Folks,<P>For those of you who are separated, are your WS wearing their wedding bands/rings?<P>If not, have you asked them why? And what are their responses?<P>And if they are wearing them, do you suspect they are only putting them on for your benefit, then taking them off around OP?<P>My H use to take it off/on and now he has told me that he won't do that because it's dishonoring the marriage, and the ring signifies our marriage. That our marriage meant alot to him and he wants to be honest about wearing it or not wearing it.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 27, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 27, 2000).]

My H still wears his, but I took mine off back in January. It went back on briefly during the week that my uncle died for the sake of my mother and other relatives that I didn't feel like explaining myself to at the time.<P>I took it off because it just felt 'wrong'. I have not felt committed to my marriage for a long time and I felt like a fraud wearing it. It actually made my finger fel physically uncomfortable. I HAD to take it off. <P>I consider putting it back on from time to time. I have even put it on for a second or two to see how it felt and then took it off again. If and when I do put it back on, it will be sending a big message to my H and I want to make sure that it's the message I want to send. I don't want to put it on and then take it off the next day because it made me uncomfortable again. If it goes back on it will stay on.

first of all we didn't exchange rings. But I really wanted a ring, so my H bought one(very cheap ) for me later. In the past he had some problems with "so called" fans so he kept saying he should wear a ring, blah blah blah.. and it never happened. When we were at a store once I pointed out about the ring and he said, "it's kinda annoying when I play".. So I gave up on that.<P>Then when his A came out he said he never wanted to wear a ring because he thought if he wore girls wouldn't come after him. When I heard that I was very disappointed, and felt this marriage was totally a lie, and I took it off. My H doesn't say anything about it I'm sure he doesn't even notice.<P>Funny thing is, he said if he's gonna be married with me again(remember we haven't been divorced yet and no one is filing) "I will wear a ring"............I think he's in a fog or strange gas or whatever.... <P>Just mumbling.....<BR>Meg

I took my wedding band off the day my W asked me for a divorce. <P>To me, my wedding ring was the anchor of my soul...the symbol of our marriage vows. The vows have been broken. I cannot bear to wear it again. Perhaps if we reconcile, go throuhg counseling, and renew our vows, I will be able to put it on again, but it would burn me like fire. <P>Right now I find it difficult to even look at my ring.

I took mine off the day H told me he would rather be with OW (this was three weeks after D-day.) I made him take his off too (he had been wearing all through affair.) It was very dramatic and emotional. This was all before I discovered Harley's ideas.<P>About two days later I put mine back on because I realized I still wanted to married to him and I wasn't giving up that easily. He has left his off. Says he doesn't think he should wear it. I know that it will really mean something if he ever decides to put it back on.

I'm still with my wife after her infidelity but I have not been wearing my ring. The ring signifies a covenant between a husband and wife. She broke that covenant and still does through her deceit. when I feel she is being honest and committed to our relationship and that the covenant is in place again I will put it back on

No she’s not. For our 19th anniversary (10 days after discovery & 5 weeks before she left), I got her a $2K, 3/4 ct diamond.<P>I haven’t taken mine off at all. Still on ‘till the day we get divorced.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Good for you, Chris!! What a man! What a strength of character.<P>Me, no I took mine off. Not to attract anyone to myself, of course. Not even really because I was hurt and the ring offended me.<P>I have another idea in mind. If we get over this, I want another wedding. I want him to put the ring on my finger again, and I want him to really mean it this time.<P>The first time he put the ring on my finger, I was overwhelmed with pure joy. I want to feel that again.<P>Only symbolism, I know. But I want him to prove it to me.<BR>

Not only does she not wear it, but she sold it because she was (and is) having trouble paying her bills.<P>That was like a kick in the stomach.

Hi Everyone, <P> When I first found out my wife's infidelity, I thought exactly the same as Jeremy ........ that is, we wear rings as a symbol of our vows, love, and commmittment to each other, and to our marriage. My wife broke those vows, and continues to do so. It therefore didn't feel right to wear my ring (and I know that my wife does not wear her wedding band ... she just sometimes wears her engagement ring ... I think she does it just to present the illusion to me that she is trying at our marriage).<P> But, lately, I have been wearing my ring again. I still love my wife (even though she continues to lie and cheat on me). I am still committed to our marriage, so I force myself to put my ring on every morning, no matter how wrong it feels. <P> I do agree with Bernzini though .... that is, if things work out, I would want another wedding, and I would want my wife to put the ring on my finger again, and for her to really mean it this time.<P>Boozy<P>

When things were going wrong in our marriage - this was about 2-3 years ago - I used to pray to God to give me a sign what to do. Whether I should stay and try to get my H help so that he wouldn't be abusive, or if I should leave. Shortly afterward, my H went swimming at the lake with one of his stoner buddies. He was a little drunk and high, of course. His wedding ring fell off and sank to the bottom of the lake. Gone. Finis. That was my sign. I ignored it.<P>When I found out about my H and the OW, I took off my wedding ring and never put it back on again. Again, I prayed to God for a sign as to what to do (this was after he was arrested for domestic assault - the same night he had a date with the OW). Inexplicably, the ring went missing. I had put it back in a jewelry case and set it on my dresser. It's gone. I have searched high and low, and it is nowhere to be found. Another sign.<P>I should start listening to those signs, I guess.<P>belld

My H was only in his affair for afew weeks before he moved out. During that time there were afew times I went into the bathroom after he left and saw his ring on the sink. This was a guilt thing of course because the OW was VERY aware of his marital status. When I asked him he just said he forgot to put it on after he took his shower. Funny, he'd never forgotten before those few weeks. During our "revolving door" period when he would come home for afew days it was never on. At Xmas we spent the day together, I asked if he would wear it and he did. He still had it on when he came over the next day. the day after that he came home again with all his stuff. Something tells me OW saw the ring and it caused some LBing (hee hee). When he came home for good he was proudly wearing his ring. The only time he EVER takes it off now is if he's working in the garden and he puts it back on as soon as he comes in. I never took mine off.

My H lost his 1 1/2 yrs ago. He was genuinely sorry and looked for it eveywhere. <BR>We where not having any problems then and it did not bother me. <P>He is in a MLC since about Oct/Nov. Had an EA that lasted less then 2 months. Is now in withdrawl. I am in Plan A. <P>I have not taken my rings off. In fact I wear all the jewlrey he gave to me. Three years ago for christmas I had my diamond earrings and my sapphire ring made into one ring. I had my diamond heart necklace made into a channel wedding band. My original wedding band is my pinkie ring. We had a new wedding band made for him at the same time. He is a mechanic and he takes his off for work. He snapped it to his keys like he always did but it fell off somewhere.

We're not physically separated, but we are emotional wise. I took mine off soon after finding out about the affair. It was a symbol of our commitment to one another. I no longer felt that. It seemed to be a lie. I explained that to him and he took off his. I have since put mine on. It is a symbol of my commitment and I am still committed to this relationship. He still does not wear his which is good and bad. I mean, at least I know he is not committed to this marriage. <P>Now, my engagement ring. That is a totally different story. Their is a lot of anger and resentment on his side about that. Long story. I will never wear that again unless he asks me too. Like Bernzini, I would rather have a completely new engagement ring and a recommitment ceremony. Nothing fancy or expensive, but something fun. I would like to completely start over and let him plan everything. I controlled the first wedding and he still has a lot of resentment about that. I won't make that mistake again. He can do things however he wants if we ever do it again (as long as it doesn't put us in debt!) It would be my way of demonstrating that I want the past behind us.<P>Of course, I know I'm dreaming. My H will never propose to me again. I'll never have another wedding. I guess I'll never wear an engagement ring again. If I ever do get another wedding band though, I don't want the plain gold band that I have now. I picked that because it was traditional and symbolized the unbroken committment between us. Next time, I want a band with some kinks in it! You know, yes, there are going to be some kinks in your marriage, work around them an move on. Okay, stop my fantasy now. It's starting to hurt.

It's interesting to read that others have had the same fantasies I have. I too have imagined a time in the future when we might renew our marriage vows. If he decides to commit to us, it's definitely something I would like to have happen.

He took his off about a week after he moved out. Its still in his car, saw it accidentally when he asked me to get something of mine out. <P>I took mine off somewhere after I got served divorce papers and before my first court date. I took it off because my husband was living with another woman, and asked for divorce. I felt at that point, the marriage was over. I had just given up on Plan A when I took it off.<P>Sometimes I wear the engagement ring on my other hand, but not for any reason whatsoever. (that I know of consciencely)<P>We discussed renewing our vows one time if we ever got back together. We never made it to recovery, and now that we're going to be legally divorced any day now, I would never go back.<P>Prayers to all, Dana<P>Chris, you should be proud of your strength, I wish I had it when I was in Plan A.<BR>

like many of you, i still wear my wedding ring. my H never wanted one and i don't think he would have worn one if i bought one. he was a carpenter at the time, said he wouldn't want to risk losing a ring at work. actually i have two rings. the one he bought me when we married is an antique-very old, and the band is very worn and thin. it originally was someone's engagement ring. this is the ring that symbolizes our vows, our marriage. at one point the band broke and i put it away but eventually got it repaired. my H bought me a new plain gold band and i ended up wearing both rings. but after i discovered his affair, i took off the "real" wedding ring and put it on my jewelry box, so he would see it. i still wear the other ring because, like some of you, i am still committed to my marriage and working things out. i just can't bear the thought of not wearing a ring yet. what a wonderful idea- saying wedding vows again! if my WS ever gets his act together and his priorities straight, i would like to do that.<P>Lapeine, your reply made me so very sad. is there so little hope? SW

Sadwife, I didn't mean to make you sad. I truely hope that things work out between my and my H. I have days when I struggle and I try not to let him know. He seems much happier when I am happy. When I am sad, I withdraw those love units. I am truly praying that Harley is right about the love bank. My goal is to get his love bank for me really high. We really are coping much better than many.<P>Please do not despair from my post. I just know my H. Even if things do work out we will never have another "wedding." And he certainly wouldn't plan everything. He's just not that type of guy. I once thought he was and maybe he really was like that until I killed it by taking over everything. He is always scared that I won't like the gifts he gives or the things he does. I'm really bad about not being excited when I get gifts, so he and his family always thought that I didn't like the gifts they gave. My family is a lot like me, so I never really noticed it being a problem. Because of my subdued reations to gifts, my H will probably never do any of this. He will always be to afraid to initiate anything for fear that I won't like it--including another wedding. That's just the way he is. <P>Hopefully in time, I can change my reactions so he will be less afraid to do special things for me, and he will begin to get a little braver. I'm still waiting for the surprise trip somewhere. You know, where he packs my bags for me, picks me up from work and whisks me away someplace for the weekend. You see, sadwife, I really just have a lot of fantastic dreams. There's nothing wrong with dreaming as long as you realize that is all it is.

funny... I never thought about it until this post.<P>My H took off his wedding ring 4 1/2 months before he left us. We were on our way back from Florida on a "family vacation" and we had a fight - he took it off then. I visioned this as a sign, but the fight wore off and things got better - until that nite in September when he was out all nite long and when I was worried sick where he was he just said "none of your f'ing business... should have realized it then, but we lingered on another 3 months. His ring still sits in my jewelry box and I hold it often.<P>As for mine - well, that's a really interesting story. I had taken mine off for a while because it didn't fit anymore because I was pregnant with our son. After the birth, and my body got re adjusted I started to wear it again. I never took it off except for showers. One nite I took it off and got cleaned and put it in the usual place I put it, and for some reason forgot it.. next morning it wasn't there, looked high and low.. and it was just the diamond part, not the band, the band was there. I figured the cats got it as they play with things sometimes, but I looked and looked and no avail, but it didn't make sense to me that the band was there. Well, to make a long story shorter, I find out earlier this year (after he had left us) that he took the ring and gave it to HER. I only know this because my daughter told me that she has a pretty ring and described it.. to the exact detail of mine. Mine was a marquis - and she said it was oval shaped, mine had 3 diamonds on each side, and she said it had few more white stones on it. I couldn't beleive this... but then again I can. Burns me up, but then again - whatever. All I know is that the ring signifies a realationship with someone special a commitment - since she has mine, I guess he made up his mind, huh?

I lost mine the first 2 week I was married, never was a jewlery wearer. My W who is the WS still wears hers. I've asked her to take it off. We are seperated and I have no idea if reconcilation is possible. <P>She says she wears it for hope. If a Divorce comes out of this the ring will then belong to our Daughter.<p>[This message has been edited by homer (edited July 29, 2000).]