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Joined: Jul 2000
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Jeremy Offline OP
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My wife thinks I have been wrong to discuss her infidelity with family and friends. I would have died without them. Interested to know everyone elses thoughts and how if affected you negatively or positively to discuss or not discuss being betrayed.

Joined: Aug 1999
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Hi there Jeremy-<P>You know-my H didn't much like it each time he found out I had told yet another person about what he had done. I told him if I wasn't able to talk and get help I would die then and there.<P>I also told him since he didn't ask me wether or not I cared if he had an affair I really didn't think I had to get the OK from him to tell anyone I so please to tell.<P>I did NOT tell anyone to spite my H. I still love him and always will. BUt I know that many lies have been told from the other side of the affair and I will never run and hide what H did.<P>As we all have now learned-infidelity is all too common [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>We are healing really well and I am sure we will continue to do so.<P>I am sure your W is very ashamed of what she has done and that would be her reason for not wanting you to be telling anyone.<P>Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

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I believe it would be a BIG LB to share with family / friends what happened - unless the couple was seperated or getting divorced.<P>I believe it could cause alot of resentment down the road.<P>I believe telling everyone while you are in recovery can really dampen the relationship - if not now, further down the road, when you know you two are okay, but others are always remembering what happened, and never forgetting what the spouse did.<P>Once you tell, you cannot take it back, ever.<P>Just my 2 cents.

Joined: Oct 1999
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I would love to tell my friends and family but haven't for fear that they would treat W differently. And, if they treat her differently, it could blow any chance at rebuilding.<P>Two people I work with do know, since I knew they would not talk. And, I needed to talk to somebody. I was going to explode and needed somebody to tell me it was "going to be ok". Sad, but true.<P>I know my W has told a number of friends. And, yes, I think they are treating me differently -- and in a non productive sort of way.<P>My W has also talked with her sister. Where it's gone from the sister, I have no idea. Since I rarely see her sister, it doesn't effect me in a day-to-day manner.<P>Now that I've removed my wedding ring, I expect there to be some inquires, particularly from family. I haven't yet figured out what I'll say.<P>Be reminded what an earlier post said: you can't take it back. Once it's out of the bag, things like these can take on a life on themselves.<P>--keystone<BR>--keystone

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I told way too many people and now I regret it. At first I told only my closest family members, sisters, niece, a few of his girl cousins,and his dad. Then I told a few girlfriends. Big mistake!!!<P>Tell as few as you can and trust. The reprecusions of my telling has really back fired. People who love you and your spouse are dumbfounded and don't know what to do for either of you, so they stay out of it and isolate you. This hurts later when you need their support and you are trying to build new memories. Some will support you and you will desperately need them, but others will just harbor resentment for different reasons.<P>Believe me, you can count on the "grapevine" to do enough damage for you!!!<P>Cathy

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I live in a small town area. Everybody knows everybody. I told the people I work with what is going on. I would just as soon that they know the truth and talk to me openly about it then be the town gossip. Most people knew what was going on long before I even did.<P>I told my family right away this time. I need the support and the love they give me. <BR>They will never be mean to my H after this if we ever get back together they will trust that I made the right decision.<P>Jill

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of course the WS will not want to let others know. THey will be shamed.<P>But there must be a correct motive in telling. I had to tell my closest relative because I needed her common sense, prayers, and help with my baby. I couldn't take care of my baby properly the moment the news broke. so i had to cart myself over to her place and she and her children helped to feed and bathe and carry baby.<P>I didn't want others to know but the OW called them and brag and soon everyone on both sides of the family knew. I was shocked because it would devastate them. THey were heartbroken and I know my siblings all cried, one even cried herself to sleep for days (her husband told me). BUT THEY WERE MY LIFELINE. THey supported me and propped me up when I am down. They supported my H and asked him to be patient and listened to him. They prayed for us. Without their support, my H would easily 'bully' me thinking I was all alone. I also needed help from their wisdom and experience because my case is way too complicated.<P>but please be circumspect about who you tell and make sure they do not 'judge your WS' but let her know it is wrong in the kindest way but that they will continue to support your healing process by helping with some errands or stuff that will help you mend.<P>How are you doing today?

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I feel exactly the same. I just found out about my W six hours ago. She wants me to hide what she and he did from our friends, family and colleagues but it will eventually come out and they will have to pay the price for what they have done. It is that simple.<P>Good Luck Jeremy<P>AC2<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by heartache:<BR><B>Hi there Jeremy-<P>You know-my H didn't much like it each time he found out I had told yet another person about what he had done. I told him if I wasn't able to talk and get help I would die then and there.<P>I also told him since he didn't ask me wether or not I cared if he had an affair I really didn't think I had to get the OK from him to tell anyone I so please to tell.<P>I did NOT tell anyone to spite my H. I still love him and always will. BUt I know that many lies have been told from the other side of the affair and I will never run and hide what H did.<P>As we all have now learned-infidelity is all too common [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>We are healing really well and I am sure we will continue to do so.<P>I am sure your W is very ashamed of what she has done and that would be her reason for not wanting you to be telling anyone.<P>Good luck!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Joined: May 2000
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Virtually nothing. I think it is too much of a strain on those relationships. It causes people to take sides and feel differently- which is not a good thing if there is a reconciliation. And even if there is no reconciliation, I want them to retain respect for both of us. <P>Talking to them could cause them to start feeling sorry for me, if they care. It could cause gossip, if they don't. (And you DO find out who your true friends are in times like these). Who needs that extra burden? (As if the H's behaviour doesn't cause enough gossip as it is!)<P>That is why this board has been a Godsend to me. I have been able to say what I feel honestly to people who understand. I have been able to get feedback from people who have been there, and take encouragement from those who are further along. It is safe here. I know that you aren't going to be talking about me over the fence later or that you aren't making judgments because I do something stupid. You don't think I am losing my mind because I am confused. I am not afraid that you will think the OW is great (like my inlaws) because you all have the same feelings about fidelity and honesty. You keep me balanced and put me back on track when I am going off the deep end.<P>Family and friends can be a great source of strength. I am not saying they know nothing, but I do not want to burden them with this stuff. I prefer to be seen as the strong woman they've always known who is handling life just fine. ... and thanks to you all, I am that woman! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Jeremy Offline OP
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My counselor told me to tell those I trust and talk with them as much as I needed too. I for sure haven't told everyone and did not even speak to my family or friends about it for months. As a matter of fact the initial infidelity that I found out about I carried without talking to a soul about it for two years. That was far worse than anything that could come from telling others. Just my experience

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Right after discovery, we told no one. I had hopes he would come to his senses, and didn't want that tainting the way others viewed us. I broke down and told H's sister who is a good friend of mine. She just asked the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I had to tell. H told his best friend.<P>Then H tells me he's decided for sure that he wants OW and not me. So I tell my mom and he tells a couple who are good friends. H is not sure after all. We are supposed to visit his family, but can't due to circumstances. He tells his mom etc.. that we are having problems and he is having mid-life crisis, but doesn't tell about affair. <P>I have since talked to two friends of mine. I hope we haven't told too many people. I'm not sure what my mom's relationship will be with him if we work things out. However, I couldn't not tell. It is going to go on too long, and I need the support. <P>H's mom is in town this weekend and we are to do stuff with her and H's sister and family. It will be awkward. We won't discuss situation as kids don't know anything, but it will be there like the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room.

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We have not told the family. I am the BS and i feel that if they knew it would never be forgotten. My mom went through two nasty divorces, and she would not forgive H. They do know we are having problems, though and that we are seeing a counselor. I had to tell them that, my mom wanted to visit in Oct, and there is no bed for her at the moment. <P>We were faced with another problem this AM, My D wanted to have someone spend the night, I had to tell her that it could not be because it would be hard to explain that Dad and I sleep in a different room. This is really getting old, already. But my H and I talked about it and we agreed that I would not be comf. returning to the b-room, and he doesn't want me there either. That settles that. But it is sad for our D. Her life is being affected in so many ways!<P>I have told choice friends, and discussed it with the ones that figured it out. I don't lie. But i tell each some part of it I feel comf. with. I have one friend I tell all to, and she keeps me sane. And this board keeps me sane, because this method is how I want our marriage to renew itself. I have faith in the method; if I had not seen it and read the books subsequently, I would have never thought we had a chance in h*** to overcome this fiasco. I wish my mom had had a chance for this website when she went through either divorces, but it did not exist!

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Jeremy,<BR> In the beginning, I didn't tell my family when I suspected something was going on. I folded up within myself, had no one to talk to. My depression got worse and worse. Then I get up one day to take a shower for work, and find a condom wrapper in our bathroom. Empty. We don't use condoms. I raged and raged to my mother, I cried and let her support me. I still didn't tell the whole story. I recently had to update them, due to the OC situation. My family is all on his side, even though they were initially angry with what he did. They respect that things are being worked out between the two of us, and are being supportive, both my family and his family fully know of the situation due to OW's actions. If I hadn't have told, my family would have found out due to the things this woman has been doing. It is a small town here as well, and word does spread. I would rather that my family heard this from us, than to have a friend come up and state something about it. In the end, it is up to you to discuss this with anyone. Do what you feel. If you know the person will be supportive, and keep their mouth shut on the personal details of your life, then go for it. This is nothing to face alone. The boards are nice, but there are times when you need support from someone that knows you well. Family is important, because they do tend to support you in a situation like this. I couldn't have made it this far without mine.


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