Two years ago my husband and I split up. While we were apart I saw another man. I realized it was wrong and broke it off. A few months later my husband and I got back together. He found out about the other man and said even though we were split up and looking at divorce that I had an affair. My husband and I are still together but are unhappy. The guilt is eating me up! I am doing everything I can to regain my husband's trust and save this marriage. He says he can't forget what I did. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said no. We tried marriage counseling when we first got back together and had no improvements. I know I deserve my husbands anger. I regret what I did but I can't go back and change things now. I don't know what to do for our relationship any more. I go to counseling with out my husband. However, what good is a marriage if I'm the only one willing to work one it. I don't wont a divorce but I don't wont this hanging over my head forever. In 5 more years I don't wont to be at the same place in my marriage. I feel hopeless. How long will my husband hate me?

Hi Baby Boomer,<P>Welcome to MB. Good for you for taking the time to come here and learn, so you can help yourself and your husband overcome this.<P>I guess I wonder if your Husband will come here too. Maybe if you shared some of the information you learn here it could help him with his resentment. The first thing I would do if I were you is get the book by Harley called "Surviving After the Affair." It has the same concepts you will see on these boards, but until I read it I didn't really get it or see the whole picture.<P>I know my H will not come here, or read a book, or go to counseling or do anything, and he is the betrayer...so it's pretty much up to me to do the work. I think what your H may need is to really see how you have changed. Proof is powerful, and as you learn and change he will eventually see these things and be pulled back to you. He is hurting terribly right now, and probably feels no trust toward you. You've got your work cut out for you.<P>Read all you can here, post as often as you can. Pay close attention to Lostva and Sheba's posts. They are, to me, the MB experts and have helped me so much. NSR will also steer you in the right direction as far as what to read...please follow his advice and read all he tells you to. It's useless to just come here to the forum unless you really understand the concepts.<P>Be patient, there will not always be a bunch of answers to your posts, but there are so many parallels in these situations that you can learn a lot from the other posts. Keep an open mind and stay with us. Knowledge is power!<P>allison

Boomer:<P>Are you still out there? I hope you are.<P>It sounds as though you're in a tough spot, but I don't think it's hopeless...not if you don't!<P>I would suggest reading as much as you can from this site and then picking up some of the books and reading them. <P>Try to stay focused on the present. Do everything you can to be a good wife today. Don't worry about tomorrow and don't focus on yesterday: think about today. You can only live in one moment so you may as well make it one you can affect.<P>Your H doesn't hate you. He is mad and hurt, but he doesn't really hate you. Try to get him to read some of the books on this site. You will have to create new good memories, but you can do it.<P>All the best. Let us know how you're doing. --HBC

Thanks HurtButCoping. I'm still around. I have tried everything I know to help my husband with what I did to him. He must be in a great deal of pain and I feel terrible about it. He never wants to talk about what happened. He keeps it inside and I know that isn't good. He thinks I am keeping things from him but I am not. He has my computer buged as well as the phone. I have been straight though. I wish a million times a day I had never seen the other man when we were separated. However, I thought my marriage was over at that time. We had filed for a divorce but never got that far. I know he is going through pain but he isn't the only one. I have to live knowing for the rest of my life that I am the cause for our unhappy marriage. I feel as if I am in between a rock and a hard place. I can't change what I did and I can't work on our marriage without his help. I hate what I have done. I became so depressed after we got back together I wanted to end my life. I am on meds. for depression now. Some days are better than others but today is one of my low days. The guilt and depression is eating me up. I know some how I will get through this. I pray God forgives me as well as my husband. For I am truely sorry for what I did.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HurtButCoping:<BR><B>Boomer:<P>Are you still out there? I hope you are.<P>It sounds as though you're in a tough spot, but I don't think it's hopeless...not if you don't!<P>I would suggest reading as much as you can from this site and then picking up some of the books and reading them. <P>Try to stay focused on the present. Do everything you can to be a good wife today. Don't worry about tomorrow and don't focus on yesterday: think about today. You can only live in one moment so you may as well make it one you can affect.<P>Your H doesn't hate you. He is mad and hurt, but he doesn't really hate you. Try to get him to read some of the books on this site. You will have to create new good memories, but you can do it.<P>All the best. Let us know how you're doing. --HBC</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Boomer,<P>Don't put all the blame for your troubled marriage on yourself. It sounds like your marriage was in trouble before the two of you seperated, so I don't think what you did is the only reason your marriage is troubled now. Sounds like you husband is using what you did as a way to blame you and avoid dealing with the real reasons the marriage is in trouble now and before. A book that gave me some incentive to work on the marrage alone is "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together". Details why one person working at the marriage can make a difference, not just for the marriage, but for yourself.<P>Anyway, good luck to you, much patience and God's strength.<P>Tim

Hi BabyBoomer,<P>Not sure if this will help, but as I was reading your post, I tried to put myself in your husband's shoes and thought about what it would take for me to really trust my H again. This is what I came up with:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The guilt is eating me up! I am doing everything I can to regain my husband's trust and save this marriage. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Are you meeting his NEEDS? Are you BENDING OVER BACKWARDS to meet his needs? Are you practicing the Polity of Joint Agreement? Are you sharing the Four Gifts of Love? YOU are the one who betrayed the marriage (and it is a marriage until the papers are signed) and YOU are the one who has to make the EXTRA effort here. Have you truly repented to him and ask for his forgiveness? As well, are you TOTALLY honest with him about what you do and say each day?...does he know where you are at all time?...does he have ANY reason to be suspicious of you now?<P>If you really have done all you can to save the marriage - and that means reading "Surviving an Affair" and ALL the concepts on this board - then it seems like you'll have to have a real heart-to-heart with your H and ask him to make a decision, once and for all, to either forgive you and do his part to help restore the relationship (which will include counseling, etc.) OR not forgive you, which will basically end the relationship.<P>Please note: This is just my opinion...I don't know what it would really be like to be in your and/or your husband's shoes, as my H is still having an affair. <P>But if my H came home and acted like that (all that I described), I think I could maybe start to forgive him and move on. <P>Just a question....are you REALLY doing everything you can or are you just wishing he'd get over it already?<P>Sorry if this sounds hard (I think Dr. Laura is rubbing off on me), I certainly don't mean it to be. Keep coming to this forum and getting information and replys....it's all good to think about.<P>Aloha.

P.S. You DON'T deserve your H's anger...but you did something that really hurt him (anger comes from hurt). However, he can't be angry at you forever for the marriage to work. Will he go to counseling alone? Also, your H will hate you until he chooses not to. It's mostly up to him, but you HAVE TO BE HONEST with yourself too. Each person recovers from hurt (esp. one this deep) at their own rate...you can't push him. But if you think he's holding it over your head on purpose, maybe he feels this is his way to regain some of the "power/control" in the relationship that was lost when you had the affair.