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Homer,<P>My prayers are with you. You can now see the change that is going to happen in this mess. you are also getting back with God. He will help so much. <P>Your right! I only wish my H would get on here. I wish he wanted to hold it together as bad as I did. <P>I know God will take care of it though. <P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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Way to go Homer:<P>You did great this morning. You did just what you needed to do to send her off with a little more to think about then the OM. This is the way to fight him and his influence. Remember he's had a few months head start on you in having her passions turned toward him. Now it's your chance and you're off to a good start. <P>Just don't become discouraged when there are backsets as there will be. This is the lesson we all must learn or we retreat into major LBing and have to start over again. <BR>Come here and vent if you need to, but present a strong confident loving face to her. <P>Every day at some time a feeling of sadness will wash over me and I use to just become lost in it, letting it take over until I just made myself miserable. Now I know that I can come here and vent if I need too, or post, or just lurk, and I know I will eventually feel better. So I keep that in mind and it helps. You can get so wrapped up in the misery that it will pull you down like quicksand.<P>It wonderful you are reaching out to God again. It might be helpful to think about your wife wandering in her own desert right now and this being God's way of teaching her.<BR>All things happen for a reason. I don't think you necessarily need to assume all the responsibility for what has happened...you just need to work on what you've been doing wrong...and you apparently are doing that.<P>I await with great interest what your wife decides to do, although I think whatever her decision you can handle it.<P>Keep posting.<P>Buffy

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>Me I'm trying desperatly to find the answers to help bring my wife back, but my wife the WS has no intrest in this website. I've showed her and tried to explain to her what I've found but she has no interest. She always has to much work to do. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Be careful about educating your wife. It might be a possible love buster, and her way of reacting might be her way of telling you that it is indeed a love buster.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Scandinavian<BR>scandinavian@my-deja.com

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Homer,<P>I wrote you on pg.1, just getting back and catching up...<P>I sent some friends who are WS to help you understand how you can best help your wife.<P>But don't let that throw you, there are many, many of us betrayeds on here. While they are in the fog, we have to be strong...<P>I think you have a very good chance of a happy ending. The actions taken early on are CRUCIAL.<P>I am fortunate to be one of those success stories. I read Harley's BOOKS and set-up counselling with Dr. Jennifer Harley before D-day. (I found the site later.)<P>I truly believe things would have been waaaay worse. My h hung in the balance, torn about leaving to be with OW. I did plan A, he decided to confess all and break contact. He had tried before to break it on his own and failed. But under Jennifer's guidance we did it together. HE was ready.<P>The fine line between loving her and giving her space is being a FRIEND to her, what she needs most right now. I felt like covering up too, our relationship was different. HE was in-love with someone else.<P>He also pulled away from my touch, which was hard because affection was my top need. I learned to touch him in ways that said I was his friend, in our case it was light tickles.<P>The material on the site is good, but read at least two books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/ Her Needs.<P>I think it sounds like you are handling it very well. Don't push the material on her, you figure out how she will let you love her.<P>And yes, the passion can be found! I felt he neglected me for years and I became resentful. Only HE went and had the affair.<P>I could have buried myself in the pain and anger at that point, but what good would it do ME or my kids? And we are finding the passion again. OW is becoming a distant memory...<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>I hope she can swiftly make a decision, then allow me to love that guy right out of her life. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Homer,<P>Jeez, I have the deepest sympathy for your plight. I discovered MB before any As happened in my marriage, but I am still bridging the emotional disconnect with Plan A.<P>Just realize that you can come out of this with a stronger relationship, and if you reconcile, your W will look back at this periodk and marvel at your love and patience.<P>That said, I am curious as to the OM in your case...is he in a supervisory capacity over your W? His W doesn't know....aren't you tempted to tell her? Have you spoke with the OM and know who he is?<P>I think my first response to the discovery of an A would be to rage out and try to disrupt it. I'm not sure that would be the correct MB response (and I posted a query about that), but in so many situations like yours, that is the first and ongoing response.<P>I think a good scenario for you to think about here in Plan A is that you are auditioning to be your W's future mate. That sucks, because you are the injured party, but that is the reality. And you have some strong advatages on your side. Just hang in there.<P>Mike <BR>

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I am so glad I read these posts!!<BR>Homer, I am in a situation very similar to yours - Plan A is very frustrating and difficult but I am trying so hard. My H does not want to discuss anything about his A, will not go to counseling, will not read SAA, etc. (Read my posts on "just found out")<BR>He is like your wife - there has been no physical intimacy since mid-Feb.!! I suspected something was wrong because he would not make love to me - he was not "here" - not once did I suspect an A!! OW let me know about it - she started calling our house late April, asking for him, then hanging up on me and my daughters. I guess she wanted me to know about it hoping I would kick him out. Then, I had to confront him with all the info I had gathered when he said he wanted to leave for a couple of weeks to "think and get his head straight" - well, he has decided to "stay" - says he cut it off with OW - I am not 100% sure. I feel obsessed, constantly thinking about him, wondering if they have made contact, hoping he will fall back in love with me, etc. It has been H... - sleepless nights, lost 10 pounds, in addition to the 10 I had lost before Discovery. What is making this so hard is that there is still no sex - feeling major rejection - I, like you, want it to be fixed - I am impatient and finding this harder and harder. I wonder if he will ever want me again. <BR>Wings - your insight is helpful - how long before you would let H touch you? We hug - and he is finally letting me snuggle - a little - in bed. Before I knew about A, if I touched him he would jump like I was fire or something. At least, now I can touch him...<BR>I would appreciate your direction...<BR>Homer, you are not alone.<BR>A<BR>

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Homer,<BR>I have read most of the posts here... your situation is similar to mine so I am going to attempt to tell you what I did wrong. I did not find this site until much later after she told me, so alot of the damage was already done....<BR>1) I played the victem to the hilt, telling my friends a rather one-sided story of how I was the betrayed. It took me a long time to settle on the things that I brought to the table to imo push her into his arms<BR>2)Since she was emotionally pulling away that made me "grab on to her" to suffocate her<BR>3)I went in the mode of being a model husband... trying to compete. All that did was to make me look even worse, you will be hard pressed to compete under the circumstances. Being in this mode is not the same as plan Aing.<BR>4)I always was the wounded little man around her, always looking sad or mad. All she saw in this was weakness, which solidified her decision on the OM<BR>There are many more things that i did but I can't type that fast and this is taking forever...hahahaha<BR>There is a book called Private Lies... I liked it alot, it helped me. In it there is one section that simply says that you can't out romance her, you can't make her jealous, you really can't do anything but state your case and do what you have to do to get through this... My suggestion would to continue to do plan A (knowing that it will seem ineffective right now if she won't give up the om) be an example of integrity, confidence and strength. Don't dote on her, try your hardest to talk about things other than her fog. WORK ON YOU, understand that you brought things here too and work on those.<BR>Homer, you have one thing on your side, believe it or not you have time.... be confident, take the higher road, don't get caught up in all the verbage.... it has all been said (ver-batem) before, we have all heard it. I am very confident you will come out of this a better man with or without your wife, stay true....<BR>Michael

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Mike,<BR>I was completely angry, How in the HELL could she do this to everything we built, her children and me. To me at first she was a selfish EVIL, WHORE, BI***. Thank God she was in California and I could not react to her, I had to wait for her call.<P>He has nothing to do with her position just a guy that she bonded with over lunches(that turned into some pretty hot lunches. His wife is a resturant manager for a chain resturant(she is never home) So Teri and him would just go to his house for lunch and after work(she told me she was so busy and had all kinds of projects due, always behind though, for some odd reason she would never catch up)<BR>and yes I've spoken with him 3 times. Before they hooked up, I met him a Christmas party, seemed nice. and after I confronted her she told him I knew and he called me at home. All he could say was that he understood that the turmoil that is caused is great and he is sorry children are involved. He also told me my wife is the most wonderfull person he has ever met and he is in love with her. I called him many names, and ultimately came to the conclusion that any man that would sleep with another man's wife is not a man, and deserves no respect from me or anybody on the planet.<P>He also said that he would comply with whatever Teri asks him to do.<P>Well his relationship was built on lies so was that last statement.<BR>She made a decision to break it off from him, and try to work on it with me since I was willing. On Monday she saw him in the halls but ignored him. On Tuesday she did not see him at all. ON Wednesday he emailed her and said he needs to talk to her. So what does she do, she goes to lunch with him. I catch her and that was the last time I truely LBed her.<P>Mkn- are you still working or is she gone?<BR>and I have been wounded and it is very difficult to not let it show. I know that being depressed is not helping my cause but that is how I feel(like there is absloutely no happiness in this world)<P>The most difficult thing is while I'm at work she is at work (with OM). Lunch time is unbearable to me because I just know what they are doing, and I try to think other thoughts but they keep comming back as if someone tied me up in a chair gagged me and made me watch them. <P>I know I'm being a whimp but I so desparately miss my best friend. and when I tell her I love her and hope she gets home soon she just sits there silently while I slowly die inside.<P>Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I'm am trying so hard with her is because I'm so afraid of the $s that divorce cost. Not to mention the lawyer put my salery into one of those programs that tell you what kind of child support you would be paying a month if you lose based on your annual income. I learned I'd be paying $1064 to her and her lover a month for one child. If I win she would only be paying me $634. Those are some painfull #s. I've learned that divorce will cost me $15,000 to $40,000 and her the same. I just bought a house and have taped our savings I can't afford a divorce. The thought of a divorce makes me ill. + neither of us could keep the new house on our own so it would be sold. The hardest thing is that the courts don't care about adultry.<P>errrrrrr

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One tiem when I was LBing right at the beginning, I told her "next time you start to kiss OM and hold OM I want you to imagine how your 6 year old would react if she walked in and saw you were being intimate with someone other than her daddy"<P>I also asked during confrontation, "When you were spending all tis time with him did you ever think of your family?"<P>the response was "I blocked all of you out"<P>I don't understand why a woman who loves her children so much would intentially stab them in the chest just so she could feel good.<P>My 6 year old doesn't know anything but she most deffinately knows that something is and has been way out of harmony. He seems very insecure and is wanting attention all the time. She has to be affected by this. I made a mistake when I found out, as I was crying in front of wife's pc her 13 year old saw me stood behind me and read the email. I didn't try to stop her. I know why I didnt and I am so ashamed of what I did. <P>

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>She made a decision to break it off from him, and try to work on it with me since I was willing</B><P>Well, I'm sure you realize by now that only a job change for one of them will end this affair. Have you read the Harley articles on ending an affair and restoring a marriage? They call for a 100% cutoff of all contact for life. Next time, and I hope it is soon, your wife opens her eyes and decides to try to end it, make sure you know what the steps are. The odds of successfully ending an affair with someone you see 8 hours a day are too long.<P>Lovebusting or not, I'd be tempted to tell this guy that since he broke his word on not reinstigating contact after your wife tried to break it off, that you feel that all parties involved need to be apprised of the status, including his W. Perhaps that will cause him to break it off and change jobs.<P>I don't know, it's late, maybe this is bad advice. I guess in your shoes I'd try to get a Harley on the phone and ask advice....<P>Homer, hang in there. Others have come through this and built stronger marriages based on a renewed respect. If that is what you want, I hope you get it. <P>

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Homer:<P>Hey, we know the hurt is real fresh to you and you're barely hanging on until you find out what she wants to do, but all this will get better in time, regardless of what she decides.<P>Yes, that picturing the two of them together is rough. So you just have to put it out of your mind (easily said, huh). You will need to rant and rave for some time until you come to accept what has happened and begin to deal with it. We've all been there and can remember. <P>I don't think you should to do anything about letting OM's W know what's going on. First of all that would be a major LB to your wife. Secondly, it's really no one's place to tell his wife but his. It's their relationship and they must deal with it as they will. She will probably find out soon anyway if she doesn't know already.<P>No, you're not holding out because you're afraid of the cost of a divorce. You love your wife...that's the reason. Of that we have no doubt. But it is another reason to keep trying.<P>Someone said that you have one thing on your side...time...remember that because it's true.<P>Buffy<P>

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Mike I tried to convince her to quir, problem she loves the job and not me. She is a consultant and 1 of 3 employees in her company, the contract she is on is the company's bread and butter and if she were to quit the company would go out of business and the other 2 would both be out of work. She doesn't feel she can quit she has to much responsibility to them. And while she is deep in the fog I can't change that. <P>yes it is new to me I am only 2 weeks into this and every morning I wake up with a dead empty feeling inside. Its cold. (at least I'm sleeping a little now that I actually wake up in the morning)<P>I do love her but it gets harder to focus that every time I talk to her. Everything with her seems to have no emotion, no feeling in her words. It seems she enjoys watching me squirm.<P>Is there anybody on this site that left S and married their lover? I want to know how they are doing. <P>I am also having trouble with another thing, I am depressed all the time, can't get this off my mind. I know it pushes her away because I am so weak at times. My dad even told me I'm to sensitive. I look back on the good times with her and even the recent ones like Christmas and snow skiing, and it feels so empty that it is all gone. Some of the most disturbing feelings I have ever delt with.<P>Its late must work tommorrow

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<P>Dear Homer,<P>Your question about whether anybody on this site has left their spouse and married their lover would get a better response if you posted it under Infidelity Boards, as a New Topic. People read the list of active topics of the day, and open up the ones that deal with issues they are wrestling with.<P>Welcome to the Boards, Sorry you're here. Sadly, there's a lot of company here. <P>I know NSR has posted to you. Click on the red and green words (I think they're called "links") to learn about Plan A, Plan B, and other valuable stuff. You're lucky you found the Boards so early in the crisis.<P>Post, vent, read. And pray.<P>Love,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>Mike I tried to convince her to quir, problem she loves the job and not me. She is a consultant and 1 of 3 employees in her company, the contract she is on is the company's bread and butter and if she were to quit the company would go out of business and the other 2 would both be out of work. She doesn't feel she can quit she has to much responsibility to them. And while she is deep in the fog I can't change that. <P>yes it is new to me I am only 2 weeks into this and every morning I wake up with a dead empty feeling inside. Its cold. (at least I'm sleeping a little now that I actually wake up in the morning)<P>I do love her but it gets harder to focus that every time I talk to her. Everything with her seems to have no emotion, no feeling in her words. It seems she enjoys watching me squirm.<P>Is there anybody on this site that left S and married their lover? I want to know how they are doing. <P>I am also having trouble with another thing, I am depressed all the time, can't get this off my mind. I know it pushes her away because I am so weak at times. My dad even told me I'm to sensitive. I look back on the good times with her and even the recent ones like Christmas and snow skiing, and it feels so empty that it is all gone. Some of the most disturbing feelings I have ever delt with.<P>Its late must work tommorrow</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

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Homer,<BR>My wife is gone, we had to sell our house as well, she is still working with him, and he recently left his wife. We are in the last stages of getting a divorse.... I hate it too, I have felt all the things you feel, said all the things you said (and more)... When you say things to her, you are being logical, she on the other hand is full of emotion (as temporary as it is) emotion will always rule, she will rationalize to the hilt and unfortunately you have to be the enemy. It's the nature of the beast.... for now anyway. That is why you have to immediately stop love busting. I will probably get flamed for this but instead of holding on so tight.... do everything in your power to LET HER GO..... as far as she is concerned... go live your life, be careful, see ya. Have that attitude, show strength and confidence (wether you feel it or not) and get to work on you. Don't treat her bad, just start acting with strength. It will look for a time that she won.... but my contention is that over time she will have to remember that you were strong and full of character. Is this a game you say.... perhaps, so be it. She is playing a more dangerous game, one i might add that is statistically doomed for her.<BR>By the way... she will not return the "I Love You's".... I would not stop saying it necessarily, but if it starts hurting you too much... well you decide.<BR>I apologize for being rather bleak sounding, this whole thing is a process and to a point a predictable process. By that I mean what she will say, what she will do, what you and your mind will put yourself through, the only thing in flux is the ending...<BR>If you believe in Jesus, trust in God... if you are not.... look into it....<BR>Be strong, have patience, learn....<BR>Michael

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Homer, <BR>(pat yourself on the back)<P>I was just lurking. I wanted to check on you and see about your day today. <BR>Hang in there big guy!<P>This is the first step. BE HER FRIEND!!!!!!!<BR>NO I LOVE YOUS!!!!! BE THE BEST BEST FRIEND. <BR>NOT THE ENEMY!<BR>I know you dont think that is enemy. But it is. I hated it when H said I love you. She knows that. Or you wouldnt be hanging. <BR>My OM W does not know about the A. I would suggest no contact to OM. I think it would be a major "love buster"<P>You have her thinking. That is good. When H was "good" to me. He would makeme think all night when I had left him. I had left and he would never bother me. He always called my sis. I hated for sis to tell me what he said. I just thought "get over it" It is over. <P>I have to say he did make me think. I would think what if this doesnt work. what if Om doesmt leave him W. And i am atleast married to a good man. <BR>She is starting to think. That is a good sign. She would have never decided to cut it off.<P>One of the things you said was there were 3 of them in the office. Honey you need to pray. She has to leave that job. Or he does one. I cant tell you about telling OM w. Mike may have a point. She may want him to leave instead of your W having to.<BR>Keep this in mind. I have seen this happen twice. <BR>If you tell OM W. Then she may say forget it get out. And go n her merry way. <BR>I haev a friend that married her affair partner. And it is a hell marriage. I give it 1 more year. They ahve been married for 2 years now.<BR>God Bless you homer<BR>Take Care<P>JUST VENT VENT VENT!<BR>Remember COMFORT HER! Be her frind!! That is what I wanted. That will win her. I think that showed that H did love me enough to over come this. He never trashed OM. He told me he thought he was a good guy. And he hated it for his W. In my mind I was thinking. WHAT THE @#$?? <P>Renee<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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Today was a good day, I haven't heard from her.<P>I went to see my mothers pastor. I've been trying to get in touch with God since I found out but feel as if I have been unsuccessfull. As you may have read before I have not been a spiritual man. But I feel like the things I've learned from this web site helped me to understand why this thing happened to me. I've learned where my faults were and where I failed as a husband. I am under construstion. The man that emerges from this will be whole and through God I will learn to love unconditionally. That is a love that would go to Christ and well as my wife. It is a love with no expectations. After talking with him he showed me how to turn to God and how I can become a better person through him. A monumental weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel at peace. My wife has a decision to make and she has the free will to make it. I will look to God for guidence, and no matter where this ends I will become the best man I ever dreamed of being. <P>I love my wife deeply (more than I had ever realized). I feel confident and at peace she will have a hard time leaving a man that I am turning myself into. And if she does it will be ok, God will give me guidance and everything will be fine.<P>I now realize what the fog is. She doesn't love that man she loves the way he makes her feel inside (happy). It is an addiction. I'm sure he couldn't possibly understand what it means to love like I feel I have found. <P>Thank you all for the guidance, I can't wait to see more.<P>I only hope she doesn't go to him because he is Atheist and being that God would never bless their marriage, she would be destined to go through pain much greater than what she has done to me. I also know if she were to come home and defeat the withdraw. Have a open heart her life would somehow have joy and harmony that she never before imagined.<P>Its all in her hands, I'm in Gods. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P><BR>Also the quote of the day, which will become one of my quotes for life is:<P>"Happiness is not getting something you want, it is wanting something you have"<P>I saw it some where on this site and it touched me deeply.

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