Hi<P>It's been a while since I've posted...busy summer. <P>For those of you who know my story from the beginning, this will be an unpleasant update of sorts. For those of you who don't know my story, you'll have no clue as to what's going on here...you can look back at my posts from early 2000.<P>Update:<P>My husband and I aren't doing so great these days. It seems that we have been arguing over everything...simple things...things that shouldn't matter...we're constantly "bumping heads", and it's irritating -- miserable. When we're not arguing, it's silence as usual...there's no in-between these days.<P>I'm tired of feeling as if everyone is important to my husband except for me. I'm tired of my husband giving me the impression that I'm not worthy...I'm tired of hearing him whine about money even though we both make a decent living. I'm tired of fighting about things before he's even asked about my day or how I'm doing or what's going on...<P>This past week, we had a rough week. Things were busy. We were out of bed very early and back into bed very late -- exhausted. My house was a wreck...no clean clothes...no groceries...tons of errands. We were both coming home late at night (from the same place). But, my husband would fall asleep on the couch while I tried to wash towels and underwear or tried to clean my house until midnight or after, only to have to get up a few hours later to go in to work. I felt overwhelmed and woke-up crying on most days. I kept telling my husband that I was feeling overwhelmed overwhelmed with my career and all of our church activities and errands and housework, etc...I talked to him about how lonely and neglected I've been feeling and he doesn't seem to care. <P>Back when I first started posting here, I'd mentioned that my husband and I were no longer having sex, or having sex very infrequently due to my lack of desire or interest. I was given the advice to have sex with my husband because it would meet his needs, etc. I gave in and have been having sex with my husband...his needs are met, and I'm still lonely and crying all the time...I could still care less about having sex with him...<P>I'm so ready just to throw my hands in the air and leave. We don't have children and our families would recover from the shock eventually...I'm not saying this is the RIGHT choice, but I am saying that this is genuinely what I feel right now.<P>No, I don't want to cheat on my husband again...I learned my lesson the first time.<P>I know how whiny and bratty I sound in this post...I just needed a place to vent and to see my thoughts on-screen.<P>I'm tired.<P>Jill<BR>

Hi Jill<P>Before my H had his brief fling,he was always trying to talk to me about how he was feeling neglected etc....it went in one ear and out the other,I am ashamed to say.I always took it for granted that he would always be faithful.<P>His fling was a HUGE wake up call for us....our marriage was much like you say....dead Now it is alive and thriving. <P>I know you have made the decision not to tell your H about your affair.....but what have you got to lose at this point.<P>I have followed your story and I dont think your h will ever really change until he gets a wake up call.<P>If you do tell him,give it time but after that if your marriage is still awful,you might want to leave since you dont have kids. I am not a big advocate of divorce but I dont think its so bad if its amicable and there are no kids.<P>You deserve a good marriage Jill.... <P>I hope I didnt offend you....these are just my opinions.Take care and please keep us posted.<P>Good luck....<BR>Garden<P><p>[This message has been edited by Garden Girl (edited July 29, 2000).]

Hi Jill...<P>It's been awhile. I'm still here....still in limbo....trying to get the heart to line up with my head....going through the motions...always questioning if the same "fire" I had with my friend can ever be restored with my wife. It can be a lonely walk, can't it?!<P>Do you have anyone...a friend...personally that you are able to go and talk to...confide in...pray with...that can be a "support" to you when your husband does not appear to be?<P>I bet it is kind of hollow coming back here when there are so many new faces...and so few know your story. <P>I have never had kidney stones. I've known a lot of people who have. The pain comes in stages. When the stone is moving...there simply is no relief. You just endure. Then, the pain subsides...for awhile. That is a time for catching your breath and enjoying the repreive. Then the stone begins to move again. Eventually...the stone passes. Sounds like you are in one of those 'movement' stages. Not a whole lot of relief. But you know if you 'hang on' just a little bit longer.....<P>I still remember your words describing seeing your 'wonderful husband' laying on a couch one day sleeping and being overcome with emotion with what beautiful man he is. I guess it's in moments like the one you are having now...that you need to let that be a focal point...to get you through this stage you are in now.<P>Nice to hear from you again here. Life goes on...and I find my self doing a bunch of ****sigh****'s these days.<P>take care,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited July 30, 2000).]

Hi<P>Garden: No, you didn't offend me with your reply. Thank you for taking the time to offer your support and advice. As to your suggestion of confession, I've thought about it frequently...I just don't know where to start...my mom has a terminal illness...my in-laws are wonderful people who have treated me as no less than they would treat a treasured daughter or friend. It's difficult to think of telling my husband because that would have an impact on so many people...so I continue to struggle alone as a result of the choices that I've made for myself. You're right...how can my husband change with no wake-up call? Garden, I do not know your story, but I do wish you the best in all that comes your way.<P>NoMas: It's good to see you. I know that things must be difficult for you right now. I do try to focus on the fact that my husband is a wonderful man...sometimes that focal point seems to get lost in the shuffle. <P>No, I don't have anyone to confide in about all of this...let me give you some examples of WHY I don't have anyone to confide in: Example 1: One of my closest female friends rants on and on about how she just doesn't understand it when people commit adultery and how she would divorce her husband and take him to the cleaners during the process of divorce if he ever did cheat on her. Example 2: My husband and I both helped out at a function that lasted all week. I was exhausted, etc...had a headache all week. By the last night of the function, I was still overwhelmed and I was feeling physically ill. Instead of kind words from my friends and acquaintances all I got was, "What's your problem? Why aren't you happy today? You're ALWAYS happy?" That's just a small taste of what people seem to expect from me...Jill...an adulterer???? What a shock. I'm married to a "perfect" man, therefore, I must be "perfect", too. <P>NoMas, like you, I long for "fire" and passion in my marriage. I know that ANY marriage or relationship will have ups and downs...that's common sense...no one/nothing is perfect. I want to have a relationship where my eyes light-up just from thinking about my husband. I want him to feel the same way about me. I want to be able to talk with him and giggle with him about some secret that we share...I want to stay awake late at night talking with my husband about our hopes and dreams. I want to feel desire for my husband again.<P>I sincerely hope that you are okay and that your marriage is on the road not only to recovery, but on the road to BLISS. You deserve to be happy with your wife, NoMas. I wish you the very best.<P>****sigh*****<P>Jill<P>

Hi Jill,<P>Its great to hear from you....but, of course, sorry to to hear things are kinda down. Alas, no advice for ya, but FWIW you guys are in my prayers.<P>One thing though, W and I call the "Maid Brigade" every week or so and they descend on our place like the proverbial "white tornado". It doesnt cost much really, and sure does take some of the pressure off.....think about it.<P>Best wishes to ya both.<P>Bill

Jill,<P>Sorry you are going through a rough period. Let me offer some observations. One it sounds as if both of you are over extending yourselves. No passion is going to occur if you two are dead tired.<P>Second, it sounds to me you are depressed and of course being dog tired is not helping that.<P>Third, I'll bet you two are arguing because neither of you are happy with your life right now. Why not sit H down and say something like " look we are arguing all of the time, when we aren't arguing we don't talk, we are dead tired, etc. I am guessing you are unhappy with things. Why don't figure out a way to change our work schedules, life, etc so that you are happy and I am happy? "<P>It seems to me this might open a conversation without anyone seeming to be attacked.<P>Hang in there Jill.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Jill...<P>It is good to hear from you, tho I'm sorry to hear things are not going well...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I'm tired of feeling as if everyone is important to my husband except for me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Been there, done that. I know it feels awful, and I'm sorry you are going thru this. I think at the same time I was feeling this, my H was too. AND, <B> BOY</B>, do I feel for the way too much to do & H just sits there bit...In our case, I think we had over-extended ourselves partly bcs we were emtoinally cut-off from each other. Sorta escapism and sorta getting some emotional brownie points from other people. Regardless of the motivation, or which came first, it did not feel very good, tho. Sorry you are in that place.<P>I hope things will get better for you soon. You are in my prayers...<P>Kathi

Hi Jill,<P>Sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. Looks to me like the two of you need to slow down and do some talking...<P>I know those feelings that you long for... I long for them too... I go through basically the same thing here... but it is either he is really nice to me, or the most ignorant man on earth.. it's always back and forth... and it is very trying on me... I never know which one he is going to be when I turn around...<P>Hang in there... slow things down... talk with him... and know my prayers are with you... there has to be someway to get out of this boat we're in....<P>

I went back and read your previous threads. I did not see where you had decided to tell your H about the A. If you haven't, please consider long before you do. I told my W of my EA that turned into a one night PA. D-day was over a month ago. That was the SECOND dumbest thing I did this year. The dumbest thing is obvious. She has gone from angry to angrier to ambivalence. We have agreed to counseling, but now we have to deal with the A before we can ever start on the litany of marital problems. Instead of a wake-up call, it has become a dirge. <P>I hope that you find peace within yourself.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Diem Perdidi (edited July 31, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm tired of feeling as if everyone is important to my husband except for me. I'm tired of my husband giving me the impression that I'm not worthy<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jill, I'm pretty sure I've read some of your posts, but I'm admittedly fuzzy on your story. I just want to reply and say I don't think you're being whiny one bit. I too feel unimportant to my H, with a slightly different twist. His actions say to me that the only person important to him is him. Being in line behind him AND other people in the chain of importance must be devastating. Being or feeling unloved is serious stuff and it's not whiny. <P>Feeling unappreciated will make the most ordinary things, like laundry, feel like an unbearable task. You're in a downward spiral. Not only do you have to make the spiral stop but you also have to climb out of the pit. It's very depressing, and the depression accelerates the downward spiral. It's so hard to adjust your attitude when the H doesn't know what your needs are. It hurts like *#%% when you perceive that he doesn't <I>want</I> to know your needs or care enough to spend five seconds in one day thinking about one thing he could do that day that might make you happy. I'm exaggerating here, but does this sound familiar? <P>I think it was Karenna who said that we get what we tolerate. I haven't quite figured out how to set limits without LBing. So far my MB strategy has been eliminating LBs. I was having a bad day yesterday and LBed left and right. Each time I mess up, I try to at least make sure to communicate what need is not being met that is causing me so much unhappiness. This is probably such a flawed MB approach that the Harleys wouldn't recognize it. Flawed though it may be, I've managed to get my positive attitude back. Each time I slip into LBing, my stays are brief. Things are better now, sort of. <P>I thought it would be impossible to eliminate LBs. I had no confidence that my H would become more sensitive. It does work though. If laundry is one of your buttons, try this --- next time all the clothes are dirty (and he's not lifting a finger to help), buy some new clothes. It may be tempting to buy things just for yourself and make him wash his own. Buy something for him too. When you bring them home, tell him you're just too worn out doing x, y, z but that you wanted him to have some clean clothes to wear, that you want to do something for him that he'll appreciate. Maybe he'll get a clue without hitting him over the head with a frying pan. When you're doing something nice, and sidle in with a comment about appreciation or affection or whatever need tops your list, the message trickles in a pinhead at a time. (Or should I say a pinhead can take only one message at time? ) Last month my calendar said, "it's easier to fix the roof when the sun is shining." It's a bit trite, but keeping that sunshine in your life is an absolute MUST! Keep on tryin. How'd this post get so long?? I'm outta here.<BR>

Jill,<BR> (((((((((((JILL))))))))))))<BR>Theres ya a big hug!!!! God knows you need it. <BR>I have kinda keep up with your story. I have posted to ya several times. <P>I know all to well about how your feeling right now!!! You think this is hell. Wait for withdrawal. But in the end, it is worth it!<P>Jill! Think about what you have posted here. I want you to go back and read this thread. The topic here is "LONELY and TIRED". It should also have the word MISERABLE in there.<P>Your telling me that you dont know if you can hang on much longer. I could have never done it. <BR>I am very much like you. Noone ever thought I would have an affair. I was totally against it. I thought trashy immoral people had affairs. <BR>I was so depressed. I had beeged for the attention from my H for 3 years. Just like GG said. There has to be a WAKE UP call! It went in one ear and out the other. They just trust us. I would do the same thing probably. Becasue we all take things for granted. Never thinking about H having an affair.<BR>Now this is the thing. I was once in these same ruby red slippers that you are in now. Go back and read my threads. You will find that I posted the same thing.<BR>This is the way that you have to look at it.<BR>JILL WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE IF YOU TELL???<BR>You have nothing to lose. You are miserable as hell right now. He isnt going to change because he will not see it. My H is the very same way. And it will only get worse. If he doesnt know. I promise it will. JL told me this when I first came here. I wouldnt listen. I had to find out the hard way.<P>Your feeling hopeless, helpless, and confused right now! <P>Jill! Come on gal! You have done the right thing. You want this to work. Your H is a good man. He deserves a second chance. As well as you. I dont mean to sound harsh here. Remember I am the betrayer as well.<P>GET OFF THE FENCE POST JILL!!!!! You must tell all. You have nothing to lose. <BR>You may email if you would like!<BR>Prayers to ya! <BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!