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Hello yall, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Of course, it is me again. I am having a rough time today. After H and I got back from church. We got home and relaxed. Of course this is the idea time for Satan to focus in on me. Knowing that I made contact with OM this week. Read the thread "Talked to Om for the first time since Jan. !"<P>I feel like Im in withdrawal again! I just cant seem to understand how OM gets by with all this crap. OM wife doesnt even know about the affair. He wouldnt tell her. Then he acts like it is no big deal. Like he has no conscience at all. I had to deal with my H knowing. Of course, that was my choice. I couldnt come in this house living a lie. I knew we needed God in this family. <P>Om told me that they were doing well. They had got into church. And everything was great! <BR>Do you really think that he will never have to face the fact of his W knowing. That was the hell part for me. TO think that H wasnt going to trust me ever again. And his W will never find out.<P>Does the spouse usually find out about it? Will it eventually come back and bite him? What are the statistics on that? <BR>I just couldnt beleive that he hadnt told her. Then to tell me they were doing great and were in church. To me that is living a lie.....<P>How long will it take to get over him? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]I cant beleive I made contact. Now this all over again. Any helpful hints in thsi 2nd stage?<P>Prayers for me and my family please!<BR>Thanks,<BR>Renee [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR><P>------------------<BR>

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Renee,<P>I'm sorry for your renewed contact and the pain it causes you...<BR>...I pray for continued strength for you to end it!<P>You can do it! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Renee<P>Thank you for replying to my post. I'm really new here so I think I messed up the reply. At least it's on there. I spoke with my wife when she got home from work and she said she might get on here and post her side of the story. I told her that you wanted to speak with her since you are kind of in the same situation. Any advice or support you can give her will be greatly appriciated!!!<P>Again, thank you!!!

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Tell the truth now.<P>Are you angry because the OM doesn't seem to be going through the same pangs of withdrawal missing you?<P>Perhaps you are thinking that his solution of not confessing and focusing on fixing the marriage seems a lot smarter than the<BR>add-baggage-and-then-try-to-move-on approach you opted for and that really makes you furious.<P>Or do you want to take a healing situation and destroy it so a woman can hate you personally forever and despise her marriage? No? Now you are thinking straight. Move on.<P>

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Cuckold,<P>You are probably right. I did wonder if I had taken the right approach or not. Becasue he was getting by with it. As far as withdrawal, of course. He could probably care less about me. He just told me to stay away from him that it was to hard for him to focus on his marriage. <P>AM I NUTS????<P>Is is that Satan just gets on my back? I am looking at it as. He didnt have to go through withdrawal like I did. He didnt have to confess like I did. HE CAME OUT SMELLING LIEK A ROSE!!!!! <BR>I guess I just think it is unfair. <BR>Any suggestions for me not raging over his actions? <BR>Thanks<BR> Renee<BR>

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Nsr,<P>I only spoke ti him on the phone that one time (Monday). I would never start this mess again. That just added fuel to the fire. I was doing so well.<P>Fulgore,<BR>You may email me at RPSTYLE@AOL.COM. If I can be of any help. Please let me know. I met a lady on the board here. She helped me when I first started withdrawal. I know this is hard for you. Just hang in there. You can have the most wonderful marriage if you hang tight with her. I promise it is worth it. The thing you haev going for you is that she is home. Do you know how many people are plan A and the spouse isnt home?<P>Now, she knows this is wrong. If she is like me. She got caught at her most vulnerable moment. I was very very lonely. And that was a result of it. SO I hope you have forgiven her. <P>My H was very supportive. Even though I made contact with OM Monday. I still would never ever think about that again. My H is making me fall in love with him again. I told my friend that I was thinking about OM. And that I had dreamt about him all night. She says well call him. You only live once. THat was not what I needed to hear. SO she called him for me. If she had said "NO CONTACT RENEE" I think I would have said ok. And left well enough alone.<P>Feel free to contact me. BE THERE FOR HER!! RIght now she feels like crawling in a hole and dying... PRAY PRAY PRAY!!<P>Prayers are with you<BR>Renee<BR>

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Hi Inamess -<P>No, you're not nuts!! You're just going through some very painful life lessons and growth pains.....<P>He is not going to come up smelling like a rose either!! You have learned that HONESTY is the cement that keeps the foundation together for a GOOD relationship - this guy is not being honest with his wife! How much rebuilding can he accomplish? How will his relationship survive without cement in the foundation cracks? <P>Don't rage about him Renee, he's not improving himself at all....he is not facing up to his wife and is not even taking steps to correct why he cheated in the first place!! If he doesn't address the whys with her - they are both going to have one hell of a rollercoaster life!!!<P>THANK GOD that you are not a part of his mess!!! THANK GOD that you and your H can be honest and (although painful for the moment) both want to take care of what led you to stray...with those problems dealt with - there will be no stopping the wonderful marriage you can create and enjoy!!!<P>You and H WILL get through this - much better than that other guy and his wife.<BR>Not only better, but as stronger, happier and more bonded than ever before!!!<P>Don't worry about slipping and contacting OM. It happened...realize that you only hurt yourself more and slowed down you and H a little - then don't do it again!!! As far as your friend saying "you only live once" - to those who say things like that it is good to respond "Yeah, and I want to do it right"!!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS and forget OM - he has a lot of garbage he is dumping onto himself and onto his wife......be very grateful to be out of that mess!!!!!<P>Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba

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Inamess...you are not nuts. You are most likely feeling sad, depressed, and are hurt all over again because the OM seems to have gone on with his life without missing a beat. You, on the otherhand, have had to suffer the consequences of your actions and his, which is a badly mangled marriage. You feel guilty and emotionally spent and terribly hurt and disappointed that this OM, a person you had trusted (I'm asumming you did)has been able to completely dismiss you. You are angry at yourself for even getting into this mess and want so much to stop feeling this way. Am I close? <P>I don't know your story, but I can empathize with this withdrawl you are feeling. I was involved in an EA and I have never gone through anything so intense as the pain I have had over the last two months. I think for me what makes it worse is that the OM seems to have had no trouble breaking contact. My H called the OM wife, so I know things have been rough for him as well; yet, missery loves company, and it is doubly painful to think I am the only one suffering. <P>I don't know how long this heart ache takes. I quess that depends on the intensity of the relationship. If your marriage is salvageable and you still love your husband then I am sure you will find your way back. In my case, things were pretty bad before the EA and divorce has already been filed. Even though, I'm still experiencing withdrawl big time, I know that I don't want the OM unless he is free for me to have, since he's not, communciation is not an option. Have faith and stay strong...every time you make contact it's going to hurt you all over again.<P><BR>

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Sheba,<BR>Thanks so much for the response. I guess I just have a hard time dealing with what I am going through. And what he is going through. It seems as it is nothing to him. My conscience killed me. I thought I was going insane. I had to tell H.<P>I guess that is whaat I have a hard time dealing with. He is coming out smelling like a rose. Not that I want her to find out. So she can harrass me. But it seems so easy for him. How stupid could she be? Her freind caught us at the park together. OM told her we were talking about their marriage. <BR>Withdrawal was HORRID for me. It was nothing for him. I tried to avoid everything for him. Then he told me to stay away from where they would be??? What is wrong with this picture? <BR>Will this catch up with him? Will she eventually find this crap?<P>I desire your prayers<BR>Renee

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LonelySoul,<P>You are so right. That is probably it. although I do think that Om loved me. I just cant beleive that he doesnt care what I go through here. <BR>I am on teh raod to recovery. I ended it jan 1. I confessed to H. I hadnt had contact until last week. Take my advice. DO NOT MAKE CONTACT EITHER!!!!!!!! You will be back at square one. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. IM NOT!!!<BR>H and I are doing well. He is the man of my dreams now. So holld on to hope if you think there is any.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee

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Hi Again Inamess -<P>I know that you are having a hard time..<BR>..I am sorry for that. I think that you may hurt more for the fact that it doesn't seem to mean as much to him as it does/did to you - yes? That is why I want to point out that you are very lucky that things ended. He is not a person that cares too much about anyone else....not his wife....not you..and God knows how many others in the past or future.<P>He doesn't seem to have the character that you do when it comes to conscience.<P>Rest assured that his wife knows in some shape or form....if not about an actual affair - at least that "something" has been going on with him. She is not stupid and is probably in this same hell that we all are. Only she is not lucky enough to have found MB and therefore doesn't know what to do about her suspicions. She is lost, scared and feeling very alone and confused. If he doesn't talk truthfully with her - she will carry this pain forever. Not so lucky eh?<P>And him.....well, he will just keep making himself and all the women he may come across miserable by his avoidance of communication with his wife. He will just be one messed up individual!!<P>You don't need or really want that for you and your life - do you?<P>I heard a good proverb the other day:<P>"A man's integrity is his destiny"<P>Your integrity is in tact - thus the need to be honest with your husband.<P>His is lacking......<P>I know that it is difficult to go through withdrawal, try to think on all the GOOD that is surrounding you. Your H, your conscience, you are not burdened with lies, etc. You can take this experience as a jolt from God for you and H to start learning and becoming closer with a kind of love that is strong and lasting.<P>The more you think on him and his withdrawal (or lack thereof) you are making him "important" while he is making himself important enough.....he doesn't need your help for that!!<P>The care you had for him resulted from things that you had inside that you needed fulfilled. Perhaps his care for you was only a "wanting" for himself. <P>I guess it comes down to this - You were both in a mess (as you call it) and now you have taken the steps to get out of that mess. He hasn't.<P>Who's better off?<P>Big Hugs, Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba

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Sheba, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Now that hit home. You are so right. I just hate the fact. I am not working today, because I didnt sleep all night last night. Of course over all this crap. <BR>Your the best thing. You have so many valid points here. Im going to be honest here. I often wondered about him having other affairs. Which makes me very scared of STD'S. I cant stomach the fact that I slept with a man other than my H. My H was the only man that I had slept with. I guess that is what makes it hard to swallow also. I am just hurting like heck to think that I mean tno more than that. <BR>My sis says he is the one living in hell. Because he is getting up every morning wondering if W is going to find out. I couldnt imagine the baggage. Just like you said. He is in hell, not me. Mine is all in the open now. I confessed to H and my family. <BR>What was your situation anyway? Where you the betrayer? <P>Thanks for the prayers<BR>Renee<P>BTW, I have such a close walk with God right now. I am thankful this happened. Do you think this could have happened for a reason?<P>

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I think that it most definitely happened for a reason!!! You know it too....just look at how you and H are coming along.<P>Would you both be where you are (even this soon in rebuilding) if this experience didn't occur? Would you have found MB and learned about what is really needed for a good relationship? <P>It's a rebirth - take advantage of it by learning, understanding and implementing all the tools that Dr Harley has provided on this site. NO couple can go wrong with this advice when they both use it......I think it should be taught in school and then we all wouldn't get ourselves into these messes to begin with!!! LOL!!!<P>My story...I am basically just like your OM's wife. My H had undisclosed problems and looked elsewhere for solutions. <P>I tried all I knew to get some honesty from him - for years!!! Then I found MB and I discovered that until he decides to face himself and his issues - NO relationship will work for him.<P>I love my H - he is a good person with a messed up mind. He avoids, runs and clears his conscience by blaming and ignoring. Until he stops jumping around looking for his "happiness" and starts looking at himself - he will stay in his mess!!<P>He has filed for divorce and has a certain OW (and other laydies) pulling him along. He jumps from absolute disgust of me to wanting to be with me in 10,20 years.....and keeps saying how "wonderful" our relationship will be when we are divorced.<P>Now, HE'S NUTS!!!! LOL!!! Just call him the Whack-A-Doodle!!!<P>So you see, people have to face themselves, they have to be honest and truly understand what drives them to do the things they do. Until they can do that with themselves and the ones they love.....nothing will work.<P>You are going to be fine Renee....<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

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Sheba, <P>Hugs! Your are right again. I was looking for so much happiness. I had went on shopping sprees. Bought a new car. Anything that I could possibly latch onto to find it. The only difference is. I tried to tell my h for 2 years that I was lonely. I had a nervous breakdown. After that I said forget it. I will make my own world. And I done just that. Now, you see what that got me. A freak to fall in love with. And a marriage to try to build back.<P>Prayer aree with you<BR>Renee

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Okay Guys,<P>Pray that my vengance doesnt take over here. I am trying so hard. Of course I am hurt. And what is the human nature way to handle this? Me, to retaliate. I dont want to in my heart. However, the more I think about it the more I want to hurt him. I am trying not to think about here. Im sure you guys know how hard that is. I didnt even work today. Because i was looking for answers. AI AM INSANE!!!!!!!!! Why did I ever do this to myself?<P>I DESIRE YOUR PRAYERS! LIFT ME UP IN PRAYERS!<P>Renee<BR>

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Okay Guys,<P>Pray that my vengance doesnt take over here. I am trying so hard. Of course I am hurt. And what is the human nature way to handle this? Me, to retaliate. I dont want to in my heart. However, the more I think about it the more I want to hurt him. I am trying not to think about here. Im sure you guys know how hard that is. I didnt even work today. Because i was looking for answers. AI AM INSANE!!!!!!!!! Why did I ever do this to myself?<P>I DESIRE YOUR PRAYERS! LIFT ME UP IN PRAYERS!<P>Renee<BR>

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Hi inamess-<BR>Please know that just because the Om says everything is great at home, does not mean he is being honest with you.<BR>Think about how much better you feel ( and I can imagine, how much better your marriage is now that the secret is out and you and your husband are working on your marriage )<BR>and this is something the Om does not have.<P>Remember what it was like to live with the secret - that is the way the Om is going to feel every day of his life!<BR>If he has no consience and can move on with his life without this affecting him at all -<BR>thank God that he is no longer a part of your life- that you ended it when you did and that you do not have to deal with him anymore.<P>Remember - just because he says everything is great, doesn't make it so!!! <P>best wishes,<BR>Joy

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How do I get over the wanting revenge thing? I never ever thought I could be such a thoughtless person, until now. <BR>i dont want to get in that crap again.I certainly do not want to stir it up worse. I just hate the fact that he is off Scott-free.<P>I have to get the revenge out fo me. I know what I will do. And my h would want me to do that as well. H would not discourage me getting revenge. He wanted me to.<P>renee<BR>

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Renee -<BR>Living an honest life and being happy, no secrets between you and your husband --- this is your revenge!! This is something he will not have. He may live a life of lies the rest of his life - think about how miserable you would have been if you held in the secret forever - that is his life!<P>I did not catch the earlier posts - did he contact you last week - or you contacted him?<P>Joy<BR>

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Joy,<P>I had my friend contact him last week. Then he called me back. He told me he would call me the next day and he didnt. So I called his house that night. he answered the phone. When he answered I hung up. The secnond time I called I said "Me begging you to leave your wife? Me, Chasing you?" and then hung up. That is what he is telling everybody at work. That I chased him, and begged him to leave his wife. He in return called me that following morning when he got to work, to see why I called. I passed him on the road also. He acted so distant from me. He acted like he was scared to death of me. This was the day before the phone calls.<BR>It hurts like HELL!!!!!!!!!! To think that I was a fool in that situation. <P>Thanks for all the help and support<BR>Renee

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