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Thought it might be helpful to turn our minds to something good: what I like most about my spouse. I'll start:<P>1) gentle<P>2) doesn't raise his voice, never uses harsh/bad language<P>3) has nice coloring (eyes, skin, hair)<P>4) is not demanding or pushy<P>5) likes to hike, various sports, recreational interests are same as mine<P>

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Great idea, Sifted!<P>1) He's a lot of fun to be with.<P>2) We tease and joke around a lot.<P>3) He has become more dependable and agreeable to help out.<P>4) He's very loving.<P>5) He tells me I'm beautiful (almost everyday) even when I'm not!<P>6) He's a great Dad!<P>7) He's ambitious.<P>8) He cares about others, not just himself.<P>9) He shares his feelings more w/me.<P>10) He puts up w/me!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hmmm, isn't it interesting that we are often thinking of the same things on this board.<P>The most endearing quality of my spouse is her ability to bring out the passion in people. Very few have a neutral opinion of her. They either adore her or don't like her at all.<P>I don't know that I wil feel the passion towards another that I have felt towards her.<P>Then again, with my feelings over the past 6 months, that may not be a bad thing.

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OK. I'll play. I have to start looking at the positive things. Maybe this will help.<P>1) He does the laundry<BR>2) He's been a very good stepfather to my son<BR>3) He supports me in things I do<BR>4) He's not a control freak.<BR>5) He doesn't drink or use drugs or gamble<BR>6) He participates in church activities with me <BR>7) He's trying very hard to do all the things I need him to do. (lose weight, communicate more, etc)<P>

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Truthseeker,<P>Glad to see you join in. I see you making an honest effort in trying to understand your relationship. I admire that.<P>Funny, some of the things you mentioned are more things I could mention about my husband:<P>not a control freak, doesn't drink, gamble or use drugs (I'll also add - doesn't do pornography), participates in church activities with me and trying hard to do all the things I need him to do (communicate more, be more supportive, initiate more). <P>Maybe we have similar husbands?!<P>Do you know what type (sorry to get on that subject again!) your husband is? Mine is ISFP. I am INFJ.

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Yes...wonderful idea, Sifted! <BR>My husband and I were just talking about all the things we have to be grateful for in our lives...this just adds to that!<P>1) very easygoing<BR>2) Even though he doesn't drink coffee, <BR>he will make it for me.<BR>3) helps me keep the house picked up.<BR>4) very organized<BR>5) a gifted leader/teacher<BR>6) athletic<BR>7) incredibly patient<BR>8) like Momma said, "he puts up with me!"<BR>9) best of all, he actually likes to take me shopping and pick out clothes, which I don't like to do.... what a gem, huh?<BR>10) he runs and works out with me<BR>11) excellent cook!<P>Sifted...I had a feeling you were an INFJ....so am I. My H's an ESTJ. <p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 21, 2000).]

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Sifted,<P>He's an ISFJ. I'm an INFP.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TruthSeeker:<BR><B>Sifted,<P>He's an ISFJ. I'm an INFP.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Okay, girls! I don't know what these initials stand for. Maybe someone can explain? <P>BTW, I'm feeling pretty darn good today! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I'm actually going to make myself get some work done today, instead of being here all day! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Talk to you all later.<P><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 21, 2000).]

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There were several threads about personality types in the Emotional Needs form.<P>The letters are from the quiz on this site:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.personalitytype.com/</A> <P>Glad you're feeling better!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I'm actually going to make myself get some work done today, instead of being here all day! <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know EXACTLY what you mean!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited June 21, 2000).]

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Maybe despite my rambling of the last few days, I am falling in love again, 'cause I'm thinking of more passionate things. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] We used to sing a rhyme at a girls' camp where I was a counsellor:<P>Give me a man<BR>Who is tall, dark and tan<BR>And he looks like an Esquire ad.<P>Give him physique<BR>And a latin technique<BR>And a smile that will drive women mad.<P>Give him some charm<BR>That will do him no harm<BR>And a come hither look in his eye,<P>When he comes my way, I'll do my best to make him sta-a-ay. Camp Crestridge for girls!<P>That describes my h perfectly.<P>He is charming and sexy, bright and passionate. He too has a personality that people will either love him or hate him.<P>And most of all, he's teachable. He's learning to be affectionate, open, a great Dad and my best friend. <p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]

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Wow, ladies, how encouraging to read all these great things. As a friend recently said (who has struggles too): we're all individually fine people, so why are we having this tough time? I guess it is the living together, compromises, our sin nature...<P>Wings, so you don't like to shop for clothes? Neither do I (my husband doesn't either, so we are the same in that). We'd both much rather be outdoors doing something active. So, I'm thankful for that. <P>Actually, when I look back on pictures from our dating years they are all about us doing something recreationally. We are both very athletic. So I have pictures of us skiing, running, biking, hiking, tennis, backpacking... It is our area of least conflict. I guess I kind of took it for granted until I recently talked to a someone who is so frustrated because she and her husband can't find anything similar they would like to do. She likes to shop, he wants to golf, etc. I never thought about that as a big problem, because we don't struggle with that. Just goes to show we often can fall into focusing on what isn't working and take the other stuff for granted.<P>By the way, my sister is an INFJ and her husband is an ESTJ - same combo you have, Wings. They have a very good marriage and strong family life. A little more "J" in my husband would make my life a little less "irritating", but sometimes those "irritations" are just what we need to to build character and soften (or stretch) us, whichever the case. I have always said, my purpose in my husband's life is to encourage him beyond what he would ever reach for and give him a vision for what he can become, his in my life is to "constantly throw a wrench into my carefully constructed plans" to cause me to be more flexible and "soften" some of the hard edges. I can get so determined! <P>Truthseeker, you have a similar combo to my husband and I (except "J" and "P" are reversed). I have a very good friend who is the same as you and I admire her enthusiasm for life. I can see why we are struggling, but there are good things too and it is good to set our minds on those things. Maybe it is our (and all NFs) lot in life to always be a little discontent, always reaching for more, looking at the vision, what "could be". Good sometimes to think about "what is". Keep me updated on your quest! I understand.<P>Momma - glad you are having a "darn good day"! You guys are keeping me going! I'm on day 5 of no contact (this time around). I think it will get tougher as the next few weeks go by. I'll remember how you remained faithful yesterday!

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Sifted,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>So I have pictures of us skiing, running, biking, hiking, tennis, backpacking... It is our area of least conflict. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I envy you for that. That's the sort of thing that is so missing for me. I like doing those things. My H likes watching them on TV.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Maybe it is our (and all NFs) lot in life to always be a little discontent, always reaching for more, looking at the vision, what "could be". <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it's healthy to always remain at least a little discontent. If we were always content, how would we grow? Contentedness leads to stagnation. I don't ever want to be content enough to stagnate. I think maybe that's what I'm fighting about my marriage. I'm afraid of being content to the point of stagnation.<P>Of course, being discontented all the time isn't good either, always thinking that "what is" isn't good enough and always searching for the something better that doesn't exist.<BR>

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Truthseeker,<P>I am totally comfortable with being a "little discontent". I don't see that as negative at all. It is interesting, always stretching and growing, reaching for more, having a vision. It makes life very interesting! I am very satisfied with my personality type. I mainly mentioned it because it helps us get perspective on why we can tend to feel disatisfied at times. When I realize that I am feeling that way because I am vision-oriented, I can accept the way I feel more easily, rather than get down feeling like my life is just in a big rut.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 21, 2000).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by siftedlikewheat:<BR><B>I have always said, my purpose in my husband's life is to encourage him beyond what he would ever reach for and give him a vision for what he can become, his in my life is to "constantly throw a wrench into my carefully constructed plans" to cause me to be more flexible and "soften" some of the hard edges</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey sifted, ya skipped me! BTW, I replied back on hi Wings.<P>We do think alike! My h is like you, has helped me to stre-e-e-tch. I don't only throw wrenches, I often am the dose of reality when he gets carried away.<P>TS, you are so right about avoiding stagnation! However, sometimes the rest of us would like some peace and calm. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] There is certainly never a dull moment around here...<P>You know, I don't think it's a coincidence that so many betrayers share personality types. I don't think it means I was more content with the relationship. Far from it. It doesn't make me a better person, just less likely to look "outside" for the solution.<P>I was married to an insensitive guy who was not meeting my needs, too busy loving his work and travel, and on top of it he went "outside" the marriage looking for fulfillment. It was the ultimate slap given the sacrifices I've made so he could pursue his career. But we have both grown tremendously as we've internalized Harley's principles.<P><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]

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Sorry Schizzo! I replied to you on the other thread also. <P>Interesting what you say about the peace and calm (sounds just like my husband) - "Oh, no, another idea of yours! I'm happy the way things are, why are you always thinking of the next thing!". Which to me is like throwing a wet blanket on all my "exciting and stimulating ideas!" But I guess us visionaries need you guys to keep us grounded once in a while. Actually the "J" in me keeps me pretty grounded because I am very organized, prepared, like closure and plans. So, that keeps me a little closer to the ground then some of my other NF friends!<P>Thanks for your thoughts which put little "bees in my bonnet".<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 21, 2000).]

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Hi All...<P>Sifted...way to go...Five days, no contact! <BR>I'm on day four! I'm feeling much stronger having read through some of the postings here lately. <P><BR>Schizzo...<BR>In no way have you been "rambling" here lately. You have helped me so much, I can't begin to tell you. Your understanding of the situation as well as your insight into what you and your H have been through has helped me see this from a completely different vantage point. My H doesn't communicate with me about the reality of where I've been. He doesn't want to. Perhaps as Sifted said, it's because I have the controls right where I want them. I realize I have to let go of those controls. <P>Momma...so glad you made it through yesterday. I hope you get a lot of work done...and do take that personality test, it's a fun bit of information to understand how we and our mates relate from a personality standpoint...Good day, Lady!<P>

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Hey, gals! I know I'm supposed to be working! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I worked very hard this morning, so I'm giving myself a little break! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I'm glad you guys are feeling stronger right now, I'm not feeling quite as strong as I have been. It's funny when I think I'm doing so well, then I'm actually not! <P>Just wanted you to know that you guys are the ones keeping me going these last couple of days. (My H and I are kinda gripy at each other!) Thanks for your support through my "crazy" time. I'm still struggling a bit wanting to contact XOM, but the more I read and respond here, the less I think about him. I'm so proud of you Sifted and Wings for your days of no contact! It's a wonderful start, though it may get harder. I want to continue my no contact, so I can inspire, you, too. Then on those days you guys are feeling weak, I can support you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I've gone so long w/out contacting that I can't ruin it now! Right? Right!! <P>Thanks, gals! You all hold a special place in my heart! I'm so glad I have some new friends!!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 22, 2000).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wings:<BR><B>Schizzo...<BR>In no way have you been "rambling" here lately. You have helped me so much, I can't begin to tell you. Your understanding of the situation as well as your insight into what you and your H have been through has helped me see this from a completely different vantage point</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wings, thank-you so much. I never know if anything I say is helping. I see a light at the end of the tunnel as my h and I reconnect (no, it's not an uncoming train) and I come here hoping to lend a hand to others who may not see it yet.<P>By "rambling" I was referring specifically to my joining in on the thread wondering if I'll ever have the connection. The desire has been there for a very long time, while the glimpses I've had of its fulfillment are very recent. I almost don't let myself believe we could really have this wonderful in-loveness.<P>Especially with him gone all week, it's easy for me to start wondering again if it can work.<P>Sifted,<BR>I couldn't open the link to the personality test - may be my crappy modem, now running on 9600 bpms. But that's my h, always pushing the envelope and organized. He still needs grounding sometimes, performs total flip-flops. I posted happily to Lostva about how HE came to ME and convinced me that he realized it was time to quit his job (heavy travel, stress, etc.) and he thought of the perfect business. He really sold me on it. He had an answer for every objection and we talked for hours.<P>Next day he tells me sheepishly things were looking good at work, wasn't such a good idea after all. But I've gotten used to this. Don't panic anymore or even try to talk him out of it. It's tough feeling stable, though, and I'm a mom with 2 little kids. Do you do stuff like that??<P>

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I took the quiz. I'm ISFJ, I waiver between the Sensor and Intuitive. My H is ESTP, see how different we are?! But we can compliment each other, too. That quiz is interesting.

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Schizzo,<P>In answer to your question about whether I have big ideas like your husband (quitting his job, then the next day realizing it isn't such a good idea): I have a lot of ideas, but not always on such a grand scale. I am pretty disciplined so I don't tend to have a big idea and then change the next day, but I do sometimes get excited about things, tell my husband and then later drop it. That is partly because the telling is a way to share ideas, but not all of them can be realized. I have learned to have balance in my life and to say "no" to some things, based on my priorities (otherwise I get spread way too thin). I have many interests, but realize I cannot realistically pursue them all - and I have learned to live with that. <P>Since I am the wife in the family I often have tried to defer to my husband, believing that I was honoring him and respecting him. For me that has meant giving up a lot of dreams, at great sacrifice. In my marriage I feel I have died a thousand deaths and it is like whole parts of me have died. I have built up resentment towards him because of this. Usually my husband has no idea what giving up a dream has cost me, since he doesn't feel as passionately about it as I do. He is just relieved it is gone. That does hurt me and he is just now realizing how pursuing some of those dreams are very important for me. ("way to love an INFJ is to encourage them in their dreams".) When he recently realized this for the first time (instead of just always trying to squelch everything) he felt badly and asked if I had any dreams left. I said I would try to find some more! I am trying to understand how it feels for him and what makes him feel so reluctant. It is all about understanding each other.

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