On 4th Jan 2000 H told me he had been having an affair for 7 months - thought he loved the girl. I put him out and he went to his parents. We have been together 18 years married for 14 and have 3 children.<P>Next day he phoned in tears wanting to come home. I said we had issues to work out and that it would take some time.<P>We started counselling in Feb and everything seemed to be going okay. He was staying more and more and we were getting closer and closer.<P>In April I went to my sister's for a few days with the kids. He phoned 4 times every day as he has always done. He told me he wanted to come home and I was ready to do this. On Sat I came back home on a high but he seemed really distant. Sunday lunch time he said he could not live his life wondering what if and he wanted a divorce.<P>He has been away for 9 weeks now and is living in a flat with OW. She is a foreign student who needs a visa to stay in this country. He wants a quick divorce and says that he will resent me if she cannot stay in country.<P>Someone help please I am really confused. I love him unconditionally and do not want a divorce but will he end up hating me. He seems so sure of his needs and wants.<P>Any advice would be most welcome.

Welcome <B>annie h</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It sounds like you went right into what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>I can see you're hurting...<BR>and since you still have a substantial amount of love for your H... you may consider moving into a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> (a long distance <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>) for at least a while.<P>Maybe some <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Read my posts... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>If you don't want the divorce...<BR>...don't go for it... stop it... stall it!<P>Don't go for the idea that ..."if the divorce will make him happy...then I might as well"...<BR>He will eventually hate the divorce and most likely resent you for giving it to him so quickly.<P>Might the "fog" he is in persist?...<BR>Might he also resent the fact that you are not allowing him to marry OW so she can stay here?...<BR>Yes... Yes... and Yes...<BR>But he is in an addiction now and his thought processes are shot...<BR>(much like my W's thought processes)<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim<P><BR> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by annie h:<BR><B>He has been away for 9 weeks now and is living in a flat with OW. She is a foreign student who needs a visa to stay in this country. He wants a quick divorce and says that he will resent me if she cannot stay in country.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Could it be that OW is using your H to get a visa?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Scandinavian<BR>scandinavian@my-deja.com

Annie, don't go for divorce as long as you feel there's any hope left for the two of you. <BR>I get the feeling your H has fallen into a ego trap where he is constantly boosted by the young and carefree lifestyle of a student. Add to that the fact that she is foreign with no strings attached, and you get an extreme temptation.<BR>You don't mention his age or hers but I take it there is quite a difference.<BR>She may well be using him to stay in S and therefore have her charm taps fully open.<BR>Annie, my advice is to stay calm, do NOT go for divorce, follow plan A, do not LB, give him lots of love but don't crowd him all the time. In a while his eyes will open and he'll see trough the fog. But remember until that happens, you'll have to be the strong one.<P>All the best<BR>Van

Annie:<P>I'm so sorry for your pain. Hang on--it's a rough ride but you will come out okay.<P>If you want to work on your marriage don't aid in getting a divorce. Your H may not like to hear that now, so be prepared for him to say some nasty things that are out of character. They will hurt. But it doesn't mean that stalling this divorce is wrong.<P>Read everything on this site that you can, and then go get some books and see if you can't read a little more. It's not a quick fix, but it will be worth it. <P>Your H is in the midst of a wonderful fantasy right now. You cannot match the fantasy--but you are more than a match for the REALITY. The problem is waiting for your H to come back to reality. He will say and do anything to stay in the fantasy. <P>Hold fast and hug your children, who are undoubtedly feeling very sad right now as well. They need to know that you love them.<P>I'm sorry for your hurt. Please post again and let us know how you are.<P>Hugs to you. --HBC<P>

Thanks for the replies. I just felt better knowing that someone out there was listening. Family has been great but at the end of the day admit that they can only imagine what I am going through.<P>My children are 11yrs, 9yrs and 5yrs. They are wonderful and have been a constant source of amazement to me. My 11 year old girld will not even speak to her dad but the other two have seen him 3 times.<P>I have marked my calendar today that this is the begining of my new life. I am not sure what it will have in store. I know that it is going to be difficult. I have sold my house and am moving nearer family for childcare issues. I also hope to go back to uni.<P>At the moment the biggest thing I am struggling with is the fact that he seems so happy in his new life. He does not seem to miss me at all. This I find hard but will try not to let it get to me.<P>I am trying to get hold of books to help me and am constantly looking up this site.<P>Thanks for listening to me.<P>Annie H

Thanks for the replies. It feels really good to know that someone is listening to me..My family have been great but at the end of the day they admit that they cannot imagine how I feel.<P>My 3 kids are 11yrs, 9yrs & 5yrs. They have all been wonderful and are a constant source of amazement to me. My 11 year old daughter worries me a bit in that she will not even talk to her dad. The other two have seen him 3 times in 9 weeks. I feel that he needs to see them more and am trying to sort this out.<P>I will try to get hold of some books and am reading as much as I can on this site.<P>I think the thing I find hardest is H was my best friend and all of a sudden he is just not there. He sounds so happy when we talk on the phone and he does not seem to miss me at all. I find this very hard to handle and struggle to hold it together.<P>Thanks for you support.<P>Annie H

I started to day really positive but am beginning to feel down now. The kids have just gone to bed and here I am missing him. He now phones to speak to the children but does not seem to want to speak to me. I find that hard.<P>I am really confused at the moment. Can the fog really make him seem like a stranger to me. <P>I know it is early days and I will have to be strong and patient (unfortunately this has never been my strong point). I wrote hime a very friendly email today and did not mention the situation at all.<P>I seem to take 1 step forwards and about 4 back at the moment. Is this normal?<P>I am still trying to devour as much info as possible.<P>Thanks for listening<P>Annie

Hi Annie,<P>Did he confess on his own? I think that is a big positive.<P>I don't want to make you feel worse, but I think it's important to point out that "putting him out" makes recovery more difficult. If he flip-flops again and wants to come home, welcome him!<P>Had he broken contact, you think, while you were in counselling? My h went through a very difficult withdrawal from his OW. I was there to help him through it. There are some good people here at MB that are the betrayer and having a hard time breaking that connection.<P>Anyway, if he told you on his own to begin with, he was probably serious about breaking it off, but may need your help and support.<P>I was very fortunate to know these principles right before I found out so he cut contact with OW and we started intensely working through this at home. <P>Please read Surviving an Affair. It will make all this much more clear. Now, while he is confused again, you can do your best Plan A.<P>Try to meet his emotional needs as he lets you, don't bring this up, do fun things with him if he wants to.<P>Tell him as sweetly as you can that you are not prepared to give him a divorce, there must be some other way she can extend her visa, etc.<P>

Hi,<P>Unfortunately I understand how you are feeling. H & I are back for sometime now but I sure remember the pain. Your H is in a fantasy and that can only last so long. She cannot replace the history the two of you shared, so although he may not seem to miss you - I believe he definately will. What helped me was writing in a journal. I had so much anxiety I couldnt sit still, watch tv, read. So I constantly wrote in a notebook. It really helps get the feelings out. It especially helps since you havent had much contact w/him. You can ramble all you want in a letter to him that will never be sent. Hang in there, time really does help..<BR> Magoskid

Hi again, <P>I just had to say its great that you are reading alot, gathering info. I did that too, I was on this site constantly. You know what, it helped ALOT! At one point I realized that even if we didnt get back together I am going to be one "together" woman. I really think it helped me build confidence. I think you can really learn alot from this horrible experience and DEFINATELY come out a stronger, more confident woman. Tough times can make or break you right? Its still early in this so give yourself time. I am not a patient person myself so that was one of the hardest things for me. Still working on it..........Hang in there, Magoskid

Annie:<P>I am going thru the same thing as you. My h has been living with OW for 5 months now and he too seems real happy. We were together 20 years and very happy. <P>I don't know who he is today. He is a changes man and everyone sees it but himself. <P>He is so cruel to me lately too. <P>Don't want to bring you down but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this at all. <P>The pain is so horrible and intense. But, if it doesn't work out, it just means God has better things in store for us because we do not deserve this.<P>I'll be praying for you...

You picked the right place!<P>We're here, in varying stages of this mess, and we'll listen and help you the best we can.<P>Good start, reading and understanding. And yes, this sorta thing CAN turn him into a complete alien, but that alien has a very good chance of disappearing one day!!! Robert's did!! And we're doing great!<P>Focus on Plan A - mostly for you. Keep reading, keep learning, keep trying to understand what you and you h are going through. That helps more than anything.<P>Robert and I are happy now, but I DO remember. Just know that you will get through this and it will get easier....you can make that happen.<P>Robert asked for a divorce right away. I'm SO very glad I didn't proceed. We've been given a wonderful life now and that might not have happened if I had.<P>Just hang on...this ride is rough, but you can take it.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

I am not having a good day. Children are playing up a bit and they sense a weakness in me. <P>I am trying to get hold of some books but am not having much success. I am in the uk and most of the books I have requested will take up to 6 weeks to arrive. I really don't think I can wait that long. I feel a bit like a sponge wanting to soak up as much info as possible. <P>Can anyone suggest other material that may help?

Annie h,<P>These books are on the shelves in the bookstores here in the US. Have you tried the bookstores over there? Ordering online may not be the quickest way.<P>If you are hungry to read, there is also so much material right here in the forum and Harley's articles on the site.<P>Lostva is one whose marriage has completely turned around, I'm another. You could search on anyone's name and read more of what they've written by clicking on the search on the page with all the thread titles.<P>How old are the children?<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Annie h}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Thanks Cindy.<P>I will have a trip into town very soon.<P>My kids are girl 11yrs, girl 9 yrs and boy 5yrs. The youngest two have seen H the oldest will not even speak to him. I have tried everything and have decided that she may just need some time. She had really only just accepted him back from the first time he told us and then he did this so there is an awful lot of anger and hurt. I am trying to be there but as you all know it can be exhausting sometimes. They are wonderful children and have been a constant source of strength to me but there are some days that I could just run away. I know this will pass but it does not make things easy.<P>Thanks for the advice<P>Annie