I'm sick of this mess. You Plan A this, Plan A that, meet his needs - well what about mine? I found out that one of my H's needs is admiration. He needs to feel like I think he is the most handsome man on the face of the earth. That's what was so important about the OW - she was ugly, boy was she ugly. Every man treated her like dirt, he felt sorry for her and there he went.<P>Me - oh - I get my share of looks. One guy today dang near broke his neck try to get a look at me. I've near thought I was ugly, I'm attractive, smart, and should be in the next few years on some magazine cover as the woman to watch in the next year. But I'm tired of giving and not getting. I told him that time was important to me, but what do I get - nothing. I'm never with him, he's out with his friends, teammates, or something else completly silly. I did an LB last night, I told him that the OM always took me out. Always spent time with me, made me feel like I mattered. <P>I've finally figured out that maybe marriage wasn't for him. HE's 25, wants to play around, have fun, anything but take care of his wife. There's this song called 'Treat Her Like a Lady', an old title, but new artist. He sings about some poor guy not taking the time to do things for his gf/wife and says if you don't then she'll find someone else who can. I'm not looking for someone else to do it, I want him to meet my needs, but I'm beginning to feel like what's the point. He only works part-time and isn't even really trying to find another job. I'm tired of paying all the bills, working like a slave, coming home at 9:30 from class (grad school classes are only at night in my dept.) to hear, what's for dinner. <P>We talk all this talk about meeting needs, I express mine and he balks! It's the wrong time, I have an alterior motive, I don't want him to go out with his teammates. I'M SICK OF IT!!!!! When is it okay to say I give up? I'm 24, the other day he has the nerve to call me young! My goodness, I took care of my sisters when my mom worked at night (single parent family), I bought their clothes for school when she didn't have the time or money too, I protected them - Do I have to do that for him too? What about me? When does someone say to me, I want to try? When do I matter. Oh he loves me, but not enough to listen to me, not enough to try with me, not enough to make an effort. Isn't the greatest act of love letting someone go too? Sometimes I think the only reason he hasn't left is because one day I'll be rich and famous, on Capital Hill, or running some city's Community Development or Housing Divison. <P>Sorry for the vent, but I'm throwing in the towel. I could care less about his well being anymore. From now on - it's all about me. I'm sick of being unhappy. I don't care what anyone says - one person can't save a marriage if the other one doesn't want it.

Do you really mean that? Are you really ready to throw in the towel? <P>I understand the hard-headedness and always feeling like you are the only one trying. But, many of us have been there and have found a way to a better, happier future with our spouses. <P>Are you in counseling? I think a skilled counselor can help you find the root of your problems. It sounds like you two might have some competitive issues, nurturing issues and maybe communication issues. Getting help in just one area will make things a little better and might give you the encouragement you need to keep trying.

Hi Vee:<P>I see a lot of me in you. Strong, capable, giving, care-taker of the world.....except for the one person who needs us the most...our H. Unfortunately we usually link ourselves up to partners who need to be needed and admired but can't seem to measure up...so they find their admiration outside the marriage, from friends and other women.<P>If you're attractive and intelligent, things usually come easily to you, and that constant attention and reaffirmation has left you to expect the same from your H. But he can't supply what you need because he's so needy himself and he certainly can't compete with you.<P>If you really love your H, then giving him the admiration he needs is simple...indeed it should be easy for you...concentrate on that for awhile and see if he doesn't begin to want to spend more time with you.<P>What have you got to lose...nothing but a marriage.<P>Buffy <P><BR>

Vee, <BR>It sounds like your H is the me that caused my W to have an A. I had to take a deep look at my self and realise that I have been selfish and immature all these years. Your H wants to stay 18 all his life. He needs to grow up a bit. If he loves you he needs to put you before himself,(something I've learned recently). He needs to learn to love you without expectations. This was my biggest problem, I expected sex, why because she said "I do" and that was her job, god was I so completely dilusional. *I look to wife* "I'm so sorry how I treated you the past 9 years" .<P>Anyway don't throw in the towel yet, I'm 28 it has taken me 10 years to see what life is all about, now I'm working on myself and trying to learn how to become the best man I can be for my wife and my children. (If she stays). Either way I will come out of this a great person.<BR>Hold your head up, does he have any interest in getting help? Or is he pretty closed minded and thinks he is right all the time? i.e. selfish<p>[This message has been edited by homer (edited July 16, 2000).]

Vee, i understand you are fed up and it is clear that your husband is immature to say the least. He is in selfish mode and it doesn't look like he will ever be what you need him to be. Have you gone through all of your options? I haven't heard you mention counseling. Is he willing? Does he see anything wrong with himself or does he blame you for everything? He may still be in a fog and in the me, me, me stage. BTW, the artist of the song you spoke of is "Joe". He certainly has a way of singing about what a woman needs doesn't he!!

Popeye - No we we're not in counseling, one of many reasons ... 1) He makes peanuts in his part-time job, so we live off of my paycheck and as a result, we're behind on bills, so in essence even Dr. H's $85 is too expensive. If I weren't paying his insurance (which comes out of my check and is like $260), then we could very easily do it. 2) He won't go. I've asked several times before we got to this point, he says it's ok if I want to, but he absolutely will not go. So, I'm checking into the university's pysch dept. to see if they do free sessions. Also, I've gotten Dr. H's SAA, but I need to pick up some other books I heard mentioned on other threads. I usually come here to read other people's post & post my own as a form of group counseling. Communication issues - big time! Whenever I try to express my feelings, he says its the wrong time, why didn't I say something before, or I'm trying to keep him from going out, as I said before. It seems like to him, I'm not important or because he sees me as cold and harsh, I shouldn't have feelings let alone cry when I do try to express them. He even balks when I write them out. I'm a great debater, express my thoughts on politics very well, but I can't do that with my emotions. His usual response is "we're going back and forth, I use to feel that way", never anything constructive, just one piece of sarcasm after another.<P>Buffy -<BR>I've given him all of that. Yesterday we talked about that need of admiration, then he tells me that's not important. Go figure? So then I say, well that what you said about the OW (very ugly lady), she would tell him how handsome he was, how happy she was to be with him, etc... So I say, it must have meant something - silence ah ha! I was right! So, I try to explain to him if everything was right at home, he would have never done that. I told him that I was big enough to accept the blame for part of his actions, but he doesn't get that one either. And yes, it's is tiring trying to make the world go round. I want a break!!!! I'm getting extremely cranky, which is not good. I've got a mean temper that I've been trying to control so I've got to get a hang on this mess.<P>Homer -<BR>Selfish is his first name. He tries to make everything my fault, It's my fault for not telling him how I felt before he had to be someplace (jeez, that's when it first occured), my fault for picking the wrong time to talk. Then he does stuff that no 25 yr old man with a wife should be doing - school fashion show, pictures for a calendar, etc. That's stuff bachelors do!!!!! Now granted he knows I hate it, he'll do it anyway. He's sad that I'm not excited about it, gosh you have a PA, then you do stuff to attract more women's attention, go figure. My uncle yesterday asks me "why then if you're so unhappy are you still there?". Heck I couldn't even answer him! How scary is that? My H may be intimidated by me since I'm the family brains. He says, "I'll never do the smart people groups, and awards that you do". Wow, another ploy to make me feel guilty for being uncomfortable with unnecessary attention. He wants kids, right now I'm scared that if we do, he'll decide it's too much responsibility and leave. Great - welcome to singlemomhood. What I want to know is, will he still run in the street all hours of the night, go out and leave me home alone - 9 times out of 10, yes. I can't play grown-up for both of us. That's why I frustrated and ready to wave thw white flag.<P>trying -<P>Oh yeah, great song! I played it several times yesterday. My favorite line is "how many times did you rub her feet when she said they hurt" - man oh man is that ever my feet he's talking about! I'm busy two days a week for 13 hours a day. He wants me to cook for him when I get home at 10pm! I get up at 6:30am, be at work by 8am, get off at 5:00pm, drive in thick ruch hor traffic 20 min to get to class by 5:30pm and leave there at 9:30 pm, and he wants me to cook!!!! Ha! And like I said earlier, he blames me for just about everything. I say I want this to work, ask him what WE can do, and he shruggs! No comments, no ideas, no nothing. Nothing except see how it feels, if I wanted sarcasm, I'd spend the day with my stepfather! It's like it all goes over his head. I asked him to read SAA with me, he says "read it and tell me what it says". I do that, he doesn't listen. He's forever worried that I'll leave him for some big time lawyer or some other guy with a good future ahead of him. Whatever, I'll make my own money, I don't need some man's. I'm not a golddigger, what I want I'll get myself. But I'd like it if he made an effort - things like this make you want to say grow up or I'm putting you out. <P>Excuse me for venting but something has got to give. <P>Vee

Vee,<BR>I know how you are feeling right now. It is so frustrating when you get that kind of behaviour out of somebody who is supposed to be your best friend. I have been married for 9 years - 2 kids. He is so damn selfish I am sick of it as well. I ask myself "why I am still here, and I can't answer." I guess a part of the reason to stick it out is due to the kids but man how long do you put up with stuff. He too thinks when I want to discuss our relationships, our needs that I am just trying to stop him from going out and having fun with his friends. This guy is 32 yrs old and still is behaving immature and always puts himself before his wife and kids. When I look at his mother I think a part of it is due to the way he was brought up as she is very selfish and self centered. How is your H family? I would definately think twice about having kids until he starts to take some responsibility and starts to grow up. I think that is one big problem with us, i pay all the bills, have the job that brings in the most money, he works march until sept and then skiis in the winter. I always have to push him to do everything and I am sick of it, I didn't ask to be his mother and that is what he is doing to me. I am the one dealing with all the responsiblities and I just wish he would frickin grow up.He has started to be a little more responsible in the last couple of years but he has way too long to go.<BR>I do hope your H grows up and I hope you do resolve some of the problems before you think of having kids. I do feel your frustration and I do hope everything gets better. <BR>Good luck.

Vee, you are right. One person can not save a marriage. It takes two. You have obviously reached your limit with Plan A and maybe should consider Plan B instead of towel throwing. Of course, your next step is up to you.<P>Clearly you were very angry when you posted this (and rightly so!). I'd say wait a few days before you act.<P>My prayers are for you!!

Fed up -<BR>Boy oh boy do I feel you on that. I was talking to my best friend a few weeks back about this study that they are doing for the new birth control patch, and she was saying that they are paying $400 for a 6 week study. I was like of heck yea! My H - 'you had better not'. Ok when did you control my body? Better yet, are you going to give me $400? I thought it, but didn't say. Each time I get really angry I think about calling the med school and saying you need a volunteer? You don't know how many times I'm not bringing a child into this mess until it's been cleaned up. Is it possible for men to have two mid-life crises? One early life and one mid life? I hope that the day he wakes up to maturity he doesn't realize I was gone years before. I don't know if I could wait 7 yrs for him to grow up. I know JL is going to kill me for being impatient, but really - can we play adult around here?!<P>Gonnatry -<P>Plan B is sounding better every day. Some how I don't think Plan A is really right for me. It's against my nature. When I'm nice people think I'm ill or try to take advantage of me. Like my sis did until I kicked her out. and yes, I was furious when I wrote this and still am. I don't feel like anything was accomplished in our talk because he didn't have any input. I feel like those people on the street corner with those big placecards "The End IS Near!"<P>Vee