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#870264 06/06/00 01:46 PM
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popeye Offline OP
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Is this typical behavior? I actually BELIEVED that he WOULD love me forever. Imagine! It seems all he cares about is $$$.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

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The money is probably a surrogate for something else ... anger most likely.<P>

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Popeye,<P>He's hurting and wants you to hurt. He's so angry and the only weapon he has is the "money". He can't hurt you anyway else, so he's resorting to the $$. If he didn't still care about or love you, he wouldn't bother trying to hurt you.<P>As far as him taking care of you the rest of your life, well, he probably meant it when he said it, and I don't know if he'll follow thru, but right now and for a term he is angry and will use anything he can to make you hurt.<P>Remember ... he knows you and your "buttons", he's pushing one right now. <P>Yeah, I know what you're saying, you are trying to take the high road by being fair and making things easy on him, but he's not you, he's not thinking and is being reactionary. Remember, you can't control him. I know he's been a huge diappointment to you, in so many ways. I'm sorry for that because I know you had so many dreams that included this man. At least you've done everything where you feel it's been fair and right, you shouldn't have any regrets when looking back and he will remember it one day, after his pain is gone.<P>Try not to listen to his vendictive talk. It won't make sense until things have calmed down. It's the shock of it being final that he and you are experiencing. <P>Please take care and don't beat yourself up over this. I can only imagine how it hurts. <BR>You've been more than tolerant in a situtation where most would be vengful and try to hurt back. I've admired you thru this whole thing, Popeye.<P>Be strong, and God Bless you.<P>Res (formerly Josey)

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Right before my stbx left he wrote me a letter. Said he would take care of me forever. Then 2 weeks letter he gave me a piece of paper that had what he wanted out of the divorce. One chair, a picture, misc. kitchen items and minimum visitation. Now he wants everything.<P>Yes it hurts terribly to know it is all about money. I, like you, feel our whole marriage was about money and not about love and commitment. It hurts deeply...still does.<P>He can have it all....but I want to retain custody of the girls and I would like at least a little money to fall back on.<P>Now he wants that too. Says he owes me nothing.<P>Well I owe him nothing.....and the more he fights for everything, the more I want to see him get nothing. I know it will never happen....but I feel a person like him deserves nothing but the clothes on his back for what he put all of us through

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Here Here! ... you sd it Mental. Just the clothes on their backs, the ones we carefully picked out and bought for them. <BR>They're JERKS!<P>That felt good!<BR>Jo

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popeye Offline OP
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Wow, you guys are right. I never thought of it that way!

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Maybe I am looking at it from a different perspective but my wife cheated on me. I have to start my life over again and if I can walk away from this with only material possessions then so be it. She will get the kids, half the assets and a monthly check from me. She already has a boyfriend so she doesnt need to start her life over again. <P>Pardon me for being pushed out on the street because of someone elses selfishness. I am going to fight for what I believe is the fair portion of the assets because its all I have left. I have no wife, no house, nowhere to live and very little access to my kids. <P>This may come across to the betraying spouses as justification for what they believed was a happy marriage at one point to be reduced to $$$ but that is the cards we have been dealt. Take a minute and think about it from my perspective.<P>

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but Goober...<BR> read again...these posts are from betrayed spouses, not betrayers...

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Yeah Goob.<P>We're the "Betrayed" not the "Betrayers".<P>Jo

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He was so impressed with the OW because she had some family money and could sit at home on her butt and be a mom. (Meanwhile, that was not an admirable thing for me to do). She didn't need him for his money- or so he thought. He's going to court this week for his child support hearing!<P>He was so impressed with his other OW because she also supposedly had and respected money. Turns out that one is now living with her parents! PWT<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

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<BR>I'm not (yet) divorcing, but I've recently realized that my entire marriage was about money. I thought it was love, and maybe at first it was, but now it's about money - or the lack thereof.<P>She wants niceer clothes, a bigger house. The cars we have are junk to her now that the OM has criticised them. When we got the van, it was a nice thing. Now it's a "toaster on wheels." When we got the sports car, it was fun to drive. Now it's junk. It's gotta be bigger, faster, shinier. She has to have trendy sunglasses at $60 a pop.<P>I agree: it's all about the money.<P>Sorry for the rant/vent.<P>

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I'm sorry popeye.... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Oh yeah, THANKS EVERYBODY FOR REPLIES!!!:) Very much appreciated!:)

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oh, Popeye. (sigh)<P>I can't even begin to respond to his behavior, but it's time to shift into survival mode.<P>When I went through my divorce in 1977 (yes, I know many of you were toddlers then) my X husband had several women friends and decided he no longer wanted to be married. He/we were young-mid-twenties. He also walked out on me. (history repeats itself)<P>Because he wanted to play with his new friends and wanted out, I told him that was fine. If he wanted out, he could have 'out', but that was all he was going to get--OUT.<P>Even though we hadn't been married very long (5 years) I felt that he had to pay a penalty for turning my life upside down. I refused to reliquish the house, furniture, car, bank account and had him file a quit claim deed in exchange for not having to pay me a monthly stipend.<P>It was the smartest thing I could have done. Within three years the value of the house tripled and I sold it for a significant amount of money, far, far more than what the courts originally mandated my X to pay me.<P>I ended up with a healthy amount of money to provide for myself and my son and made some wise investments.<P>Do not walk away with so little. When you have worked side by side with your spouse for all those years and have contirbuted so much to his well-being, make sure that you are getting back what you put into it. Believe me, a couple years down the road and you will regret it if you don't.<P>I don't know what else to say. I am so disappointed in your spouse and I am so sorry things have taken such a strange route.<P>Catnip =^^=

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Since we are on the rant....my stbx found himself a high maintenance woman....nails, hair, tan....fake boobs. She loved him for the money he had and the toys we had. He still has the toys.....but not the money.<P>He got the LHS luxury car, the Mustang Convertible....I got the 92 Voyager....with bald tires and this annoying squeak. The buttons are missing on the radio....and the seats have years of ice cream cones and french fries ground in.<P>He also wants 75% of his 401K.....all of my 4,000. IRA, the house...all the lawn equipment and furniture.<P>Told me to take the van...he will give me 10,000.00 and I need to get the hell out of here.<P>This from a 12 year marriage (on June 11th). I birthed and raised our children. I listened to him snore and watched the spittle stuck between his lips every night. I got to clean the bathroom up after his morning shower.....(shave the floor actually LOL) Wash his crotchy underwear, and do all the cleaning...laundry....mow the yard.....cook his meals....heck I even gave him manicures so his nails looked nice for clients.<P>But that wasn't enough.<P>I wasn't enough.<P>Our family wasn't enough.<P>So if he gets the clothes on his back....he should be happy.....at least he has money for toilet paper.<P>Nancy

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Man ... It's no wonder you're mental, Mental. <P>Yeah, I'm with ya on that one ... I've shaved many a bathroom floor for Pinocchio (his new name for a while).<P>For fun, I think we should start a thread of the things "We Don't Miss" about the WS.<P>I'm in a frisky mood so ... How's about it folks???<P>___________________________________<P>I don't miss<P>... getting sliced in the foot whenever I step on H's cut toenails.<P>... his breathe in the morning, smells like he's licked a dog's butt.<P>... coming home aft being at work all day to find the garage door left open the entire day.<P>... walking on egg shells.<P>

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popeye Offline OP
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I suppose I am ranting to rant. I really don't care about the money. You know what I got from my first divorce? The $11 I had in my pocket when I walked out. The H already cleaned out the bank account, took my name off everything, and left me without a pot to P*** in... and I didn't even care! My freedom was so blissfully valuable that I never looked back.<P><p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

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Ugh. Popeye. You once again humble me with your nobility. Now I feel like a grasping wench. <P>Where do you get your tremendous sense of self? <P>Enviously,<P>Catnip =^^=

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>Now I feel like a grasping wench. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please! I'm told by MANY that I am a fool. Maybe I am the village idiot! Maybe I should be going for the money. It is half mine after all! Maybe I will regret it. I can see why people would feel like they deserve SOMETHING after investing their LIVES in another human being who ends up just taking so much away. It's sad when we end up being just dollars.

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It sounds like you're getting a rotten deal! Rotten mainly because you're having to go through such a horrible ordeal. <P>First I have some questions and then some comments. You said H signed the papers. Don't you both have to sign? Is it a "done deal?" (my total ignorance of divorce proceedings is probably showing here)<P>My main comment is in response to your "getting a pittance paid interest free over a period of years." I know I'm divorce dummy here, but isn't this resolution going to leave this man as part of your life for a long time? Are you going to get stuck with some sort of legal debt obligation if he flakes out and doesn't pay as promised? I hope you're getting a fair shake here!<P>In regard to the material possessions, I can see it from two ways. I agree with catnip (I think! I don't know what a quit claim deed is, but it sounds like a smart thing she did.) Bottom line, selling yourself short is a BAD thing. Add up the salaries of a cook, chauffeur, maid, whatever else and multiply it by the hours you put in. That's a lot of benefits your H received! All that stuff counts!<P>On the other hand, all those material posessions might be nice, but they're also extra baggage. I've had times in my life where I struck out in a new direction. It meant leaving behind material things that I worked hard to obtain, things that meant a lot to me. Holding onto things can also hold you down. If holding onto something is associated with negative feelings, whatever you're holding onto is unnecessary baggage. Leaving that baggage behind will lighten your load, and soon you'll have a spring in your step that wouldn't be there otherwise. Besides, don't the attorneys end up with more and more of the assets each time the divorcing couple argues over a settlement? <P>Popeye, I have faith in you. I know that once your grieve for your lost marriage that you will have a wonderful new and better life.<P>

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popeye Offline OP
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lonesome heart:<BR><B>You said H signed the papers. Don't you both have to sign? Is it a "done deal?" (Isn't this resolution going to leave this man as part of your life for a long time? Are you going to get stuck with some sort of legal debt obligation if he flakes out and doesn't pay as promised? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I initiated the complaint, so he just needs to acknowledge it. Basically, I already signed. As for the property division, we both have to sign off on that. We divided everything when we were still friendly months ago, but he just got around to signing it about a month ago. I think it was a delay tactic. Nothing could go forward as an uncontested divorce until that was done. So, no it's not a done deal. He and I both thought that would do it, but there is one more step to go through and then it will be final. Not sure how long that will take- up to 3 months depending on the court calendar.<P>As to your words about stuff = baggage, I have been down that road a lot. Having any kind of stuff means responsibility. I have never been a slave to stuff and don't want to be now. For example, just having a house means you have to clean it, mow the lawn, maintain the gardens, and all that. Having a boat means you have to take care of it. Having investments means you have to monitor them and make sure they are still producing for you. All that is very practical and can provide for your future, but I want to LIVE my life not spend it taking care of stuff. I know I am probably in the minority and people tend to like the comfort they get from their achievements/stuff. I am not knocking it!<P>Thanks for your support. Despite all the current turmoil, I DO have a wonderful life and can see all my blessings amid the rubbish.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 11, 2000).]

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