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#872491 02/10/00 09:58 AM
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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day, the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. <P>Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"<BR>Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"<P>So, they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No<BR>hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then, the phone rings....it's Jim. <P>Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"<BR>Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"<BR>Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"<BR>Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."<BR>Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing....."<BR>"What's that?" asked Bud.<BR>"Have you farted yet, Bud?"<BR>"No...."<BR>"Well DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!<BR>

#872492 06/11/00 02:41 AM
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Why do doctors spank newborn babies?<P>To knock the weenies off the SMART ones!

#872493 06/21/00 12:05 AM
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<B>(HOPE NOBODY GETS OFFENDED)</B><P>The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.<P>On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".<P>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.<P>"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."<P>"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.<P>"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."<P>"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.<P>"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."<P>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."<P>"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."<P>"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.<P>"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."<P>"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.<P>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."<P>"Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.<P>"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."<P>The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.<P>"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.<P>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."<P>"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.<P>"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."<P>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, Eh. . . equipment?"<P>"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."<P>"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.<P>"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Cannon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.<P>Madam ? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted !!"<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited June 21, 2000).]

#872494 06/21/00 08:06 AM
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Well Goobers always in for a good joke<P>Al and Jim are bungie jumping off a bridge in Mexico for the first time. A crowd, who have never seen bungie jumpers before gathers below.<P>Al gets suited up and makes a beautiful jump. He bounces back up and gets back on the bridge. Much to Jims surprise Als face is covered in blood. <P>Jim: " Hey what happened was the rope too long?, <BR>Al: No, the rope was fine but whats a piniata?

#872495 06/21/00 04:55 PM
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TWO NEW ELEMENTS<P>Two new additions to the Periodic Table of Elements:<P>Element Name: WOMANIUM<BR>Symbol: WO<P>Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)<P>Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing. And may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.<P>Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb reat amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.<P>Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.<P>Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!<P>Element Name: MANIUM<BR>Symbol: XY<P>Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)<P>Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as younger samples.<P>Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive<BR>when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.<P>Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.<P>Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

#872496 06/21/00 10:17 PM
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> Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was<BR>> empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in<BR>> his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"<BR>> Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.<BR>> "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped<BR>> dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a<BR>> dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He<BR>> asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes",<BR>> said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked<BR>> the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a<BR>> dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you<BR>> Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller<BR>> Jesus." ___________________________________________<BR>

#872497 06/21/00 10:20 PM
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> A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated<BR>>> > > their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared<BR>>> > > and said that because they had been such a loving couple all<BR>>> > > those years, she would give them one wish each.<BR>>> > ><BR>>> > > The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved<BR>>> > > her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.<BR>>> > ><BR>>> > > Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then<BR>>> > > said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger<BR>>> > > than me."<BR>>> > ><BR>>> > > The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!<BR>>> > <BR>>> <BR>><BR>><BR>

#872498 06/22/00 01:43 PM
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Corny Joke:<P>A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his back.<P>Police suspect a cereal killer. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>JoJo

#872499 06/23/00 03:39 PM
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OK, how about this one...<P>A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up <BR>leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around <BR>her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy <BR>bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, <BR>medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top <BR>shelf along the wall.<P>The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of <BR>teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to <BR>mention this to her. He turns to her...<P>They kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After <BR>an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the <BR>afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The <BR>woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."<BR>

#872500 06/23/00 04:08 PM
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Back to the TOP!<P>Oh Gawd, don't start with the Blonde jokes!<P>BLONDE'S REVENGE:<P><BR>********* REDHEADS *********<P>How do you get a redhead to argue with you?<BR>Say something<P>How do you get a redhead's mood to change?<BR>Wait 10 seconds<P>If you love a Redhead, set her free ... if she follows you everywhere you go, she pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.<P>What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?<BR>The piranha. They only attack in schools.<P>What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?<BR>Normal.<P>Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.<P><BR>********* BRUNETTES *********<P>What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?<BR>A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.<P>What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?<BR>Brown-bagging it.<P>What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?<BR>No one else wants it.<P>What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?<BR>Invisible.<P>Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?<BR>The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.<P>Why is the brunette considered an evil color?<BR>When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?<P>What do brunettes miss most about a great party?<BR>The invitation.<P>What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?<BR>A hostage. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] (Ouch! That one hurt)<P>Who makes bras for brunettes?<BR>Fisher-Price.<P>Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?<BR>It matches their mustache.

#872501 06/23/00 04:12 PM
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Remote control revenge:<BR>Link for the hot new item every woman MUST HAVE...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.pages2send.com/girlsdream.htm" TARGET=_blank>www.pages2send.com/girlsdream.htm</A> <P>

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