. I went to look at it with him and the kids yesterday...breaking my no contact rule...but I wanted to see it if my kids are going to be spending time there. It's nice. He's really excited about it, which is like a knife in my heart, but I won't let him see that. We've already decided on some of the furniture he can have, household items, etc. It feels so weird, but I've decided to just move forward. No looking back. It's just so hard to see him so happy moving on without me, when I feel so sad and empty inside. Will this feeling ever go away? Does it ever get easier? <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

#860757 04/10/00 09:04 AM
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 397
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 397
I am so sorry you are going through this. But I must say, I am so impressed with your outlook on life right now. It would be so much easier to feel sorry for yourself, but you are stepping up to the plate. <P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5