Hello.<P>Well, I've been lurking here for the past few weeks and responding every now and then to posts here and there. I thought that I would briefly share with you an update of my situation.<P>My husband seems to be very busy lately, which has left VERY little time for quality communication, etc. I find myself falling asleep alone on the couch at night.<P>Nope...there has been no sex here since early March (I know...I probably should've posted THAT remark on the "Sexual Frustration" thread from several days ago...LOL ) And physically, I don't have a desire AND, my husband hasn't asked me to make love. (I know you all wanted to know THAT ).<P>My husband does see my depression and has recommended that I take an MMPI test (Has anyone had experience with taking or administering that particular test? If so, I'd love to hear your opinions on it...what can I expect? How will this help me?).<P>The OM hasn't tried to contact me recently.<P>I'm feeling very lonely and sad right now. <P>I have a very close relationship with my mom and my grandma. I find myself calling them on the phone alot...I don't discuss my marriage problems with them.<P>Is my marriage dead? Am I dead? What is wrong with me?<P>Will I ever get out of this "funk"? When will things get better?<P>I hate to be in such a "down" mood.<P>Any input is appreciated...<P>Jill<P>

Jill,<P>So sorry to hear you are down. <P>Do something nice for yourself, okay. <BR>Get a facial<BR>Dye your hair<BR>Bye some new nail polish<BR>Go for a walk in the woods<BR>Eat a piece of chocolate cheesecake<BR>Girls night out<BR>Buy yourself some flowers<BR>Read a good book<BR>Start a hobby<P><BR>I don't know...just find something that makes you feel good and do it.<BR>When you are feeling good you will start feeling better about <B>YOU</B> and then you will be better able to tackle your marriage.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{JILL}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sorry things are not going better. As for the MMPI, there was a thread on this a few days ago...titled something like "Need help from pyschology majors"...can't remember if it was on this board or under Divorce (someone was being asked to take it for custody hearing, I think...so may have been D board)...but it had lots of links to info on the test, if I recall correctly.<P>No wise words, just wantd to stop by and give you a cyberhug...<P>Kathi

The test is a 500 question very long inventory that basically gives all kinds of indicators on everything from tendency towards obsessive compulsive disorder to how much you impression manage. Usually a psychologist or psychiatrist recommends taking the test when they need information to make a diagnosis. It is not their only means of making the diagnosis though and from my experience most counselors interview their client first before making any kind of indication that they need to take a test. I think the test is fairly costly too. About 500 dollars from my recollection so it's not something that is given out unless their is a fairly strong need. It does get used quite frequently in custody proceedings though. A PH.D must give it out or it is administered by a master's counselor under a ph.D's supervision. <P>There are other personality like inventories that can get used as well. When I was in college I took several of them while learning about all the various types and they proved quite interesting. <P>Anyway, before you run out and spend 500 dollars trying to get the test done...make an appointment with a counselor. If you are clinically depressed they will know the proper course of action.<P>As for your marriage being dead...I don't think so. I think there are still unresolved issues that need to be brought to the table. Nothing is wrong with you just the things that will bring about desired change have to happen when you are both ready. It does take alot of time.

Dear Jill,<P>It's good to hear from you, I was wondering how things are going with you. however, I am sorry to learn you are depressed and your marriage is in a state of mutual withdrawl.<P>The advice I have read for a situation like yours is to "act as if". Specifically, act as if you are in love with your husband, act as if you are happy, act as if you are content, etc. The idea behind this approach is that your heart will follow you actions. I know this is much easier said than done. But give it a try. <P>Another idea: every day, write down in a journal what it is you want to improve (ie. communication), and what you want to do to improve it. Be specific, don't set your goals too high, focus on small steps (ie have a chat with H). Then take that action. Now write down in your journal what you did, and how it felt (ie. "today we had a talk for 5 min. about H's day, it was nice, he seemed pleased to talk"). Continue with this every day if you can, certainly every week. Don't be upset by setbacks, learn from them. <P>The important thing is, don't wait for things to improve on their own 'cause they won't. You have to get in their and make it happen. You might think, "why do I have to do all the work, what about my H". A fair question, but if you're each waiting for the other to start, you may be waiting for a very long time. So you can start the ball rolling, and when you act your husband will respond.<P>Good luck and God bless,<BR>Kenneth<P><BR>

Hi Jill...<P>Man...do I understand the place you are in. You are definitely in that "in-between-place" You know that you don't want to go back (OM), and yet the very reason as to why you did go in the first place, (stale marriage) has not been resolved. <P>You probably feel like it is hopeless...if your husband does not know the extent of the "journey" you have been on...then he just won't understand the depth of the problem. <P>The scary thing is...that it makes you still vulnerable. Kind of like that catch-22. You just don't want to deal with certain truths at home...yet if you don't, seems like you will never get back to where you need to be. <P>I too...am there...in a similar way. Just not wanting to totally open up to my wife, yet realizing unless she understands that she is the ONE person who can really help me, I may never get that help.<P>***Sigh*** <P>:-)<p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited April 27, 2000).]

Hi Jill,<P>Glad to hear from you and sorry you are down. I would like to offer some ideas. First, if your H is working really hard don't wait for him to make decisions for recreation. You make some for him and tell him about them. <P>Second, I would really recommend a discussion with your H about working. This is going to sound really trite but hang with me. As usual I will preface my suggestion with a bit of my experience.<P>I like to get exercise, but not nearly as much as should . However, one day I sat down and did a little calculation. It seems that people who jog and exercise add a few (2~3 years) to their life span over someone who doesn't smoke but otherwise leads a seditary life. Now if you realize that most people are awake 16 hours a day, and that most joggers use 2 hours a day for jogging (changing clothes, warming up, jogging, cooling down, showering, changing clothes etc), then that means that they spend 12.5% of the waking life jogging. Now if the average life span is say 70 years (for argument sake and you jog for 35 of those years you have spent over 4 years of your life jogging to gain roughly 2-3 years.<P>This doesn't make sense unless one likes to get the exercise. Further, you have to ask yourself do you want those years in the front part of your life or the back end of your life? <P>This is not an arguement against exercise, but it points out that there must be other rewards to make it of use to someone.<P>So what does this have to do with your issues. It seems to me your H, like myself and many other people is working very hard. For what? To build a good life and a good retirement when the two of your will have time to relax and enjoy the fruits of his labors. However, at that age, his sexual powers will be greatly diminished. The health of the both of you may be poor. So many things can happen.<P>So it is may recommendation to ask him if he wants his sex and life on the front end or the back end You can use the double meaning as you wish. But it is a real concern. Life does need some balance and he is missing out on the peak of many things by working hard for a day that may not come.<P>This can be a very sobering discussion for both of you, but it is not a love buster. It is saying you want some time with him now when he is at his peak. <P>Think about what I have said and if it seems reasonable to you, it seems to me it is worth a late night discussion. In fact it might really hit home, when he comes home late tired (too tired to make love) and he realizes you would like to. Time does fly Jill and it would do him good to realize it.<P>Hope this helps.<P>JL

Hi.<P>Thanks so much for the kind words and advice. It helps me just to "vent" sometimes, you know?<P>NoMas: ***sigh*** You're right...I'm at that in-between place (is there such a thing as maritial purgatory??)...things are stale. Yes, I'm vulnerable and I realize that. That's why I'm spending so much time trying to busy myself with school and church and family. I'm constantly surrounded by my female Christian friends or my family members...that helps. It really is sad that I'm surrounded by so many people and I'm STILL lonely. I guess that's what being depressed is, isn't it? Thanks so much for reminding me that my marriage isn't the ONLY marriage in "purgatory". (I don't mean to offend anyone by using the term "purgatory").<P>Beth: I appreciate the input on the MMPI test. I'm not going to be paying for it if I choose to take it. My husband knows a psychiatrist from his workplace. <P>Kenneth: Thanks for the "act as if" advice. Believe it or not, I try to do that most of the time. I feel like I've been "acting as if" for my entire marriage. Does that make sense? And, I LOVE to journal! I have pages filled with random thoughts (positive, negative, etc...just daily life stuff). It's great to know that there are "fellow-journalers" out there! <P>JustLearning: You're right...life is short...MUCH too short to waste time on pettiness. Thanks for the reminder. <P>PatientLove: I have been eating LOTS of those slice and bake cookies with the Easter bunnies on them (I KNOW!! Isn't that TERRIBLE!) Thank goodness I exercise or I could EASILY put on 15 pounds this month. Thanks for reminding me that it's okay to pamper myself every now and then! <P>Kam: I do remember seeing the "psychology majors" thread on here a few days back, but I didn't look at it because it said "psychology majors" LOL! I think I'll try to find it and read it now! <P>Anyway, you guys are great! Thanks so much for "stopping by" to give me a "boost"! <P>Love and peace,<P>Jill

Jill...<BR>I have not read many of your post in some time. Did you ever tell your husband? If not, are you at peace with this decision for now? <P>Do you feel like his not knowing could hinder him from really understanding the problems in the marriage?<P>Gary Smalley has some very good videos on marrige relationships...and encourages couples to "rank" there marriages on a scale of 1-10.<P>He encourages the spouses to answer three questions....<P>1) Where do you think our marriage is now?<BR>2) Where would you like it to be?<BR>3) What do you think we will need to do <BR> get it there?<P>Funny....he says men always rank it higher than what the wife would.<P>So much pain involved I think...when really dealing with the underlying issues...yet...you have heard the old saying,<BR>"no pain - no gain!"<P>

Jill:<P>So sorry you are in such a blue mood. I don't really know your story, but I take it that since you are depressed and haven't heard from the OM, you are the betrayer and are in the throes of withdrawl. Isn't it fun? I am only kidding, I have been experiencing the blues for over two months now. There are days when I think, okay it is getting better...I'll be fine. The next day I wake up and it hurts as much as it did on day one. It is hard not to think you have completely lost it...especially when we are suppose to be grown ups and not 16 yearolds getting over a break-up. So much for maturing.<P>I take it your husband is being supportive and wants to help. That is good and should help. I remember when I first found MB, I read that withdrawl lasts a few weeks. I also remember thinking GOOD, I'll be normal again. Well, I quess it depends on the intensity of the affair and your feelings. In my case it was an EA...I never even saw this person, so I was even more convinced I had lost my mind. Of course, for me, it seemed everything in my life was turning bad...work, my marriage, and the final blow, the EA. For the first month after divorce was filed, I just felt overwhelming sadness. How much of it was stress, the end of my marriage, or withdrawl is anyone's quess. My marriage counselor actually confirmed the marriage was dead. I felt like my whole life was a failure. Its hard to get up in the morning and think how wonderful life is, when you truly are focused on the miserable condition your own is in.<P>I find being here has helped me understand what I did more clearly. Talking to others about withdrawl has really helped too. I have been in counseling since February, which also has helped; I don't have this overwhelming sense of sadness anymore. Time is helping me to be stronger and stronger. I don't take anti-depressants, but if my depression doesn't lift soon...I may ask for them. I realize that the only person that can fix this is me, so I need to try and get over the OM and do what I need to do. I have so many major decisions I need to attend to and being depressed 75% of the time isn't helping. <P>I have no advice, but to hang in there. Do what works for you. If talking about it helps, talk, talk, talk...write in a journal, do something nice for yourself. Eventually, the sadness will evaporate. <P>Lots of love and luck!!!<P>LS<P>

Jill<P> It is nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to see that your feeling down. I find relationship in about the same state. What I do to help me is I collect up my strength and start planning something special from my wife. For some reason focusing on this does help to cheer me up. It doesn't have to be anything special.<P>Hope things start to turn around<BR>Joe<BR>

Hi.<P>Lonelysoul: Hi. It's nice to hear from you!No, I'm not in the midst of withdrawal. My emotional affair lasted six months (end of 1998 and early 1999) and my physical affair lasted one weekend in spring of 1999. I completely ended the affair (EA and PA) after that weekend. Sure, I had a few weeks of misery. But, when my eyes were opened to the ugliness of what I had done to God, my husband and myself, they were really OPENED!! <P>I do feel in the midst of a stale marriage. And, I also feel like I've been struggling with depression for a while (no meds yet...I hope I don't have to get to that point to overcome this...I kind of like the holistic approach, myself).<P>Like you, I feel that being here has helped me to have a clear picture of what it is that I've done. It's also helped me to have some clue of how to "fix" that. <P>NoMas: No, I have not revealed my affair to my husband. Yes, I am at peace with that decision. It's been a few years, but I have seen Gary Smalley's video series. I also love his books. I've read "Making Love Last Forever" and my husband has "If Only He Knew". My husband and I look at the books quite frequently, but it might be a good idea to check out the videos from our church library...thanks for the good advice! <P>GettingBetter: I like your idea of focusing on something else. My husband and I have an overnight trip planned for this weekend...what a coincidence...perfect timing with your input! <P>Once again, thanks everyone for taking the time to help me.<P>Jill

Jill<P> Something that helps me a little is a few good phases. I have posted a few of them at <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002383.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002383.html</A> <P>My two faviors are <P>The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts<BR>-- Marcus Antonius<P>Happy are those who are inclined to see the bright side of things <BR>-- Unknown<P>I hope the day comes when I learn to live them instead of aspiring to live them.<P> There is one other saying that I love and I'm sure you already know about and that is <P>Love is Patient, Love is Kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NOT FAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>1 Corinthians 13:4-8<P>I have found this to help put me back on feet to give me the strength to carry on another day. Jill, I have followed your story for some time now and I feel your love for your husband is sincere. What is weighting you down is the guilt. I know why you choose the path you did and I can see why and I actually agree. With the silence you came the pain of the betrayed as well as the betrayer. Speaking as one betrayed to another it is important for you pick yourself up to go on another day. Just as the betrayed you have to be the one to grow your marriage. I have all the faith in the world in you. I know you can do it. We just need a push sometimes. Please don't beat yourself up for the past.<P>Look not mournfully into the past, It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine <BR>-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow --<P>I gave this to my wife and asked her to live it. Now I am asking you to do the same!!!<P>Jill, I find it FUN to do things for wife. GO AND PLAN SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE MAN YOU LOVE SO MUCH!!!!<P>Joe<P><BR>