My H and I have been separated for three months and have two young children. He is having an affair (although he won't admit it.. but I have independent proof). He is currently trying to be nice to me.. his family has gotten into his **** soo many times lately about how rude and unfeeling he is to me that I think it has finally sunk in that he might not be right in the way that he is behaving towards me. I do not know how to deal with him... I have to deal with him frequently because we have kids. I just feel like he is being soo phony. I try very hard to be polite.. to respond in kind.. but I do not want to be fake and a hypocrite like he is.. he is the type that thinks he can get away with anything.. that if he acts like everything is ok than it will be.. He thinks that he is doing nothing wrong in leaving me and this marriage.. the kids will be ok according to him as long as he stays involved with them.. (He is the type that thinks like Bill Clinton.. you know.. he was having an affair but since he didn't sleep with her until we separated, he didn't committ adulter.. they did everything but...) He still goes to church and receives communion and take the kids with him.. it disgusts me that he is such a hypocrite! Anyway, he has been sending me messages about stuff he wants out of the house and getting hostile when I don't agree.. now he wants to meet with me in front of a counselor that I have been seeing to tell me why our marriage won't owrk... So, any advice on how to treat him in return.. I have been trying cool, polite but distant...

Nikki123,<P>Keep on with your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>"I think it has finally sunk in that he might not be right in the way that he is behaving towards me."<BR>...that's a good sign!<P>"I try very hard to be polite.. to respond in kind.."...<BR>...that good too...<BR>...a hard thing to do... but very good!<P>"...I do not want to be fake and a hypocrite like he is.."<BR>...then believe in the <B>full</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and whenever possible meet his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P><BR>"He is the type that thinks like Bill Clinton.. you know.. he was having an affair but since he didn't sleep with her until we separated, he didn't committ adultery.." and...<P>"He still goes to church"... nothing wrong there (maybe the only <B><I>education</I></B> he gets!)" and...<P>"...receives communion"... that's a no-no.<P>"...now he wants to meet with me in front of a counselor that I have been seeing to tell me why our marriage won't work..."<BR>...no need for you to be abused in front of a counselor.<P>I know this is hard...<BR>...maybe be less cool and less distant...<P>From "the book"... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Plan A:</B> Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA) i.e.<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <P>Jim

Hi Nikki,<P>My situation is kind of a mess too, so I don't know how much advice I can give you...but I have to say, if my H agreed to go to my counselor I'd take it as a good sign. Make yourself an appointment before the one you both go to, and plan with your counselor how best to handle the situation. Maybe the counselor could ask you to leave the room for a bit and he/she could spend some time alone with your H. The counselor may be able to get some insight that you can't.<P>I know what you mean about the church/communion thing. My H is Catholic, and so are are kids (I am not) and he could not go to church once he started up with OW. Just could not bring himself to walk through those doors. Of course, I didn't know at the time why he stopped going, but it's clear now. At least he didn't lie to God all of those times like he lied to me.<P>Sounds like you are treating your H the only way you can right now. I know the nicer I am the more guilt my H feels, so I walk a fine line between Miss Sweetness and ignoring him.<P>I try to be...self-assured, in control of my emotions (tough one), encouraging, forgiving..but sheesh, we're only human. Ok ok...I'm ranting, but do read all the things NSR hi-lighted on his post. It took me several times reading this stuff, and I'm just now getting it. A bit thick I know, but comprehension was never one of my best subjects. Reading Survival After the Affair really spells it out well too.<P>Keep posting, and let us know how it's going.<BR>

Thank you both for your insight. It is really hard to stay calm when I am around him. He knows just how to get my goat! He did it again last night. We had gone to a school event at the preschool together... that was ok.. we just pretty much ignored each other! Than he had said he wanted some of his stuff from the house.. two of his stereos and speakers.. so he came by to get them afterwards. I asked him to patch the holes in the wall where he had run speaker wire and he said he wouldn't do that. He wants me to sell the house.. so I told him that we needed to do these minor repairs to get the house ready for sale.. and he said just sell the house as is. I told him that was not acceptable.. that I wanted to sell the house for as much as possible so that we should undertake to do various things to make the place look as nice as possible so that we could maximize the sale value of the house.. (I am not talking about major investments of time or money here.. just basic upkeep and repair). He coped an attitude and said that was not his problem as he didn't live there any more and that wouldn't do it. I than took the kids up to bed. When I came down he was removing his stereo stuff but had left behind the stereo cabinet. I asked him if he was taking it and he said no he didn't want it (It was his before we married). I said I didn't either and asked him to get rid of it. He said it was my problem.. Well I lost it.. I started yelling at him about how it was his problem too.. that it was not fair that I had to deal with the house, getting it ready for sale, moving etc...plus getting rid of any and all stuff that he left behind! He said again, that it was not his problem in a really superior smug voice and I said yes it is! It was a result of his decision that I was having to deal with all the stuff.. selling and moving.. and he just looked at me with this obnoxious look as=nd said.. oh I just knew you would be back to that again..it is all about my choice isn't it.. it wasn't really a choice" At that point I just left the room and him because I thought I was going to really loose it. I mean really, fine, he wants to move on.. but all he cares about is the kids.. and not even their well being.. just that he gets a certain amount of time with them on his terms...he could give a damn about the rest of the mess that he is leaving behind.. not to mention taking responsibility for everything...OHHH, I am still mad thinking about it! Why should I have to clean up everything??