Purplemag, Sheba, anyone....have you heard from bc and if she is doing okay?? I've been away on vacation and haven't regularly kept up with this forum for over a month. Just hoping that she is doing okay...

I am still around but haven't been posting. Just reading here and there. I guess I am just not able to take the advice I am given no matter how hard I try. Am I giving up? In a way yes, in a way no.<P>I have been trying to take the advice of doing things for me and working on me but in a sense I don't know where me actually is anymore because I was and still am so caught up in my H.<P>He is still seeing the OW and still denies it being anything more than friendship. I am not snooping like I used to seeing I would only find the same old stuff. It will be a year this month that I found him kissing the OW next door at the neigbors and it seems like yesterday. I still wonder where that man I married went and if he will ever be present in my life again.<P>H use to say lets just get it over with meaning the divorce and now when I say OK if a divorce is what you want then we will proceed he says he isn't sure what he wants and he is the one with the problem not me. But of course that doesn't stop him from being with the OW.<P>I have come to the conclusion that I for mental and physical reasons cannot take his unacceptable behavior any longer. Each time he pulls an all night out routine, I fall to pieces. I am afraid if I don't do something I will end up being unable to function. I feel like I am fifty years old and I don't really want to do anything. It is a struggle to get out of bed and go to work each day. I do it because I have to. <P>I have checked into a couple of apartments and actually told my H I was thinking of moving out and he seemed upset by that thought. He told me I didn't have to go but still didn't mention he wanted me to stay to work on our marriage.<P>Sorry to ramble guess I just wanted to say I am still alive although not doing to good lately.<P>

Hi bc,<P>Sorry to hear things are the same. It's good to hear that you are taking babysteps towards doing things for yourself, although they are mini-babysteps...they ARE still steps towards helping you.<P>Are you still attending Alanon, therapy, reading those books?<P>Remember that word, DETACHMENT!<P>Keep working on detaching yourself. Keep working on you.<P>I sound like a broken record, but that's what you need to do to get through this. It's obvious that your H is still in his fog.<P>You ARE enabling his behavior and teaching him how to treat you this way by putting up with it.<P>Detach yourself. When you finally do detach yourself, I bet you will also think clearly and will be able to make definite decisions on what you want to do in your particular situation.<P>I'll check up on you so post when you can! Take care!

I have been reading some new books that have been helpful. I am still going to counseling about once a week or every other week. I know that I have allowed my H to treat me like this for a long time so why should he want to treat me differently. Maybe moving out to my own apartment would give me and him the space away from each other that we need. That way I wouldn't know of his comings and goings and he might wonder what I am up to. <P>I know detach but I am having a very rough time of that. I feel like if I am starting to detach that he thinks I am ignoring him or treating him badly. I guess for such a long time I have done so many things for him that when I don't he doesn't take it so well. The ability or knowledge to detach is still somewhat of a mystery to my mind. <P>I am usually a very fact learner but when it comes to this stuff I feel like I need a remedial learning class. Maybe I need to be spoon fed.

Didn't get here fast enough, before bc!<P>BC - at least we know you're still out there. Listen to NoTrust (although she should be using her other name...). She got me through a lot. To the point where my H and I are now renewing our vows at the end of September.<P>I think you've just become numb to the whole thing which isn't good either. I think one day soon, you're just going to wake up one morning and that'll be it. You'll be out on your own, carefree, and loving life, on your own because you know you can! <P>I do hope you're still going to Al-Anon. You always seem so hopeful after your meetings. I just hope by now that hopefulness is carrying over than just a few hours. Doesn't really sound it yet, but it does sound like you have detached a bit. Which is good!<P>Vent when you need to. We're always here for ya. I know sometimes you feel like a broken record, because he hasn't learned yet, but he will. I just hope your sanity stays in check! Just remember, you are the most important thing to worry about right now. Keep it safe for you.<P>Hang in, chin up, there's a rainbow out there with your name on it, and at the rate it's moving, looks like it'll be over your head before you know it.<P>--purplemag

Hi BC, I'm glad to hear from you. I've been wondering myself.<P>I also think you sound like you are taking good steps towards detachment. <P>It is sooooooooooo hard... I find myself forcing myself to do it...to get up to put one foot in front of the other. <P>I hope you come and vent....we are all here for you!!!

Thanks for all of you thinking about me. It is nice to know that people I don't even know care about what happens to people.<P>I was hoping that my H would have hit his rock bottom with the drinking by now but it is just not his time I guess. Many many nights he comes home after drinking to tell me he has to stop but never does anything about it. I guess the right crisis hasn't come along yet. <P>He has said that the OW is not because of his drinking but why would he. He really can't be responsible for anything or anyone right now.<P>My counselor keeps telling me that it isn't my fault. He had choices and he made his choice it wasn't me. I have admitted to him that I am not perfect that I can't change the past but I am willing to try and not make the same mistakes in the future. He agrees that I have been trying but he has done nothing except continue to stay out and be in contact with the OW.<P>I was hoping that my now the OW would be wanting him to give her more of a commitment and that would make him wake up and see thru the fog.<P>The big kicker is that there is a rumor being spread that she is pregnant. My H says it isn't true and that he isn't sleeping with her. He is mad that people would even say that. Well maybe they wouldn't say it if they weren't seen together. She is fat (like a beer gut on a woman) and a big butt so maybe that is why they are saying what they are. He says she is "fixed". What a nice way of putting it. Well she is a dog so I guess that fits. sorry not to nice of me.

Hi bc!<P>How are you today? In my opinion (only my opinion), I think it would be great to move out. I think that Plan B is in order. But, don't know the legal aspects of it, since you & your H jointly own the house among other things also. When you are ready, you will have to ask the advice of your lawyer.<P>I know that you will survive on your own. Do you realize that you are doing that right now??!! You are proving that you can live on your own without depending upon your H. You just need to detach a bit more.<P>I know that you are getting weary of his comings & goings. One day, you are going to wake up and you won't even give a damn anymore. Your lovebank is depleting and you just won't care.<P>I sincerely do hope that your H does wake up before that time comes. However, if he doesn't, I think that you will be ready & independent & strong from all of this.<P>Hang in there bc. You can survive this!

Well he finally opened his letter from his lawyer about the motion coming up this coming Monday to make him fill out his net worth statement. He got pissed off and said that he wasn't going to give the rotten lawyers anymore money and that we could talk about it. Well I have been trying to talk to him but I can't do it knowing he is still seeing the OW. I told him that I have been patient and that I could not be in limbo anymore. With him showing no signs of breaking it off. Now when I asked if he was even going to stop seeing her he said yes but of course I had to ask when next week, next month next year.<P>He told me that he would just pack up his tools and his truck and leave me with the house and the bills and be gone. Like that is my punishment for doing this divorce thing. I haven't done a thing wrong he is just now suffering the consequences of his actions and I don't think he likes it one bit.