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Joined: Sep 1999
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I want to scream at him you [censored] why are you doing this to me. I am only came back here because you said you knew for sure this was what you wanted. I never wanted to come back here. I didn't want to have to take care of our home alone. I didn't want to have to deal with the memories. There are too many here. I can't do this alone. I can't handle this. I want my Husband back. I have never felt so much hate for anyone in my life.<P>Hoiw can people tell him that he is good for her. He is has a wife a family what is wrong with people that don't respect committments. Why don't they think there is something wrong with him for wanting someone who has no respect for marriage has no respect for anyone that thinks that sex is an amusement. For pleasure only.<P>What is wrong with society!!!!!!!!!<P>I hurt so bad. I want people to tell me there is hope. I want to believe that he is telling me the truth that he has told me the truth that wwhat he is doing now is the lie. <BR>How do I keep this belief when he is with her. When he can't leave her. Why do I still want to believe after all that he has done. Why???????????????<P>I really wish I could stop loving him it would be so much easier to go on with my life if I could stop loving him. Why can't I let go????????????????????/<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Joined: Apr 1999
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Wheweeeeee,<BR>pretty good rant for starters di.<BR>Can you go on? I say just let it all out. Beat on a punching bag, use a golf club to whack a pillow til is explodes. Borrow wassi's hay bale. You can drive to the closest river and throw rocks in til your arm is numb. Run til you are out of breath. Walk outside and scream til your throat hurts. (if you have neighbors, stay inside).<BR>Let it all out physically sds. Dont let it fester inside of you. We all get totally pissed when trying to deal with this.<P>Just stay away from h...no throwing the dishes either. No getting arrested.

Joined: Nov 1999
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di,<P>Tough feelings...dump it all on us and give H a big warm smile???<P>Maybe Lori can send some of her patients to ya....<P>Anyhoo, hang in there...cl has the right idea...<P>Love Ya [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

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Okay I was mowing the lawn and mowed right through the center of his herb garden. Any way that is what started it all. I did mow the herbs down on purpose. But it was like it released a tidal wave in me. I wish I could say that the will be the last one but I doubt it. <P>How long will it take the paxil to go into affect. <P>I feel so alone. I am so scared. The money situation really scares me this time. I am trying to take one day at a time but the day is too long. <P>I sent off an application and resume to a school district in Texas and tomorrow I have a friend who is bring me a list of other places to apply to. I know I have a good chance for a teaching position. Texas is desperate for teachers and I have the experience and even if I say so my self I was a damn good teacher. Gave too much to my students and not enough to my H. But a paycheck would be three months away. <BR>I would have been better off if I hadn't move here. But then again I wouldn't be applying for teaching jobs either. <P>My daily meditiationended with this today."Then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because God had something much better planned for us." the prayer then asked for patience, which I need so badly. <P>Thanks for listening. I am exhausted so I am going to try to go to bed early and get some sleep. SOmetimes I wish I could sleep and not wake up till everything was better. So I wouldn't have to deal with all this crap. Be a Sleeping Beauty to be awaken by my H's kiss when he finally is ready to come home for good. That sounds like a good plan to me.<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Joined: Jun 2000
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SDS, don't wait for tommarow, yu can take positive steps tonight to find jobs to apply for, Do a search, for employment in your field. And see what you can find. I know right now, you need to occupy your mind with other things. And take steps to remove yourself from your h. I'm so sorry for what is happening to you. ((((SDS))))

Joined: Apr 2000
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Di,<P>That was a good release. I always felt a little better after a good rant. You can also take an old picture of him and beat it with a stick, bat or other implement of destruction. Just don't do it to the real person or let him see you do it.<P>One last thing, you are NOT alone. We are all here together. We share your pain and sorrow. We will also share your happiness when you finally reach it (and you WILL reach it).

Joined: May 2000
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Wow. I felt that one. That's good. Let it out. All your feelings of hurt, resentment, anger, and "what now" are normal, but remember this too shall pass. <P>I find it helps to focus on where I am going rather than where I've been or where I am. The future has so many positive possibilities. Why not dwell there? I do believe we can create our own realities (but don't believe in imposing our will on others), so why not envision something you've always wanted? Look at this as an opportunity to do something that this relationship has always held you back from doing. You have time now. You have space now. What can you do for you?<P>Your job search is a great thing! I know it's hard to live when you are worried about finances, but you have great prospects. It's just a matter of time before it all falls into place. Just keep believing in yourself and get your frustrations out in a positive way. You will get there.

Joined: Apr 1999
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SDS, anger under your circumstances is natural!!!!<P>And just like the others have said, channel it out in non-destructive ways. I've been lifting weights the last 7 weeks (again, I quit for several months [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) and I can't believe how much better I'm feeling--headaches, stomachaches & arthritis pain getting much milder. Our anger bottled up makes us sick.<P>As for love, I believe chosing to love is a decision, but stopping love...loving behavior can be stopped, but the emotion itself, I'm not so sure. As someone who felt I had lost all my love for my H...I'm not sure you want to wish for that, I still had the connections, memories, even committment. But maybe it was more about taking a break from actively caring (Plan A) for awhile, letting my own Taker rise for a bit. And the love for him is back.<P>Try very much to let your H & thoughts of him go for a few days. Be polite if you have contact, just don't give. It might relieve some of the pressure on you. I know, with your long separation behind you, that it is unimaginably difficult to think about going back to being that way, but you can do it. You have done it. You are strong whether you wish to be or not.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SDS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Joined: Jun 2000
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SDS,<P>I know how you feel. I know this hurts. I feel it for you and wish you weren't feeling this pain. It's awful and the rage is hard to control, I know.<P>Come here and rage away, we understand and know you need to do it. You don't deserve to feel this hurt and pain. I wish I could take it away.<P>You need to stay calm if you can, don't take it out on yourself.<P>Sometimes when I'm not eating or can't sleep I tell myself, why the h*ll should I suffer when I didn't do anything to deserve this horrid treatment. I deserve o treat myself to stuff because I'm a good person. It feels good to treat myself and pamper myself. I deserve it! And so do you, do some self-talk and tell yourself you deserve to feel good, eat good, sleep good and look good because, damn it, you are good.<P>I'm praying you get thru this incident without taking it out on yourself, I pray you won't feel compelled to LB H too.<P>We're all here if you need us.<P>Jo<P>p.s. Was it deliberate when you mowed over his herb garden??? Good for you!

Joined: Sep 1999
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Yes I mowed the herb garden down on purpose. I am a lost calmer today. I don't like losing control and I have only done it one othere time. It was almost a year ago only then H got in the way. Actually I was knocking everything off of his dresser he grabbed me to stop me and our son hit him. Gave H a purple eye. This time no one was around.<P>I do have some good news I told you I had faxed an application yesterday, well they called me today. I have an interview next Mon. There is probably a good possiblity that they will offer me the job. The school is on the high risk list which means the test score are low So they are looking for experience teachers and probably don't have many to choose from. It would diffently keep my mind off my problems. I would be too busy to think, which is what I need. <P>H is suppose to call sometime this week. If he doesn't I guess I will email him about my interview. I doubt that it makes any difference. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

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That is GREAT News, SDS! Congrats! I'm sure you'll get it. Yeah, keeping your mind off of this "crap" is key. It's not easy to do tho.<P>As soon as I start doing a little bit better, H does something that takes me right back down. It's almost like he has antenna of when I'm feeling good.<P>Liken it to a mental/emotional torture chamber. <P>These are ppl that loved us and married us to spend the "REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH THEM" and they're doing these kinds of things to us, not to mention our childen.<P>Although I believe each person will ultimately answer to God, I wish I could see Karma in action in this life. Thing is, I'd probably feel sorry for him ...jeeez!<P>You take care ... <P>Jo


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