There seems to be a trend that people who are unhappy with their relationships and embark on either an EA or a PA came from a household where they were not able to witness a healthy marriage growing up. In my experience, my father died suddenly when I was 3yo and I don't think I ever got over the sense of abandonment I felt. I am in counseling now and dealing with it.<P>I was wondering how accurate my observation is. <P>What kind of relationship did your parents have? Was it a healthy, loving one? Did you lose a parent at a young age?<P><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited June 14, 2000).]

I came from a family with loving parents that were involved in my life and my siblings life. Did a lot of family vacations etc..We had good role models while growing up. My husband, who is also a betrayer came from a large family. Also very loving and great role models.

I think that you could be right, Truthseeker. My parents divorced when I was very young (I don't remember them ever being married) and both remarried shortly after. So, I've had 4 parents growing up, but only saw my Dad during the summers because we lived so far away. My Dad has never been a very talkative person, though I know how very much he loves me. I think that has made a big impact on my whole life. When I was in counseling, that was a subject we discussed trying to figure out the source of my needs. The OP in my affair was MUCH older than me. So, was it possible I was looking for a "father figure" in a twisted sort of way? I think so, and it helped to discuss the past w/my counselor. It's strange how things can carry w/you so long!<BR>

My H (the Betrayer) was brought up in a pretty loving environment. According to him, his mom and dad were happily married and got along flawlessly, never a harsh word, never an argument, never a disagreement, never unhappyness or confict of any kind. But according to his sisters (all 3) his father was a womanizer, in every sense of the word. And in addition to that, I've had conversations w/his mother, and she has confirmed the fact that his father was a big flirt, as she put it, throughout their marriage. <P>So I don't know if my H is trying to block out those memories, or if he is simply lying to himself and me about their relationship.<P>Although I'd have to say, I don't believe there is a relationship out there that would be consider flawless. <P>------------------<BR>Jo<P>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>got along flawlessly, never a harsh word, never an argument, never a disagreement, never unhappyness or confict of any kind. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That doesn't necessarily translate into a healthy relationship. My marriage could have been described that way until 2 years ago because of conflict avoidance, not because we were so happy or engaged in a fantastically healthy relationship. I think a healthy relationship is one in which conflict does occur but it is dealt with in a respectful manner.<P>Just curious, is your H a conflict avoider?<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited June 14, 2000).]

My parents had, have a very loving, faithful, family oriented marriage.<P>Their roles are extremely stereotyped, like leave it to beaver stuff.<P>My unplanned pregnacy, abusive marriage, and affair were extremely painful to me because I was not raised this way at all. It was a great shame to me and my parents. I guess I had to sink to rock bottom first before I could recreate the loving family I was raised in inside my marriage.<P>Now I have a leave it to beaver marriage too. I always had a rebellous streak growing up, but I always respected and admired my parents too. What a sick way to resolve the issue!?!

TruthSeeker,<P>Hey Girl! <P>I will agree w/you.........just bc the marriage on the "outside" looks good doesn't mean that it is.<P>Everybody was in shock that we are where we are at..........we have been know as the "Power Couple".....that would live in weded bliss.<P>I will say that my Parents Marriage is wonderful.....they are truly eachothers best friends,companions,lovers and so on!...(I only hope that I too can have that kind of marriage.)<P>My H Parents on the other had is the picture of disfuntional! His father had an affair w/his moms best friend/neighbor.Got a divorce married her and than after 13or so years had problems seperated/divorced and started another relationship.His mother never remarried and is still to this day a very bitter old woman!(I do love them both dearly)<P><BR>I do believe that upbringing and the SP parents marriage plays a very very important role in how they behave in there own marriages.<P>Hey TS,I hope things are getting better......thinking of ya! <P>Take it easy.....Hang in there!<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Since my H is the one who had an EA, I'll answer for him...<BR>His dad had an affair for years while he was still living at home part-time (he claimed to spend most of week in neighboring town where he worked bcs of the commute-45 minutes or so). His mom ignored it and pretended it was normal to have a H who lived somewhere else 5 days a week. This went on for something like a dozen years, till youngest child was in college (by then we were married and expecting first child). Then his dad divorced his mom, married OW. That marriage ended in divorce when he got re-involved with another woman he'd known years ago. His second wife subsequently killed herself.<P>So, my H never saw anything like a marriage where people worked thru problems, or communicated effectively.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TruthSeeker:<BR><B> Just curious, is your H a conflict avoider?<P>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited June 14, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes TS, my H is the King of all conflict and confrontation avoiders. Counselors have told us his chronic lying is a result of his inability to deal with any type of conflict in any relationships, business, personal or public.<P>Then he blames the people that he had avoided the conflict with for causing him to lie.<P>Pretty twisted, isn't it?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Jo<P>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

My parents had a very unhappy marriage. My mom was the giver, my dad the taker. My dad cheated numerous times on my mom...he never paid much attention to me or my sisters either. He was never there. Needless to say, their marriage ended in divorce.<BR>I am now in counseling. The reason? I am a repeat offender in the terrible art of cheating...is has taken many years to get to the point I am at now, and it is a good feeling to finally be able to recognize why I seek affairs. I am finally feeling free. <BR>My parents marriage...or lack of...strongly influenced my way of looking at relationships. Divorce is bad...going about it in the wrong way is even worse. It can really mess a child up for many years if it is not handled correctly. Parents, please pay lots of attention to your children...talk to them, show them you care, let them know you LOVE them. <P>naomi<BR>

Truthseeker,<P>My H is the betrayer so I will answer for him. His family is extremly dysfunctional. His parents were divorced when he was a teenager. From what I have gathered from a number of family members, his parents did a lot of partying when he was young. It sounds like there was a lot of "sharing" of partners at those parties as well. I have spoken with both of my inlaws and each of them truly believes the other was cheating. My FIL as since remarried (he was involved in another relationship and ended up marrying the OW). My MIL has never remarried but continually finds herself hooking up with some loser or another. My H is truly embarrassed about both of them and their pasts. H is a conflict avoider like everyone in his family. Rather than address the problem they like to turn their backs and hope it will go away.<P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

My parents marriage is a happy one (not that they haven't had problems, but they are in a committed marriage and they love each other). I would never have considered an A trying to model my parents' marriage. When I found out about the A, I was even trying to come to terms with the fact that I would have to be happy without children because H doesn't want them, and divorce was not an option. <P>My H's dad cheated with several women before asking for a divorce when H was 3. His mother remarried when he was 13. His dad is now on his 3rd marriage. I don't think my H wants to be like him, but I am worried that he is falling into the trap of trying so hard not to be like his dad that he is becoming his dad, if that makes any sense. Kind of like if you think about it, it will happen.<P>Anyway, it's all up to H to decide now. He can get a divorce and be like his dad, or he can stay with me and not follow in his father's footsteps. I suspect right now it is a difficult choice. He's doing well now. At least he feels like he is supposed to try and work at the marriage. Perhaps one day we can make great strides and he can feel like he wants to work at the marriage.

Good question!<BR>Both of my parents had affairs. My father ended up marrying OW. My mom married three times. But ended up single again after third time. So I never experienced a healthy family environment. We were very dysfunctional in so many ways. <BR>