one thing Ive always wondered is how things might have been different if I had actually found out about my H's short affair at the beginning of it, when I did ask him but he brushed it off and I accepted his word.<BR>When I did actually finally find out about it, it had basically run its course for him, although it was only a few months long, they had had sex, it wasnt what he had fantasised and he was sick of the lies etc.<BR>I sometimes look back and shudder if I had found out early in some ways, although it would have been easier for me with less to deal with, it must be very hard for the BS when they are caught in that very early stage of lust/infatuation. If they are stopped at that stage where they havent played it out, is it that much harder to fully overcome? Are they left always tempted, wondering "was she the one?" particularly if they still live in the same town and social circles?<BR>Is there better times of D-Day than others?<BR>

Hi Tears,<P>Very very good question. I've wondered the same thing, but didn't really know how to ask it.<P>My H's long term PA was over when he finally disclosed the truth to me. I'm glad I didn't find out while he was still seeing her, don't think I could have handled it as beautifully as I see so many here doing.<P>But I have noticed that a lot of the success stories I've seen here have been situations where the spouses really did not see each other much for a long time. Anyone else notice that?<P>When there is a true seperation, when the WS leaves and just does not see their spouse for a while what happens in their mind to bring them home?<P>My H and I are seperated and he has a lot of freedom to come and get his "family fixes". He is here very often, sometimes spending several nights at home. I wonder if I was tougher, and said no when he asks to stay over if he would "get it" sooner. Why should he give up his apartment and his freedom when he can come and go at will?<P>Sorry, I guess I got off the topic there. Bad habit.<P>I think a lot of times, as we've seen on these boards, they do leave to play it out. It sounds like your H knew he was done with it all, thank God. It seems like we can not really force a WS to end it. They will end it when they are good and ready. So many of them still lie and continue their A's after disclosure. This seems like it continues to be a huge fear for so many of us here. How do we know that they are not still lying? <P>So many questions still unanswered for us huh?<P>

Az, many thanks for your reply. In reply to you I think thats definately what plan b is for, though it seems a very scary move to me. Its to wake them up to what they will be missing out on forever if they continue. As long as they have both, they dont have to make any real decisions, feel the real pain of complete separation and make do without. I personally have a lot of respect for "doing a 180" on a WS, which is discussed more on divorcebusting website and in her book. Basically its amazing how a person changes when they realise what they had may be going/gone for ever. I know from personal experience of finding out my H's affair. Im not sure where you are in the process and so definately cant recommend but sometimes plan b/doing a 180/being a lot more elusive/starting a life of your own and even yes, dating (not talked alot here but jealousy can work to your advantage), wakes them up quick smart. Im very sorry for your situation, I was very lucky it seems.Good luck

In retrospect I am glad I didn't find out about the affair until it was over. Yes, I had strong suspicions, especially in the beginning. Friends wanted me to hire a PI, have him followed. Something kept me from doing it and I am glad. I really don't think I could have handled it. Plus I can guarantee that I would have gone and confronted her. I probably would have attacked her (never been in a fight in my life) and ended up arrested. The not knowing enabled me to concentrate on Plan A more fully, worrying about us and not about her. I would have been completely consumed with hatread and revenge and it would not have been a good situation. In the end it worked out great despite her. So for me it would have been awful to know right away.

Good Question,<P>For me "D-Day" came in 2 parts. First was the realization something was wrong in our marriage. Next was the dscovery of affair itself. I didn't talk to my wife about our distance until well after D-Day 1 and only about a week before D-Day 2. Based on what I know about it, D-Day 1 occured before the actual affair. My wife's distance was due to her affirming in her heart that she wanted the feelings she had for OM but had not yet told him. She told him about 2 weeks or so later. D-Day 2 was about 6 weeks after that.<P>I know things would have been different if I had spoken up sooner and could have prevented the A. It would not have changed her feelings but may have prevented her actions from cementing them. We are now also separated.

Gonnatry, me too. I had d-day 1 while the OW was staying at our house before the sexual part of the A. I knew something was wrong and asked my H to have her leave. We talked for two days. I told him I loved him and that I wanted to work on our marriage. I was thanked for that conversation by him leaving to be with the OW and have the PA. Two weeks after that was d-day 2.<P>I do wonder all the time about the what-ifs. What if I hadn't gone to class that night? What if I hadn't let him to Lubbock without a fight? What if I hadn't told him it was okay to stay at a hotel instead of with his parents. You see, the WS has a lot of guilty feelings, but so does the BS. People say that you are not responsible for the choices that others make, but that doesn't help matters any. You still think about the what-ifs.<P>The answer to your question is there is no best time for d-day. It hurts like H*** anytime. This best thing is that there is a d-day. Then both parties can begin to have an honest relationship again.