A good news update...A success story not for the marriage, but for Plan A.<P>Just past....<BR>W told me a couple of weeks ago that her attorney had called asking what he should do, as nothing has been done since the draft separation agreement in January. She tried to return his call, but couldn't reach him. Over the weekend, we discussed this and what we should do. W said, after some thought, "Maybe we should just blow it off". I was rolling, I was laughing so hard. It just tickled my funny bone to have that comment made about our divorce. When I recovered, I asked if that was what she really wanted to do. No answer. A couple of days later, I left for a week-long trip to Virginia(during which I had the extreme pleasure ot meet Lori(lostva), her husband and daughter. Finer people you will never meet). I returned on a Tuesday night, expecting to hear what she had told her attorney. Actually, I had been expecting it for the entire week I was gone, but nothing was said, and in the finest traditions of Plan A, I didn't make an issue of it. Well, by Friday, Plan A be damned, I decided to ask her. She told me that she had told him as long as the court didn't object, just to leave iit on hold.<P>Yesterday....<BR>We had a long discussion starting with the divorce issue. W was totally resistant to "officially" working on the marriage. I asked if it was due to feelings for OM. She said it wasn't. When I asked about how her "distancing" was going, she said not well. I had never been told what this "distancing" was so I asked(fully prepared for 'no answer') and to my surprise she said that she had intended to completely stop talking to him except for strictly work-related issues. She said that she realized that she didn't really want this so they did talk very occasionally. I asked if she had told him that a few weeks ago she had told me that she wanted us to stay together. She said she had. Next question was how was he handling this. He is accepting her decision, but has some tough days. I told W that this was totally understandable and I felt sorry for him.<P>After further discussion, I realized that it was the issue of actually making the "decision" to work on the marriage that was holding her back. So I pressed a very calm, but surprisingly convincing case that ended with me saying "Why don't we give it a try. Then, when it's all over, even if we split, we can both feel good that we did our best.". I asked that if the marriage could be mended, would she want that and the answer was "yes". I won't bore you all of the conversation before my closing argument, I'm just proud of how I handled it. Anyway, after four or five minutes of thoughtful silence on both sides, W said, "OK, let's do it". I asked her if she was sure and she was. I asked her if she felt I had pressured her into this decision and she said I hadn't in any way. We talked a little more and she brought up the "freedom" issue that has been bothering her for some time. She told me that even if we work on the marriage, she may feel the need to be "free".<P>I asked what her desired "freedom" entailed and she said she didn't yet know. My point then to her was that even if we had been happily married all of this time, that there was no guarantee that she(or me, either for that account) wouldn't have found this need and acted on it down the road. I asked her to think of the consequences if we split up to give her total "freedom" and she found that that wasn't what she had really wanted, instead something less. Wouldn't it be better to work on the marriage now and find out later that maybe we did need to split up than to split now and find that it wasn't necessary. I gave her an analogy(actually, a really bad one). Take a canary inside a house in a cage. It is always looking around the room wanting out of the cage. Someday, the door to the cage is left open and the canary flies out. Once out of the cage, the canary notices that the front door is open. So, instead of just investigating the house to see if that is all the space it needs, it immediately flies out the open door to the outside world....Where a hawk notices it and grabs it for an evening meal. My point was that maybe it was best to see first if being in the house and out of the cage was enough before flying outside...(see, I told you it was bad)...She got a little kick out of this and asked me if I thought a hawk was going to "get" her. I laughed and said I didn't know, but it was possible.<P>After all of this, we were talking some more and I asked if this meant that I could "call off the hounds(stop the divorce)" and she agreed that we should do this...<P>All in all great news....We needed another good news update on the board right now, so here it is<P>Love you all....<P>--DeWayne--<P>

And we're STILL hollering out loud down here in Suffolk!!!! <P>Thought about renting a billboard, but hey, we decided skywriting was a better idea! (that was Robert's idea!!! )<P>Don't mess with MY intuition, dear brother. <P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img]<P>Luv ya!<P>Lori

Wow!! What wonderful news, DeWayne! I so needed to hear a success story right now. I've been soooo down today, because I discovered this weekend that H is still "carrying on" with OW even after telling me he wanted to reconcile. He's been back home now for about 5 weeks.<P>I've had a splitting headache for two days due to the stress and inner turmoil. I'm so close to throwing in the towel.<P>Thanks so much for sharing the good news!!!

Hey DeWayne,<P>that's great news. I too needed to read a nice 'one', and I'm glad it was yours.<P>You handled that situation beautifully, I even didn't mind the canary analagy. Hey, if it fits.......<P>I think you deserve a huge pat on the back, no LB's, only respect and courtesy.<P>hugs to you<P>Jo

Just met you today, Heartpain, but I'm already so happy for you! Good luck!<P>And thanks for your thoughtful response to my thread. <P>

DeWayne....<P>YIPPEE!!!! See?? We told you so!! LOL LOL<P>I knew she would finally come to this decision! How could she not?? You have been sooo patient, she just couldn't resist! <P>Doing a happy dance,<BR>Mitzi

Heartpain, that is wonderful news!!! You are such a patient and loving man!!!<P>You know that once you get her to want to work on the marraige you can DO IT!!!!!!!!!!<P>Keep us posted with more good news...there are some of here who really need the inspiration!!!!!!!

WAY TO GO, Brudda!! Keep it up!!<P>I'm hoping the next "feel good" story is mine.

Excellent news HeartPain! <P>Keep up the Plan A'ing. Maybe you and Lori should offer a Plan A workshop. <P>God Bless,<BR>Jo

Hi Heartpain -<P>"This little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine!!!!!!"<P>LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!<P>Love Ya and BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - W.A.D. is waffling.... the big jerk!!! I'm OK though, I am on my horse!!!!

Howdee ya'll,<P>Been a looooong time since I read. And and even longer time since I posted. So long in cybertime I feel old and grey.<P>DeWayne, congrats man. I do remember when you first joined the Forum. You've done well. And, it seems you may have just cleared a very big hurdle.<P>Does it seem like a long time? A short time? It's all relative, eh? I can share with you from the perspective of one who is wayyyy down the line from you on this path. Truly, it may only be a couple of bumps in what might be a lovely path. <P>Two years next month since my time of craziness. Suse and I are STILL doing well. We've settled into a nice, comfy, loving, and nurturing relationship. Funny how sometimes what we search for is right next to us, eh? Yes, the cage. I think I'll stay.<P>Well done.<P>And...best wishes to any old friends peeking in (hi to Jo, Lor, and Lori!)

Greetings, all. Sorry for the delay in responding, but I've been pretty busy...<P><B>Lori - </B> All of that noise in Suffolk kept me awake Sunday night. You can stop now!! LOL! <P>You can go ahead with the skywriting. I've been trying to get a guest spot on Startrek:Voyager and I need all the publicity I can get. Robert comes up with all the good ideas before the rest of us can even start thinking. <P>Mess with <I>your</I> intuition, dear sister? Wouldn't even think of it <P>Luv ya right back....<P><B>Sidney - </B> Well, it's at least a partial success story. The scary part is that "freedom" issue. I hope she learns that freedom comes from within, and, that like happiness is something that others are not responsible for. <P>I'm sorry your H is still "carrying on" with OW. Susan still has those "talks" with OM and that really bothers me, but I'm not going to tell her that, not just yet, anyway.<P>I've been close to throwing in the towel on many occasions. Even had a post a few months ago with that very subject line. Actually, twice I did give that cloth a toss and W made me pick it back up.<P><B>Jo - </B>Well, for me, it was handled beautifully. There are several others here on the board whom I would have liked to be my representative, but some things you have to do yourself and take the risks. <P>Thanks for the pat on the back, but what I really want is more progress. See, I'm getting impatient again!! <P>Hugs back at 'ya...<P><B>Leilana - </B>I haven't had a chance yet to respond again to your post, but I did read it. It is so hard to be smiling, loving and patient when you feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest with some of the WS's behaviors, but unfortunately, it seems to be the only way that works.<P>Just remember "Plan A"...<P><B>Mitzi - </B>You know, the line of people that "told me so" is longer than the one for opening night of a "Star Wars" movie.. <P>You've been here with me for quite a while, listening to my whining and complaining. Thanks for staying around.<P>I was going to do a "naked" happy dance, but that would clear this board out faster than yelling "FIRE" in a crowded theatre.. <P><B>tootrusting - </B>Thanks for the complements, but only part of me is "loving and patient". I have an "evil" side that is vindictive, mean and vengeful, at least as far as W's dalliance is concerned. It's only a small side, but I do have to work a little to keep it under control.<P>I think I've known for some time that she wanted the marriage to succeed. She just has trouble making important decisions sometimes. It's obvious she still has some feelings for OM(which she denies vehemently) and there is still a part of her that she shares with him and not with me. In my mind, this is something that <B>has</B> to change over time for me to stay in the marriage, but we'll work on that(I hope).<P>I hope to be able to keep posting good news, but as you know, this kind of mess involves lots of roller coaster riding.<P><B>Gonnatry - </B>I guess your pseudonym kinda sums up where we are at now.<P>I hope you can post a "feel good" story very soon!!!<P><B>Jo - </B>Lori's the one who should offer a Plan A workshop. I learned from her and am still learning more. She is a wonder!!!! <P><B>Sheba - </B>If you don't mind, I will just join in on the chorus. LOL! <P>You know, I don't know how your H can resist you. I looked up "irresistable force" in the dictionary and saw your picture!!! LOL!! And, I don't need a dictionary to know that "waffler" is <B>not</B> a synonym for "immoveable object"...Stay on the horse!!!!<P>Love you back and big, big hugs to you...<P><B>dMac - </B>Long time no hear!!! I'm not old yet(year younger than you, I think), but I AM getting quite grey!!<P>Yup, been on this board for quite a while...almost an "old timer"!! I agree about the "big hurdle" think I pulled a hamstring on that one!! LOL!<P>It seems like forever. I do agree with your assessment, however. When it all works out, I really do believe that it will seem more like a "couple of bumps". You and Suse were pretty much right about us all along. I just wish I had seen that earlier, might have saved me from a lot of distress. I do thank you guys so much for all of the time you spent thinking about my situation and offering advice. I'll be forever grateful no matter how it all ends up. You two set a standard that we should all strive for!!!<P>I know that what I want out of life is right beside me. I just hope Susan finds out it's the same for her!!<P><B>Everyone - </B>I wanted to share this funny story for those of you who followed the "Warrior Princesses" threads. If you didn't, then refer to: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010576.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010576.html</A> (four pages)<BR>It started out a little somber with lostva having had a pretty bad day, but soon, the loonies were out of their caves and going where no man or woman would ever dream of going in their right minds......<P>Anyway, a couple of hours after I arrived at Lori and Robert's home(lostva), we called Sheba. While I was talking to Sheba, Lori left the room and came back with a box that she said Sheba wanted me to have. I opened the box and there was a ..... ready????....a frozen salmon filet!!! [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] Absolutely made my day!!! I love all you people here!!!! I re-read that thread before I referred it here, and it still makes me laugh....<P>Love you all very much,<P>--DeWayne--<P>

DeWayne,<P>I've been here for a little over 6 months and don't see myself going anywhere soon. Mostly I hang out in the Divorcing forum.(Like you didn't know! LOL) But this placed saved my sanity and on a couple of occassions, my life.<P>Of course, I had to stick around to see your wife start to come out of the fog! <P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

<B>Mitzi - </B>I've been here about a year and I'm not going anywhere soon...It has saved my sanity too many times...<P>I know where you hang out. I've been reading the "Hey Murph.." thread. Sometimes I think I should douse you guys with a bucket of cold water!! LOL!! <P><B>All - </B>One thing I forgot to mention was that after she had decided all of this, I asked if we could re-start joint counseling. She said she didn't think so because she didn't want anyone telling her "what to do". Go figure.....<P>--DeWayne--